I'm in a relationship with a good man but I feel lonely and unable to connect.

[clementine21]

Hi everybody, so, iI haven't been on a forum in a long time and I don’t really know how to say all this or what to expect but maybe you can help me, cause I really don’t know what to do.

 

So I (23yo female) am in a relationship with this guy (26yo) and we’ve been together for 9 months now. We don’t live together but we used to see each other a few times a week.

 

The thing is.. IDK, even though I’m with him, I still feel kinda lonely when we’re together. Like.. you know all those moments of, like, deep and honest conversations between lovers you see in the movies? well that doesn’t happen, we just can’t seem to reach that level and that makes me feel lonely sometimes even when he’s with me cause I want to have that kind of moments.

He’s a very nice guy, he’s constantly telling me that I’m beautiful and how much he likes being with me and compliments me and tells me nice stuff, and I find him attractive too but it’s hard to believe him. I kinda feel like I never know if I can truly trust him and I can’t relax thinking that maybe he’s not being honest with me. I want to feel like I can trust him, and I wanna feel like he’s accepting me for what I am and not feel so lonely almost all the time and be able to, you know, share deeper stuff with him and feel that connection, not just sex, eating and Netflix every time we spend the night together.

 

Am I going crazy? Did any of you feel this way too, am I the only one? What did you do, if it happened to you ?

 

So yeah, I’m not sure what I should do and I really don’t know if I should stay or break up with him and just look for someone else who could make me happier. I feel like I need to take action somehow but.. I don’t wanna make a rush decision and since we’re gonna be separated for a while, I feel like trying things to learn that might help with my relationship.

 

I’m thinking maybe I need to learn how to make him understand what I need or just learn how to have better relationships, and IDK, maybe you did or tried some things that helped you. Do you guys know of anything like this? Have you tried anything? I’m willing to try many things now since I’m always at home anyway with the lockdown and have loads of free time and internet, so I'm also open to trying apps, websites, youtube channels, whatever could give me good insight or skills to help me improve my relationship.

Thanks a lot, I think by this point anything helps xx

[bluecastle]

Sorry about this.

 

Some questions: How long did you date before committing to be in this relationship? How long have you been feeling this way about him? And can you try to explain what you mean when you say you don't "trust" him? Do you mean his commitment level, his faithfulness?

 

Anyhow, I think that what you're describing, all in all, is just what incompatibility looks like. Yes, it's a lovely thing when we meet someone who is "good" and is into us, but that is really just point of entry to explore the potential of romance, not the ingredients for sustainable harmony. Over time you learn if there's more to a connection than just surface level comfort and thrill, and in this case it kind of sounds like time is showing you that the depths you're seeking aren't there. Not your fault, not his, but just is. Maybe you've needed these nine months to learn a bit more about yourself, and your needs?

 

That's, at least, how I'd look at it. Relationships shouldn't feel forced, especially at this early stage, and if you don't feel seen and accepted by someone? That means they're not the person for you. Some people are totally cool with a life of Netflix and chill—and, hey, all good. Others are not, which is equally all good. But less good? Trying to teach or nudge someone to be a way they are not, which I fear is the path you're already trying to go down. Hard to consider letting go, I know, but as you've already learned it can be very hard to hold onto something that leaves you feeling drained and lonely.

[DancingFool]

It honestly sounds like very basic incompatibility between two people and quite common. Yes, I've felt that way, but the key isn't to try to stick around and keep pounding a square peg into a round hole, it's to recognize that you aren't really fitting right and walk away to seek out a better partner.

 

Also, raise your standards a bit. Every guy I've ever dated is nice and otherwise a good person. That's a pretty low bar as most people you meet are going to be basic decent human beings with few exceptions. Nice or gives me lots of compliments is not enough of a foundation for a lasting relationship. The whole point of dating is to see if that initial attraction can develop into something deeper. When you meet the right person, it happens naturally, it's not an effort. When you aren't quite compatible, it doesn't happen and you recognize that and part ways so you both can find better suited partners. It doesn't make either one of you bad or flawed or in need of new skills or fixing, it simply means that this is a case of oil and water - no matter how much you shake the bottle, it doesn't mix.

