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What is going through his head?


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Hi Guys,


It's a bit of a long one and I need options and advice. I want you know I am happy, healthy and keep myself busy. This is just a predictment I would love to get some advice on.


I met N when we were 10 years old he always said 'I'm going to marry you when I'm older' He never denied I was his first love. We were just friends and used to play and hangout never anything more. Our friendship has always been open and easy going, we don't need to talk everyday and pick up from where we left off relationship. Flash forward were both at different universities and he's out one night and hear some girls (my supposedly friends that ditched me to out go) in the smoking area talk about me. My name is different so he heard and walked over and said are you talking about 'R' they were shocked and were like 'yeah how do you know her?' He told them I was his best friend and that night showed up at my Dorms to comfort me and see why I was having such a hard time.

He stayed with me for 1 month just hanging out and boosting my confidence up a little to be stronger around mean girls. I went to drop him off at his University and I met his girlfriend she of course was very threatened by me and was just very rude and mean to me which made him be mean towards her. I left to go hang out with his friends and they said 'you know you and N are destined for each other'.

I always just looked at our friendship as we want each other to do well, we lift each other up, we love each other but don't cross the line, even when were drunk it doesn't ever turn into flirting or anything.


So around the age of 21 I thought I met the love of my life G who was a insecure person who would constantly be getting drunk crying how I would leave him cause I'm so much better than him - which would make me constantly be trying to prove my love to him, while he was just out cheating on me the whole time. So on my birthday were all there and N comes along. He ends up hooking up with my friend which annoyed me because she had a boyfriend and starting crying on how he made her cheat on her boyfriend!! So I said to him I'm not mad but you just caused this drama on my birthday can you just make sure you go after the single one next time. Also when I go out with his friends they all started treating me like I was his even though he had a girlfriend which would bug me, however, when I was breaking up with my cheating boyfriend, N was always the best wing man and would introduce me to other guys....


At 22 I broke up with my ex and was celebrating tequila Tuesday with my girlfriend (who has a boyfriend of 6 years and lives with him) So I'm heart broken and drinking having a house party at N. At around 1am N pulls me over and says 'I love you I always have, let me prove to you we make sense, everyone can see it other than you. I really want to be with you. I would never treat you the way your ex has I would treat you so well etc.' I responded how I didn't want to complicate things and lose him as a friend. He responded - 'Let me take you out on a date, I'm very different on a date. See what happens and if it doesn't work out we have nothing to lose.' So I agreed we had a PECK on the lips and I went to bed. The next day it was my birthday party and he made some lame excuse he couldn't come. He then called him 2 hours later and told me the reason why he didn't want to come was because after I went to bed my girlfriend woke up and came onto him and they made out. So I said 'After so many years I agreed to go on a date with you, you said how you'd never cheat on me, treat me right how much you love and respect me but you make out with my best friend 30 minutes after I said yes to a date - imagine if We were actually dating. I think we shouldn't date and remain as friends because I don't want to be disappointed.'

At this point I just feel I'm a challenge now to him which upsets me.


At 23 I got into a relationship with a girl which shocked everyone - he was really acting strange so I knew he was finding it tough. He use to just say 'I'm waiting till your over this phase so we can get married' just weird more forward things to me. I stopped replying and answering his calls as it was disrespectful to my partner. I moved country and when I turned 24 he sent me a long email on how

stupid I am, how I've strung him along, I know how much he loves me I haven't given him a chance. We are meant to be together - come back home and be with him. I said I did give you a chance and you didn't take it seriously so its scared me.


We had no contact for 2/3 years after that


So I'm now single - he calls me out of the blue and we talk like we saw each other yesterday. He then declares his love for me again, how much he's grown up. All the events he's gone through how much he misses me. Said can you please fly back and see me - I need you (his dad was very ill). I made it clear that if I fly back I am only flying back for him. There was no other reason to fly back. He agreed and we spoke everyday for hours leading up to my flight. In that time I started to think more, my boundaries dropped, he had become really good-looking to me, I started daydreaming about him all that jazz.

