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Meeting with my ex


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Well we have been together for just over a year ( me male 33 ) ( ex she is 30 )

Met through our CrossFit class. Feel for eachother. Started dating. Got on amazingly well.

Things were going really well until I found out she lied about being in contact with an ex.

WasnÂ’t so much the fact she was talking to this ex as she had already told me from the beginning she would talk and work for a different long term ex.

My issue was being lied too.

 

Anyhow cut a long story short. IÂ’ve struggled with trust ever since. When it happened she said it was a mistake etc and to try again.

Fast forward to Christmas. Sat next to her one evening there were messages from a guy on Facebook ..I asked who it was as sheÂ’d never mentioned him before.

Turns out it was an old friend. She bumped into him at uni.

Trust issues flared up a little as I explained she would talk in depth about her life and the people in it yet left this guy totally out of the talking.

 

Go forward a few days she admitted to me she actually had a sexual encounter with this guy years ago. She doesnÂ’t know why she lied about it and there was nothing there or going on. Even though all the messages had been deleted.

Caused us more issues obviously.

 

She again said she was sorry. It was nothing. She was scared of telling me the truth. It must stem from childhood issues with her parents and a quite abusive ex ( the ex she used to work for and remain in contact ) but thatÂ’s a different story.

 

 

Now onto me. I struggled with the trust since the first issue. I became distant. Almost stuck in a rut. I question did I truly love her.

I stopped showing affection. Became anxious. Snappy. Irritable. We lost the spark...there was no fun anymore in us.

 

We went into lockdown together as she lived with me at the time. The pattern continued where we would fall out. I would Criticise her for little things. Though to me having to constantly ask to take dirty dishes out or put some washing home whilst she was at home and I was a work used to bug me.

 

Anyhow we fell out one evening last week. We kinda said we hadnÂ’t been happy. Probably werenÂ’t suited ( emotion were high. Being stuck in lockdown )

Clearly our communication has been non existent. I can admit that IÂ’ve failed to talk about how IÂ’m truly feeling.

Got to the point she left and head home.

Tried contacting her that evening but to no success.

Next day tried ringing, texting emailing and nothing. Finally got a response that emotions are high. ThereÂ’s pressure on us. We both arenÂ’t happy at the moment. She thinks we need space/time to reflex.

 

I accepted this and said ok.

Monday I receive a text asking if I want to meet to talk in a couple of days.

I said yes and we arranged for this evening.

 

Since then thereÂ’s been no normal messaging. ItÂ’s literally just been to arrange the meet/time etc

 

I did send the last message yesterday evening and ended it with ‘ how are you doing ‘ to which I haven’t received a single reply.

SheÂ’s on lockdown. I know she uses her phone throughout the day.

 

 

IÂ’m guess IÂ’m on here as IÂ’m worried. I havenÂ’t been sleeping properly ( two hours last night )

IÂ’m meeting her tonight ( hopefully )

We have feel out before but quickly resolved things in the past the day after.

ItÂ’s been 5 days. HavenÂ’t seen her. Spoke to her.

I have all her belongings at mine including bank cards, push bike etc

 

I wonder if this talk is her walking away for good? But if so why drag it out? Why not tell me on Monday that we needed to meet and talk then and not in a couple of days?

 

IÂ’ve suggested we go for a walk tonight ( exercise on lockdown )

Nothings been mentioned about her stuff.

 

I guess IÂ’m scared. The space has given me time to reflex. ItÂ’s been a god send. ItÂ’s made me realise I need counselling. I can get very snappy and impatient. I gather I have underlying problems rooted somewhere that I need to address.

ItÂ’s opened my eyes to how my I love her. That I have regrets and IÂ’ve made mistakes ( being human )

I just hope itÂ’s not over. IÂ’m not going to beg. IÂ’m calm at the moment although exhausted. ItÂ’s affecting me not knowing whatÂ’s going on.

 

I want to listen to her and for her to listen to me. I get our communication is one of the areas that has let us down and itÂ’s both our faults.

I have things to work on as she does.

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This is more your issue than hers.

 

She chatted to someone who is not an ex but someone she had a sexual encounter years ago. So what???

 

You are blaming her for your trust issues.

That’s unfair.

 

Couples need to maturely discuss boundaries, clearly you haven’t , but punish the other for not respecting boundaries that were in YOUR head but never vocalised????

 

This is entirely your issue. What are you going to do?