[melancholy123]

If you think your relationship with him or any other guy will be like in the movies, then you will be disappointed for the rest of your life. The lovely dovey gushing romances in the movies and on tv are fake. The present a life that just doesnt happen that way.

 

Having said that, maybe you two are not compatible. Are you trying to make yourself be ok with this guy? If it's not flowing naturally than maybe he's not the guy for you.

[Wiseman2]

Some people are simply shallow. There's not much there. You can't have deep talks with someone who lacks depth. It sounds like you are incompatible or he has emotional constipation.

[Keyman]

For a start, stop comparing real life to movies. That is setting your expectations at a time when you should not have any.

 

And, it also sounds like he has moved into an area of contentment with you, just getting on with the relationship, yet, you are still after excitement. The way you describe him is that he is this nice beta guy, who tells me what I want to hear, but he just doesn't excite you. He's the kind of guy you want to settle down with and get on with life when you are ready for that. But you are young, and want excitement, some guy that makes your heart rush, some guy that keeps you on your toes, and this guy just doesn't do it for you. It's almost like he's too nice, and you want a guy who you don't understand, a guy who pushes you a little harder and a guy who doesn't give you all you want.

 

On another side, you mention finding a guy who makes you happy. Perhaps you are not happy in yourself. You shouldn't look for your happiness in other people, it's not up to them to make you happy, it's up to you. And if you aren't happy with yourself, it doesn't matter how great the guy is, he can only cover your unhappiness for so long and sooner or later it will come out again.

 

Either way, I would let the poor guy go. He likely thinks everything is dandy. Then get out there, live life a little. Upskill yourself, find your a hobby that doesn't revolve around being in a relationship, and explore what life has to offer. And find a means to be happy by yourself. Then, go find a guy who makes you feel all of those things, if he exists.

[reinventmyself]

I understand what you are saying.

There are different levels of intimacy and it sounds as if you are experiencing for the most part is a superficial relationship.

He's a great guy, he compliments you, you watch movies but there isn't that intimate connection where you feel known by him and vice versa. Everything seems to just skim the surface.

We've all had those experiences where you meet someone you felt you've known all your life? There's this instant connection. They share intimate parts of them self and you feel safe to do the same. Granted that doesn't happen often but you can work on trying to get to some place similar.

It may have to start with you taking that risk. Share some stories about yourself and ask deeper questions in return. See where that takes you. At this point you have nothing to lose.

I dated someone and had the same experience. He just didn't want to be known. For some people that level of intimacy makes them uncomfortable. But I am with you. I need that connection or the rest just doesn't matter.

[jimthzz]

So are you trying for "The Notebook", "Nottinghill", or something like that?

 

How about real life?

 

A lot of people don't want to do the deep talks about feelings, especially men.

 

But they'll love, live a life with you, do fun things, pay bills, rear children, even buy your mom flowers.

 

What will you do if you find a guy that wants to really, really get into talking about feelings and you just want the lawn clipped and the dryer to work?

[Skeptic76]

Have you shared your concerns with him yet?

[Lambert]

In what ways have you tried to express your needs?

 

If you've tried and it didn't work, that is different than he thinks things are fine.

 

If you really like him, its worth it to talk to him. Maybe that's your first deep talk...

[Wiseman2]

When you acquiesce to Netflix and chill, that's all you'll get. It seems he wants hookups but you want a relationship. Take this time to find your exit strategy, or just end it now.

not just sex, eating and Netflix every time we spend the night together.

[Andrina]

I know what it feels like to try and have an interesting conversation with a bf and have it fall flat, because I was with one of them for a year. No matter what I asked, which I thought were fun questions like: Do you have a bucket list of places you'd like to travel to? Or: The next time we have a weekend day off together, is there something fun you want do? His replies would either be that he couldn't even think past the next day to think of the future, or that he had questions asked of him all day at work and didn't want to hear them from me too. Lord, did I ever have low self esteem at the time to stick around for that nonsense.