So I land in our home country. I text him - 'I'm here'. He replies 'Great what are your plans?' like 4 hours later. I said 'waiting for you to pick me up' (we live 15minutes away from eachother)

No reply, no answering my calls nothing.

for 2 weeks dead silence. I was devastated he wasted my time and life.


Flew back home blocked him and that was it. 2 years later I get a phone call from my aunty who was on holiday in Thailand and she said 'Guess who I just saw now in a tiny market in Phuket NNN!' She said he looks awful like he's really going through a lot. Immediately after he texts me and said 'I honestly can't escape you. I'm sorry for what I did'

I just listened to him with my guard fully up now. He told me the reason why he didn't end up seeing me was because he got nervous and insecure he put on weight. Which makes nooooo sense to me as I've known him since we were 10 I've seen him at all shapes and sizes. He asked when I was coming back I was going back in a few months to be bridesmaid for a friends wedding. So I told him the dates that was that. In between those months he called me to catch up and he had mentioned he'd been on holiday nearly 5 times to the country I live in. He 'thought of texting and calling me but then felt awkward'


So I'm in UK he calls me when I land and says I'm going to make it all up to you I'm booking something special. I said 'I'm here for a wedding I have lots of parties to go too so you have to give me notice' He then calls me and says 'I've booked everything its for Sunday' I told him I can't do Sunday my wedding is on Saturday I will be exhausted and hungover. N said "no not taking no for an answer be ready and hungup'

Saturday the wedding went on till 6 am!! I was dead and hungover. I messaged him a picture of me and said I can't today I'm here for another week please lets do it then. He blocked me. No response after, didn't pick up my calls nothing.


2 years went by he randomly adds me on snapchat. I message him to see how he is and then get onto why he cut me off. He said he thought I cancelled on him as revenge. Which is just soooo stupid any other day would of been fine and I said give me notice. Also his dad passed away and he went off the rails a little and needed to heal. Fine were over it and were talking everyday I am starting to like him like him and I would like to go on a date with him and see where it goes. He know always flirts with me so I flirt back so he knows I'm interested but he still has to work for it.


I fly back over the year twice. Both times not seen me excuse - my girlfriend is insecure, not a good time, busy with work.


So I just send him a long email saying we lost 7 years of friendship for this nonsense, we could of just been friends having amazing memories but its all messy because of the 'what if we..' it clearly isn't going to work between us - like your dating another girl and saying all these things to me. I'm over it ether be a friend only or lets just call it quits'


NOTHING for a year


So I'm on holiday back in my hometown sitting in a outside bar I bump into N best friends. So we say hi all the formalities. Next thing I know N calls me on a new number as I had blocked him completely. Says I'm having a BBQ come over - didn't really respond. So the girlfriend I was with was like come on lets go for 1 drink at his you haven't seen him in 7 years. So at around 8pm we went over - lights off he's not even having a party he shows up after us in a uber. We go in and I can tell he is drunk drunk. I say Hi to his mum, we joke and she goes off somewhere. So were now hanging out in the kitchen, he starts telling me how he broke up with his girlfriend and just verbal vomitting. So I'm listening and keeping quiet. Then he sits down next to me and starts telling my friend - How he loves me, I'm the one who got away, how he wants to marry me. I was really taken back as I hadn't seen him in so long and he's saying this all to my friend who's a stranger. So she turned around and said 'ok what are you going to do about it then? You said you love her you want to marry her, she's here infant of you what are you going to do?' He said I am going to take this opportunity and make things right. He also started saying how I know he's the best I can get. Which annoyed me so I said you know what we'll talk tomorrow when your sober I got to go and I left.


Next day nothing

6months nothing

Then 2 days ago I'm stuck in my hometown cause of the virus he likes my post on LinkedIn. So I'm not going to lie I'm drunk on my couch and he likes my message and I have an impulse I call him and he picks up. We talk for about 5 hours. He says how I'm his weakness he's in relationships but wants me, how if I moved back home we'd be together, he loves me - Also the reason why he was so scared is because he doesn't trust me as my ex's all had trust issues with me he's worried I'd cheat on him - then I said but you've been declaring your love for me the whole time while being in relationships.. So I say ok do you want to see where this goes, friends or just cut it off now. He replies he wants to spend his whole life with me he can't imagine having kids with anyone else but me. So I say ok - 'Im here now, lets see how it goes.' He messages me next day all lovey lovey texts, flirting with me till 4pm. Now its radio silence.