 

I suggest apologise for your expectations from another without vocalising them, and then vocalise them and see if she is on the same board as you?

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Perhaps I explained it wrong. It wasn’t the fact she ‘spoke’ to someone with who she had history with.

 

It was the fact of lying to me about who they actually were. When infront of my eyes I see messages from a guy of course I’m going to ask who is it. To be told a story which turns out to be untrue surely will cause anyone to doubt things. I couldn’t care less if she was honest about it. All I ever asked was to tell me the truth about things. It goes further with me that lying. I knew from the beginning she was talking to an old ex who was a friend - so on this she was honest from the beginning and I had no concerns.

 

My morals are based on trust and integrity. So yes I started to doubt the trust as she lied about who these people were. And to me if things are innocent why lie?

 

I’ve said it gave me trust issues...I can admit that. But I think anyone who wasn’t told the truth would be the same

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Why “of course” would you be asking her about a guy that she is messaging knowing you are looking over her shoulder??!

 

 

She clearly was not hiding anything , you asked her accusingly who she was messaging. That was your mistrust!!!

She said a friend I’m guessing , which was true. She had a sexual encounter years ago. So what? I’m guessing she only admitted that because you kept probing??

 

Give the girl a break!!!!

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Wow feeling the hate here.

 

Again you assume so much rubbish. Probing? What the fact up to that point we were comfortable sat next to eachother openly using our phones? At times she would be cuddling up next to me whilst I would message friends.

 

And it’s asked more in ‘ ah whose that your talking to ‘

 

Clearly all you’re hung up on is hating on me as I’ve explained a situation that’s made me question trust.

I’ve stated nothing to do with talking to an ex. It’s about being lied to.

Lies are lies my friend. Regardless of what they are.

 

Fact of this whole post was for some advice as we are meeting up tonight and I’m confused!

 

Your post are about as helpful as a chocolate teapot.

 

So a kind request to not reply anymore would be appreciated. Thank you

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I wouldn't meet her tonight. I think you need to really take your time, to reflect and to think and then talk to her when you've got a clear head and you're in a calmer, less exhausted state.

 

I would say that, from the manner in which you responded to the previous poster (much as you didn't share their opinions), you're definitely not in a calm state of mind at the moment.

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No to some extent a type of anxiety has appeared which is throwing me off. It’s the uncertainty I’m not dealing well with.

 

The air hasn’t been cleared so to speak. Leaving things on a sour note is not great.

 

What is a calm state of mind though? Emotions will be high. I’m feeling like most do in this situation like my boat has capsized.

When I talk about confusion just in regards to what’s going on in her head ( which only she knows )

 

I appreciate your words. Exhausted state yes. Sadly I’m one of the ones who still need to work currently and times are manic.

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I think you know yourself when you're in a calmer state of mind. You've said it yourself that you're exhausted and you've had 2 hours sleep. That's obviously no state in which to have big conversations about the future of a relationship.

 

Also, if you give it a few days, that'll give you more time to receive further feedback from others on here re the problems that you've been having in your relationship before you speak with her.

 

One question here - when there's a dispute in your relationship, are you able to handle things calmly? I.e. without getting angry and confrontational?

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Not always no. And it’s one of the issues I’m going to address once I’ve been referred to a councillor. I’m not the best at talking about my feelings when things become difficult. Though I realise this and want to make an effort in changing this.

 

No it might not be ideal that I’m feeling tired though I’ve been wanting to speak to her since this all happened. I’m not going into this to argue. Just listen. Communicate. All the things we have failed over the last month

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Sorry to hear this. It must be have been hell being stuck in lock down with all this tension and conflict. It's good she left to reflect and regroup. Space. Give this space so you don't make each other crazy. Arrange a time when she can collect her things.

We went into lockdown together as she lived with me at the time. I would Criticise her for little things.

Got to the point she left and head home.She thinks we need space/time to reflex.

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It's up to you at the end of the day. But I would wait without a doubt if I wanted the best for the relationship.

 

Something I do find interesting is that you seem good at acknowledging your issues but then not able to avoid displaying them. E.g. in your first post, you said 'I can get very snappy and impatient'. But then, having acknowledged these things, you then immediately got snappy in your response to the first poster, and now you're being impatient in wanting to resolve things with your girlfriend ASAP rather than taking your time.

 

Tbh if you said to her that you needed a couple more days to think things over before chatting, then this in itself would display a bit of patience and calmness which, if you sometimes haven't been like that in arguments, might come as a really pleasant surprise to her. As I said though, up to you, those are just my thoughts.

