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Struggle to find attraction


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Hi thank you for posting.

We live close like 10 min but I think we could go a long time and not see each other. But you know it’s going to happen one day.

I’m my own worst enemy. I don’t have enough going on in my life. That’s the fact of the matter. So I have all this time to sit here going over conversations 2 months back now and thinking too much.

 

In the past few days my minds escalated- from her talking to someone in the final days of the relationship- to being in isolation together her and the new guy... to now in my head she’s pregnant - I just can’t turn it off. I’m losing my mind guys

 

My family are good to talk too but I worry I’m going to get them down.. they don’t want to keep hearing it.

 

If I was giving my friend advice I’d be like what are you doing?!! Look at x, y z what she did to you... but I can’t tell myself that!!

 

My friends are all settled so I don’t have many people

I can socialise with... I was always with her.

 

I just can’t figure out how she’s saying she loves me one day and the next she can’t make herself want to touch me - literally one day to the next.

 

I’m in full NC (2months) and have no way of contacting her and I’ll be honest I’ll never reach out I’m stubborn

 

It’s just weird. One minute we are about to move away with my job or as she said if we

Don’t go then we move into a place together as to move forward.... then to never hearing from her again.

 

I have watched every YouTube video every pod cast even coming on here I feel it soothes it a bit but also I think maybe it’s not healthy as I’m forcing myself to think about her/the situation

 

I don’t get how some people move from one serious relationship to another so quickly

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Not to bang the drum again, but reading the above I can't help but go: therapy! Call a bunch, research it, give it a go. The thing that you're struggling with right now, an inability to take the advice you'd give? Well, that's kind of where therapy comes in.

 

Personal story: My last long relationship was one built on a pretty iffy foundation. Wasn't turbulent, but there was some much disconnect posing as connection, so much surface level chemistry posturing as magic, and when all that started bubbling up? Well, it got ugly. Reach into the hat of cliches, pull out a few at random, and you'll have the story. I ended up making an appointment with a therapist primarily, at first, to "show" her it wasn't a bad thing to do, since I was frustrated that she talked about getting help, about her mental health, but didn't seem to actually want to do anything.

 

Anyhow, within 10 minutes I was like: whoa—I've been needing this. Long and short of it is it just helped me see corners of myself I didn't see, along with helping me end that thing, pretty surgically, and then process the months of whiplash that followed ending it, so I didn't fall back on old habits to deal with it. I'm a pretty stable dude, with a pretty rich life, but I had some work to do, long overdue. And, like you, I was right there on the doorstep of 40, so it all felt pretty urgent. Getting therapy into my arsenal was so, so critical. Heck, I just called my therapist on Friday, to make an appointment, and my life right now is honestly pretty great, state. But I recognized I'm a little edgy these days, can't do a lot of things I generally do to keep the edge off and stay centered, and didn't want my partner taking the brunt of that. No shame, no drama, just a preemptive, palliative move, like getting a physical. Another tool in the tool kit.

 

I don't mean this critically, but I think you're too smart to fully believe that all this is "weird" in terms of where things are right now. Because you've been here before with her, many times. This is what you two combine to produce. Other things, too, but history has shown that this, right here, is where those roads end.

 

It's been two months. Not two years, but 60 days. A blink. The way you feel right now, not over it? That is normal, healthy, how you should be feeling. If you were saying you were "over" this I'd be weirded out. No, it's not fun, just like it's not fun when a broken leg requires a few months of sitting around to heal properly. But if you can find a way to see this as "good" rather than "bad," you may be less judgmental. You ride it out, instead of reacting, be it reacting to thoughts of her with someone else or your friends "settled down." That's the mechanism that needs tempering.

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Yeah I'd 100% agree with therapy and totally agree with what Bluecastle says above.

 

As an additional thing, I'd also look to do something about this: I don’t have enough going on in my life

 

I noticed you said you can't socialise with your friends because they're settled. The vast majority of my old school friends are 'settled' but I still find that I get in touch with them and say 'hey do you fancy arranging something over the next couple of weeks?' and let them choose when suits them, they'll generally go 'yeah how about a pint a week on Thursday?' etc. Certainly if they knew I was having a difficult time (like you are at the moment), they'd make time one evening to meet up. Every Tuesday night, me and 2 'settled friends' go and play squash and have a pint after and genuinely, it's my favourite night of the week. I guess what I'm saying is don't assume that "settled" = "can't socialise ever"!

There's also Meetup events, which are great for meeting new people.

 

Obviously the above is difficult at the moment due to quarantine but there's no reason why you couldn't reach out to a few friends, see how they're getting on etc and make some plans for when quarantine is over. Also, get out and exercise (assuming you can where you are), set yourself some fitness goals, anything that gives you endorphins and makes you feel good! Hope you feel better soon!

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James,

 

First off good for you to make the appointment. So hard to go ahead and actually do (especially for a male) but once you get in there you will see the huge benefits.

 

Now I was going to type a bunch of stuff but I read the replies before I start and once again Blue has nailed it with some real life, in your face reality. Re-read each and everyone on of his posts until it sinks in.

