I need advice

[Hannah122]

Hi, so I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 and a half years. In the beginning we were so happy and almost rushed into things too quick and set this expectation that we would get married etc. I often feel unloved and unhappy within the relationship, I don’t know if I love him anymore. In my opinion, how I see it is that he is very jealous if I like a band or a singer he will get angry with me for mentioning them I often don’t talk about things I like due to this - this is never abusive in a physical way which he gets angry btw. I don’t get butterflies when we talk, I feel like he doesn’t care about me at all, I have often brought up how I feel and it is always the same points to which he will say sorry and then it will be good for maybe a month or two after however then it falls back into him being jealous and me not feeling loved and feeling unhappy, he has said previously that he thinks it’s just me, just my thoughts that are making me think this way, which makes me question how I feel am I being dramatic because I only feel like this once every few months or am

I in an unhappy or even toxic relationship

I don’t know. I don’t find myself saying I love him anymore, I try to FaceTime regularly especially due to lockdown however he always answers the phone and doesn’t smile doesn’t get excited to talk to me and I don’t know if I’m being oversensitive because this upsets me or if I am justified. I feel like I don’t want to be with someone who I need to tell them how to act around me and for them to say sorry then have the same issues or a different issue a few months later, but I don’t know if it’s me being over dramatic. Being in lockdown everything is heightened emotionally, I know it may sound like just breakup because I am not happy but I do have happy days with him and we have lots of memories and our friendship circle has kind of joined together because of us and he gets along with my family they love him so it’s hard it’s not as easy to just walk away when I’m not 100% sure. I feel like I deserve more but I don’t know what to do, I need some advice please and I don’t want to talk to any of my close friends because they know him they love him and would probably support him. I have been through hard times with him when he had severe mental health issues and I have opened up to him tonight about how I am feeling how I am upset and all he has done is argue and told me to go away and said it’s bs essentially.

[Cherylyn]

Jealousy and anger are huge red flags which need to be heeded otherwise you're setting yourself up for long term misery with your boyfriend and never even consider marrying him!

 

My cousin and sister are married to controlling, jealous men. Beware.

 

Never be with a guy who doesn't treat you right nor respects you.

 

Listen to common sense and exit the relationship if you can.

 

After 2.5 years, you know him better than anyone. If he hasn't sincerely changed for you, he obviously lacks empathy. Don't be with a guy you're not happy with.

[Hannah122]

I know and I am the type of woman who would say the exact same thing to one of my friends for example who was saying this. But when we are good it is so good and I don’t want to lose that just because I am upset over a few things and I don’t know if I am overreacting? It’s so hard when my family and friends don’t see this side I don’t even know how I would start to tell them if I ended it. Thank you for the advice it is what I needed to hear

[Hannah122]

Jealousy and anger are huge red flags which need to be heeded otherwise you're setting yourself up for long term misery with your boyfriend and never even consider marrying him!

 

My cousin and sister are married to controlling, jealous men. Beware.

 

Never be with a guy who doesn't treat you right nor respects you.

 

Listen to common sense and exit the relationship if you can.

 

After 2.5 years, you know him better than anyone. If he hasn't sincerely changed for you, he obviously lacks empathy. Don't be with a guy you're not happy with.

 

I know and I am the type of woman who would say the exact same thing to one of my friends for example who was saying this. But when we are good it is so good and I don’t want to lose that just because I am upset over a few things and I don’t know if I am overreacting? It’s so hard when my family and friends don’t see this side I don’t even know how I would start to tell them if I ended it. Thank you for the advice it is what I needed to hear

[Hollyj]

Your bf is emotionally abusive. You can't be in a relationship where there is control, manipulation deep insecurity. He does not make you feel loved or secure and has you walking on eggshells. What has kept you connected to this guy?

 

This guy has a boatload of issues. He will never change, as he has shown you repeatedly. No better time than to end things.

[Hollyj]

I know and I am the type of woman who would say the exact same thing to one of my friends for example who was saying this. But when we are good it is so good and I don’t want to lose that just because I am upset over a few things and I don’t know if I am overreacting? It’s so hard when my family and friends don’t see this side I don’t even know how I would start to tell them if I ended it. Thank you for the advice it is what I needed to hear

 

These are huge things. Are you so scared of being alone that you would stay with this creep?

 

Tell them what you told us. Also, this is YOUR life, why would you stay if you are not happy?

