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My bf called me selfish


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My bf and I have been together almost 4 years. We have lived together for a few months. I’m 31, he’s 33. We both work. I am working from home because of the virus, whereas he still has to work normally. We got a dog together. So, I do the household chores, take care of the dog, do the shopping... you know.

I ask him to take out our dog like once a day. He told me today that I need to help him out more. That his job is physical and he breaks his back all day, so I should take the dog out.

Prior to the virus, my commute is an hour each way. We moved where we live now because it was more convenient for him. I agreed. It also allowed us to get a dog because he’d take her out on his lunch.

 

So, I told him I’m tired of him saying that he breaks his back. I do everything for him. Laundry, cleaning, cooking, making him a fresh, hot lunch EVERYDAY on his break. I work from home. He says he knows I still work, but it’s “easier for me.” It’s not! I hate working from home. It’s stressful and hard for me to get things done.

 

I told him I’m so hurt that he called me selfish. And on top of that he left after he said that to return back to work without even saying goodbye to me.

 

I also told him if this is how it’s gonna be that I can’t imagine me wanting to have kids with him. He seemed taken aback.

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It is time to stop doing everything for him. He is taking it for granted. You are working too . Whether it is someone doing cerebral work or physical work it is still work. If he can’t understand that then..... I certainly wouldn’t have kids because you will be doing all that too despite working.

 

Just stop doing everything, period.

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Who knows. He would vacuum and mop the floors before I worked from home, but now since I’m home all the time, I guess it’s on me. He asked if I wanted him to vacuum last weekend and I said no, because he had just come in from work and said he was exhausted.

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It’s really draining doing all of it... and to be called selfish... ugh.

It is time to stop doing everything for him. He is taking it for granted. You are working too . Whether it is someone doing cerebral work or physical work it is still work. If he can’t understand that then..... I certainly wouldn’t have kids because you will be doing all that too despite working.

 

Just stop doing everything, period.

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Who knows. He would vacuum and mop the floors before I worked from home, but now since I’m home all the time, I guess it’s on me. He asked if I wanted him to vacuum last weekend and I said no, because he had just come in from work and said he was exhausted.

 

Well ,working from home doesn’t mean you’re not doing anything. Don’t bother making his hot lunch he can do it himself. Don’t bother doing his laundry he can do it himself.

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I guess my concern is not wanting to play games. We have one laundry basket in the laundry room. Do I only take out my laundry and leave his? lol

 

Not to mention I’m vegan and he’s not, so I make two different meals each time.

Well ,working from home doesn’t mean you’re not doing anything. Don’t bother making his hot lunch he can do it himself. Don’t bother doing his laundry he can do it himself.
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I guess my concern is not wanting to play games. We have one laundry basket in the laundry room. Do I only take out my laundry and leave his? lol

 

Not to mention I’m vegan and he’s not, so I make two different meals each time.

It is not about playing games. It is about being fair you take out your clothes and wash them. He can make his own lunch it doesn’t have to be hot. You both work just because you are working from home doesn’t mean you are there to do everything.

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I agree with Seraphim.... Its not playing games. He wants to say hurtful things and walk out without talking things out, then he can do his own chores.

 

If he is being immature "because he"s mad" and just expects you to keep doing everything to be the peace keeper, then you are basically his servant.

 

I'd be mad he said my job was easier, called me selfish and took advantage of me by expecting me to be the maid.

 

I'd do my chores and meals, take care of the dog and see how he likes it.

 

Playing nice well only get you walked on.

 

Depending on how he reacts, think very seriously before marriage or kids.... this is who he is.

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Did he use the word "selfish"? Just curious, for context.

 

Anyhow, what I'd try to do—assuming you guys are generally good, and this is a rough moment in a rough time—is talk to him during a calm moment. I'd tell him that you know this is an extraordinarily hard time—for you both, for everyone—and that you want to feel like a team, not adversaries. Let him know that, when he puts forth this idea that you're selfish, or that this is all "easier" for you, that it makes you feel like adversaries. You appreciate what he's doing right now, but you're also doing a lot, and you need that seen, understood, and appreciated as well. Then you listen to what he says, and hopefully you guys can reset the scales a bit.

