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Fiancée Ended 5 Year Relationship 2 Months Ago Now has someone else


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This is something that I need to try & get answers to, hence my post on here.

 

Any help would be appreciated.

 

I am 40, my now ex fiancée is 35, we were together for 5 years, engaged for 3 & we have a 2 year old together. We lived together.

 

On February 5th this year, completely out of the blue to me, she told me that she didn’t think that we were working out & that her feelings for me had changed.

 

This totally blindsided me, as I genuinely didn’t think that our relationship was bad, I mean we never argued or anything like that.

 

I had noticed that prior to this happening, that she had been pretty much glued to her phone in the couple of months prior, but I didn’t say anything as I had no reason to not trust her.

 

After she had said that, I was obviously stunned & asked her if we can talk about thing’s & see if they can be sorted out between us, but she just kept saying that there was nothing to talk about/sort out.

 

This was horrible for me, as even 2 days prior to this happening, she was as normal, told me that she loved me etc.

 

She would not look at me whilst I was asking her to at least talk about thing’s, just kept looking at the floor.

 

She then asked if I could move out as she felt it was awkward & because of our baby, I agreed as I didn’t want there to be an atmosphere or anything like that for his sake.

 

When I left our house, I had to move back to my parents otherwise I had knowhere else to go.

 

Unfortunately, my parents stay at the other end of the street, so I cannot do out of sight, out of mind, I sometimes see her & her new guy & it is destroying me so much inside. I get anxious & upset.

 

Anyway, since then, she has totally & utterly ignored me, I have NOT bombarded her with calls or messages, but even regarding questions about our baby boy, She has jjust totally ignored like I do not exist anymore.

 

It hurts me a lot, especially when it was not an acrimonious break up.

 

Around a week & a half later, she got with someone else & it still with him as I write this, he has pretty much moved into the house we shared & is there all the time.

 

This is hurting me more than the actual break up. It’s like everything we had doesn’t mean anything to her at all.

 

I have also since found out, that she already knew this guy prior to us breaking up.

 

I also now believe that she was at the very minimum emotionally cheating on me prior to the relationship ending,

it’s also possible that she was cheating physically with him, as she had went off sex with me a good 4-5 months prior to this happening & when I asked her if we were ever going to have sex again, she would just say that she was tired or say of course we are, yet we rarely did despite me trying everything to get us to.

 

I never seen these as red flags, as I trusted her completely, I had no reason not to.

 

I actually thought that we were alright, just going with the ebb & flow of life in general.

 

I am currently up & down with my emotions & feelings, some days are really bad others are ok considering, but as said, it’s very hard when we stay in the same street.

 

Please can someone help me out here?

 

I am deeply lost without her & our baby boy in my life.

 

I never thought for a second that she would hurt me or treat me like this. If I was a bad, horrible person towards her, I would understand better, but I was not at all.

 

Help me please.

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I am sorry you are hurting and that she is behaving so badly, but your son is a whole other matter. If she is ignoring you and you aren’t seeing him you need to get a lawyer and get a formal arrangement ASAP. You need to see him regularly and be a part his life and don’t let her interfere with that. I know right now with the lock downs some courts are closed but a lot of lawyers are working on line, find one.

 

You will get through this and you will be fine without her. But you must make sure you are the very best father you can be. I hope you get to the point where you can coparent healthfully, but that may take a while. Get yourself someone to talk to to help you through this. There are specialists Who counsel people going through break ups and divorces and a lot of them are taking online appts at this time.

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I have been with my boy since the day he came into this world, I was there at her side when he was born.

I am genuinely hurt & confused as to why she is being like this?

I did have a hope of us talking & see if thing’s could be sorted between us, but I guess that it’s not going to happen now?

 

I will definitely see a lawyer regarding our boy, I just didn’t want to play dirty, as that’s not me.

 

Thank you for your reply.

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Welcome to ENA,

 

This whole thing sucks. Being cheated on is the worst betrayal you can ever endure.

 

It is hard to believe the woman you loved so deeply and trusted would cheat on you but that is exactly what she did. She has been seeing this guy at least 5 months prior and planning her escape. This guy is exciting and new so she took him for a test drive while you were left in the dark. Her feelings didn't change for you, she just directed them at the new guy and when she figured he was an upgrade she dropped the bomb on you so she could make it official with him but not look like a cheater.

 

The facts are that she cheated and dumped you for some new guy. You need to accept that these two facts are real and true. It is hard to accept I know and your head is probably spinning and you can't sleep but you need to keep telling yourself it is over, she isn't the person you thought she was and that you will be okay once you begin to heal. It takes time and a lot of reminding yourself since it is so shocking.

 

Is your name on the birth certificate as the father?

Have there been any discussions on custody?

