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The most mortifying sex issue...


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Hey all,

 

I've been writing on here periodically about the lack of sex drive in my partner. I finally got the nerve to ask him about this and he coldly responded that it's a hygiene issue. He says when we have sex, he smells my vagina and that it makes his parts itchy right after. I am humiliated. I have not been having any medical issues down there and shower daily. I have had previous partners tell me they enjoy the natural scent... I don't know what to do or say. The passion never felt natural with him and something doesn't feel right. Is this REALLY the issue?

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That would be a deal breaker for me. Sometimes I wince at how fast the advice to “dump him” is given but this time I’m thinking that if I were in you shoes I would have to end it.

 

Deal breaker both ways:

 

If I truly was hyper-sensitive to a woman’s scent and my penis was “allergic” I would bounce.

 

And if I were you I would insist on only partnering with a man who enjoys sex together.

 

For some people sex isn’t too important but I place a very high value in sexual compatibility. Whatever you decide I hope you don’t start second guessing your body’s natural appeal. This guy sounds like a clown to me...in this department anyway...

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OP, the sex has been an issue from the start ( 1 year). Isn't this the guy that has some serious mental health issues?

 

Don't continue with this guy because he is not as bad as your ex, as he is still a terrible partner choice. Have you considered getting some therapy to deal with the abusive relationship and also address your inability to be on your own.

 

This guy is throwing this on you which is awful. I believe that posters advised you to dump him long ago. Dump him and be single for a long while.

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Ouch. I'm sorry. this is probably just as cringeworthy for him to say, as it is fot you to hear. Assuming you believe him and he's not saying things to hurt you or hide some lack on his part. If he is then dump him....

 

If not....

 

Could you have a yeast infection?

 

I ask this seriously, do you use soap? Is it bar soap or a shower gel? With a wash cloth or just your hands? (rhetorical questions for you to review what you're doing)

 

Maybe try googling the proper way to clean your vagina and see... i know that sounds silly, but maybe your not putting in enough effort down there?

 

Like anything else, it could be him... he doesn't like your scent. Or it could be you not being as proactive as you think.

 

Sorry this is happening.

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I took a gander through your past threads, which I'd participated in, and this kind of feels like a crescendo or, if you'll pardon the pretension, the denouement. Cliff's Notes go something like: you've spent a year trying to be satisfied in a sexually unsatisfying relationship, and now this. The time, I think, has come to move on.

 

To your question of: Is this really the issue? Well, my answer is: does it really matter?

 

If it's his truth—which, hey, it's allowed to be—do you want to continue trying to make it work with a guy who just nakedly revealed all the ways he stinks? And if it's an insensitive Trojan Horse containing and concealing the "real" issue—e.g. why this guy has always been a passionless dud when the lights dim—do you really want to know more about that issue? Classic Catch-22, really, where everything points to the same spot. If a relationship is a nuclear silo, this is one where the uranium is not enriched, and has never been.

 

Fact: you are hot, smell fine, crave heat, know this. Fact: he lives on a planet where he can't see any of that. Fact: to figure out how to make such a planet a home means basically self-neutering (as you've already tried for a year) and now it means humiliation (which I say skip).

 

My gut read goes like this: your toxic relationship prior to him was super fuego in the sack and a spirit-depleting war zone everywhere else. In response to that, you swung the pendulum far, far in the other direction and gave this guy a go. Happens. Human. The thing you want? It's somewhere in the middle. Thank this guy, in your mind, for the compass adjustment and get out there and find someone who melts where this clown holds his nose.

 

It's what you want, what you deserve, no?

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Sounds like a yeast infection or...you could just be naturally very strong smelling.

 

What can you do about it? First, make sure it's not a yeast infection. There are treatments you can take and see if it helps.

Secondly, if you've done all that and still have the odor, consider seeing a doctor. And lastly, if nothing else works, then you will have to come to terms with the fact that you've got a stronger odor and there isn't much you can do about it.