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She doesn't share your relationship boundaries and is okay with risking your relationship by getting her ego boosted by communicating with exes. She knows this isn't a dealbreaker for you, since you've stuck around for both instances, and it's her that left and you still want her back. So why should she stop?

 

You'll be far happier with a woman who shares your relationship boundaries. When a relationship is more upsetting than satisfying, it means it's the wrong relationship for you. If it were me, I'd tell her to collect her belongings and then go no contact so you can heal and move on.

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I think reflecting since this happened IÂ’ve taken a hard look at myself. IÂ’ve sat with my feelings and instead of ignoring them IÂ’ve tried to understand why things happened and what part I played.

 

Ok in this short time I have realised my short comings. IÂ’m human. I make mistakes. I want to learn from them. To grow. No one is perfect. Not me. Nor her.

 

Being able to sit back away from the current situation IÂ’ve realised our communication broke down a while ago. And if itÂ’s a matter of just opening up with one another. Actually listening and responding. Then if thatÂ’s what it takes to potentially mend something that was once amazing then itÂ’s worth it.

 

Yes itÂ’s obvious our boundaries differ slightly. Since all this happened and sheÂ’s realised she did rock the trust emotion. She has blocked the exÂ’s in question. She wanted to do things to prove to me she could be trusted.

She even went to a councillor herself as she doesnÂ’t know whether her lying in linked to her childhood?

 

Either way yes both times I decided to carry on with the relationship. I didnÂ’t realise just how it had affected me and I should of been more open and honest. But I closed off. I shut down. I seemed to switch off my feelings for her.

Is this a coping mechanism? Is this how I deal with difficulties in relationships?

 

All these questions can only be answered by a professional hence why IÂ’m seeking help.

 

I donÂ’t want to contiue like this. Whether I have a shot with this girl or not. I canÂ’t contiue to sabotage relationships with the people around me. I need to learn from this regardless of what happens tonight.

 

But - I do love this girl. Some might say how can you if you switch off? I donÂ’t know...I know my feelings and as soon as weÂ’re in this period of space reflecting I truly miss her. I see the errors weÂ’ve made and how to move forward past them.

I know it will need effort from us both and if she isnÂ’t invested then itÂ’s pointless.

 

We both used to be so caring to one another. And just how things are currently is causing the state of confusion. Hardly hearing from her is odd. I lived with this girl for almost a year speaking daily.

Now I struggle to get a few texts from her each day. Granted she wanted space. SheÂ’s clearly feeling pressure so perhaps thatÂ’s why sheÂ’s not as chatty.

She asked to meet to talk. IÂ’ve wanted to meet to talk. Since this blew up on Friday IÂ’ve calmed down. I donÂ’t have the answers or know the outcome of tonight.

IÂ’m prepared that it might not go down the path of reconciliation but thatÂ’s out of my control. All I can do is communicate with her.

Show her IÂ’ve made mistakes. IÂ’m trying to address aspects of my behaviour that contributed to this breakdown of our relationship and if thatÂ’s not enough for her then so be it.

Least then I will have closesure that she canÂ’t look past things. And I will have to start on the road to recovery albeit without her

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I don't think you and she share the same ideals about communications with someone with whom you've been intimate prior to getting together. Plus, even if some here think it petty to be so dramatic about it, being lied to about the person(s) is a defense mechanism that is not a good tool in her arsenal.

 

You perceive that she will use it over and over.

 

And you know you will tire of being her judge and jury.

 

Don't you think you would like someone who doesn't lie to you? Wouldn't she be more comfortable with someone who lets her flirt with past boyfriends?

 

I can't tell you what to do, but i would not continue this relationship if I were you.

 

You have different values.

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You've definitely identified things you don't like in the relationship and in yourself.

 

And while you may need therapy, to help you control your temper or to become a better communicator, I'm not sure how that adresses the incompatibilities in the relationship.

 

One of the most important aspects of compatibility is whether you share the same view of what a lie is, what integrity is.

 

Whether she lied or you're being too nitpicky, is up to each person to decide for themselves. And for a harmonious relationship to exist you both must agree...

 

In some ways, I could see messaging the opposite sex as a sign/risk of an emotional affair or holding onto past guys as back ups.

 

But that is more of a repeated thing that has a pattern.... Keeping in mind everyone gets a random hi from someone from the past on facebook and that's it.