Do you have joint accounts of any kind?

Is there anything you own jointly?

Are you on the lease?

 

My advice right now is to seek legal advice to protect your parental rights. Then figure out the financial situation from the questions I asked above.

 

Be smart, don't make any promises, don't threaten or say anything that could be construed as harmful and never confront the other guy. Think twice and think again before you do or say anything and run it past your parents before you say or do it. You are in shock and are not thinking clearly right now so relay on trusted people in your life.

 

This was not your fault. She chose to cheat on you and there is no reason or excuse in the world to justify or make it okay or your fault. This is all on her so never allow her to try and lay even the slightest blame on you. Right now your number one priority is a custody agreement you both can agree on. There is some good news on that front as she is so focused on her new bf that she may want you to have your child more often so if you see an opening go for it.

 

What is done is done and you cannot figure it out, you cannot undo it and you cannot fix her so she will snap out of it and things can go back to the way they used to be. Acceptance is your friend...

 

Keep posting, it helps

 

Lost

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As much as this hurts, you need to acknowledge that she was cheating on you. This didn't come out of the blue. Yes, you trusted her because you are a sane, caring, loving person. Unfortunately, you are now facing reality that your ex is anything but that. Painful and disorienting for sure, but you must face that horrible reality and get angry. Please call around and get legal advice. Moving out just because she asked you to.....was probably the wrong move, but hopefully can be remedied with some good legal help. You need to get angry for being taken for such a fool and you need a pitbull lawyer to give you some advice on how to handle this. Most importantly, you need to grow a spine and get mad, really mad. You know what's damaging to YOUR child right now? Seeing mom with another man while dad is out of sight. That should give fuel to any lawyer to fight for your rights as a father. This woman knowingly, intentionally, consciously duped you and cheated on you - nothing to pine about. This is war, OP. Like it or not you've been thrown into it and since you have a child to protect from this creep of a woman....better arm yourself. Lawyers do have phone consultations even with the virus thing going on.

 

For additional support please check out chumplady.com blog and she also has a book "leave a cheater gain a life" - it's for those who are going exactly through what you are going through - dealing with this kind of betrayal and how to manage that. I tend to recommend it on here because it gives the unvarnished truth about the person you are dealing with and what to expect. The community is a mixed bag....but...even so lots of support for those who have been cheated on and have children and custody to manage.

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Consulting an attorney to protect your rights as a father and to be there as a father for your child is not "playing dirty". I don't understand why you would see it as that.

 

Your child is innocent and cannot understand the sudden changes in his life. Please set aside your hurt for now so you can do right by him.

 

As for her, a lying, deceitful cheater is no one you want back in your life. As a good man, your life would be better enhanced by a quality woman. When you're ready, you might feel strong enough to pursue a new relationship. For now focus on your child.

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I agree about consulting with an attorney.

 

If you’re the kind of person who can turn anger into a productive thing that’s great advice above. I’m sure many people use anger to fuel productive pursuits. It might also be that there will be “more than enough” anger as you process and grieve what happened with your ex. If that’s the case, it might not always be wise to make decisions from a place of anger. What worked out best in my own divorce were the decisions I made from a place of love. Love for my kids and love for myself.

 

I’m sorry you’re going through this - hopefully you keep posting here for input and clarity as new decisions need to be made in the evolution of your co-parenting relationship/dissolution of your romantic relationship.

 

Best wishes!

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Welcome to ENA,

 

This whole thing sucks. Being cheated on is the worst betrayal you can ever endure.

 

It is hard to believe the woman you loved so deeply and trusted would cheat on you but that is exactly what she did. She has been seeing this guy at least 5 months prior and planning her escape. This guy is exciting and new so she took him for a test drive while you were left in the dark. Her feelings didn't change for you, she just directed them at the new guy and when she figured he was an upgrade she dropped the bomb on you so she could make it official with him but not look like a cheater.

 

The facts are that she cheated and dumped you for some new guy. You need to accept that these two facts are real and true. It is hard to accept I know and your head is probably spinning and you can't sleep but you need to keep telling yourself it is over, she isn't the person you thought she was and that you will be okay once you begin to heal. It takes time and a lot of reminding yourself since it is so shocking.

 

Is your name on the birth certificate as the father?

Have there been any discussions on custody?

Do you have joint accounts of any kind?

Is there anything you own jointly?

Are you on the lease?

 

My advice right now is to seek legal advice to protect your parental rights. Then figure out the financial situation from the questions I asked above.

 

Be smart, don't make any promises, don't threaten or say anything that could be construed as harmful and never confront the other guy. Think twice and think again before you do or say anything and run it past your parents before you say or do it. You are in shock and are not thinking clearly right now so relay on trusted people in your life.