 

Right now you are still searching for those elusive answers "what did I do wrong?" "Why wasn't I good enough?" "How could she just turn off her love for me?" This is where you need to understand that this isn't about you, it is about her. She is broken.

 

Sure you could have been a better bf and partner but from what you have described you were a saint to hang in there and she has done you a monumental favor by showing you who she really is and ending it.

 

When someone does you a solid don't waste it. She did you a huge solid even if you cannot see it right now. Trust me on this.

 

You are doing fine so stop beating yourself up about how you feel. It takes time to heal and grow so let it happen.

 

Keep reading and posting, we will be here for you.

 

Lost

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James,

 

First off good for you to make the appointment. So hard to go ahead and actually do (especially for a male) but once you get in there you will see the huge benefits.

 

Now I was going to type a bunch of stuff but I read the replies before I start and once again Blue has nailed it with some real life, in your face reality. Re-read each and everyone on of his posts until it sinks in.

 

Right now you are still searching for those elusive answers "what did I do wrong?" "Why wasn't I good enough?" "How could she just turn off her love for me?" This is where you need to understand that this isn't about you, it is about her. She is broken.

 

Sure you could have been a better bf and partner but from what you have described you were a saint to hang in there and she has done you a monumental favor by showing you who she really is and ending it.

 

When someone does you a solid don't waste it. She did you a huge solid even if you cannot see it right now. Trust me on this.

 

You are doing fine so stop beating yourself up about how you feel. It takes time to heal and grow so let it happen.

 

Keep reading and posting, we will be here for you.

 

Lost

awww lost, this is stellar advice.

 

Its a process. And very common to take one step forward to only take two steps back.

 

Talk to us James... you're doing great.

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Terrific news, James. The kind of therapy a therapist can provide is much, much better than therapy that a rightward swipe can offer. Took me a good minute to learn that lesson, but thankfully there are many minutes to keep living with that lesson metabolized.

 

Write, vent, process. We're here. I've found this site to be a boon on a number of levels, but perhaps the most edifying has been a place to turn to instead of turning toward something—or someone—that will only tighten the noose I'm trying to loosen.

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First session today guys and felt good to let it out. Seemed positive so far went through my breakup(S) there has 5 or 6 with my ex...

I believed my ex was narcissistic and that was also backed up today in my session so that made me feel that I wasn’t imagining the behaviour.

 

I still miss her and us and can’t stop obsessive thinking that she is probably with someone else... but I guess I need a lot more time... and I am trying to fix things and help myself so I’m proud of myself for doing it today

 

Thanks

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First session today guys and felt good to let it out. Seemed positive so far went through my breakup(S) there has 5 or 6 with my ex...

I believed my ex was narcissistic and that was also backed up today in my session so that made me feel that I wasn’t imagining the behaviour.

 

I still miss her and us and can’t stop obsessive thinking that she is probably with someone else... but I guess I need a lot more time... and I am trying to fix things and help myself so I’m proud of myself for doing it today

 

Thanks

proud of you, too, James! [emoji4]
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Struggled with it today... didn’t enjoy it. Sat not talking for a bit and felt I had to talk so was talking about random stuff.

 

Hear you.

 

My personal take on therapy? It's like going to the gym. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's an excellent release, sometimes it's all about vanity, sometimes it borders on the spiritual. And sometimes (oftentimes?) it is a total and complete drag, from the moment you enter to the moment you leave.

 

And yet: even those days when it was a total drag? It was still better that you went to the gym, and ultimately connected to the moments that were fun, relieving, and so on—the total package that adds up to good blood flow, a bounce in your step, more defined musculature, better habits, whatever.

 

Just like bicep curls aren't a cure all to everything, neither is therapy. But it's a thing that can be helpful, worth feeling out a bit.

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  • 3 weeks later...

James,

 

I have been away for a while but it is good to see you have been to a few sessions.

 

What worked for me was taking notes into the the sessions so I could stay on track. Between the sessions I would make a mental note or a paper note of some things that seemed to be holding me back or affecting me the most and that is what I brought up as soon as I sat down.

 

I also asked the therapist for homework. Books I could read or exercises I could do in between the sessions. This helped the most I think. I read two really good books that helped me sort out stuff from growing up with two alcoholic parents and how much it had affected my adult life and perceptions.

 

This therapy should not just be about this particular woman, it should be how you got here and why it took so long for you to finally take the big step of ending it forever.

 

Keep at it, ask the tough questions you may not want to hear the answers too and be happy that you are moving in a positive direction for your life.

 

Trust me, good things are going to come out of all this. I promise

 

Lost

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  • 3 weeks later...

Had about 7/8 sessions now. Some weeks I think I learned something today and some days I think it was just me getting things off my chest... I’ll stick with it but I’m also going to go to the doctors, I’m still struggling and feel depressed I think I need some help to take the edge off things.

 

I don’t think I’m learning that much (yet) just I have low self esteem and I shouldn’t have... apparently I’m a catch.

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