 

My few cents, or at least how I'd personally address it before drawing a line in the sand where suddenly only your laundry is done, your meals cooked, and so on. I get that approach, I suppose, but I'm not sure how it leads to harmony without first creating more unrest for both of you during an already turbulent time.

 

If nothing levels out? Well, then you start getting a bit more creative.

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Yep, he said selfish. Interesting, because something similar happened a couple weeks ago and I said he was acting selfish. Guess it’s a new hot word to use. I just feel like crap. I even tried smoothing things out and it made it worse because he isn’t or doesn’t want to recognize that what he said was hurtful and untrue.

 

Did he use the word "selfish"? Just curious, for context.

 

Anyhow, what I'd try to do—assuming you guys are generally good, and this is a rough moment in a rough time—is talk to him during a calm moment. I'd tell him that you know this is an extraordinarily hard time—for you both, for everyone—and that you want to feel like a team, not adversaries. Let him know that, when he puts forth this idea that you're selfish, or that this is all "easier" for you, that it makes you feel like adversaries. You appreciate what he's doing right now, but you're also doing a lot, and you need that seen, understood, and appreciated as well. Then you listen to what he says, and hopefully you guys can reset the scales a bit.

 

My few cents, or at least how I'd personally address it before drawing a line in the sand where suddenly only your laundry is done, your meals cooked, and so on. I get that approach, I suppose, but I'm not sure how it leads to harmony without first creating more unrest for both of you during an already turbulent time.

 

If nothing levels out? Well, then you start getting a bit more creative.

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Yep, he said selfish. Interesting, because something similar happened a couple weeks ago and I said he was acting selfish. Guess it’s a new hot word to use. I just feel like crap. I even tried smoothing things out and it made it worse because he isn’t or doesn’t want to recognize that what he said was hurtful and untrue.

 

Ooof.

 

I don't know your history, which is to say I don't know how much this is "out of nowhere" or a more potent version of caveman qualities of his that have irked you for some time but were manageable when, you know, we humans weren't dealing with a global pandemic. If it's the former? Well, these are very trying times and I'm a believer that we owe people a lot of latitude during hard times. If it's the latter? Then you have some bigger thinking to do here. Is there any pattern here of him saying something hurtful to you but not "getting it" even when you explain you were hurt?

 

This is just me, but if I ever found myself in a relationship where I was passive aggressively not washing a plate or putting something in the washing machine to "make a point" I'd know I was in a relationship that was over. I literally don't think that gear exists in my engine, just to be transparent about my bias. But, hey, maybe it exists in yours? If not, I'd still try to bring up the idea of wanting to be teammates and see if (a) you could have a chat about what that looks like for both of you and (b) see if that kind of chat leads to any progress.

 

And just to be clear: while I know I'm championing the diplomats approach here, I am feeling for you right now. Working from home is not for everyone, and laundry, cooking, cleaning, and so on? That right there is back breaking stuff. I'm really sorry he's not able to see that right now—and, for both your sakes, I do hope you can find a healthy way to defog his windshield.

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Who knows. He would vacuum and mop the floors before I worked from home, but now since I’m home all the time, I guess it’s on me. He asked if I wanted him to vacuum last weekend and I said no, because he had just come in from work and said he was exhausted.

 

No. You have allowed this to happen.

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I guess my concern is not wanting to play games. We have one laundry basket in the laundry room. Do I only take out my laundry and leave his? lol

 

Not to mention I’m vegan and he’s not, so I make two different meals each time.

 

Why isn't he making his own food?

 

He sounds very manipulative. How many times has stuff like this happened over the years?

Edited by Hollyj
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It really sucks to not feel appreciated by your partner. Moving in together can be challenging in good times, but you guys have the added stress of this current situation.

I feel like I can relate to some specific points here as when my partner and I moved in together, I was the meat eater with a physically demanding job, and he was a vegan with a mostly home based business. He did a lot of cooking for me, laundry, household tasks. We butted heads at one point about it, as he felt I was taking what he did for granted. And I was! Going from being on my own and doing everything with a more than full workload to getting treated like that, it was too easy to be lazy at home!