 

Although it will be and is a deal breaker for your boyfriend.

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There's something called bacterial vaginosis that can cause vaginal odour and that doesn't have the obvious symptoms that thrush does, so that might be worth looking into if you aren't experiencing thrush symptoms. As for him feeling itchy afterwards, is he using a condom? If so, the problem is more a reaction to the latex. If not (which I assume to be the case), maybe he's not washing himself properly afterwards. If he was repeatedly catching thrush from you he'd likely have more than just an itch.

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I've been writing on here periodically about the lack of sex drive in my partner. I finally got the nerve to ask him about this and he coldly responded that it's a hygiene issue. He says when we have sex, he smells my vagina and that it makes his parts itchy right after. I am humiliated. I have not been having any medical issues down there and shower daily. I have had previous partners tell me they enjoy the natural scent... I don't know what to do or say. The passion never felt natural with him and something doesn't feel right. Is this REALLY the issue?

 

Oh really? And where's he been for the last year, letting you smell up the whole place? Why didn't he say anything about it until now?

 

Yeah right. I don't believe him.

 

Honestly, I think he's just being mean, trying to turn his own problem around on you in a way that is calculated to cause you shame and cut you down a notch.

 

Not a nice guy.

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I just wanted to say, reading this thread, I noticed that the responses, that I recognize as written by male members, are so kind and supportive.

 

Not that the others or the ladies aren't... but you know, guys don't always get a lot of credit for being supportive, especially with a subject so delicate.

 

[emoji122][emoji122][emoji122] [emoji119][emoji119][emoji119]

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Not that the others or the ladies aren't... but you know, guys don't always get a lot of credit for being supportive, especially with a subject so delicate.

 

[emoji122][emoji122][emoji122] [emoji119][emoji119][emoji119]

 

I don't understand what gender has to do with anything. If someone is not understanding of simple things like this then he/she is a dumb*ss regardless of the gender.

 

OP, I suggest visiting your doctor to find out if it is a yeast infection or not. Maybe it's your natural odor and you can't do anything.

 

Also, what Jib said. If he remembered this after a year, it is very likely there is something else going on.

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I don't understand what gender has to do with anything. If someone is not understanding of simple things like this then he/she is a dumb*ss regardless of the gender.

 

OP, I suggest visiting your doctor to find out if it is a yeast infection or not. Maybe it's your natural odor and you can't do anything.

 

Also, what Jib said. If he remembered this after a year, it is very likely there is something else going on.

I'm just expressing gratitude. It had nothing to do with anything
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If in fact you all of a sudden had a new odor and he has started itching, a caring partner would mention it kindly, suggesting that you get it checked out by a gynecologist. Sounds to me like he's trying to hurt you because he sees you as attacking him. What would I do? Break up with the cold fish, and just to rule out any vaginal issue, it wouldn't hurt to mention it to the gynecologist on your yearly visit that you want to make sure you're free if any infections. Even if you do have one, he's still a jerk.

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I ask this seriously, do you use soap? Is it bar soap or a shower gel? With a wash cloth or just your hands? (rhetorical questions for you to review what you're doing)

 

Maybe try googling the proper way to clean your vagina and see... i know that sounds silly, but maybe your not putting in enough effort down there?

 

Just want to add that it is NOT a good idea to wash your vagina with bar soap (not sure if that's what Lambert suggested here), as it will mess up the natural, healthy vagina PH and make you more susceptible to infections.

