Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I just needed to post to get this off my chest

 

im a fool.

 

im 39, and had a few relationships but never felt how I did with my gf of 5 years

 

i say 5 years but the longest we ever did together without her dumping me was max 10 months... she would break off by going silent.. or waiting for an argument and then say we just don’t get on/we run our course... various things - I would be devastated for 3/4 months soul searching see therapists and then she would come back tell me how she made such a mistake, and reel me in again and again

 

i know I am a fool for letting her do this to me but I just can’t stop myself, I’ve never had feelings like this for someone - and I know I am crazy... yet,

 

...guys, if i told you some of the things she has done to me over the 5 years you would say I needed real help as I am not normal to take her back each time

 

some examples are leaving me on holiday when I was ill

 

taking drugs (even at my parents house - can’t prove it but I know the signs and I know my gut)

 

guys messaging her

 

Would go out with friends and not sign into WhatsApp until the next day - not even message to say she got home ok

 

wasn’t there for me when i needed her/couldn’t count on her

 

 

 

there’s a lot more and I’m embarrassed to even say them but you get my point.

 

The day after valentines this year I never see her again. I just can’t focus even now I’m tired of going through this every year and bringing my parents and friends down with my low moods. I just wish I could switch it all off.

 

before valentines day I was being told how much she loves me, we were planning things - I had a new job in another country and she was the one pushing for us to go and have this fresh start and I promise you this is no exaggeration- it just changed over night - we don’t work, we just argue - She told me she can’t force feelings for me or force wanting to sleep with me... I was devastated and a lot felt just excuses for me to take the hint and give up fighting

 

the last time we got back together she pleaded and begged me and I made her work for it - it seemed to me as soon as I gave in after 4 months she had got what she wanted and then decided actually this isn’t what I want.

 

im doing all the right things working out keeping busy even talking to other women but I just can’t shake this off

 

inknow how long it took me to find someone to have strong feelings for and I just don’t think I will ever feel that with anyone else I’m 39.... I’ve had that feeling once now in 39 years. My head feels like it will explode

 

i must have listened to every coach or podcast on the net now

 

i am sure she has someone else and that’s all that is going through my head

 

i just can’t shake this off or feel better

 

 

 

sorry for the long post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dont put this all on her.

 

Theres enough written at this point to see how very much of a player in all this you are.

 

Look at your other response:

 

guys thank you for your replies, it really means a lot that there are people out there helping each other.

 

i am not going back now... maybe i would have wobbled but the fact she went with someone else - despite lying to me when i asked her before i started NC... theres just no going back from that

 

its obvious to me he used her to get his leg over - she dropped me for him and i guess once he got what he wanted, he bolted... now she wants to worm her way back in to my life... what kind of person does that?!!!

 

she gambled and it didnt pay off. thats tough luck (feel slightly smug)

 

The highs the lows, the back and forth of who has the power, this is your jam, for the last 5 years, this has been your choice all along. You werent shocked when she came back and you wont be shocked when she comes back again, feeling as if you would is all part of it, again the highs and lows, all very predictable and if you were healthy you wouldnt have stayed on the merry go round for 5 years so its time to start recognizing your role and maybe its time to see someone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, it sounds like you're addicted to drama and to a woman who is like this. You know, like those people who 'get off' on pain, masochists?

That's you, only with this type of suffering.

 

You keep asking for it, and you keep getting it.

 

It's not even her fault at this point. You're the one who keeps running back to get kicked in the knackers and she willing obliges.

Honestly, I think you need some type of therapy to find out why it is you want this so much.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Only you can change this.

 

I was like you for years, even married this man, I was his yoyo, now he feels me now he doesn't. I was dumped more than I can count my fingers and toes combined. Then I kept taking him back, thinking this time it will be different. IT WAS NOT. It never did. And like what everyone says here, you are the driver of your life. If you put up with it, it tells the other person it is ok. No, it is not ok. And like you, I was ashamed to enumerate the horrible things I went through, even to my closest friends.

 

I woke up one day and was simply tired of it. By that time, I was not the best person in the world anymore, it affected my job and family relationships. I was horrible. My unhappiness was apparent in whatever I try to do. In the end, I was the one who asked that we separate, which totally shocked him, and today I must say, I am relieved and I do not miss the misery. I am doing great being single right now, even sporadic dates which made me discover there are people out there who will respect, love, grow and discover life with me.

 

What do you want in your life? Do you want stability, longevity, security or an endless pursuit to convince someone you are the better choice? At some point in a 5 year relationship, you should be talking about other things now like perhaps travel plans, future plans, children...anything that is outside just the two of you. Trust me, do not waste your precious time like I did. I went through a lot to forgive myself that I did that. I got past it, did a lot of self help to go through the initial impact of completely walking away. Let that fear of the unknown be your challenge.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, please learn the different between obsession/addiction versus love. What you have with this woman, is nowhere near love.