What worked for us was a few good sit downs figuring out how to divy up tasks, making sure both of us would feel it was more fair. I learned to be more vocal in my appreciation too, as that meant ( still does ) a great deal to him.

We cook more vegan meals than not, and if I want meat or cheese, I make it. This cuts the workload a lot and it doesn't hurt me to eat more veggies:)

Laundry, we take turns. Same with some other shared work.

Just saying, I'd try the diplomatic team mate approach first. We still to this day, if there's a disagreement, start off with emphasizing we are in it together and let's work the problem. It's been very helpful in avoiding an argumentative approach.

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It really sucks to not feel appreciated by your partner. Moving in together can be challenging in good times, but you guys have the added stress of this current situation.

I feel like I can relate to some specific points here as when my partner and I moved in together, I was the meat eater with a physically demanding job, and he was a vegan with a mostly home based business. He did a lot of cooking for me, laundry, household tasks. We butted heads at one point about it, as he felt I was taking what he did for granted. And I was! Going from being on my own and doing everything with a more than full workload to getting treated like that, it was too easy to be lazy at home!

What worked for us was a few good sit downs figuring out how to divy up tasks, making sure both of us would feel it was more fair. I learned to be more vocal in my appreciation too, as that meant ( still does ) a great deal to him.

We cook more vegan meals than not, and if I want meat or cheese, I make it. This cuts the workload a lot and it doesn't hurt me to eat more veggies:)

Laundry, we take turns. Same with some other shared work.

Just saying, I'd try the diplomatic team mate approach first. We still to this day, if there's a disagreement, start off with emphasizing we are in it together and let's work the problem. It's been very helpful in avoiding an argumentative approach.

 

Nice post.

 

For some people living together is a pretty big step—a way to see if, you know, this can be it. And even if it's viewed differently? It is still your life, being lived, so I suppose I'm saying this is a great time to remember to live it how you'd like and see if you can do that with and alongside someone.

 

For some, that might mean war of diplomacy. For others it'll be diplomacy over war. And still others will wave the white flag and bow out. Not sure if there's a right answer, but I do like the above in as a case study in what diplomacy offers as foundation to handling conflict over combat.

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... he isn’t or doesn’t want to recognize that what he said was hurtful and untrue.

 

OP, is this argument stemming from reactions/stress due to the pandemic or is this something that has been an ongoing issue for that past 4 years?

 

I ask this because I agree with bluecastle. Times like these are tough and so if you love someone, you give them some flexibility and a bit more understanding. If 4 years in to this relationship, he's become more irritable then you may want to ask if its because he's being impacted by the pandemic. For instance, your fight sounds similar to a fight I had with my husband last week. Last week was stressful teleworking because I had two short notice deadlines that had to do with new grant $ for COVID-19 impacted businesses and bogged down with calls that kept sidetracking me. One of those days, the dog just kept pawing me to get my attention because it was passed 5pmish and being that he is a working dog breed, he was ready to go work. Husband got home and I thought "great! maybe he can help with the dog and I can finish this project." He snapped at me said he just had a grueling 10 hours shift because over time due to the pandemic. I snapped back about my deadline... before I knew it, we were yelling about all the x and y we do and have done since quarantine happened. It was a competition now and had nothing to do with diplomacy/support. Our dog literally tip toed(clawed) around us to go to his kennel! Any way long story short we both ended up apologizing. Think we both just needed some fresh air (yes we both begrudgingly took our dog out for his run).

 

If this is an ongoing issue, you might want to wait until he's simmered down to talk to him.

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I had a quick look at your posting history to get some more background info and there's numerous threads you've started about problems with your boyfriend.

 

I'd be interested to hear what others think after having a look over some of the past threads. But from glancing over a few of them myself (I admit I didn't have time to read them all), I don't get the impression that this is a one-off blip in an otherwise harmonious relationship.

