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Emotionally immature


Ash12345

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Are you still checking your ex's social media and comparing how he treats his current girlfriend to how he treated you?

 

Ruminating on this and continuing to make your ex your focus doesn't do you any good.

 

Can you redirect your focus? Try to think about why you want him so badly when he didn't treat you properly. And instead, think about what your ideal relationship would look like. Oh, and work on your self esteem. You mentioned you feel it is low. Why is that? Fix that, and you won't need to obsess over your ex anymore.

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You would have to operationally define emotional immaturity in this context. What behaviors do you see that indicate the person is emotionally immature?

 

Like boltrun said, if this is about comparing your ex's current behaviors in his new relationship with how he treated you at the end of yours, it's just going to make you feel worse and stop you from moving on. I know it hurts when ex-partners move on first or leave us for someone else. I've been through it myself. It doesn't mean there was anything wrong with you, but it also does not in and of itself make them emotionally immature.

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Agree with bolt, having followed your last thread.

 

Not to hall-of-mirrors this too much, but lingering on an ex's social media feed and obsessively comparing yourself to his new squeeze? That's kind of Emotional Immaturity 101. So while I assume you have someone else in mind as the "emotionally immature" one in this semi-hypothetical scenario, I'd say it's a great time to focus on growing yourself an inch or two. You'll be amazed at what you find, what kind of connections you establish, and how this here moment loses its traction in the mental and emotional airways.

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Of course -many people are together long term. Doesn't mean it's a healthy relationship but sure - I know many couples where one or both are very immature/codependent -whatever -and it works for them. Who am I to judge??

 

But, hey, to answer your question: agree with this.

 

The world proves, daily, that just about every version of a human being on the planet can have a longterm relationship. Best thing about just being one of those humans, though? We get full control in deciding what kind of relationships work for us, and what kind of people we want to spend our energy on.

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My husband's sister is the most emotionally immature person I've ever met. So yes, they are out there and she was married for a long time before dumping the guy and now 25 or 30 yrs later is set to marry some other guy who thinks she's just wonderful. Yup, it can and does happen.

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Absolutely NOT. I've since learned this harsh lesson the hard way. Those who lack emotional intelligence (EQ) are lost causes and impossible to get along with. Those with low to non-existent EQ are fine for superficial, shallow, small talk acquaintance type relationships at best but anymore than that? Forget it.

 

I have people in my midst who lack EQ and it's like walking on eggshells which means non-EQ people are far too much work, unnecessary stress and aggravation for me. I'm better off associating with those who have a lot of empathy and HIGH EQ.

 

I've written off those with no EQ.

 

And yes, I will judge. Respect, consideration, empathy, kindness, conscientious impeccable manners, humility, common decency, common courtesy and integrity are all virtues we hold dear. Without it, all relationships and friendships are doomed for failure. Either be on the same page with high EQ or these types of hopeless people are a waste of my time, money and energy.

 

Yes, those with no EQ can have long term relationships but it will be fraught with high maintenance and endless irritations. :upset:

 

Emotionally immature people only think of themselves. They're a selfish lot. They don't feel for others on a consistent, habitual basis. Some of them are masters at gaslighting, too. They're a train wreck.

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It has been over a year, you really need to move on with your life. Have you considered more therapy?

 

How long did you date? How old are you?

 

I’m trying - a year and a half I’m 20. It’s his 1 year today and I didn’t stalk him, it came up on my explore page

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Are you still checking your ex's social media and comparing how he treats his current girlfriend to how he treated you?

 

Ruminating on this and continuing to make your ex your focus doesn't do you any good.

 

Can you redirect your focus? Try to think about why you want him so badly when he didn't treat you properly. And instead, think about what your ideal relationship would look like. Oh, and work on your self esteem. You mentioned you feel it is low. Why is that? Fix that, and you won't need to obsess over your ex anymore.

 

I’m not actually, it came up on my feed! I have started to and would rather someone who celebrated me and isn’t embarrassed of me.

