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So I met this guy on a dating app, we hit it off via text and went out on a couple of dates. He always a gentleman and we got along so well. He then invited me over to his house to cook me dinner. We slept together and the week after (This was right before the lockdown) I went over again and things were fine. So because of the lockdown, we continued talking via text, etc as usual. Then one day I just had a feeling and decided to look on the dating app where we both met and I noticed he had updated his profile. This really hurt my feelings even though I know he did nothing wrong because we have not had the conversation of being exclusive. But silly me panicked because I was afraid of getting my feelings hurt and I told him that I had noticed he was a bit distant the past few days and that I had seen that he had updated the profile and that that was a confirmation for me as to why he was distance. I told him that of course he's allowed to do so, but that I was starting to have feelings for him, so I need to take a step back so I don't get hurt.

He replied that he had not noticed being distant towards me and that he did not realize he had updated his profile and that the last match he had on the app was left on read. But even though he felt ty about my decision he would respect it.

So I had a night's sleep and realized my decision to step back only made me feel worse, so I messaged him the next morning that I took the time to think rationally and that I would like to continue to be in contact as usual. He did not reply, the next day I asked him if I should take the silence as him not wanting to continue. He replied the next day saying he was busy with work and that he really wished that would have done the whole thinking rationally before I had sent him that first text. I replied and acknowledged my mistake and asked him what had happened at work. He did not reply, the next day I sent him a funny video, as we usually send each other funny stuff. He has not replied since and that was last week Wednesday.

I know my behavior was confusing, I really like him and haven't clicked with someone like this in a while, should I just move on? Advice from the male perspective would be nice, but all advice is welcomed.

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Well....you got anxious and preemptively ended things with him. Unfortunately when you behave like that, most people will not take you back when you change your mind.

 

I don't think there is anything you can do here anymore as he clearly wants nothing more to do with you.

 

All you can do is take this as a lesson learned not to act on your anxieties and find better ways to soothe yourself when you are feeling like that. I'm sorry.

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Sorry to hear this. Yes, let it go. Backpedaling with 'relationship talks' after 2 dates is not helping. If he's a player just move forward. Reach out to friends, family, coworkers, classmates, etc and ask how people are doing.

 

Update Your profile and start messaging and video-chatting with men until you can meet in person. Delete and block him from the dating app as well as from other platforms.

Then one day I just had a feeling and decided to look on the dating app where we both met and I noticed he had updated his profile.
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The best advice I can give in this type of situation is to not get too hung up over someone you just met and you are just getting to know. At this point, you have been on a total of 2 dates with this guy and have sent back and forth several text messages. You have not yet spent enough time with him to know him very well; yes, thus far he has been the gentleman and you seem to get along, but it's still early yet. Tap the brakes as far as envisioning this guy as The One, you are not even close enough to the point at which you could possibly conclude this.

 

My advice, moving forward: allow him time to contact you, if he wants to. He's a big boy and you have already expressed your interest in chatting with him, now the ball is in his court. If he contacts you, great, if he doesn't, oh well.

 

Lastly, this is just something I advise for certain types of people: if you are the type of person who tends to get emotionally attached to someone you are sexually intimate with, my advice is that you hold off on sexual intimacy until you are at the point at which you are already in an exclusive relationship with that person. It's a way to better protect your heart (and will help curb irrational behavior such as monitoring their online activity and flip-flopping between pulling back/pushing forward)

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Also please remember that online dating is a massive opportunity for everyone, not just men, to meet and explore. Online daters typically decide whether to pursue someone after a month or so, and not the number of times you slept with them. Just be ready for that..

Let this one go. Unfortunately, this is something other people call "drama". Once the conversation of being exclusive takes place, thats the time you mutually set boundaries about online dating.

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I'm sorry you're going through this, bloempj.

 

He has since lost interest in you. After a couple of dates, he slept with you, got what he wanted and to him, you were just a romp in the hay or another notch on his belt. In other words, he used you. For him, it was about the chase, conquest and discarding you like yesterday's trash. :upset: He played you for a fool.

 

I agree with others, postpone sleeping with a guy, be more cautious and guard your heart. He's done with you. Move on and become wiser.

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Is this the same guy your previous thread was about? The guy who lives in Germany, while you live in the Netherlands?