 

In my experience a healthy scent after shower smells slightly acidic, especially when I'm aroused. Some people might have different/stronger scents but it doesn't necessarily indicate yeast or any other infection - a doctor can easily diagnose that if you have any discomfort or other symptoms. But I wouldn't do it just because of your bf's comment. He sounds rude and cowardly. It would be different if he was actually concerned about your health and raised it in a gentle, loving way. But he was clearly using it as an excuse to get you off his back and potentially to hurt your feelings on purpose. I had an ex who would make comments on my scent (in a positive way, like he loves it and it turns him on all the time). He's also very enthusiastic about giving orals. I jokingly asked him once what would he do if he didn't like my scent. He said he'd shut up and do it (going down on me) anyways. I should also mention that an important factor in women's vagina health is good sex hygiene. If the man pays attention to cleaning their hands, penis and whatever they use to touch/stimulate you down there it goes a long way to prevent vaginal infections. Meanwhile if he has itchy penis maybe he's the one with a problem and you should ask him to get checked (if you still plan to have sex with him, that is).

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Thank you for your supportive replies.

 

He did say that his happened when he was 19 and the girl had a yeast infection. I've had it before and had obvious symptoms. But not since dating him. I can take a treatment just to be sure.

 

I do believe that this is his truth and is what turns him off. But I also believe that my body is doing what its supposed to be doing during sex. In my previous experience, these things arent supposed to be pretty and get messy. The passion and lust usually takes over and those things dont matter.

 

I'm definitely not keeping a romantic relationship with this man. Even if it is honesty, I did not feel compassion or support that usually comes from a lover. Weve been dating for 14 months and sex has been an issue from the start. He said he didnt say anything because its awkward. Fair. But man, how did he let it go this long? I believe it was just another convenient reason to not have sex because he doesnt desire it.

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Thank you for your supportive replies.

 

He did say that his happened when he was 19 and the girl had a yeast infection. I've had it before and had obvious symptoms. But not since dating him. I can take a treatment just to be sure.

 

I do believe that this is his truth and is what turns him off. But I also believe that my body is doing what its supposed to be doing during sex. In my previous experience, these things arent supposed to be pretty and get messy. The passion and lust usually takes over and those things dont matter.

 

I'm definitely not keeping a romantic relationship with this man. Even if it is honesty, I did not feel compassion or support that usually comes from a lover. Weve been dating for 14 months and sex has been an issue from the start. He said he didnt say anything because its awkward. Fair. But man, how did he let it go this long? I believe it was just another convenient reason to not have sex because he doesnt desire it.

 

Exactly! Great decision OP. Stay safe during the quarantine and have fun exploring your body by yourself or with a more compassionate, compatible partner :friendly_wink:

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Just want to add that it is NOT a good idea to wash your vagina with bar soap (not sure if that's what Lambert suggested here), as it will mess up the natural, healthy vagina PH and make you more susceptible to infections.

 

Not suggesting any process, rather asking q's to help her look into her own process, if she feels there is an odor problem, how she's cleaning herself could a problem.

 

For anyone interested, there is a GOOP episode on netflix about lady parts. Haven't watched but looked intetesting....

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But man, how did he let it go this long?

 

Well, it seems you both have been able to keep a relationship going without much sex or sexual connection for 14 months. His reasons for that are his, but I'd imagine there's some overlap in the Venn Diagram: him thinking you're a great woman, him wanting companionship and partnership, him bringing some past issues into this, and so forth. But in terms of getting forensic about it, I'd focus more on yourself, not him, so future romances aren't based in part around you suppressing essential needs and urges, as this one was.

 

Sorry about all this, again. If this moment existed in a vacuum—like, if sex between you had suddenly become weird after a fiery year—I'd be more encouraging to try to address this. But zooming out this is not an isolated incident, but just a particularly unfortunate chapter in a sexual dynamic that has never approached functionality or fulfillment.

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To be honest, the fact that it went on for 14 months leads me to believe that you either 1.) don't have a close relationship like you thought you did or 2.) Are not honest with one another like you should be.

 

It's not the nicest subject to bring up, but if you and your partner truly were close and good friends, this is something that should have been talked about a few days after the first incident.

 

If there's more going on that caused this or maybe he's trying to hurt you, then that only doubles how not good your relationship is going.

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