 

This was not your fault. She chose to cheat on you and there is no reason or excuse in the world to justify or make it okay or your fault. This is all on her so never allow her to try and lay even the slightest blame on you. Right now your number one priority is a custody agreement you both can agree on. There is some good news on that front as she is so focused on her new bf that she may want you to have your child more often so if you see an opening go for it.

 

What is done is done and you cannot figure it out, you cannot undo it and you cannot fix her so she will snap out of it and things can go back to the way they used to be. Acceptance is your friend...

 

Keep posting, it helps

 

Lost

 

Hi, my head is indeed spinning, I am completely destroyed & deeply hurt at all of this. As you said, the betrayal hurts worse more than anything & I never suspected a thing.

 

As for our boy, yes I am on the birth certificate, I don’t have any doubts about me not being his father,He is definitely mine & he is my double.

 

As for discussions regarding our boy, that’s the sore point, she has totally ignored me since this happened, as in like I do not exist anymore, ghosted to put a term on it.

I have messaged her to ask if I could see/get him & it has been totally ignored point blank. I even emailed her & the same thing happened, it has cut me deep to the core.

 

You are right about not approaching her new guy, I admit I did think of that about a month & a half ago, but I did not & do not want to make things hard for the future.

 

The house we shared was her house, she had that when I met her 5 years ago, so I am not on the tenancy agreement unfortunately, although I did contribute to the rent & bills, food etc. I moved out because I did not want there to be an atmosphere in the house because of our boy.

 

I can see that she was cheating on me now, I didn’t at the time we broke up.

It’s the whole thing, I cannot get my head around it all & why she would completely cut me off, I am not a bad person, I just want a quiet life & as I said, it was not an acrimonious break up, I left because she didn’t want to talk about anything no matter what I said/asked.

 

The other thing is, it has destroyed any future trust in me, should I meet someone else in the distant future, I am not willing to get involved in another relationship to be set up for this hurt & pain. It is effecting my mental health, I keep waking up in the early hours of the morning & cannot get back to sleep at all, I never used to have this problem, it’s been the last 5-6 weeks this has been happening, it’s killing me.

 

I loved her so much, treated her right, bought her all the vehicles that she has had & the one she has now, bought her gifts, flowers, perfume, real diamond jewellery, decorated the house from top to bottom & more, just to give her & us a good life. Yet it now seems to mean nothing whatsoever to her.

 

I am going to see my GP as I think I may be bordering on depression, & I do know that I am suffering from anxiety.

 

3 months ago, I was the happiest, go lucky man & now I am a broken, destroyed & deeply hurt man.

 

Sorry for going on, I am just deeply deeply hurt, I am crying as I write this.

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As much as this hurts, you need to acknowledge that she was cheating on you. This didn't come out of the blue. Yes, you trusted her because you are a sane, caring, loving person. Unfortunately, you are now facing reality that your ex is anything but that. Painful and disorienting for sure, but you must face that horrible reality and get angry. Please call around and get legal advice. Moving out just because she asked you to.....was probably the wrong move, but hopefully can be remedied with some good legal help. You need to get angry for being taken for such a fool and you need a pitbull lawyer to give you some advice on how to handle this. Most importantly, you need to grow a spine and get mad, really mad. You know what's damaging to YOUR child right now? Seeing mom with another man while dad is out of sight. That should give fuel to any lawyer to fight for your rights as a father. This woman knowingly, intentionally, consciously duped you and cheated on you - nothing to pine about. This is war, OP. Like it or not you've been thrown into it and since you have a child to protect from this creep of a woman....better arm yourself. Lawyers do have phone consultations even with the virus thing going on.

 

For additional support please check out chumplady.com blog and she also has a book "leave a cheater gain a life" - it's for those who are going exactly through what you are going through - dealing with this kind of betrayal and how to manage that. I tend to recommend it on here because it gives the unvarnished truth about the person you are dealing with and what to expect. The community is a mixed bag....but...even so lots of support for those who have been cheated on and have children and custody to manage.

 

That’s another thing that does really get to me, her new guy in our old house with my boy, & you have hit the nail on the head as I imagine that it will be confusing for him also, I put him to bed the night before this happened, yet the next day, I was gone because of his mum. I have thought about that. My boy is at the age where he could quite easily forget about me & that is something that gets to me.

It’s just extremely hard when I am being blatantly ignored by her, I can’t get through to her.

 

My mum did say that I should have stayed when my ex asked me to leave, my mum said even until I got her to talk/answer me. Yet, I thought that it was for the best to leave because I didn’t want there to be an atmosphere in the house for our boy, he wasn’t brought up in that kind of environment.

 

I will definitely get a good lawyer, it’s hard at the moment due to the coronavirus situation & lockdown.