 

It sounds like you get much too attached too early. No judgement here - I've suffered from this early over-attachment myself in the past and have had to work really hard to get over it.

 

One thing I'd definitely do is avoid this double texting, it's a big turn off: "He did not reply, the next day I asked him if I should take the silence as him not wanting to continue", "He did not reply, the next day I sent him a funny video".

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He likely sees you as a wishy-washy person, and a person who expects too much, too soon. Like someone else suggested, you might want to wait a few months to be intimate, possibly weeding out guys who are into short term relationships versus someone seeking a long term partner. Players usually don't have the patience to wait around getting to know you. I've read that when a woman has sex, hormones are released to cause her to want to bond with a man, whether he's good for her or not.

 

Get it out of your mind that you need to viciously guard your heart when dating in the way that you're going about it. For one thing, he wasn't doing anything unethical, so you should have kept your anxiety to yourself. The only control you have is to choose someone who lacks red flags, and to take a wait and see attitude, one day at a time, and eventually the truth of who he is will be revealed.

 

I was anxious myself when dating, because there are a lot of jerks in the world, but I think I did one thing right in this regard. When I was first dating my future husband, he worked Monday to Friday at the time, and for extra money, cleaned the three offices where he worked every Friday night. I barely knew him, and it crossed my mind that he could be dating someone else on those Friday nights, but didn't voice anything of that sort to him. I didn't know if he was a truthful person or a liar, and knew that time would tell if he was or wasn't doing that.

 

Turned out that he would often call me while cleaning and put it on speaker, and we'd talk for a good twenty minutes, so I figured he couldn't be ditching some lady at a restaurant table for 20 minutes. LOL

 

And later, when we were exclusive, me and his teen daughter actually went and helped him clean a couple of times so we could get it done quickly and go do something fun afterwards.

 

It's better to take risks and time will tell, as it happened with me. It takes a while to scratch the surface of who a person is, so don't project to the future. Enjoy each date for what it is, learning more about each other with each experience. If it doesn't pan out how you want it to, you will survive. We all get hurt when we put ourselves out there. Stop self-sabotaging. You never even let himself show you who he was before kicking him off the bus, and now he doesn't want to hop on for another bumpy ride. Learn from your mistakes for better dating success.

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After a couple of dates, he slept with you, got what he wanted and to him, you were just a romp in the hay or another notch on his belt. In other words, he used you.

 

I didn't get this impression, personally.

 

Maybe it's just me and my temperament, but when I was dating I had very little interest in people who were quick to make negative assumptions about me, as she did him. I was equally not interested in having to quell someone's anxiety and drastic shifts in mood, as she asked him to do. That is a lot of whiplash for two dates. I would inherently feel "played as a fool" to be put in the position she put him in, which was asking him to reward her sabotaging instincts and emotional 180s with affection and interest.

 

I don't say any of that to chastise you, OP. Dating is weird, and we all spaz out here and there. Best to figure out what causes those spastic responses—early sex, for instance—and make some different choices so there's room for both people to feel nervous and uncertain in the dance. Only way to figure out if you're good dance partners, you know?

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I didn't get this impression, personally.

 

Maybe it's just me and my temperament, but when I was dating I had very little interest in people who were quick to make negative assumptions about me, as she did him. I was equally not interested in having to quell someone's anxiety and drastic shifts in mood, as she asked him to do. That is a lot of whiplash for two dates. I would inherently feel "played as a fool" to be put in the position she put him in, which was asking him to reward her sabotaging instincts and emotional 180s with affection and interest.

 

I don't say any of that to chastise you, OP. Dating is weird, and we all spaz out here and there. Best to figure out what causes those spastic responses—early sex, for instance—and make some different choices so there's room for both people to feel nervous and uncertain in the dance. Only way to figure out if you're good dance partners, you know?

 

Some guys are like that. They got what they were after and they don't care. Next, they lose interest because their intentions were only insincere and temporary all along.

 

Harsh lesson learned especially for naive OP, bloempj. Choose men more wisely in the future. Haste makes waste. Pay attention to the quality of his character and values. Exercise discernment. Live and learn.

