Jump to content

Jealous fiancé. what do i do?


kad03ink
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hello all, i am new to this site and the first time i have asked for help regarding my relationship. If anyone can help me with advice and pure honestly i would really appreciate it.

 

I have been with my now fianće for 8 years. We got engaged 6 months ago. When we first meet it was amazing apart from a few things that bothered me. My partner was overly jealous. She didn't like me walking to the shops, going out anywhere without her, talking to friends on the phone for to long. Even going to a restaurant had its difficulties as she would constantly accuse me of looking at other woman, even if they were sitting behind me. If im honest i accepted it because i love her so much. The real problems started two years into the relationship when families got involved. I come from a large very close family. I love and adore my parents and my siblings. At first my partner showed alot of effort with them and it meant the world to me. After a short while my mother, younger brother and younger sister would visit a couple of times a week and my partner would show less effort with them and basically start to show her discomfort by acting moody. Of course my mother and brother noticed this. I have made many excuses for my partner as i wouldnt want to upset my family. I have spoken to my partner 100s of times about this but nothing has changed. In her defence, she comes from a family that are not very close. She speaks to her mother once a week if that. She has no true friends which i find odd also. Another important note to make which is most shocking is that i am not welcome to her mothers house. We dont have any problems. We get on very well but for some reason they do not have visitors to there home. My mother on the other hand invites us as a family for dinner regularly but my partner makes excuses and does not attend 99% of the time. After several arguments about this situation she has now started coming up with the most ridiculous reasons for not liking my mother and my younger sister who is 5 years old by the way.

 

Here are a few of her reasons

 

Your younger brother kept asking for chrisps when they visited.

Your sister is makes a mess and your mother does not clean up her mess before she leaves (the mess being a few toys)

Your mother asked your older brother to cut her grass.

You speak to your mother to many times a week

 

I dont know if the problem here is that my siblings and i help our mother as much as we can and it makes her jealous or is it something else. Yes we are close as a family and yes we help our mother when ever she needs us. Our father died a few years back and it has been hard on us all. Is it so bad that we are helpful. Is it so bad that we all love each other and would do anything to make each other happy. Would this get better. Do i just hope she will realise she has a good man by her side. I have dedicated myself to her. I show her and her family love and respect. I do everything and anything to make her happy. Why am i not getting the same. Am i doing something wrong. Do i leave her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Did you post this question recently under a different user name? Your story sounds very familiar.

 

What has she said when you sat down and talked calmly with her? I'm presuming you two have discussed this.

 

Unless she thinks she needs to behave differently, she most likely will not change her behavior, particularly if she feels she is right and you are wrong.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow i was not expecting a response so quick. thank you. No i have never posted before. Yes we have discussed this several times. First she goes into defence, but after i explain how she acts and how i act she realises what she is doing wrong and says that she will change. But then she goes back to her old ways and goes into defence again

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry about all this. Can I ask how old you two are?

 

The impression your post gives is that you've spent a lot of time accommodating, and perhaps enabling, qualities in your finance that you don't much like or believe make for a compatible union. It's very hard to undo that, being honest. Her "old ways," after all, are the very ways you've spent eight years with, and proposed marriage to. Can only speak for myself, but when I'm positively rewarded for behavior it generally signals to my brain to keep behaving that way.

 

Is she aware, do you think, that you're considering leaving her over this?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello blusecastle. Thank you for your message.

 

I am 38 years old and so is my partner. I totally agree with what you have said.

My downfalls are that i am a very kind and reasonable person. I like to make people happy. I have hoped that the more i do to make her happy the more effort she would put in to make me happy. Which is only the family situation by the way. We get on very well other than that and i do love her incredibly. I know she also loves me but i question it when she treats my family badly. Its gotten so bad i cant given mention them in conversation without her pulling faces

 

Also yes i have threatened to leave her over this. Again she apologises and says she will change but then does not

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry i forgot to mention something very important. A few weeks ago i arranged for my mother and partner to meet for a coffee and talk. After their meeting my partner called me in tears saying she has realised how silly she has been. She was devastated by her actions. And again, a couple of days later back to square one. Mothers day just passed. I took her and her mother out for dinner. My partner didnt even send my mother a text!!!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She knows you won't really leave her. No consequences means no change.

 

How many times has she promised to change and not followed through?

 

What she's been doing works for her. She doesn't have to really make any changes and you don't leave.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nothing is going to change. She has shown you this, over and over. You should have ended this years ago! You have enabled her.

 

You need to stop making excuses for this woman. This has never been a healthy relationship, not only has she isolated you from your friends and social activities, but she is also isolating you from your family. She is controlling and manipulative. The bottom line, is that this is toxic and she is emotionally abusive.

 

This has nothing to do with her family dynamic, but all about who she is. You would really consider raising children with someone like this?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My downfalls are that i am a very kind and reasonable person. I like to make people happy. I have hoped that the more i do to make her happy the more effort she would put in to make me happy.

