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Past habits


TanyaJo
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I met this guy I was texting shortly just before the lockdown. Throughout of conversation he did not mention about his past smoking habit. Even on his dating profile it was explicitly mentioned that he is a non-smoker. This is a very important criteria for me. After a month of chatting he mentioned to me that he vapes to overcome smoking. He has to vape every hour. I did not know how to take this information. I'm very health conscious and I do not mind social drinking but smoking is a no-no. I really like this guy and wondering if vaping is the same as smoking interms of health hazards. He did mention that the time (4 - 5 hrs) he was with me he did not feel the urge to vape which was a good sign according to him. Should I be okay with someone vaping as supposed to smoking or could they revert back to smoking at some point then it will be a problem.

 

note: this is not the one on the last post.

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Ok that's what chatting and screening is about. Ruling out people with deal-breakers. He did not lie on his profile. He's vaping not smoking, so don't feel so outraged. It splitting hairs just like believing drinking is ok but this that or the other are not. Moralizing won't help. But... Pick who is compatible.

 

At least you didn't invest much. It doesn't matter debating about smoking vs vaping. If you are health conscious and don't want vapers/smokers, move on.

After a month of chatting he mentioned to me that he vapes to overcome smoking.
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No you shouldn't be OK with deal breakers. People with addictions tend to either revert back or pick up a new addiction. Sure there are exceptions, but I wouldn't bank on this guy being one.If smoking is a deal breaker for you, then drop this guy and move on. Consider also that he is a smoker lying about smoking on his profile. An even bigger red flag.

For me personally, this would be a total no go zone and I wouldn't even think twice about dropping this guy.

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Only you can tell if you are okay with his vaping. There is no wrong answer here. Some would consider vaping/smoking to be virtually the same thing while some would accept vaping but not smoking.

 

I personally met someone in the same boat - who is using vaping to quit smoking and has to vape every hour or so. Smoking is also a deal breaker to me. Vaping seems marginally better as you don't get the second- or third-hand cigarette smell, but after meeting this guy I decided that vaping also belongs on my deal breaker list. I think it's the addiction part that I'm not comfortable with.

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Based on recent news vaping is worse for health than smoking... This is a definite deal breaker for me.

 

Only you know what you're willing to compromise on. But similar values on health is key component of compatibilty...

 

There are many threads on here about what to do about a partner that doesn't have the same value/behavior on diet, exercises, smoking, drugs, etc....

 

The first question is usually, did you know this going in? And then, Why did you continue?

 

Why are you so desperate to be with someone that conflicts with you on a daily habit?

 

I would tend to think someone that vapes, doesn't have a healthy mind or body. Any attachments to things that knowingly damage us are a sign of weakness. I imagine that might offend some people here, but as Lizzo says truth hurts. If you are beholden to a dangerous habit that you cannot stop, that is not strength... it excuses, lack and justifications....

 

I don't respect that and therefore cannot commit to such a person.

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E-cigarette vapor shares about as much with cigarette smoke as the air we breathe does with carbon monoxide. "Smoke" is any particle suspended in air, so it's more than a little disingenuous to lump the two together. On the basis of cutting out the combustion, vaping is objectively better as it pertains to drastically fewer carcinogens and tar buildup. The science is still out as far as the long-term negative effects of introducing additional water vapor into your lungs.

 

That said, dude's obviously addicted to nicotine. Some people would care. Some don't. I would. You obviously do. If it matters, simply extend your limiting criteria to "non-vapors" as well as non-smokers. It's as simple as it is valid. Good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if you can see yourself nagging someone in the future over something they currently do. If yes, leave it and them be. Plenty of fish in the sea.

 

And yes, there's always a chance someone can relapse. I wouldn't date a former smoker, alcoholic, or any other form of addict without accepting the possibility a relapse will have to be navigated, even unsuccessfully. Therefor I choose to abstain from flipping that coin altogether when considering a partner.

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I heard that vaping is worse than smoking because it damages your lungs faster? I heard people have died from vaping, even young people. Though I could be wrong. I don't vape myself and my friends don't, so I don't really know much about it. Although one of my acquaintances vapes and he does have pretty bad breath lol Just in my personal opinion, I think the guy should have mentioned on his profile that he vapes. I think it's important to be honest. And saying " non smoker" when vaping is basically the same thing (in my opinion) is kinda wrong. Either way, if you are health conscious, I'm sure vaping is bad for your health. You are allowed to feel what you feel and to want what you want. It's YOUR choice. Many people wouldn't date a smoker. I would date a smoker or a vaper but that's only my own opinion.

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I would ask you why he waited a month to tell you the truth?

 

He lied on his profile and then he hid his vaping for a month until he thought he had you hooked on him and THEN he decides to tell the truth.

 

So he vapes so he doesn't smoke? How is that any better?

 

If smoking is a dealbreaker for you as should be lying then this guy is not the one. How long before you smell cigarette smoke on him because he was with his smoker buddies and just has one.

 

Date him if you like but don't justify it, just admit you have changed your mind on smoking and date the guy.

