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My boyfriend and parents don’t get along


Brianap

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So my boyfriend and I our 21 years old, and we live with my parents. And recently it has been a hard time due to the Covid-19, and my boyfriend was laid off from one job and then found another, so we are trying to save up to move out. But I don’t know how much longer him and I can take this. Everyday my parents have something new that my boyfriend did that ticked them off.... he slept in, he had the air on, etc. they interrogate him and then talk about him. And it isn’t like they keep it from me, no they come to me and talk about him to me. I’m starting to feel like my parents want me to choose them or him and quite frankly they will be really hurt if it does come down to that. What should I do to make the situation better? To some how make it bare able to live here and not let this ruin my relationship?

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Does your boyfriend contribute to the household functions? Cleaning up, helping out with cooking, that sort of thing?

 

Do you and he contribute financially is some way?

 

I'm trying to work whether the problems is over-bearing parents or a mooching boyfriend.

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So my boyfriend and I our 21 years old, and we live with my parents. And recently it has been a hard time due to the Covid-19, and my boyfriend was laid off from one job and then found another, so we are trying to save up to move out. But I don’t know how much longer him and I can take this. Everyday my parents have something new that my boyfriend did that ticked them off.... he slept in, he had the air on, etc. they interrogate him and then talk about him. And it isn’t like they keep it from me, no they come to me and talk about him to me. I’m starting to feel like my parents want me to choose them or him and quite frankly they will be really hurt if it does come down to that. What should I do to make the situation better? To some how make it bare able to live here and not let this ruin my relationship?
It's plenty obvious they just don't like him living under their roof, which is fair enough. I might suggest them working out an amount he can pay in rent wherein it's worth it to them even if he's sleeping in or hiking the electricity up a few bucks occasionally leaving the air on. But really... just work with him to find other living arrangements for himself. There's really no need to damage your relationship with either him or your parents. If that means he has to get his own studio or roommate and you two have to hold off on getting your own place together for another year, so be it. It's definitely a renter's / sublettee's market out there right now.

 

Good news is this isn't you choosing that he not stay there. In all but certain words, it's your parents, and again, that's justifiably so. If he puts it on you or really anyone but himself for that matter (being responsible for his own independence), that's a testament to his lack of character, not yours.

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Why don't you look at it from their point of view? Benjamin Franklin famously said that guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days. I know I briefly enjoy having friends or relatives visit, but only if it's for a brief period. You can't really totally relax in your own home with outsiders present. Your bf is an outsider. Both you and your parents made a big mistake for allowing this arrangement to happen.

 

Don't make them your enemies because they are normal human beings who let the stress of a strained living arrangement get to them. Take ownership of your poor decisions leading to this, and in the meantime, make yourselves scarce whenever possible, get second jobs to hurry up and be able to afford to move out together, and do extra chores around the house and yard to make yourselves useful, even if not asked to go above and beyond. If you make their lives easier rather than more difficult, perhaps they'll tolerate his presence a little better.

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OP, your parents aren't asking you to choose him or them, they are making it very very clear that they simply do not like the situation of this guy living under their roof. Sure they are being totally passive aggressive about it, which is annoying and stressful, but the message is the same - this living with mom and dad to save money is not actually welcome. It would have been better had they simply said no to this in the first place, instead of agreeing and then deliberately making life hell.

 

That said, agree with Jman that either he needs to go back to living with his fam or find a roommate or pay some amount of rent to your parents so they feel a bit better about this situation and stop counting how many watts of electricity he added to their bills.

 

Lots of couples do not live together and there is no reason for you and him to be living together while only dating and stressing your family in addition to that. No reason to play house when you can't even afford a house.

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Step 1. BF moves out with friends, relatives, anyone elsewhere.

Step 2. You evaluate your own path, with or without him.

Step 3. Try to understand your parents issues with having this guy live in their house being intimate with their daughter, eating their food, using their resources, and likely making messes to deal with.