[Cherylyn]

I know and I am the type of woman who would say the exact same thing to one of my friends for example who was saying this. But when we are good it is so good and I don’t want to lose that just because I am upset over a few things and I don’t know if I am overreacting? It’s so hard when my family and friends don’t see this side I don’t even know how I would start to tell them if I ended it. Thank you for the advice it is what I needed to hear

 

No, you're not overreacting. Never feel you have to win your family and friends' approval regarding your boyfriend because they don't know his true character as well as you do. They only see his social, best side. You see his warts and all. This is the difference.

 

Sure, everyone can say there are good times to be had with anyone. While that's all well and good, there's the unsavory side to his personality and character which is disdainful. The real question is this: "Is he good enough for you? Or, do you prefer a man who can share good times with you AND behave like a decent human being?"

 

A REAL MAN is honorable, gracious, respectful, kind, decent, possesses the highest integrity, behaves like a gentleman and treats you as if you matter. If a man doesn't have a conscience, then you're wasting your time, energy and money on him.

 

Only time and patience will tell you how much you are willing to tolerate and for how long. Some women put up and shut up (tolerate while keeping their mouth shut) while others don't put up with anyone's _ _ _ _ anymore. The choice is yours.

[Lambert]

Its hard when things were good and people have these happy for you feelings because they don't know how bad it is between you two now. But its just a lie.

 

You deserve better and you know it. I'm all for working things out with people but for whatever reason, he's just being a jerk, putting it on you.

 

Maybe complacent because this is how he really is and doesn't have a lot to really offer.

 

I went through something similar. It was hard to do at the time but it was THE BEST thing I ever did. Some people were in my business, not understanding or maybe they thought they were helping. They didn't believe what I said about how he was a jekyl and hide. I ended some friendships. But a funny thing happened... in time, people would come back and say to me, you know he is an ass & I see it now.

 

One day while I was still with him I had the realization, that it was ME that made him special. I did all the things and he got credit for by association with me. I was the one signing his name on the card. It was me being the fun one and making our life good.

 

I really struggled because i liked our life but I wasn't happy... he had a temper, drank too much, had no motivation to ever be more than what he was. There were many cringe worthy moments to match the happy ones of the beginning. I told him, you don't even smile when you see me anymore. Our sex life was non-existent.

 

I had to dump him or that was gonna be my life... He wasn't gonna change. It wasn't a problem for him.

 

not too long ago a friend asked me if I ever saw him around town and he laughed so hard at my response "not if I can help it"

 

naturally i think of him, he was a huge part of my life.... but! i actually go back and forth between pity and just disdain... it doesn't hurt me anymore. It is just a shame because the man he was in the beginning, before he became just so cynical and miserable about life, was a fun, loving guy.

 

The same man that would send me flowers, yelled at me for thanking a driver in traffic that let me go. The same man that held me up at my Nana's funeral, laughed at me, that I would never make VP at my company....

 

The good news is, I've surrounded myself with better people, I've surpassed my career goals and continue to even surprise myself. I'm happier than I have ever been.

 

He lost a great woman and I lost a crushing weight that was just holding me down. And thats the truth.

 

If you want to have a good life. You have to make good choices. Sometimes they hurt, but that's when you learn what your made of...

 

xxoo

[Skeptic76]

How long ago do you think the “meh” feeling began? Like no energy between you two when you talk, did I understand your post properly? Is that a constant or is it occasional?

[MissCanuck]

Hi, so I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 and a half years. In the beginning we were so happy and almost rushed into things too quick and set this expectation that we would get married etc. I often feel unloved and unhappy within the relationship, I don’t know if I love him anymore. In my opinion, how I see it is that he is very jealous if I like a band or a singer he will get angry with me for mentioning them I often don’t talk about things I like due to this - this is never abusive in a physical way which he gets angry btw. I don’t get butterflies when we talk, I feel like he doesn’t care about me at all, I have often brought up how I feel and it is always the same points to which he will say sorry and then it will be good for maybe a month or two after however then it falls back into him being jealous and me not feeling loved and feeling unhappy, he has said previously that he thinks it’s just me, just my thoughts that are making me think this way, which makes me question how I feel am I being dramatic because I only feel like this once every few months or am

