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I’m almost 30. I find myself sinking into this depression and finding that I just don’t have the energy or even the mental strength to try and dig myself out. I had a kid, wasn’t exactly my idea. There are times I wish I had taken a different route in life. Sometimes I feel I’d be a lot happier, not only with my life but with myself. My son is two. I love him more than anything. I’m in school right now. To try and better myself to get a job and get out of this place we’re living. I hate it here every day. I just wana have a big yard for my son to run around in. I have all these dreams and desires. And they all seem so impossible. I’m just doing what I know I can do. Finish this pharm tech school for the second time. :/. (Did it once before I had a kid and hated it. Now I don’t have a choice, I just need something that will make me decent money). I feel like one reason I hate my life so much is sometimes I can’t stand my partner! He’s just so stupid! Sometimes! I feel like I do what I can and no matter what, at some point, he comes at me with this attitude like “ well I told you I don’t like this or that, I guess you didn’t listen) like???? ?!? There are times I feel like he says just to win arguments! (I think It’s this whole bull about how his ed up father raised him, his dad does the same thing to him, I’ve seen. It’s like his father is always trying de-masculinization tactics on him)So I feel like he tries that on me, half exactly expecting me to just give in and say “oh I’m so sorry honey I’ll fix it) . Most of the time we’re ok. But when we get into it I just want to ing scream at him! I love the guy but there literally are times I just want to kick him out and file for child support. There’s been times I’ve thrown his bag at him and told him he can go. There’s been times I told him to pack his and go. But. He stayed. Am I crazy? There are times I’m very happy with him. I would say most times. But the sad part is. I’m on my ing period. I know I tend to get a little crazy. But is that all my life and everything and be reduced to??? PMS???? What kind of sick ing joke is god playing on me???? Or women kind? I guess I just need friends. I need to get away and have a real conversation with someone who isn’t family. Idk what to do. I just want to cry.

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You seem to have difficulty accepting responsibility for the choices you've made. Did someone force you to have a child? It was your choice. Why are your dreams impossible? What is preventing you from finishing school and getting a job? What is preventing you from leaving this unsatisfactory relationship?

 

It's not God's fault. It's about the poor choices you've made. You're the only one who can improve your life, but you have to take responsibility for it.

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You seem to have difficulty accepting responsibility for the choices you've made. Did someone force you to have a child? It was your choice. Why are your dreams impossible? What is preventing you from finishing school and getting a job? What is preventing you from leaving this unsatisfactory relationship?

 

It's not God's fault. It's about the poor choices you've made. You're the only one who can improve your life, but you have to take responsibility for it.

 

I felt the same way reading your post. Your son is 2 and very soon he's going to view you as his role model including when it comes to taking responsibility for his choices.

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If you had a bag of skittles and you knew one skittle was poisoned, would you eat any of the skittles? That’s what your partner is when he tries to cut you down. You could leave, you could try counselling. I hope that you don’t stay willing to pay that price of admission though, you deserve to not be under attack from your partner

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When you post can you put into to paragraphs? I had a hard time following how he "emasculates" you and the whole thing about the fights and his dad.....

 

But what I did get, is that maybe this isnt the partner for you. You're struggling with loving him but wanting more from him, seeing that is just not capable of what you need.

 

Sounds to me like the internal debate we all have when we're getting ready to end.... pro/con list.

 

If you hate your life, you're the only one that can change it.

 

Why are you going through pharmacy tech school if you know you hated it the first time and won't like the job? Are you going to use that as a short term career to build it into something you do want?

 

You cant keep accepting things you don't like and expect to like your life.

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Hopefully you are under a doctors care and have regular support through therapy. You are being abusive to your child's father/partner because of anger, raging and uncontrolled moods. Get some help before your child gets taken away.

I find myself sinking into this depression and finding that I just don’t have the energy or even the mental strength to try and dig myself out. I had a kid, wasn’t exactly my idea.
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