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Meeting with my ex


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Sorry have only skim read all the comments. Look I don't actually think that she was innocent in all of this. OP said that she had deleted all the messages from that guy she was chatting to on Facebook. When someone deletes messages, that means there was something dodgy in the messages that they don't want their partner to see. So very likely while she said that guy was just a "friend", if they didn't say anything untoward to each other, she would have no need to delete these messages. Also yes I agree OP, a relationship is about trust. So for example I still talk to a couple of my ex's. Well one of them I barely speak to but the other one is an ex FWB who is still my friend and actually part of my friendship group. So previously when I was with my ex-partner, I said to him straight away as we started dating: "I wanted to tell you that I still occasionally speak to my ex and ex FWB. Nothing is going on there at all but I just wanted you to know. How do you feel about it?" And my ex said he felt fine. But point is I was very honest and upfront and never lied about it or anything. Lying is wrong.

 

Have you thought that maybe you and your ex are just not right for each other? You tried living together and things just didn't gel. Not everyone we love and try to be with is actually a good match or "t he one". It does happen that couples start living together and realise it's not actually working. If you don't get on living together then obviously it can't be a long term thing.

 

Also I think you were right to feel that anxiety because she was talking to her ex's and she deleted messages from that guy and all that. I would as well.

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not forced - she told me they had history after a few days had passed. So my issue again is why lie? Whats the need to lie. Its the very basic that ok situations can seem daunting, fear of a reaction can play a part - but ultimately being honest shows what type of character a person is and whether they can be trusted.

 

In the beginning before we even started a relationship - the stage when people talk about their 'boundaries' I said I look for honesty and integrity. That My feelings are exs are just that.

Its not my expectation but quite frankly I find once you had crossed that boundary where as by being intimate - it takes it to a whole new level. How can two people every go back to just 'friends'

Just my opinion and Im sure is not shared by others

 

I’m unsure as to when she supposedly lied??

 

What exactly was her answer when you asked who she was messaging?

 

Did she say a friend who she definitely had no sexual encounter with? Or did she say a friend?

 

I don’t think not disclosing every past personal detail about ones life to another is lying.

 

You have said that in the beginning you discussed with her honesty was important as was communication.

But you have not openly and honestly communicated with her?

 

I don’t get it? Boundaries are two way.

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As it was mentioned yesterday wouldn’t of been a good day to meet due to being exhausted....how right you were. By 21:30 last night I was shattered so in many ways I’m relieved she postponed meeting.

 

It seems to be a point about whether I was right to ask who the guy was, and whether I had a right. This comes down to dynamics of a relationship. Just because it doesn’t seem just to some of you doesn’t mean in anyway I’m wrong for asking.

They always say don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers.

My question is a very simple non-invasive question back then...asking who a guy is she is talking to is no way over stepping the mark. If at this point we had been introduced to people in each others lives - know friends and family. If a random person pops up who has never been seen before of course a question will be asked.

Maybe you think I ‘interrogated’ her?!? But that is certainly not what I did. I don’t want to know ‘intimate’ details of her past.

I simple just was curious who this guy was she suddenly started talking with! No harm in that.

But that’s where this issue was born from and what I have written about. That her response to this was to lie about who these guys were. It rocked my trust as questions go through your head!

 

I was never spying on her. I never asked for in-depth details on what did she do with these guys.

 

My whole issue was the fact if it’s innocent why feel the need to lie? I showed I had no issues with her talking to an ex.

No one deserves to be lied to. And when you lie about something which is made out to be unimportant it will of course stretch the trust. How could it not?

 

I get people have difference of opinions. And trying to give every detail on a forum spanning a relationship that’s over a year is near impossible.

 

Would I want to reconcile? The feelings I have I would. But I know so much has to be spoken about with her. I’ve realised through some of your replies our boundaries are different and if we can’t agree then there is no hope.

Communication is key. Understanding that it may not lead anywhere I’ve accepted.

 

But i do want to see her. We have things we need to discuss and ultimately I will need to give all her stuff back to her anyhow if this does come to a close.

 

I have been thinking why did I stick around when clearly my views on lying mean red flags.

I guess I thought she was sincere when she apologised, said they were mistakes and she understands it would take time for me to trust her again but she was willing to work through it.

 

If people turned their backs on their partners as soon as something happened then everyone would be single. Sometimes things do happen and of course it’s worth fighting for - or at least seeing if things can be resolved. If times been invested then my opinion is depending on what the fall out is over is the deciding factor ( obviously cheating is a no no ) again that’s my personal opinion. And that will differ from one person to the next

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Unfortunately that is what happened here. She was vague, private about men she communicates with and you shut her out totally in a punitive way to make your point about 'trust'. You shut her out emotionally and she left physically, so it all works out.

 

She needs someone who is more indifferent to opposite sex friends, contact with distant exes, etc and you need someone who toes the line very tightly, hopefully providing every detail of their past and never communicating with the opposite sex. Basically you were very incompatible.

If people turned their backs on their partners as soon as something happened then everyone would be single.
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Still evading the question?!!

 

What did she lie about?!!

 

I don’t care at this point whether it was right or wrong of you to ask her who she was speaking to?

 

You have yet to say what her response was?

And if it was actually a lie or not???

 

You hold communication and honesty highly in a relationship, yet so far have given no evidence that you actively did that.

And can’t honestky and openly communicate with us here??