I just need to get it through my head that she has deeply betrayed me & then treated me like dirt afterwards. I am not an angry person, that’s what is hard, my Dad is the opposite, he is a good natured guy, but takes no nonsense from anyone & he can also handle himself should the need arise, whereas me, I’m the opposite, I would rather not get angry even when pushed. That’s my problem I know, & not what I need advice about.

 

Thank you to everyone who has commented, for not sugar coating anything & making me face the cold, hard reality of things. It’s appreciated.

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Consulting an attorney to protect your rights as a father and to be there as a father for your child is not "playing dirty". I don't understand why you would see it as that.

 

Your child is innocent and cannot understand the sudden changes in his life. Please set aside your hurt for now so you can do right by him.

 

As for her, a lying, deceitful cheater is no one you want back in your life. As a good man, your life would be better enhanced by a quality woman. When you're ready, you might feel strong enough to pursue a new relationship. For now focus on your child.

 

Playing dirty, I meant by going to a lawyer without her knowing, but that was before I knew how she was going to treat me afterwards. I thought we would at least be amicable regarding our boy & co-parenting.

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You need a lawyer and NOW. Work out a custody agreement for the child.

 

I would bet money she'd been seeing this guy for a lot longer than 5 months. These things dont happen overnight.

 

^^Definitely.

 

I'm glad that you've considered going to your GP for counseling. Definitely do this through a professional and don't discuss this with family and friends - its not their job to be your counselor.

 

It takes a lot of strength to admit that you need help and to take the positive steps forward to start healing yourself. Please be patient with the process and "do the work" in terms of what your therapist asks you to do. It is a long, painful road (I know this first hand) but no one can do it but you.

 

Also, take care of yourself physically. If you don't work out, go start exercising every day in some way shape or form. You've undoubtedly heard all the health benefits but if you work out hard enough, you'll be so tired that you'll sleep through the night rather than staring at the ceiling trying to mentally figure out what went wrong, how you could have stopped this situation from happening, etc. I had to do this when I was recovering from a similar situation.

 

Also, lawyer up immediately!!! Document the timeline of what happened before you consult with them. It is not "playing dirty". It is about protecting your rights as a father in a system that is rigged against you.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this but taking positive steps forward everyday will get you toward that light at the end of this dark tunnel.

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Ugh, I am really sorry. This is awful. I agree with the others - go to a lawyer and get a custody agreement drawn up. And yes, going to the GP and talking to a therapist will really help. I am sorry you are dealing with this, the cheating sucks. :(

 

hang in there.

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That’s another thing that does really get to me, her new guy in our old house with my boy, & you have hit the nail on the head as I imagine that it will be confusing for him also, I put him to bed the night before this happened, yet the next day, I was gone because of his mum. I have thought about that. My boy is at the age where he could quite easily forget about me & that is something that gets to me.

It’s just extremely hard when I am being blatantly ignored by her, I can’t get through to her.

 

My mum did say that I should have stayed when my ex asked me to leave, my mum said even until I got her to talk/answer me. Yet, I thought that it was for the best to leave because I didn’t want there to be an atmosphere in the house for our boy, he wasn’t brought up in that kind of environment.

 

I will definitely get a good lawyer, it’s hard at the moment due to the coronavirus situation & lockdown.

I just need to get it through my head that she has deeply betrayed me & then treated me like dirt afterwards. I am not an angry person, that’s what is hard, my Dad is the opposite, he is a good natured guy, but takes no nonsense from anyone & he can also handle himself should the need arise, whereas me, I’m the opposite, I would rather not get angry even when pushed. That’s my problem I know, & not what I need advice about.

 

Thank you to everyone who has commented, for not sugar coating anything & making me face the cold, hard reality of things. It’s appreciated.

 

Of course this is difficult. The reason I said that you need to get in touch with some anger is because it's very obvious from your post that anger is a foreign emotion to you, that you tend to be exactly that - an easy going, laid back person. Normally, that's a great quality, except that in this situation....it works against you. You are getting good advice from your family and you have a good example in your dad in that you can be an easy going person but still have firm boundaries because if you don't, people will walk all over you. Listen to them.

 

Please don't be too hard on yourself though. It's a shock and it will take time to deal with the fallout and get yourself sorted out again. Please don't tell yourself things like you'll never be able to trust again....because that's giving your cheating low life ex way too much power over your future and your happiness. Take this one day at a time. Workout is great advice. Call around and get phone consultations on custody and what you can do, how to document things. Sort that out. Eventually....life will start to look less chaotic and more normal....a different kind of normal from what you were planning but still....better than what it is today. Eventually you'll reach indifference and life will start looking brighter again. It's a journey and it will take time and it's not easy.