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It seems to me that he felt pressured and it was too much for him in the end. Having an exclusive conversation when you barely dated and then all this back and forth of text messages from you. When someone doesn't reply, don't sent a second message. I know it blows, but when someone wants to connect with you they find a way. (Happened to me.)

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Some guys are like that. They got what they were after and they don't care. Next, they lose interest because their intentions were only insincere and temporary all along.

 

Sure. As are some gals. But I just wouldn’t make that the lesson here, especially when it was OP, not the guy, who ended things. I get being bummed when that choice didn’t soothe a day later, but I don’t quite get where this becomes a lesson in being on the lookout for players.

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I call foul on the fact that he didn't know his profile was updated.

 

i do think you got anxious and I don't fault you for that. But if you bail on the situation, you need to be prepared to stand behind it. You can't come back and second guess yourself without appearing fickle or possibly trying to manipulate the situation.

 

Either way, from where I sit it looks like he wasn't on the same page as you. His veiled responses and agreeing to let you walk so easily suggests you gave him an out and he conveniently gets you to take all the responsibility for it.

 

IF you are someone inclined to get attached after being intimate with someone, don't put yourself in the position of sex with someone early on without a clear understanding of expectations.

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Sure. As are some gals. But I just wouldn’t make that the lesson here, especially when it was OP, not the guy, who ended things. I get being bummed when that choice didn’t soothe a day later, but I don’t quite get where this becomes a lesson in being on the lookout for players.

 

Lesson is not moving too fast after a couple of dates, sleeping with them and then it fizzles fast. Get to know a person first which takes a long time and patience. No surprise there. :upset: Live and learn the hard way and a harsh lesson you'll never forget.

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I actually disagree that we should automatically just assume that this guy only wanted sex. In my opinion at no point did he actually do anything wrong. He took her out on a couple of dates, then he cooked her dinner at his place a couple of times and they slept together. He was not stopping contact and continued to talk to her even though there was a lockdown and he couldn't even see her. So if he was only after sex wouldn't he have already begun ignoring her once lockdown started and he couldn't get sex?

 

In my opinion OP acted like she's "high maintenance" and she was the one who ended it with him, so what did he actually do wrong? The thing is yeah maybe he wasn't messaging constantly but as someone that has basically not left my house for four weeks, I know there is nothing actually going on and nothing to talk about. So maybe he wasn't messaging as much for that reason. Or maybe he was acting totally normal and OP was just paranoid.

 

Just because someone updated their profile doesn't mean anything. Sometimes when I was seeing someone I updated my profile coz I had a nice new photo to upload or wanted to write s new music artist I started liking or whatever. It's presumptuous to think that just because you had four dates with someone and you had sex that you are now actually a couple and that person can't use online dating at all. I understand if you're getting feelings for someone, you don't want to think about the fact that they're using the dating site. But OP logged onto the site too. Also in lockdown it's not like the guy had any guarantee that she wasn't talking to all these guys online. Unless you had a talk that you're actually a couple then really you don't know what that person's doing.

 

I think the fact that the guy did nothing wrong and then she accused him and ended it is obviously not a good look to him. I mean it's over now so he can choose to ignore her if he wants to because she ended it.

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I call foul on the fact that he didn't know his profile was updated.

 

i do think you got anxious and I don't fault you for that. But if you bail on the situation, you need to be prepared to stand behind it. You can't come back and second guess yourself without appearing fickle or possibly trying to manipulate the situation.

 

Either way, from where I sit it looks like he wasn't on the same page as you. His veiled responses and agreeing to let you walk so easily suggests you gave him an out and he conveniently gets you to take all the responsibility for it.

 

IF you are someone inclined to get attached after being intimate with someone, don't put yourself in the position of sex with someone early on without a clear understanding of expectations.

 

But I actually reckon if someone did that to me, I would think they're a bit too full-on and clingy and I would be put off by it. I don't think it means he wasn't on the same page because he continued talking to her in lock down. I mean in what other way could he show his interest when we are isolated? I mean yeah maybe he wasn't all like: "OMG I love you" but they'd actually only seen each other a few times! He was acting perfectly normal according to the situation!

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I understand the anxiety and nervousness. Sometimes we think we are sharing and being open by doing so, but it can be too much for some people.