 

This sounds like a manipulative tactic to me. I can imagine him saying this “back of his hand laid against his forehead style.” Being kind and reasonable are not downfalls if you are doing them for the sake of a clean conscience and simple life. However, if your “good deeds” are done with expectations on somebody’s behavior attached to them...well if the other person doesn’t do what you want then yes, it will feel like a failure.

 

Not saying OP is a bad dude, it’s commendable to take the high road and try to be kind...but after a certain point you start playing martyr and that’s super unattractive. Plus it can backfire when the other person is keen to the fact that your “kindness” comes with a price and then they get defensive/resentful.

 

*If* any of that resonates with the OP it may be effective to have a talk with his partner to explain that he realizes this “nice martyr” role has been his dynamic, take ownership of it and apologize. He could say that he was doing the best he could do to get his point across in the best and kindest way he knew, because this family issue is supremely important to him. So important that he now sees it has genuinely come to threaten his desire to remain in the relationship. He feels obligated to tell it to her plainly now, so that they can have an opportunity to address the issue directly with a counselor, or any other measures they choose to take. He wants a chance to fix the issue before things go down in flames, because everything else is really good...and he really loves her.

 

A big ego could never do this, but relieving the other party of the entire burden/blame by acknowledging it takes two always makes further discussion a bit less adversarial and more solution oriented instead.

 

Best wishes!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is who she is, OP. She is not going to suddenly realize she has a good man and be kind and appreciative in the way you want. You know she's not interested in actually changing. Yeah, she gets a little shocked in the moment when she thinks you might walk and says all the "right" things, but since she knows you won't (or at least haven't, so far) she doesn't bother sticking to them. Knowing all of this, I am curious why you proposed?

 

She sounds like a miserable person, to be honest. Why does she not have any friends? Does she have any hobbies or interests outside the home, or are you her only entertainment? I am seeing a lot of negative projection on her part. She knows she has no real life or relationships apart from you, and it kills her that you do. So she pouts and stomps her feet about it, hoping you will continue to enable her poor behaviour so she doesn't have to deal with the reality that her own life is kind of crappy. And so far, it's worked.

 

At this point, you first need to ask yourself what you are truly prepared to do. It doesn't appear you really put your money where your mouth is. If you're not ready to call it off and break up with her over this, don't even bother threatening to do so. She doesn't take you seriously, so unless you are at the point where you are going to follow through and leave if nothing improves, you are going to simply be left with more of the same here. Also, you have to ask yourself what you want to see happen if she once again agrees to change. You know that her word doesn't mean much, either. Is counseling an option you two would consider? Or?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear this. Do you live together? If so your family is visiting way too much. Go there and stop allowing all these intrusions. Your partner should not have to entertain, pay for food and clean up after your family especially this often.

 

Why won't your family invite you over if you are that close? Why do they have no boundaries and intrude that often? Do not get married until you have extensive (premarital) counselling about appropriate family (in-law) boundaries.

a short while my mother, younger brother and younger sister would visit a couple of times a week
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This sounds like a manipulative tactic to me. I can imagine him saying this “back of his hand laid against his forehead style.” Being kind and reasonable are not downfalls if you are doing them for the sake of a clean conscience and simple life. However, if your “good deeds” are done with expectations on somebody’s behavior attached to them...well if the other person doesn’t do what you want then yes, it will feel like a failure.

 

Not saying OP is a bad dude, it’s commendable to take the high road and try to be kind...but after a certain point you start playing martyr and that’s super unattractive. Plus it can backfire when the other person is keen to the fact that your “kindness” comes with a price and then they get defensive/resentful.

 

*If* any of that resonates with the OP it may be effective to have a talk with his partner to explain that he realizes this “nice martyr” role has been his dynamic, take ownership of it and apologize. He could say that he was doing the best he could do to get his point across in the best and kindest way he knew, because this family issue is supremely important to him. So important that he now sees it has genuinely come to threaten his desire to remain in the relationship. He feels obligated to tell it to her plainly now, so that they can have an opportunity to address the issue directly with a counselor, or any other measures they choose to take. He wants a chance to fix the issue before things go down in flames, because everything else is really good...and he really loves her.

 

A big ego could never do this, but relieving the other party of the entire burden/blame by acknowledging it takes two always makes further discussion a bit less adversarial and more solution oriented instead.

 

Best wishes!

 

Agreed. The good guy vs. bad guy thing is for kids. Rise above it unless you find happiness in slavery (some do).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You've put up with this for 8 years, why would she change now?