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Just file for visitation/shared custody with the courts. Why would you need an attorney in your area? Keep in mind you'll be on the hook for child support. Are you employed? Do you have a suitable environment in which to see him?

 

With a visitation/custody order in place, you can work something out. However keep in mind you can not hang out at her house, so you'll have to come up with something for your petition to the courts. Do not wing it or do ad hoc visiting. Ever. Do not show up at her house. If you get arrested for trespassing or she gets a restraining order, you'll never see your son. Use your head not your emotions.

 

This is not about texting her or negotiating seeing your child. This is your and the child's right, but you must get court papers. Get everything in writing from the courts and do everything to the letter.

 

Luckily you weren't married or co-owning/co-renting anything so you could just walk out. This is not about avenging her. It's about if you want to see your son you'll have do the appropriate paperwork and take the proper actions. be the cool-headed one. You'll prevail that way. Her cheating/having a new bf in her house has nothing to do with custody/visitation.

 

Sadly it sounds like things have been falling apart for almost 1/2 a year, and she chose the sleazy way out. Sorry.

I meant by going to a lawyer without her knowing.
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^^Definitely.

 

I'm glad that you've considered going to your GP for counseling. Definitely do this through a professional and don't discuss this with family and friends - its not their job to be your counselor.

 

It takes a lot of strength to admit that you need help and to take the positive steps forward to start healing yourself. Please be patient with the process and "do the work" in terms of what your therapist asks you to do. It is a long, painful road (I know this first hand) but no one can do it but you.

 

Also, take care of yourself physically. If you don't work out, go start exercising every day in some way shape or form. You've undoubtedly heard all the health benefits but if you work out hard enough, you'll be so tired that you'll sleep through the night rather than staring at the ceiling trying to mentally figure out what went wrong, how you could have stopped this situation from happening, etc. I had to do this when I was recovering from a similar situation.

 

Also, lawyer up immediately!!! Document the timeline of what happened before you consult with them. It is not "playing dirty". It is about protecting your rights as a father in a system that is rigged against you.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this but taking positive steps forward everyday will get you toward that light at the end of this dark tunnel.

 

I definitely do need to go see my GP, I am definitely bordering on depression & I do know that I have anxiety at the moment.

I will definitely document a timeline of events before I speak with a lawyer, that is a good idea & I never thought of that.

 

My boy, I love the little guy so so much & this is the first time in his life that I have been away from him, it really hurts, I mean really really hurts.

 

This happened on 5th February & I have not seen him since.

 

I know the current virus situation also doesn’t help, but that will pass at some point.

I will get my head together & gear up for a fight, as I wasn’t expecting to have to do such a thing, I genuinely believed that we would be amicable when it came to our baby boy, but it has been anything but.

 

Silence speaks volumes & that is deeply hurtful to me.

 

As for getting physically fit, I am reasonably fit already, just the lockdown is making that harder than usual, everywhere is closed that is non essential, so I can only go for a walk or cycle for an hour at the moment. & yes, you are right, staring at the ceiling with things going round & round in my head is not ideal at all, that is a fact.

 

It’s getting emotionally fit that is going to be harder.

 

Again, Thank you for your advice & that goes to everyone here. I really do appreciate it all.

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Just file for visitation/shared custody with the courts. Why would you need an attorney in your area? Keep in mind you'll be on the hook for child support. Are you employed? Do you have a suitable environment in which to see him?

 

With a visitation/custody order in place, you can work something out. However keep in mind you can not hang out at her house, so you'll have to come up with something for your petition to the courts. Do not wing it or do ad hoc visiting. Ever. Do not show up at her house. If you get arrested for trespassing or she gets a restraining order, you'll never see your son. Use your head not your emotions.

 

This is not about texting her or negotiating seeing your child. This is your and the child's right, but you must get court papers. Get everything in writing from the courts and do everything to the letter.

 

Luckily you weren't married or co-owning/co-renting anything so you could just walk out. This is not about avenging her. It about if you want to see your son you'll have do the appropriate paperwork.

 

Wiseman, since the woman is playing dirty and refuses to cooperate with him is the exact reason why he needs a good lawyer when it comes to custody and visitation and child support - this is NOT the simple process you are making it out to be and the OP stands a lot to loose by going it by himself. He doesn't just need a lawyer he needs rabid pitbull of a lawyer who actually knows and specializes in paternal rights specifically. The OP himself is a passive individual who will literally get hosed by his ex and by the legal system unless he gets someone who is aggressive to fight for him. This situation is not simple or easy like you imagine.

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Technically, you shouldn't have left the house until custody arrangements were legalized. It could be seen as abandonment, and she could get better custody arrangements than you, since she's been the prime caregiver. She could even say that you chose not to see your child, even once, after you left. Keep that e-mail as evidence, and text her (when the virus ends), asking to see the child, as more evidence of her non-response. (Even though she owns the house, you did have rights to live there since you'd done so for many years.)