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Unfortunately it seems you need to work out some living together issues without name calling and picking fights. Decide who does what. Stop doing too much but respect that you both work and added a dog in the mix.

My bf and I have been together almost 4 years. We have lived together for a few months. I I do everything for him. Laundry, cleaning, cooking, making him a fresh, hot lunch EVERYDAY on his break. I work from home
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Well ,working from home doesn’t mean you’re not doing anything. Don’t bother making his hot lunch he can do it himself. Don’t bother doing his laundry he can do it himself.

 

I agree and I think these times call for ongoing talks about who should do what -in our house there are so many changes to our routine and schedule because of the virus. Just today I realized it's unfair for him to do his usual "on duty" stuff with our son once my husband wakes up because lately he's been "on duty" at night as my son now has trouble sleeping because he's way off schedule because of the virus. Honestly it wasn't selfish on my part -I'm just learning as I go and I realized I need to do more with our son today (my husband didn't ask -yet- which is why it didn't occur to me -we don't have strict times we do this but on a typical day he hangs with our son so I can get stuff done, takes him out to lunch too (which we cannot do now.....).

 

Meaning - talk, communicate -try not to let it get to resentment. I was feeling really resentful the other day because now I'm doing so much more cleaning and cooking - and my husband pointed out that he is doing more now too with our son who is home full time. Turns out we were both doing "behind the scenes" stuff and were on autopilot with what we each now have to get done that is extra. Now I feel better, it feels more "fair" as far as my increased workload.

 

Again if this is unusual between you two, this is an unusual time - be adults. Talk it out calmly or write it BUT read it to him - not just click/text.

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I'm curious to know what made you make the final decision to move in with him. In a previous thread you talked about not wanting to leave your elderly dog. I presume you decided to leave the dog after all to accommodate your boyfriend wanting you to move in.

 

So, has accommodating your boyfriend something that has become usual? Are you starting to resent him for it?

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My bf and I have been together almost 4 years. We have lived together for a few months. I’m 31, he’s 33. We both work. I am working from home because of the virus, whereas he still has to work normally. We got a dog together. So, I do the household chores, take care of the dog, do the shopping... you know.

I ask him to take out our dog like once a day. He told me today that I need to help him out more. That his job is physical and he breaks his back all day, so I should take the dog out.

Prior to the virus, my commute is an hour each way. We moved where we live now because it was more convenient for him. I agreed. It also allowed us to get a dog because he’d take her out on his lunch.

 

So, I told him I’m tired of him saying that he breaks his back. I do everything for him. Laundry, cleaning, cooking, making him a fresh, hot lunch EVERYDAY on his break. I work from home. He says he knows I still work, but it’s “easier for me.” It’s not! I hate working from home. It’s stressful and hard for me to get things done.

 

I told him I’m so hurt that he called me selfish. And on top of that he left after he said that to return back to work without even saying goodbye to me.

 

I also told him if this is how it’s gonna be that I can’t imagine me wanting to have kids with him. He seemed taken aback.

 

You both could give a little and approach things with a little more grace.

If the dog needs to go out to the bathroom - take the dog out. Don't make the dog wait just because "it would be nice for him to do it." you are home. Just do it if the dog asks. Its YOUR dog, too.

You are home, why not put the crockpot on an have meals for several days? If you are cooking every single day, then stop that. Make things in bigger batches. Don'tdrop everything to cook something new every lunch.

 

If normally you both go to work, but now he is working extra hours perhaps and you are home, then yes, it should be no big deal to wake up 30 minutes earlier - throw the laundy on, the dishwasher on and after you have worked for several hours, empty the dishwasher or put the laundry in the dryer.

 

We are in extraordinary circumstances. He is out there working and its extra stressful. you wonder who was sick, you have extra protocols in place but not every company is good at protecting you. There is no way for him to blow off steam - he can't go meet a buddy for a drink or go to the gym or have that brief moment in the morning after you go to work or later before you come home to have a moment to himself to decompress. He sees you as the lucky one.

 

i would call a truce. Its stressful for both right now - you are out of your normal element both of you.

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