I in an unhappy or even toxic relationship

I don’t know. I don’t find myself saying I love him anymore, I try to FaceTime regularly especially due to lockdown however he always answers the phone and doesn’t smile doesn’t get excited to talk to me and I don’t know if I’m being oversensitive because this upsets me or if I am justified. I feel like I don’t want to be with someone who I need to tell them how to act around me and for them to say sorry then have the same issues or a different issue a few months later, but I don’t know if it’s me being over dramatic. Being in lockdown everything is heightened emotionally, I know it may sound like just breakup because I am not happy but I do have happy days with him and we have lots of memories and our friendship circle has kind of joined together because of us and he gets along with my family they love him so it’s hard it’s not as easy to just walk away when I’m not 100% sure. I feel like I deserve more but I don’t know what to do, I need some advice please and I don’t want to talk to any of my close friends because they know him they love him and would probably support him. I have been through hard times with him when he had severe mental health issues and I have opened up to him tonight about how I am feeling how I am upset and all he has done is argue and told me to go away and said it’s bs essentially.

 

Do your friends and family also know how irrationally jealous, rude and emotionally manipulative he is?

 

My guess is that they don't, because you protect him and whitewash things to make them think all is well. Would that be accurate?

 

No, you are not overreacting. You boyfriend has some serious issues if you can't even mention a band you like without him flying off the handle. That isn't normal, OP. Surely you already know that. You're feeling "meh" because you know this isn't a healthy relationship and you have lost the desire to try for someone who isn't trying for you. There are plenty of rational, mature guys out there who won't make you question whether the good bits are enough to justify staying; the relationship would be good enough in general to keep you happily committed.

 

This isn't your forever guy.

[Billie28]

When people describe the good or highs as very good, there is a problem.

 

Happy couples enjoy everything day, there are no extreme highs or lows.

Just happy.

 

Don’t stay with someone because of those occasional happy times.

They will become fewer and further in between.

 

It’s over. Don’t worry about losing supposed mutual friends.

 

And don’t be surprised that those mutual friends aren’t after all.

[Wiseman2]

Take this opportunity to distance from him. Socially, emotionally, physically. Use this time educate yourself on abusive relationships. Google "red flags for abuse". Join the a few of many domestic violence support groups. Rather than facetime him start videochats with informed supportive people who can help extricate you from this. This is typical:

when we are good it is so good and I don’t want to lose that

[Andrina]

You don't get to choose someone else's lifetime partner and nobody gets to choose yours. It wouldn't matter if there were no dealbreakers and you just weren't feeling it with a guy. It's your life and your choice.

 

The good can never outweigh the bad with a dealbreaker, and now his behavior has killed your love for him. Don't second-guess yourself that you are making a mistake in breaking up. You've learned a life lesson which should benefit you in making better choices for a mate in the future. You'll likely spot red flags sooner, and know not to hope for better behavior in the future. Cutting the losers loose ASAP will allow you to be free when Mr. Right comes along. When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Good luck.

[UmadBro]

A wise mentor to me when I was just 18 said to me one day after observing my extremely jealous wife's behavior in another tirade of accusations & conjecture, "Bubba, your wife is cheating on you." I thought that claim was absurd especially after his witness, but he urged me to trust him. He was right & also told me the more severe the jealousy, the higher the chance the accuser is the one. I have seen that advice ring true time & time again in 30 years following. The only one other scenario is him being heavy with insecurity. Then again in my observations, 90% of men treat women like crap today. Anyway, never can he love someone until he accepts & loves himself for who & what he is. Frankly, once self acceptance is truly accomplished ,not 1 person remains on Earth from whom to seek acceptance or approval.

 

I venture to say bail out now to avoid misery or eventual harm. Even peaceful quiet truce is not worth it if the energy is dead. Attraction is a natural force of energy and a man's regard for you is reflected in the way he looks at you & touches you. If the energy is there, the stronger it is, the more powerful his touch would be. All things are surrounded by the aura of what something is,we pick it up as vibe or the gut. The gut is never wrong btw. When something is real words are not needed, you know already as you can feel it ,sense it, it's aura is all around it.

 

She is a well sculpted art of a divine hand & crafted to be presented to Man as his finest gift.

What truly makes true art truly priceless is the jolting rattle of response from emotion & imagination upon sight of it. People & faces affect us the same. How they affect us is beyond our control...but not beyond observation. I have learned that when the sight of her has the power to trigger that pulse pounding ,breathtaking downhill zoom feeling as butterflies flutter in, great will be the power of the explosive natural burst of energy brought on by + & - coming into contact with 1 & other & that the intensity of an experience is measured by the passion with which it was applied.

Something void of the energy or neutral produces nothing unless detachment ,resentment, & a cold bitter soul are something.