 

Remember, when things are new, they are fragile and you want to keep somethings to yourself. Because you just don't know what this person is all about... Observe and listen to how things pan out. If actions match words.

 

It is a normal human need to have sex and want that, but its risky. Especially for women... the act itself is the man entering the woman's very body. How can something enter me and not become a part of me? So that is quite a powerful thing. It can go either way. beautiful part or an ugly part, but its hard to tell the difference, just as all humans struggle to see the true beauty and flaws within themselves. It becomes a reflection of ourselves, but does it? Maybe he's not that great.

 

Men can have an easier time separating it. They can have sex and see it as an experience that doesn't become a part of them.

 

But guys still have insecurities and don't want to be jerked around either. So when you say you're hurt and not sure, they"re more than liking going to believe you and up goes the wall.

 

And frankly, if the tables were reversed and you were here saying he ended it with you and then flip flopped shortly after, we'd be telling you to forget him. So keep that in mind.

 

In the future, the less said the better, keep things simple, observe and learn about them.

 

Anxiety etc, take that convo to your friends.

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So I met this guy on a dating app, we hit it off via text and went out on a couple of dates. He always a gentleman and we got along so well. He then invited me over to his house to cook me dinner. We slept together and the week after (This was right before the lockdown) I went over again and things were fine. So because of the lockdown, we continued talking via text, etc as usual. Then one day I just had a feeling and decided to look on the dating app where we both met and I noticed he had updated his profile. This really hurt my feelings even though I know he did nothing wrong because we have not had the conversation of being exclusive. But silly me panicked because I was afraid of getting my feelings hurt and I told him that I had noticed he was a bit distant the past few days and that I had seen that he had updated the profile and that that was a confirmation for me as to why he was distance. I told him that of course he's allowed to do so, but that I was starting to have feelings for him, so I need to take a step back so I don't get hurt.

He replied that he had not noticed being distant towards me and that he did not realize he had updated his profile and that the last match he had on the app was left on read. But even though he felt ty about my decision he would respect it.

So I had a night's sleep and realized my decision to step back only made me feel worse, so I messaged him the next morning that I took the time to think rationally and that I would like to continue to be in contact as usual. He did not reply, the next day I asked him if I should take the silence as him not wanting to continue. He replied the next day saying he was busy with work and that he really wished that would have done the whole thinking rationally before I had sent him that first text. I replied and acknowledged my mistake and asked him what had happened at work. He did not reply, the next day I sent him a funny video, as we usually send each other funny stuff. He has not replied since and that was last week Wednesday.

I know my behavior was confusing, I really like him and haven't clicked with someone like this in a while, should I just move on? Advice from the male perspective would be nice, but all advice is welcomed.

 

Hi-he is just doing what alot of men do on dating apps and in real life if they can get away with it--but it's easy to get away with on online dating--when i say 'men', i mean men who have low morals and empathy. So, i'm afraid he has just used you for sex and was probably doing the same to quite a few other women and maybe men too. It's very common online for men to try and have sex with as many people as possible but dress it up as them wanting a relationship or even a friendship with erm benefits. Welcome to the new world of low empathy..esp true for males. I would just cut him out of your life and learn from this. Try not to sleep with men so quickly or anything sexual, as they see it as a game online. It's painful and i am sorry, It's very hard for warm, kind caring people to navigate the cold world of online sex acts..sorry..i meant 'dating'

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Hi-he is just doing what alot of men do on dating apps and in real life if they can get away with it--but it's easy to get away with on online dating--when i say 'men', i mean men who have low morals and empathy. So, i'm afraid he has just used you for sex and was probably doing the same to quite a few other women and maybe men too. It's very common online for men to try and have sex with as many people as possible but dress it up as them wanting a relationship or even a friendship with erm benefits. Welcome to the new world of low empathy..esp true for males. I would just cut him out of your life and learn from this. Try not to sleep with men so quickly or anything sexual, as they see it as a game online. It's painful and i am sorry, It's very hard for warm, kind caring people to navigate the cold world of online sex acts..sorry..i meant 'dating'

 

I don't understand where people are getting that he just wanted sex. They were dating and he continued talking to her in lockdown, but she ended with him because he updated his profile. They had met only four times. I hardly think you would say they're in an actual relationship. And we don't know if he was sleeping with anyone else. In fact he probably wasn't because lockdown started. Yeah it's true some guys are just after sex but we don't exactly have evidence of it here in this situation. And also maybe to a lesser extent women can be just after sex too. My best friend was sleeping with a guy for 1.5 years just for FWB but he actually had feelings for her. And I was sleeping with a guy on and off for 2.5 years just for sex.