What is he doing? When we spoke 2 days ago he said he wasn't being malicious or trying to hurt me and apologised so much for it. Said how when he left it for too long he got scared I'd be mad at him so just didn't want confrontation.


I feel upset because I'm starting to like him and daydream about him and the 'idea of us' so I feel like I have to now get over him if that makes sense.


I know I have to cut him off and just get over it. But what is his thought process behind all of this??

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Why are you with other people when you are in love with each other? Are you in a country/culture where it would be forbidden to be with him? These other people you and he are dating, sleeping with, etc are being used and understandably not on board with your undying love for each other.

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But what is his thought process behind all of this??


I suspect that a substance abuse problem is causing him to flake out and disappear like that. This is someone to love from a distance. Keep him at arm's length or you will be dragged down.

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I did think that and spoke to him about it. He doesn't do drugs, his mother lives with him and she's on the the ball she wouldn't have any of that. He has inherited a lot and running all the businesses so he is busy - but not enough to never text me. He travels a lot for work too I've seen pictures as proof but still I don't get it - he doesn't do drugs.

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But what is his thought process behind all of this??


This guy has treated you like crap for years.


You're the back-up plan when he's between other women or bored in whatever relationship he's in at the moment. Then he cries crocodile tears and tries to manipulate you into being his security blanket, with nonsense about him being in love and wanting to marry you. Honey, you have to stop believing him. He's never followed through on any of that in any serious capacity. He's not going to do it now, either.


Cut this guy off. He's been a toxic person in your life for far too long and you're wasting emotional energy on a guy who plays with your feelings and then drops you like a bad habit. There's no future with him.

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People who love each other and want to be together make it happen. He's all talk and no action. Over and over he's made plans and blown you off, slept with your friends, not followed through. he was ghosting you before we knew what ghosting was.


You are romanticize get this situation, into a "this guy has loved me my whole life but I only wanted friendship". From what you said, this is not true. You want him to be the man that fits that story. You've enjoyed his friends saying he loves you, and his flowery words, you are the only one I would have kids with. WHat the actual what?


This guy won't pick you and the kid up from the hospital.


I would have been out FOREVER at the point he left you at the airport.


So you're wondering what is he doing? He's being an ass. Jerking you around. A little cat and mouse game you guys have.... But the truth is, this is not love.

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I did think that and spoke to him about it. He doesn't do drugs, his mother lives with him and she's on the the ball she wouldn't have any of that. He has inherited a lot and running all the businesses so he is busy - but not enough to never text me. He travels a lot for work too I've seen pictures as proof but still I don't get it - he doesn't do drugs.


Alcohol is a drug.


Also, some people are very clever about hiding their addictions and can actually function pretty well despite them.


I know a woman who worked as a substitute teacher for years, all the while she was a heroin addict.


She hid it well. I didn't find out until after she went through rehab and NA.


She is not the only person I've met who's been able to do this.


But even if he's not an addict: the simple fact is that if he really wanted to be with you, he would not have spent these last 7+ years away from you.

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Every time he's promised to meet with you he has flaked.


Does that sound like true love to you?


And BS on he was nervous or scared or thought you didn't want him. HE flaked every time, not you.


He seems to like yanking your chain.


I would not even want someone like this as a friend. He's no friend.

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OK well all that aside, do you actually love him? Because to me it actually sounds like you don't. He has always professed his love for you and wanted to be with you. There must be a good reason why you never actually wanted to date him. When you love someone, you want to actually be with them. Someone doesn't have to keep begging and begging you for many years. So my guess is you don't actually love him.


I also think he has some pretty bad issues because all these behaviours he's been displaying are not exactly normal. It's not normal to keep saying he loves you but then kiss your friend, not pick you up at the airport, ignore you for months and years. Something just seriously doesn't add up. His behaviours are very odd.


I actually think your so-called friendship is toxic. And if he's in love with you then you can't actually be friends because he wants more than friendship. I think that you should just leave him alone for good. He's treated you bad and stood you up many times and he doesn't sound emotionally stable.

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