 

It's comparable to someone addicted to heavy duty drugs.

You withdraw and desperately want it. You think it's the best thing in the entire world, no one can tell you any different. You just need one more time...just one. You convince yourself that it's a good thing or if it isn't, you won't go run back again, but you still run back.

Just like any drug addicted person, it's slowly destroying and killing you.

 

I know somewhere deep inside of you, you know this. But the addiction feels too strong. You convince yourself that it's got to mean strong feelings of some sort, that her behavior has got to point to the same kind of feelings you're feeling. You justify her horrid behavior, you dismiss what is too difficult to admit to. You keep telling yourself that it truly does mean love.

 

Although you are feeling the worst you ever have, you have zero self esteem, zero self confidence. Your mind doesn't even feel like your own anymore. You feel out of control, lost and very depressed.

 

OP, it's time to get help. Professional help. It is a type of addiction and you need to break free from it. But only a therapist can help you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Great advice being given here.

 

So, you're about to turn 40. Wonderful time. Right there with you, a few months on the other side of the 4-0. My feeling—and I'm probably slyly projecting some experience and personal stumbles here—is that some of us can get right to the doorstep of 40 while still holding onto habits from high school. Weird, frustrating—but, hey, is what it is. And this relationship? Well, it's kind of that, no?

 

What stood out to me was you prefacing all this with the words—spoken by so many, generally in states of protracted misery—that you've "never felt" about anyone the way you've felt about her. Fair enough. Your feelings are your feelings, and I'm not going to minimize them.

 

But let's take a moment to analyze what triggered all those never-before feelings. Whiplash, in a word. Not security, not stability, not respect, not trust, but an extended game of tug of war that no one really wins because everyone's arms got ripped out of their sockets long ago (maybe before the game even started). You felt great on a Saturday, dead on Monday, alive again come Wednesday. And so on. Since you were 34.

 

I think of all that as the illusion of deep feeling, like one of those inflatable baby pools doing a great ocean impersonation, at least until you dive to the bottom and realize you just fractured your neck. Analogy time: I went to a little town in Mexico once, along a beautiful beach, where I got very, very sick. Something about being deathly ill in a beautiful setting—it messed with me, stuck with me. I've traveled a lot, had some truly divine adventures, but that one? It stands out: an almost great trip, a trip that should have been great, perhaps a place I should try again, thoughts like that.

 

Being sick leaves a wild mark on our human spirits, in short. Even when it is just, you know, not being healthy.

 

You say you worry you'll never feel about her with another person? Well, if all goes well, that will be true. Because with another person? You will feel good, for real. You will feel better than this. You will feel healthy. That really, really doesn't have to be boring. It can be, in fact, whatever you want it to be. But it won't feel like sickness, because illness won't be the key ingredient to all those feelings.

 

That's not me saying you're sick, or, per your words, that you're a fool. You're young, living a life, lots ahead. This can be an extended reckoning of sorts, a banana peel you had to slip and slide on for a good bit to learn that actually eating bananas (healthy stuff) is better than breaking your spirit by slipping on them (unhealthy stuff).

 

But for it to be that? You have to decide to look in the mirror, and even past what you see in the reflection, and stop thinking of her as some magic demon witch capable of casting a spell on you like no other. She's just a person, like all of us, like you. Why do you want to be controlled my spells? Figure that out, and you'll be free.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for the replies it really helps

 

Yes it’s definitely like a drug! And right now I’m having to withdraw and I’m struggling

 

I get sucked back in because I like the feeling of being with her and believe things will change. It I guess maybe also a power thing... like now I’ve not spoke to her, she’s not reached out, and I won’t because I’m NC but if she did reach out I guess I wouldn’t have this feeling of loss or panic that she is now happy with someone else which is constantly constantly playing on repeat in my head

 

Everyone tells me she is bad news, and I know it deep down but with other women i just don’t feel the same or have them feelings

 

Even when we are together (after the first month of her being all loving towards me) she goes back to snapping at me or making me feel I could be just anyone - I think what am I doing here. Yet the moment she walks away I am a panicking mess

 

Maybe I need to see someone. When I did before though I didn’t really understand it. I would just talk about my situation but never get any answers or clues about what was going on in my head... just seemed a waste of my money maybe a bad experience I don’t know?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh please??? You claim to be NC

What do you actually think NC is??!

 

It’s removing all methods of contact? Not just refraining from contact while allowing another to???

 

Delete and block!

 

And in the meantime try and figure out why you are addicted to drama and relationships that just can’t work?

 

You are attracted to relationships that are doomed to fail from the get go.

 

Have you discussed with your therapist about the fact that you might just be a committment phobe?

 

You only entertain relationships that won’t work????