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OP it wasn’t that your messages were confusing. They were actually very clear.

It was imo more to do with the fact that you were insecure.

 

He wants someone secure within themself and you proved not to be. To him at least.

 

He is not a player in my book.

He was interested until he wasn’t.

And he was interested in you until he found something that was a deal breaker for him. Insecurity.

 

People date for a reason. That reason is to get to know someone. They only enter a relationship with someone once they have got to know them and like everything they know.

He was of course allowed to be on an online dating app and even update his profile.

You were not in a relationship, that didn’t mean he wasn’t still interested in you.

 

But he is not now.

 

And that’s ok.

 

Let him go and focus on why you became insecure . You didn’t become insecure when you saw him still online dating. You were insecure before that to check. That’s on you not him.

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There's zero indication the guy was a player or only in it for sex. There's every indication he heeded a big red flag. Three dates in and already trying to play the off-and-on-again game is a big "no thanks, chief" from me, and really it would be for any healthy, self-respecting guy. You acknowledge your insecurity and irrationality. No better time than now to work on yourself and learn to be happier on your own so that you can be happier while dating.

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There's zero indication the guy was a player or only in it for sex. There's every indication he heeded a big red flag. Three dates in and already trying to play the off-and-on-again game is a big "no thanks, chief" from me, and really it would be for any healthy, self-respecting guy. You acknowledge your insecurity and irrationality. No better time than now to work on yourself and learn to be happier on your own so that you can be happier while dating.

 

I agree. I don't see that either.

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So I met this guy on a dating app, we hit it off via text and went out on a couple of dates. He always a gentleman and we got along so well. He then invited me over to his house to cook me dinner. We slept together and the week after (This was right before the lockdown) I went over again and things were fine. So because of the lockdown, we continued talking via text, etc as usual. Then one day I just had a feeling and decided to look on the dating app where we both met and I noticed he had updated his profile. This really hurt my feelings even though I know he did nothing wrong because we have not had the conversation of being exclusive. But silly me panicked because I was afraid of getting my feelings hurt and I told him that I had noticed he was a bit distant the past few days and that I had seen that he had updated the profile and that that was a confirmation for me as to why he was distance. I told him that of course he's allowed to do so, but that I was starting to have feelings for him, so I need to take a step back so I don't get hurt.

He replied that he had not noticed being distant towards me and that he did not realize he had updated his profile and that the last match he had on the app was left on read. But even though he felt ty about my decision he would respect it.

So I had a night's sleep and realized my decision to step back only made me feel worse, so I messaged him the next morning that I took the time to think rationally and that I would like to continue to be in contact as usual. He did not reply, the next day I asked him if I should take the silence as him not wanting to continue. He replied the next day saying he was busy with work and that he really wished that would have done the whole thinking rationally before I had sent him that first text. I replied and acknowledged my mistake and asked him what had happened at work. He did not reply, the next day I sent him a funny video, as we usually send each other funny stuff. He has not replied since and that was last week Wednesday.

I know my behavior was confusing, I really like him and haven't clicked with someone like this in a while, should I just move on? Advice from the male perspective would be nice, but all advice is welcomed.

 

This right here. Except I don't think it's always as calculated as we think it is. It's entirely possible that he hadn't noticed he had pulled back because it came so naturally to him. Distance rarely happens before sex unless he has someone else on the line (that he also hasn't slept with yet) or has otherwise lost interest in favor of something else (not work, work is not interesting). Reading the post, he was already on his way out by the time she addressed this with him. . . I mean, it was Mission Accomplished for him so what more was to be gained by being attentive? It's silly to pursue something that is no longer elusive. Women, on the other hand, after sex, ramp up the attention at the time he's naturally pulling back, which is what happened here. Very common.

 

He didn't realize he had updated his profile? What, he did it in his sleep?

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