 

Sounds like you don't live in the U.S., and I don't know what your country's family law is like. Here, if there is no custody papers, one parent could up and leave with the child, moving to another state or even another country. If the other parent went to the law to stop this, the first thing they'd ask is: Show me the custody agreement. If there is none, nothing can be done because the child is with a legal guardian.

 

Right now you should be thinking of what your child will think if you're so passive as not to cause waves with his mother. I've heard older children be angry at their absent parent who maintained a distance because they couldn't deal with the stress of a combative ex, when the child was younger. They ask: wasn't I important enough to fight for? Why didn't you fight to remain in my life?

 

Of course, fighting isn't the optimum way to deal with this if you don't have to, but it's better to do so if that's your only option, rather than letting things slide.

 

She's not the person you thought she was. She failed to maintain appropriate relationship boundaries, and let herself emotionally disconnect. That's on her. Not that you should jump into another relationship, but please don't let emotional baggage prevent you from bonding with a future love. My husband's two longest relationships ended when the women cheated on him. He took two and a half years off from dating before meeting me, and concentrated on raising his daughter. When he met me, I wouldn't have even known the bad way things ended for him previously. He said that he knew I wasn't them. I'm a totally different person, and he trusted me. So yes, I recommend therapy, because you shouldn't enter any relationship until you're able to discard the useless husks of baggage.

 

We've all survived messed up relationships. When we find the keeper, we appreciate them that much more after what we once experienced. Take care.

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Just file for visitation/shared custody with the courts. Why would you need an attorney in your area? Keep in mind you'll be on the hook for child support. Are you employed? Do you have a suitable environment in which to see him?

 

With a visitation/custody order in place, you can work something out. However keep in mind you can not hang out at her house, so you'll have to come up with something for your petition to the courts. Do not wing it or do ad hoc visiting. Ever. Do not show up at her house. If you get arrested for trespassing or she gets a restraining order, you'll never see your son. Use your head not your emotions.

 

This is not about texting her or negotiating seeing your child. This is your and the child's right, but you must get court papers. Get everything in writing from the courts and do everything to the letter.

 

Luckily you weren't married or co-owning/co-renting anything so you could just walk out. This is not about avenging her. It's about if you want to see your son you'll have do the appropriate paperwork and take the proper actions. be the cool-headed one. You'll prevail that way. Her cheating/having a new bf in her house has nothing to do with custody/visitation.

 

Sadly it sounds like things have been falling apart for almost 1/2 a year, and she chose the sleazy way out. Sorry.

 

Yes, I am employed, so child support is not a problem. I am currently laid off from work however due to the virus situation, but my salary is still going to be paid.

 

Looking at it now, I would definitely say in the last year things started to change, like emotionally & I suppose physically, between us, but it was not instant, just gradually.

 

I will definitely do things to the letter, & not stupid things like go to her door or try to pick a fight with her new guy etc, that’s not me.

 

Also, don’t apologise for your opinion, it’s the truth, I can see that now, especially when everyone else see’s it also. I appreciate your advice, it helps me a lot, as does everyone else’s advice here.

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Hurt Man,

 

I have been where you are right now after 20 years together so I get what you are going through right now.

 

You are wondering why she has ghosted you? Let me ask you a question. Let's say you had someone in your life Best friend, brother or what ever and you betrayed them in the worst possible way. Would you want to talk or be around them since there was no chance you were going to try and undo the betrayal? Chances are you would avoid them at all costs because they would be a reminder of what a horrible person you were to them.

 

She wants to pretend that she didn't cheat and lie, she wants to pretend you were a terrible father and partner and she does not want to ruin her little fantasy escape she has constructed with this new guy. You are a bad reminder of what she has done...

 

The lack of sleep is totally normal as is a lack of appetite so don't worry to much about that. Sleep when you can and eat when you know you should even if you cannot taste the food. You need to be your best for your son and yourself. Start taking extremely good care of yourself. Eat right, work out, stay connected to family and friends, rediscover old hobbies and work towards being the best single dad in the whole world.

 

I got dealt a huge crap sandwich many years ago like a lot of people on this forum but if you keep posting, listen to the advice that sounds right to you and keep working towards your healing you will be better than ever and have the kind of relationship with your son you always wanted. I know it happened for me but it took work and then more work.

 

In the silent of the night your mind will wonder off to those thoughts about why didn't I see this coming, if I knew I could have done something to stop it and on and on. These thoughts are normal but are not productive or helpful. When it happened to me and I kept going to that place I would ask myself "what good will come from thinking about his?" when the answer was "nothing" (it always is) I would redirect my thought by trying to remember the lyrics to a song or anything to change the subject in my head. Give it a try.