 

Be honest with us? Did she lie? Because so far it sounds like she didn’t even coming from your biased point ?

 

Did she apologise? Yes!!! But I don’t think she had anything to apologise for? She was it seems manipulated into doing so?

 

Unless you can explain in detail how she lied????

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If people turned their backs on their partners as soon as something happened then everyone would be single. Sometimes things do happen and of course it’s worth fighting for - or at least seeing if things can be resolved. If times been invested then my opinion is depending on what the fall out is over is the deciding factor ( obviously cheating is a no no ) again that’s my personal opinion. And that will differ from one person to the next

 

there is nothing wrong with wanting to work things out... your personal opinion is the only one that matters here.

 

I always find it interesting, when people get to this point in their thread.... And it highlights to me why you are confused... what you know you need to do and what you want to do are conflicted.

 

I hope she wants to work out, too... I just think you're a little more invested than she is. So watch yourself there. As I said b4, you gotta be true to yourself...

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Lambert. I couldn’t agree more.

 

I guess like others - people us use these threads in the hope someone has gone through similar or gain a wider perspective.

 

It’s clear the difference of opinions and also the ‘jackassE$’ on here.

 

We met up last night. We spoke a lot. We’re going to continue to talk and communicate going forward. Theres No expectations. No pressure. we both want to move forward And have things we both need to work through - and it seems we both want to work through. By no means is this an easy road but it never is. Hell sometimes life can throw up unexpected problems but it’s how you resolve them that can determine the outcone

 

Appreciate the words and advice from people. Have taken aspects onboard and quite frankly ignored others

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monkey,

 

It is very hard to just walk away without giving it one more huge effort to save the relationship but unless there is brutal honesty and the willingness to accept some hard truths there is little chance of long term survival of the relationship.

 

I am glad you two spoke and have agreed to continue to work towards a more healthy relationship. Times like this can even strengthen a relationship well beyond what it ever was in the past. If you both put all your cards out on the table and freely admit why you feel the way you do then there is a very good chance at a happy outcome. But if she cannot admit why she needs to stay in contact with these men and if you cannot admit why it causes you to act the way you do what hope is there?

 

People staying in contact with someone that has abused them in the past has always puzzled me but I know there are real reasons they do. It may not be healthy reasons but they have reasons just the same and they may not even know why.

 

As you know years of trust can be ruined in a split second and then it can take years to rebuild. Are you a fool for believing her once again? It is your life and your choice to trust her at her word so who are we to say to not try? If there is little downside and a big upside then why not? Just be careful and not fall into the same traps.

 

Do you know what you will say if she tells you she will always stay in contact with men she has been intimate with? (Rhetorical)

 

 

I do hope it works out and you have more good news to post.

 

Lost

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Lambert. I couldn’t agree more.

 

I guess like others - people us use these threads in the hope someone has gone through similar or gain a wider perspective.

 

It’s clear the difference of opinions and also the ‘jackassE$’ on here.

 

We met up last night. We spoke a lot. We’re going to continue to talk and communicate going forward. Theres No expectations. No pressure. we both want to move forward And have things we both need to work through - and it seems we both want to work through. By no means is this an easy road but it never is. Hell sometimes life can throw up unexpected problems but it’s how you resolve them that can determine the outcone

 

Appreciate the words and advice from people. Have taken aspects onboard and quite frankly ignored others

 

Right. And I think a lot of posters want someone to have had a similar situation that ended in happily ever after.

 

What does no expectations mean?

 

that is dangerous when combined with we both want to move forward.

 

In what way? Together? Separately? As co-dependants until one of you meets someone else and basically crushes the other's expectations?

 

That's a slippery slope you're headed towards friend. Buyer beware [emoji4]

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Lambert. I couldn’t agree more.

 

I guess like others - people us use these threads in the hope someone has gone through similar or gain a wider perspective.

 

It’s clear the difference of opinions and also the ‘jackassE$’ on here.

 

We met up last night. We spoke a lot. We’re going to continue to talk and communicate going forward. Theres No expectations. No pressure. we both want to move forward And have things we both need to work through - and it seems we both want to work through. By no means is this an easy road but it never is. Hell sometimes life can throw up unexpected problems but it’s how you resolve them that can determine the outcone

 

Appreciate the words and advice from people. Have taken aspects onboard and quite frankly ignored others

 

This sounds like a lot of psychobabble to evade really making a plan to move forward. When my husband and I got back together after dating seriously years in the past we both knew it would take work, that's obvious, we both knew there were risks, also obvious but we both knew we wanted to move forward. So it took a quick convo: him: do you want to get back together?" me (after a pause, after some tears, some concerns of course - "yes!". Then it took a couple of minutes to clarify that we wanted to be exclusive and see if we should get married this time around. Of course there should be expectations if you truly wish to move forward -not vague references to stuff to work through. What stuff exactly -and how is he going to do the work -what work?

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You have both agreed to communicate going forward but the first chance to there was no communication only an agreement of no expectation.

 

Everyone has expectations.

Stating they have none is just avoiding verbalising them.

 

As someone else said that’s a slippery slope.

 

Good luck!

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We met up last night. We spoke a lot. We’re going to continue to talk and communicate going forward. Theres No expectations. No pressure. we both want to move forward

 

Good that you've had a sensible chat.

 

I'm very confused with what you've agreed though! - are you still in a relationship? Or not?

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