 

Before you meet her figure out what your boundaries are and then stay true to them/yourself. Also observe how she handles this. Is she just ending it? Is she willing to compromise and work on things together?

 

You are panicking that you realize, now that you might lose her, that you do love her. Only you know for sure. but that also sounds like, now youre going to squash your own needs for her needs. Which is a slippery slope, my friend.

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Hopefully you will gain a better perspective on it with your therapy. IMO...just mine, you have always been insecure to the point that you constantly quiz your SO. This has an effect on them too. You don't trust them at all and you keep looking for things to catch them on. The reaction to this is avoidance because of your negative feelings towards it. Even if she told you the truth, you would most likely give her the gears.

 

Her past, whomever she had sex with, how it happened, how many times... is really no one's business not even yours.

 

This is something I have leaned...it's better to not bother with it, because the past is where it is in the past...long before you, and has nothing to do with you.

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She doesn't share your relationship boundaries and is okay with risking your relationship by getting her ego boosted by communicating with exes. She knows this isn't a deal breaker for you, since you've stuck around for both instances, and it's her that left and you still want her back. So why should she stop?

 

You'll be far happier with a woman who shares your relationship boundaries. When a relationship is more upsetting than satisfying, it means it's the wrong relationship for you. If it were me, I'd tell her to collect her belongings and then go no contact so you can heal and move on.

 

This is exactly on point.

 

She stays in contact with guys that have abused her which says to me that she still needs something from them. Only she can say what that is if she even knows. She has lied several times to you about male "friends" that later turn out to be ex lovers.

 

Remember this as you go through this. People lie to cover up things they are not proud of, lie because they are trying to impress someone or lie because their whole life is fiction. She knew what she was doing was not good for the relationship yet she continued and when caught she lied.

 

The most important thing should be the relationship and it doesn't sound like either of you put it first. She was chatting with ex lovers and you were acting poorly instead of facing the issues and feelings you were feeling.

 

I agree you have different views on boundaries in a relationship and unless new boundaries you both can live with are found it is time to end this.

 

There is the ever lasting debate of if people should be friends with ex's and stay in touch while they are in a relationship or married. I have yet to see it be beneficial to a relationship in the long run. More times than not one person is eating their feelings to keep the peace. It appears you do not like her staying in contact with guys she has had sex with (normal feeling) but you pretend it is okay as long as she doesn't hide it and lie about it while she knows you do not like it so she hides it and lies to you about it.

 

At the end of the day now that the break is here you are second guessing your feelings and choices. Perfectly normal but you need to figure out where those feelings came from and be brutally honest with yourself on what you will and will not accept in your life and any relationship you are in. She needs to do the same.

 

Take this time to think all this through so when you do talk you can be honest, not just honest with her but honest with yourself. If you don't like what she is doing then don't let the fear of losing her keep you from expressing it so she understands. Sometimes it just doesn't work out but it is better to figure yourself out before you try and figure out what went wrong with the relationship.

 

Lost

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Sorry about all this.

 

I'm curious about a few things. How long were you guys together before moving in? You said you've been together for just over a year, which happens to be when you were on here last (1.13) writing about another ex. Can't help but wonder: think you maybe brought some anxiety and unresolved feelings about that situation into this one? Is there any chance that you assigned some lofty meaning to this union early—i.e. that it was going to "work" where the other didn't, be "good" where the other was "bad"? Related: Is there a chance that, in her, you chose someone "similar" to your previous ex, in the sense that she triggered some familiar concerns—and, with that, a challenge to see if you could remedy them with someone new but cut from a similar cloth?

 

In other words, if you were thinking a lot about a prior romance during the early days you may have been prone to wonder if she was doing the same, a kind of preexisting fear. You also may have been prone to "forgive" certain tendencies and boundaries that, deep down, don't work for you. Sometimes, without realizing it, we want a new relationship to "erase" a past dynamic—to resolve those issues for us—which can be pretty pressurized. When anything comes up to challenge that story—a Facebook message, say, or learning that someone has texted a former fling—it can scratch the record in a way that is maybe more extreme than the specifics warrant.

 

As for the specifics here? I'm of mixed minds, and can go into that in another post. Ultimately, I think what's most important in a relationship is to be with someone you can be open to and curious about, not weary and suspicious of. What's required for that will be different for everyone, but it comes down to being as comfortable with all you don't know, and maybe can't ever know, as what you do know.