 

Start reading about being a single dad. There is a lot to learn so you should get started right away. You may end up being the only solid parent your son has...

 

Chances are the shine will wear off this new guy one day or they will have a big fight because sneaking around having sex is exciting but when the day to day life starts to grind down their fantasy the little things will turn into big things fast. I don't tell you this so you can have some false hope of getting her back, trust me you don't want her back but when she starts having trouble with the new guy she will lash out at you. The reason you ask? Because she chose him over you and ruined a great life for this guy so it cannot be him and she cannot blame herself or your son so you will be the target. Be prepared.

 

Don't worry about her feelings or how she will feel because you sought out legal advice to protect your rights. She made her bed so she can lay in it. Do what is best for you and your son always, she is on her own from now on.

 

I know this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you but you need to know it will get better and you and your son will be okay.

 

Lost

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Technically, you shouldn't have left the house until custody arrangements were legalized. It could be seen as abandonment, and she could get better custody arrangements than you, since she's been the prime caregiver. She could even say that you chose not to see your child, even once, after you left. Keep that e-mail as evidence, and text her (when the virus ends), asking to see the child, as more evidence of her non-response. (Even though she owns the house, you did have rights to live there since you'd done so for many years.)

 

Sounds like you don't live in the U.S., and I don't know what your country's family law is like. Here, if there is no custody papers, one parent could up and leave with the child, moving to another state or even another country. If the other parent went to the law to stop this, the first thing they'd ask is: Show me the custody agreement. If there is none, nothing can be done because the child is with a legal guardian.

 

Right now you should be thinking of what your child will think if you're so passive as not to cause waves with his mother. I've heard older children be angry at their absent parent who maintained a distance because they couldn't deal with the stress of a combative ex, when the child was younger. They ask: wasn't I important enough to fight for? Why didn't you fight to remain in my life?

 

Of course, fighting isn't the optimum way to deal with this if you don't have to, but it's better to do so if that's your only option, rather than letting things slide.

 

She's not the person you thought she was. She failed to maintain appropriate relationship boundaries, and let herself emotionally disconnect. That's on her. Not that you should jump into another relationship, but please don't let emotional baggage prevent you from bonding with a future love. My husband's two longest relationships ended when the women cheated on him. He took two and a half years off from dating before meeting me, and concentrated on raising his daughter. When he met me, I wouldn't have even known the bad way things ended for him previously. He said that he knew I wasn't them. I'm a totally different person, and he trusted me. So yes, I recommend therapy, because you shouldn't enter any relationship until you're able to discard the useless husks of baggage.

 

We've all survived messed up relationships. When we find the keeper, we appreciate them that much more after what we once experienced. Take care.

 

I am in the UK.

 

I understand that it could be construed as me just up & abandoning him, but I most definitely have not, I just cannot get through to my ex fiancée because she has chosen to completely ignore me since & as advised previously, I cannot just turn up at her door, as that could cause trouble & that is one thing that I don’t want.

 

I have the email that I sent to her.

 

I also have screenshots of the text messages that I sent to her regarding our boy & me seeing/getting him, but that was still in the hope of her getting back to me about him, which to date, has not happened.

 

I don’t also want him to resent me when he is older, I have been with him from the day he was born, watched him grow from a tiny baby & develop into the boy he is now. I am deeply hurt that I am now missing a lot of key things at his age now, all because of his mum being like this.

 

If I was a nasty person who was physically or emotionally abusive towards her, then I would understand why she was being like this, but I am not & I never in a million years even thought that she would treat me like this or cheat on me.

 

As for future relationships, I am obviously not in anyway ready for another & don’t think I will be for a long time, but yes, my baby boy is very important to me & I want to see him, cuddle him & play with him again. I look at the videos & pictures of him that I have right up until the day before this happened & it makes me cry, he is so sweet & innocent. I am going to stop going on now as I am welling up as

I write all of this, just hurts me.

 

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it.

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Hurt Man,

 

I have been where you are right now after 20 years together so I get what you are going through right now.

 

You are wondering why she has ghosted you? Let me ask you a question. Let's say you had someone in your life Best friend, brother or what ever and you betrayed them in the worst possible way. Would you want to talk or be around them since there was no chance you were going to try and undo the betrayal? Chances are you would avoid them at all costs because they would be a reminder of what a horrible person you were to them.

 

She wants to pretend that she didn't cheat and lie, she wants to pretend you were a terrible father and partner and she does not want to ruin her little fantasy escape she has constructed with this new guy. You are a bad reminder of what she has done...