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Considering the number of threads we see here from folks who are obviously in toxic relationships with immature people? Yes, it’s absolutely possible.

 

It doesn’t mean the relationship is a good one, though, nor that the one desperately hanging on doesn’t have some emotional maturing to do, too.

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Rhetorical questions are not addressing things. Innuendos about this guy won't help. Survey style questions in general are not useful. Telemedicine therapy could help you .

 

Replied in your identical thread about this, my advice remains the same: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564245&p=7209898&viewfull=1#post7209898

Do you think someone who is emotionally immature can have a long term relationship?
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I’m not actually, it came up on my feed! I have started to and would rather someone who celebrated me and isn’t embarrassed of me.

 

Why haven't you deleted him from your social media?

 

Why are you choosing to stay mentally connected to him? This does you no good at all.

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I have started to and would rather someone who celebrated me and isn’t embarrassed of me.

 

Great. Keep going down this path.

 

If you were in this headspace before you met him—feeling yourself and your worth, wanting someone who celebrated that—do you think this relationship would have existed for as long as it did, if at all? Probably not. Which isn't to say that it was a waste of time. Hardly. You probably had some very good times, and now you've learned some lessons. But you can't live them—can't start feeling yourself and celebrating yourself—if you're still measuring yourself against someone that tapped into a part of you that you want to work on, and let go of.

 

The familiar is always comfortable, even when the familiar is self-loathing. Challenge right now—and you're up for it!—is to start finding a new comfort zone.

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I’m trying - a year and a half I’m 20. It’s his 1 year today and I didn’t stalk him, it came up on my explore page

 

I believe there is hope for emotionally immature people if and only when they eventually recognize their flaws and defects and they're willing to sincerely change for the better. I can live with that. Unfortunately, I rarely observe this true effort in my lifetime. "A leopard cannot change its spots." They are who they are.

 

I know several relatives and in-laws who are in long term relationships and marriages but those relationships and marriages are made in hell. :upset: Unfortunately, some couples are entrapped and stuck together and quite miserable.

 

I know several relatives and in-laws who are emotionally immature and unkind to me and my loved ones for chronically endless and sick habitual decades. Some people will say, "Oh, you just have to tolerate and accept other people's foibles." Well, I say, "Forget that. I'm out. It's a real deal breaker." Sure, my husband, sons and I are civil towards them. However, we enforce healthy boundaries with emotionally immature people and keep them at arm's length. We are wary and jaded. We are a peaceful lot but we're not chummy. This is the difference. None of us trust emotionally immature people as they are predictable in a bad way.

 

Emotionally immature people are problematic and unfortunately it's a form of mental illness. Sometimes it's curable and fixable and other times, it's best to stay away from them because they're unpleasant people and who in their right mind enjoys being around people who don't make you happy? :eek:

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Great. Keep going down this path.

 

If you were in this headspace before you met him—feeling yourself and your worth, wanting someone who celebrated that—do you think this relationship would have existed for as long as it did, if at all? Probably not. Which isn't to say that it was a waste of time. Hardly. You probably had some very good times, and now you've learned some lessons. But you can't live them—can't start feeling yourself and celebrating yourself—if you're still measuring yourself against someone that tapped into a part of you that you want to work on, and let go of.

 

The familiar is always comfortable, even when the familiar is self-loathing. Challenge right now—and you're up for it!—is to start finding a new comfort zone.

 

I think I was probably focused on the fact that I could finally be myself around a guy. I finally felt comfortable that I let that stuff slip

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Why haven't you deleted him from your social media?

 

Why are you choosing to stay mentally connected to him? This does you no good at all.

 

It sounds pathetic but the only reason is so he can see me and how much I’ve changed

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It sounds pathetic but the only reason is so he can see me and how much I’ve changed

 

So you can change this.

 

Instead of choosing to be "pathetic", how about being strong? Delete him from your social media and resolve that never again will you live your life hoping to have an ex as an audience. Or never again look to an ex for approval.

 

Live for YOU, not some ex.

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