 

I know my father dated the prettiest blond cheerleader at high school, but then he realized she lacked substance in conversation. Then he met my mother and dated her instead, because she did engage in beefier conversations with him.

 

You're bored and don't mesh well with him. Best to get out now before you invest anymore time. One always feels horrible hurting someone else's feelings, but you can't sacrifice your happiness when there are no do-overs in life.

[SophiaG]

As someone who puts a lot of value on good conversations and emotional connection in relationships, I think I can relate to this. If you constantly feel bored or uninspired by your interaction, it could be that you two don't have the same level of depth or you're interested in very different things. These incompatibilities tend to become painfully obvious once the initial infatuation/physical attraction starts to wear off.

 

However, this stands out to me as something different:

 

and I find him attractive too but it’s hard to believe him. I kinda feel like I never know if I can truly trust him and I can’t relax thinking that maybe he’s not being honest with me. I want to feel like I can trust him, and I wanna feel like he’s accepting me for what I am and not feel so lonely almost all the time and be able to, you know, share deeper stuff with him and feel that connection, not just sex, eating and Netflix every time we spend the night together.

 

Have you thought about why it seems so hard to believe/trust him? Has he done anything that makes you think he's not trustworthy? Or you feel you don't know him well enough to trust him? Could it be that you have some doubts about yourself so when he compliments you it doesn't sound sincere? Have you been able to trust a partner before your current boyfriend?

[limichelle]

I need good conversation and a deep emotional connection so I feel you OP.

 

You’re not going to be able to change him or suddenly make him have more depth. It sounds like you’re bored and incompatible.

 

If all he wants is basic things like the Netflix and chill then that’s all you will get unfortunately. I would move on from him and find someone more interesting for you.

[clementine21]

Thank you so, so much everybody for your answers. It means a lot to me :)

 

I've been thinking for a while that it might just be incompatibility.

 

However I do know that I'm no relationship expert. My only "real" long term relationship before him was in high school, and we were kids back then, I guess expectations were different. After that I was mostly into casual things, I'd be seeing someone for a few weeks maybe and at the first sign that things were going on I'd leave, there was not much emotional attachment. So I know that when it comes to skills that people need in real, quality relationships, many of you mentioned communicating for example, I might not be the best. But he still feels different than the other guys and like its worth trying a bit more. And that's why I want to see if there's anything on my part that I can learn or improve also. Esp since we'll not be seeing each other for a while with the coronavirus thing ( he went help his parents for a while) I'd never break up via phone or messages it just seems disrespectful.

So I'm thinking of using this time to see what I might be missing. Any of you heard of relationship hero? a friend told me about it, its supposed to be a sort of coaching app for situations like this but IDK if I can trust it. Or anything similar?

I'm really bored stuck inside while at the same time motivated to do something useful with my time, and I like digital things ^^

[Wiseman2]

If you need a relationship coach, therapy, etc after 6 dates, that alone tells you you're not compatible. Why not invest your time in finding someone more compatible?

I've been thinking for a while that it might just be incompatibility.

Any of you heard of relationship hero? its supposed to be a sort of coaching app for situations like this but IDK if I can trust it.

[Cherylyn]

Are you bored and trying to create drama when there isn't any?

 

What do you want? Intellectual stimulating conversations? More activities such as COVID-19 pandemic worthy enjoyment whether it's home cooked meals, board or card games, watching good movies (documentaries / or other programs) together, getting immersed into hobbies (whether individually or together), fitness (sports / working out / taking walks together) or what is it that you're looking for in a partner (boyfriend)?

 

I think you're going crazy due to the pandemic, getting bad cabin fever and your limited social options with him. I remember when I dated my husband. We ate out every weekend, went to our friend's backyard BBQs, met friends at parks for potluck picnics, participated in the company baseball team, went out on a lot of excursions / outings, some movies, weekend road trips and the like. We had a blast. We were busy with church life, too.