 

The lack of sleep is totally normal as is a lack of appetite so don't worry to much about that. Sleep when you can and eat when you know you should even if you cannot taste the food. You need to be your best for your son and yourself. Start taking extremely good care of yourself. Eat right, work out, stay connected to family and friends, rediscover old hobbies and work towards being the best single dad in the whole world.

 

I got dealt a huge crap sandwich many years ago like a lot of people on this forum but if you keep posting, listen to the advice that sounds right to you and keep working towards your healing you will be better than ever and have the kind of relationship with your son you always wanted. I know it happened for me but it took work and then more work.

 

In the silent of the night your mind will wonder off to those thoughts about why didn't I see this coming, if I knew I could have done something to stop it and on and on. These thoughts are normal but are not productive or helpful. When it happened to me and I kept going to that place I would ask myself "what good will come from thinking about his?" when the answer was "nothing" (it always is) I would redirect my thought by trying to remember the lyrics to a song or anything to change the subject in my head. Give it a try.

 

Start reading about being a single dad. There is a lot to learn so you should get started right away. You may end up being the only solid parent your son has...

 

Chances are the shine will wear off this new guy one day or they will have a big fight because sneaking around having sex is exciting but when the day to day life starts to grind down their fantasy the little things will turn into big things fast. I don't tell you this so you can have some false hope of getting her back, trust me you don't want her back but when she starts having trouble with the new guy she will lash out at you. The reason you ask? Because she chose him over you and ruined a great life for this guy so it cannot be him and she cannot blame herself or your son so you will be the target. Be prepared.

 

Don't worry about her feelings or how she will feel because you sought out legal advice to protect your rights. She made her bed so she can lay in it. Do what is best for you and your son always, she is on her own from now on.

 

I know this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you but you need to know it will get better and you and your son will be okay.

 

Lost

 

Thank you so much Lost, I will re-read your advice as you have nailed everything that I feel & think.

 

20 years is a long long time, mines was 5 years, small fry compared to your situation, but it truly hurts.

 

Again, thank you to everyone, I am trying to keep up

with everyone who is commenting & offering good solid advice, but every time I reply to someone, there are another 4-5 new posts, so to everyone, I genuinely do appreciate everything that you are all advising & saying, I did not expect this much help. Truly touched here & very very appreciated.

 

Thank YOU ALL.

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I don’t know the legal system on the UK but it actually IS cut and dry here in the U.S.

 

I never used a lawyer once since my divorce with an ex wife, who was in 2013 when this went down feeling quite...punitive. The judge ordered 70/30 custody. Since then I spent several years 50/50 and a couple years as the sole custodial parent.

 

Here in The States, unless there are are glaring reasons to deny visitation (abuse, inability to provide basic necessities, etc. and none of those are operative in your case,) both parents WILL get partial custody. Being able to just walk away without a huge fight is not a negative, it’s a relief! Just go to the courthouse and visit the “self-help” center and they will direct you to the forms you need to fill out and file in order to have a custody hearing; if your ex won’t work with you to decide and submit a schedule that works for you, the judge will decide on your behalf and it will be a “rubber stamp” case.

 

Lawyers depend on “lathered up” clients (understandable because we’re talking about our children and our former lovers) and play on their fear to convince them they need to fight and go to extremes measure to “protect” themselves. But closer to the truth is the fact that even though this feels INSANELY painful to you right now, your situation is “run of the mill” to a judge whose job it is to see 20 of these typical cases per day. If what you’ve told us is true you have a standard case and will get a standard ruling once you file a petition for a custody ruling.

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Buddy, this lady was willing to cheat on you for God knows long prior to ending things with you. And make no mistake, the timing in ending things with you and asking you to move out was very much calculated. You can bet her and her new beau were making it the topic of conversation between themselves plenty. She seems cool with dangling sporadic and tentative visitation around, all while functionally moving the new guy in (though for your part, you need to be doing what's legally necessary to be there as your kid's father). I don't know you, so I can't assume you're the world's #1 Gentleman, but this is the last person for whom I'd ever consider providing any more information than necessary pertaining to your and your child's interests in this ordeal. That includes details of your initial legal pursuits. She doesn't need to know you're seeking consult. Don't try to play nice negotiating on the side. Keep your correspondences cordial, impersonal, and relevant only to your kid's needs. If I had to guess, someone willing to behave as she has is probably steps ahead of you anyhow.

 

Assuming you can afford one, find a good attorney, explore your options, and fully prepare for any further deviant conduct from her end when it comes to support and custody. This isn't some situation where you were married and you're splitting under amicable and equally understood terms. There are plenty of factors one or both parties can introduce, maliciously or not, to make a legal case superseding algorithms. However shady she was willing to be about getting her rocks off on the side, you've got zero reason to believe she wouldn't at the very least go to that extent when it comes to custody of her child.

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