 

I think you will be disappointed sooner or later if you decide to date him...

 

Good luck

 

Lost

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I would ask you why he waited a month to tell you the truth?

 

He lied on his profile and then he hid his vaping for a month until he thought he had you hooked on him and THEN he decides to tell the truth.

So he vapes so he doesn't smoke? How is that any better?

 

If smoking is a dealbreaker for you as should be lying then this guy is not the one. How long before you smell cigarette smoke on him because he was with his smoker buddies and just has one.

 

Date him if you like but don't justify it, just admit you have changed your mind on smoking and date the guy.

 

I think you will be disappointed sooner or later if you decide to date him...

 

Good luck

 

Lost

 

Great point!

 

I would also wonder what else he was not being honest about.

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I smoked for many years, quit by switching to a Juul. Never went back, not even on a buzzed night with buds, for whatever that's worth. When I vaped I very much considered myself a non-smoker, since there simply is no sincere comparison between the two, as j.man outlined.

 

I personally think it's a bummer that they became so linked, as I believe more smokers would quit if the stigma wasn't identical. Not sure if it's still the case, but I know that there was a period in the UK and France where smokers could be prescribed vapes through their doctors because it was understood to be better for net public health—a much different approach than in the US, where "public health" is a private, for-profit industry.

 

But all that is meaningless in the context of dating, which is not supposed to be politically correct or policy driven. No need, in short, to make a mountain out of this molehill. No one is being shady here, no one is lying. Just a difference in viewpoints. A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker, and this appears to be one. Is what it is. No reason to put yourself in a situation that makes you uncomfortable, and no reason to make him feel awful.

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Vaping and smoking would be a dealbreaker for me. I have a friend who now vapes and shouts from the rooftops how we all have to stay home, etc - and her family is struggling financially. But she spent hours hunting down a replacement part for her vaping mechanism and had it personally delivered by the seller to her home - so obviously not caring if the seller couldnt "stay home"- if that's not akin to an addiction I don't know what is.

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Agree. Say he wears green socks and that's a deal breaker for you. End of story. Deal breakers are your prerogative not a matter of votes, opinions, etc. The good news you make the final decision. As long as you don't try to fix or change him or make it into a social work project. A grown adult can do whatever they want, drink smoke vape themselves to death if they want.

 

Going on a rant about the evils of this or that makes no sense. Splitting hairs about well are they aqua or teal or lime green and which is worse is just wasting time.

But all that is meaningless in the context of dating, which is not supposed to be politically correct or policy driven. No need, in short, to make a mountain out of this molehill.

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Only smokers who switch to vaping consider it to be not smoking.

 

Semantics.

 

Nonsmokers consider vaping and smoking to be noxious forms of nicotine addiction. Both represent a health risk to both the smoker/vaper and the nonsmoker from secondhand exhalations.

 

Addicts will have their dose.

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Smoking, vaping, same thing just a different delivery.

If you are health conscious and don't care for smokers, you'd be justifying an excuse to involve yourself with him by thinking the two were that much different.

He's addicted to nicotine. To say he's not a smoker is just verbal semantics

 

. . oh, jim and I just said the same thing :)

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I am a smoker and I make sure that is in my online dating profile, and again fully disclose at initial texting. Am on a patch thus the present tense "am a smoker".

 

So far have not met anyone with repulsion to it though I make sure not to light up one in their presence. It is true what they say here, a deal breaker is a deal breaker, either black or white and no grey areas. What your deal breakers may not be mine and vice versa. That is what makes us unique!

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Well my opinion is you can smoke or do whatever you like, but on a dating profile you need to disclose that. Most dating sites have the option to say if you smoke or drink alcohol. On OK Cupid it even lets you say if you smoke marijuana. I mean, some people would date a smoker so why not be honest and just weed out people that don't want a smoker. Also some people say "I don't smoke" but they mean cigarettes and they actually do smoke weed. I think honesty and transparency is the best thing on online dating.

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Huge deal breaker for me. The smell, how it destroys lungs, etc...no, I wouldn't be okay with it, not even vaping.

 

I'd also like to note, that lots of people try to quit and aren't successful. I'm not saying that this will be the case, but there's a huge chance for it.

 

If he's not what you are wanting, don't bend...you'll end up regretting it.

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Thanks for all the replies. Yes, it is the white lie even though he said "being with you, I did not have the urge to vape" I kind of feel it was an attempt to hide it during the first meet.

It is his life and he can do whatever but if he is considering g a relationship then he should have been honest from the begging. I'm not sure if he thought, let us keep talking for a while then convey this at a time when things are going well etc. But at this point I'm going to drop this.

Thanks again for all the advice.

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Thanks for all the replies. Yes, it is the white lie even though he said "being with you, I did not have the urge to vape" I kind of feel it was an attempt to hide it during the first meet.

It is his life and he can do whatever but if he is considering g a relationship then he should have been honest from the begging. I'm not sure if he thought, let us keep talking for a while then convey this at a time when things are going well etc. But at this point I'm going to drop this.

Thanks again for all the advice.

good for you. stay true to yourself!
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