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am feeling you so much right now man. I'm sort of in a similar situation but I won't go into that. Look I think deep down you know, and have known all along, that this woman is bad and toxic. And everyone is telling you the same too. I don't think she actually loves you, because if you do love someone, you would never treat them like this. She just wants to use and manipulate you. She probably goes and dates other guys those months that you don't hear from her. And when she doesn't find any other guys, she just goes back to you. You are always only her Plan B. Isn't it time to end this really for good? Yeah you're 39 but people live until 80-90 now. You have probably at least another forty years left. That's a really long time. And you are a guy too so if you do want kids (not saying you do), you are not too old for that because you're a male. There are millions of people in this world and plenty more women that you can be with. The reason why you haven't been with them is because you've been wasting five years on this scum woman.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I am feeling you so much right now man. I'm sort of in a similar situation but I won't go into that. Look I think deep down you know, and have known all along, that this woman is bad and toxic. And everyone is telling you the same too. I don't think she actually loves you, because if you do love someone, you would never treat them like this. She just wants to use and manipulate you. She probably goes and dates other guys those months that you don't hear from her. And when she doesn't find any other guys, she just goes back to you. You are always only her Plan B. Isn't it time to end this really for good? Yeah you're 39 but people live until 80-90 now. You have probably at least another forty years left. That's a really long time. And you are a guy too so if you do want kids (not saying you do), you are not too old for that because you're a male. There are millions of people in this world and plenty more women that you can be with. The reason why you haven't been with them is because you've been wasting five years on this scum woman.

 

 

Thank you

Yes I agree with all of that. I just can’t snap out of it that’s the problem

Link to post
Share on other sites

Reflect on why it's on/off. Usually conflicted on/off situations are about good sex and poor compatibility. Or perhaps you both do drugs/have great sex. There seems to be some sort of crazy glue here.

 

When you find a good partner sexually and emotionally, you'll get yourself out of this rut. But you need to get that ball rolling by cutting her out of your life first.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I get sucked back in because I like the feeling of being with her and believe things will change. It I guess maybe also a power thing...

 

Maybe you just don't want to really be in a relationship, at least not yet. Just an idea in my head here, but when the best thing about someone—the hook—is that they will change, or things will change, I think a lot of the drug is control and power, more than connection. Equation goes roughly like: if someone will change for you it means you possess power over someone else and, as such, the ability to control destiny.

 

Of course, the irony is that you end up feeling powerless, out of control, but those feelings don't hold much weight it you see them more as the norm of humanity than the exception. Control, power: these are not real things, but illusions. Also, time has proven to you, over and over, that this approach doesn't actually work or add up to anything workable. But if "working" was the premium currency here, you'd have lost interest long ago, which makes me think the currency is more about ego: wanting to win, more or less.

 

So maybe look within a bit, get humble, and explore whether or not you've got some power trips and control stuff swirling around inside in the way you think of romance, of women. There is another mode here, all in all, a way to feel what you want to feel—vulnerable—without it being a game. Much scarier than all this, truth be told, because without the nervy sense that it all might implode (again, again...) you really have no choice but to sincerely surrender your emotions and be in something with someone who is equally in it.

 

That, I think, is what you really want. Maybe you've just needed 5 hard years hovering around at the edge of the dance floor to actually saunter into the middle. She's not the partner for that wild waltz, though, so being ready for it means being ready to let her go, for real, regardless of whatever overture is coming from her in the future. Because it'll come. That's a given.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I just know she’s toxic, horrible to me, doesn’t at all respect me so why am I down and missing her? Why and I think in god her with someone else and upset about it? How do I turn that off and snap out of it!! I feel so flat and well I don’t even feel any emotion. I feel very hazy and foggy if that makes sense

Link to post
Share on other sites
I just know she’s toxic, horrible to me, doesn’t at all respect me so why am I down and missing her? Why and I think in god her with someone else and upset about it? How do I turn that off and snap out of it!!

 

You don't snap out of it, but into it. You ride these waves, get washed around, but you do one thing differently: you don't make her the life raft. Do that and something empowering will happen. Eventually the waves subside and you realize, lo and behold, you didn't drown. You're still breathing. Not just that, but you're no longer wheezing.

 

Pocket theory: we all, us humans, have a little chamber of self-hatred inside of us. Bigger in some than others, and changes shape over time. But it's always there. And some people? They kind of have intuitive access to it—can shine a light right on that self-hatred and enflame it. It's disarming, and, when you mix in some sex and good times, it can feel almost magical. Sounds like she's one such person, for you.

 

Trick to getting the jump on all that? It's to see all that self-hatred first, so (a) it starts shrinking and (b) when another person finds a way to stir it up your gut reaction is pretty simple: not someone to play with. Right there you teach yourself something pretty cool: a little dissertation on this thing we call love, by loving yourself. Oh, you think, that's what it can feel like: breathing, not choking. Then you find yourself gravitating to people who stir it back, rather than all the other nonsense.

 

A few cents to spend however you see fit.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...