 

I'd give that some real reflection right now, as it seems to be an area of turbulence here. We can highlight your shortcomings here, and hers, but at the end of the day I suspect you want to be comfortable alongside someone who feels the same about you. If that feels more like trying to climb Everest than cruising down the highway—well, that's where you get into some basic compatibility stuff.

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Well she cancelled on tonight due to not feeling very well. she suggested we meet tomorrow or friday.... a little disappointed but it is what it is. Gives me a little longer to gather my thoughts

 

I understand what people have mentioned about boundaries. I guess I haven't looked at it from this perspective before. I do remember in the early stages we spoke about what makes a good relationship i.e. good open communication and honesty. I also stressed about honesty to her as once trust is gone is so difficult to build it back.

anyhow a little off subject there.

 

I can't really add much as we haven't met - Im due in work again tomorrow so just hoping my brain switches off tonight. I appreciate your words and will reply when I have more time to put some thought into my replies

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Ok then do not try to reconcile. You don't need to look over your shoulder and she doesn't want things held over her head. Once a police state exits the relationship is as over as when trust is out the window. Focus on getting her things out, not coffee chitchat about trust.

I also stressed about honesty to her as once trust is gone is so difficult to build it back.
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I'm just wondering under what circumstance was she forced to disclose that she was once intimate with a now friend on FB?

No judgment here, but is it your expectation that she not communicate with anyone she was ever intimate with?

And if she's communicating with a man friend, does she needs to tell you about their past together?

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not forced - she told me they had history after a few days had passed. So my issue again is why lie? Whats the need to lie. Its the very basic that ok situations can seem daunting, fear of a reaction can play a part - but ultimately being honest shows what type of character a person is and whether they can be trusted.

 

In the beginning before we even started a relationship - the stage when people talk about their 'boundaries' I said I look for honesty and integrity. That My feelings are exs are just that.

Its not my expectation but quite frankly I find once you had crossed that boundary where as by being intimate - it takes it to a whole new level. How can two people every go back to just 'friends'

Just my opinion and Im sure is not shared by others

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Well she cancelled on tonight due to not feeling very well. she suggested we meet tomorrow or friday.... a little disappointed but it is what it is. Gives me a little longer to gather my thoughts

 

I understand what people have mentioned about boundaries. I guess I haven't looked at it from this perspective before. I do remember in the early stages we spoke about what makes a good relationship i.e. good open communication and honesty. I also stressed about honesty to her as once trust is gone is so difficult to build it back.

anyhow a little off subject there.

 

I can't really add much as we haven't met - Im due in work again tomorrow so just hoping my brain switches off tonight. I appreciate your words and will reply when I have more time to put some thought into my replies

Idk if this is me being petty or what, but do you believe her?

 

I'd probably be done with this person.

 

If my relationship were on the rocks and I wanted to reconcile, I wouldn't cancel. Considering the pandemic, maybe she is being cautious BUT then you guys could talk on the phone.

 

Maybe neither of you are really all that into each other anymore.

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Ok this is a good reason to end things. Unfortunately even without this ex and lying the relationship wasn't working. Be glad she left and does not want to 'talk'. Focus on yourself, being happy again and tying up lose ends, getting her stuff out etc.

I struggled with the trust since the first issue. I became distant. Almost stuck in a rut. I question did I truly love her.I stopped showing affection. Became anxious. Snappy. Irritable. We lost the spark...there was no fun anymore in us.
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not forced - she told me they had history after a few days had passed. So my issue again is why lie? Whats the need to lie. Its the very basic that ok situations can seem daunting, fear of a reaction can play a part - but ultimately being honest shows what type of character a person is and whether they can be trusted.

 

In the beginning before we even started a relationship - the stage when people talk about their 'boundaries' I said I look for honesty and integrity. That My feelings are exs are just that.

Its not my expectation but quite frankly I find once you had crossed that boundary where as by being intimate - it takes it to a whole new level. How can two people every go back to just 'friends'

Just my opinion and Im sure is not shared by others

 

Do you think she feels safe giving you the answers to the type of questions you are asking?

 

I don't condone lying. No one is telling you you should. But just reading this would make me apprehensive answering your questions.

 

That and my (and my bf's) past personal relationships aren't a topic of discussion. Not to this degree. I wouldn't want to be asked with whom I slept with previously.

 

Lying about it or telling you the truth was a no win situation for her.

 

Just something to think about.

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