 

Some couples read books and discuss what they've read for an intellectually stimulating conversation.

 

I hear you though. I have a MIL (mother-in-law) who only talks about shopping, discount coupons, where she ate, what she ate, what she bought, her hairstylist's life whom she sees weekly despite COVID-19 pandemic, movies, soap operas, outside entertainment, amusement tickets, her poor health, aches 'n pains, doing take out meals every night with FIL, drivel and her devout support for President Trump until my eyes glaze over. The woman doesn't come up for air! She doesn't have a life and instead lives vicariously through others. I always have to run away! Even my sons get up and leave the table! Talk about incompatible. If you're looking for deeper conversations, enjoy philosophy, human psychology, empathetic type conversations and the like, perhaps you're with the wrong person and really incompatible with him.

 

To answer your question, yes, you have to weed people out of your life and whittle down your preferences in people. I have shallow, superficial relationships with certain relatives and in-laws in particular. You can only discuss the weather with them and that's how much you have to dumb it down to the point of idiocy. Then I have a BFF whom I've known ever since I was 9 years old and we're tight, think alike, speak alike, write alike and it's great. Prior to the pandemic, we met for all day shopping and took breaks for meals. Fortunately, she's local and only within a 30 minute drive from my house.

 

You've only known him for 9 months. If you feel disappointed in him because he doesn't have that spark you're looking for, perhaps he's not the one for you. However, beware. I've known guys who talk a good game, they're the life of the party, 'Mr. Popular,' turn it on socially and publicly, know how to turn on their charm, they're pretentious yet they have their dark side. Some guys are masters at manipulation, controlling, gaslighting experts (google 'gaslighting'), obnoxiously disrespectful, rude, unkind, inconsiderate, selfish, mean and cruel. They have a Jekkyl and Hyde personality which is scary! Some guys are wolves in sheep's clothing.

 

Give me a boring, simple, plain guy any day because what you see is what you get. At least they're hard working, humble, good, kind and trustworthy which are PRICELESS characteristic traits. Unfortunately, I've since observed all sorts of despicable men AMONG my relatives, in-laws and friends. There are good men out there just like finding a needle in a haystack. I'm not saying all men are bad. I'm saying that based upon my experience among the men I've known on both sides of my family tree and from my workplace, extended relatives and friends, it was a harsh, sobering reality check. However, I was nice to all of them albeit at a safe, frosty distance!

 

My husband is a nondescript yet nice guy. He works hard. He compliments me, says nice stuff and he is sincere. I trust him with all my being. He always has my back and helps me with EVERYTHING for everyday living. I've never seen a man give so much of himself to his wife and children.

 

My husband sounds similar to your boyfriend. You need to appreciate the star qualities in a man instead of searching or wishing for more because unfortunately, sometimes "more" means a "package deal" mixed with unsavory personality and character defects which is far worse IMHO. A man who doesn't give you trouble is enduring and in it for the long haul. Exciting danger or men with red flags will give you undue stress, an ulcer and migraine headaches. Be careful what you wish for because the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

 

I'll give you an example. My sister's first boring but good husband lasted all of 9 months. Then she married husband #2, "Mr. Ga-ga Blue Eyes." Yes, husband #2 is handsome yet he's a 'Class A Jerk.' He disrespects people, humiliates them publicly and socially, will downgrade you to your face in front of everyone, very controlling, paws my sister as if she is his property and very unkind to all. Don't let his good looks and cool demeanor fool you. The guy is some piece of work. He's a loose cannon. She fixated on initial excitement, charm and false attraction and look where that got her? Now after 3 kids in an affluent neighborhood as a SAHM, she's hosed. I on the other hand, chose a man very wisely. My husband treats everyone with respect, my husband gave me a harmoniously stable life, we don't reside in a $1.5 mil house yet who is the richer wife now?