Step 4. Figure out your future living arrangements away from home with or without this BF. Be realistic about finances and who cleans up, etc.

Step 5. Move out with friends, other relatives, strangers with or without BF.

Step 6. Keep your relationship with your parents free of the pressure of living with them on all concerned.

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OP, I think we need more info. Because based on what you wrote, what are you or your bf doing to improve this situation?

 

Your parents opened their home to you and your bf...You guys need to adjust to them and appreciate what they offer.

 

And that last bit about "they'll be hurt if i have to choose" what is that all about? That makes you sound really spoiled and immature.

 

If you and your bf wanna play house, get your own place...

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You have to understand that this isn't about how they feel about you, or if accepting or not accepting your boyfriend means they love or accept you.

I know it's tough for you to separate the two, but this really is about them not wanting an extra person around, however much you want him around.

 

You have to be fair and realize that it is their house, they are allowed to have negative feelings over all of it. To be fair, inviting your boyfriend over to live, wasn't the best thing to do.

 

All you can do now is, play by their rules. Have your boyfriend do as they ask, (without complaint). The only other option is to have him move back home or have him go stay with a friend.

But at this point, as tough as it is, you really have no leeway to say much or to complain. I know it's crappy for you, but the only way to fix it is to find your own place.

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Sorry to hear this. It's surprising they haven't asked him to leave and go live with his own family. If they don't, you should. Have some self respect and stop letting this guy use you and your family as a free bed and breakfast with benefits.

 

Both of you should be maintaining jobs in whatever essential businesses are open in your area. Both of you should be doing chores, cleaning up, buying groceries and paying toward rent, utilities and other costs. What he is "saving" your parents are spending/losing.

Everyday my parents have something new that my boyfriend did that ticked them off.... he slept in, he had the air on, etc. they interrogate him and then talk about him.
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It's not fair for your parents to give up their privacy/space in order to make it easy for you and your b/f to be together. If you're not able to afford your own place, you need to be more responsible as well as finding other ways to make that happen.

 

My guess is that this arrangement won't last much longer unless he finds other accommodations, sooner rather than later.

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They still have their privacy, they stay on the opposite side of the house, hardly ever do we go and bother them. Majority of the time I am working to save up money. If my boyfriend isn’t at work then he is chilling and spends time with my siblings

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He has only been here for 2 weeks. I asked if he could stay when he lost his place, the parents said yes he could stay but we will talk to him about the arrangements. The first arrangement was he need to be actively looking for a new job, he had originally 3 job offers, he picked the highest paying one, so the next part of the arrangement was for him to save half or most of his check, so he would have enough to afford a new place

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He has only been here for 2 weeks. I asked if he could stay when he lost his place, the parents said yes he could stay but we will talk to him about the arrangements. The first arrangement was he need to be actively looking for a new job, he had originally 3 job offers, he picked the highest paying one, so the next part of the arrangement was for him to save half or most of his check, so he would have enough to afford a new place
ok. so a lot of what you added about being in separate parts of the house, the time frame and the contribution arrangements makes this a little more clear.

 

Where did the comment about choosing him or your parents come into it?

 

I think your parents are coming to you because you are their daughter. they want your support in clearing up some of these disputes. Do you not see the position they are in, trying to balance things to keep YOU happy. You can explain things to your bf and help him navigate a way to fit into an ALREADY ESTABLISHED FAMILY DYNAMIC.

 

Do expect your parents to bend to your bf, the way that you do or they way they bend to you. Your parents are your family. The bf is the newcomer... so he needs to step up and show some good intentions here.

 

What really needs to happen is a family meeting where people communicate LIKE ADULTS. Sounds like you will have to grow up a little bit and be willing to work things out together.

 

The four of you could come out of this much closer and happier by working together to COMPROMISE. As opposed to what you seem to be doing now which is an "us and them" mentality.

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