 

You could tell her that the engagement is off unless and until the two of you resolve this through couples counseling. She can set the appointments with the counselor of her choice, and if she won't do that, you get to decide whether to stay in this thing or not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You've spent 8 years ignoring some huge red flags - controlling unhealthy behaviors, jealousy, accusations of doing impossible tasks like staring at women behind you (unless your head swivels 180 degrees), her lack of friendships and an independent social life of her own. Also, you are ignoring some flaming, massive incompatibilities - your family values and lifestyle v her family values and lifestyle. The fact that you are not welcome in her parents' home even though there are no issues between you should tell you something - your gf is no different. She doesn't fit into an open intertwined, your house is my house type of a relationship.

 

When your SO is asking you to choose between them and family, it's time to show your SO out the door. I know she isn't being quite that blatant with you, she is instead making your life hell and misery every single time you see your family. If you stay with her, eventually she will wear you down to where you have no friends, no family, and live in complete isolation with her. Is that really the life you want to live?

 

Jealousy isn't caring, OP, it's control. Also, someone who is intentionally and systematically manipulating you into isolation through the kind of punishing behavior that she engages in - that's emotional abuse and I wonder how much deeper it runs. Very hard for people to recognize and admit that they are in an abusive relationship when it's not as clear as being punched in the nose and more about these kinds of manipulative, punitive psychological games. What exactly do you love about this OP?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello everyone. I just want to thank you all for all messages. It is much appreciated. I have read through them all and ill try answer as much of the questions as i can.

 

My partner and i have been living together for 3 years.

 

Wiseman2 you have asked why my family doesn't invite us. Well this is the problem. My family invite us over for dinner regularly. But my partner makes excuses 99% of the time and does not go with me. My mother did visit a few times a week in the very beginning of our relationship when i moved in with my partner. This was out of excitement to get to know my partner. It like i said before after she noticed my partners actions that stopped. We have now been living in my own property for the last 3 years. My family feel very uncomfortable visiting because of the way my partner acts. They only visit once every 2 weeks. She causes problems with her actions every time

 

In terms of counselling, i would be very happy to commit to that. I have no other option at this point. I love her so much. As i said before we get on so well like best friends. But when family comes up she changes into something that i hate. I just want a happy life. No drama. I want us all to be happy.

 

Has anyone had any experience with couples counselling? The reason i am asking is because i did see a concealer when i was a teenager for depression. It did nothing for me. I literally sat in a room with this woman who did not advise me or help me in any sort of way. She only asked me questions about how i feel. Antidepressants did help!!! If only there was a pill out there to help my partner wake up !!!!!!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If your partner slapped you in the face and you gave her $20, do you think she would stop slapping you in the face? Or continue?

 

Let's say you cry and explain that the slaps to the face hurt and you want her to stop it or you won't give her the $20 anymore. She says she'll stop, but then the next day slaps you in the face again and you again give her $20.

 

What do you think she would do? What should YOU do?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I should end the relationship.

 

But im in love with her. I just want her to respect my family. The same way i do with her family even tho they also do me wrong. I want to be happy. I know that if things dont change i will have to walk away but at the same time i will be hurt more than ever

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Imagine that, instead of this being about her one day respecting your family, you were thinking that you just wanted her to grow a third arm. Then you could exhale, then you could be happy, and so on.

 

Well, it's kind of the same thing.

 

Maybe you've needed these 8 years to learn a very hard lesson: that when harmony is contingent on something that doesn't exist—but that might, some day, if you just hold your breath long enough—what you have is disharmony. Dig a little deeper, and I think you'll see that what you've been getting from this—a reinforcement of your self-conception as being kind and reasonable—comes at a cost when you need someone you think is mean and unreasonable to reflect that image of yourself back to you.

 

Tough stuff to contemplate, I know. Have contemplated a lot of tough stuff, on these fronts, in my own pursuit of partnership. But for everything you're getting right now, and have gotten, you're sincerely missing out on a truly profound and vulnerable feeling: the sense of truly accepting another person, not for who they might be, in your imagination, but who they actually are, day after day, before your eyes.

 

Here's the hard math to really spend some time with: ending this will mean one year of emotional devastation and uncertainty, followed by...well, whatever you want to make of life. Marrying her, on the other hand, will mean the past 8 years being the rest of your life. What choice would a kind and reasonable person make?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I come from a large very close family. I love and adore my parents and my siblings. At first my partner showed alot of effort with them and it meant the world to me. After a short while my mother, younger brother and younger sister would visit a couple of times a week and my partner would show less effort with them and basically start to show her discomfort by acting moody. Of course my mother and brother noticed this.

 

If my boyfriend's family members showed up a couple times a week, I would lose patience, too.

 

That's a lot. Once a week is a lot.

 

Clearly your girlfriend likes her space, as does her family. It says a lot that she has put her own preferences aside and tolerated this constant encroachment of your family into her personal space with apparently no appreciation for that effort from you.

 

You seem unable to accept that your family's constant presence is uncomfortable for her. Instead, you portray her as a petty, jealous person and yourself and your siblings as angels.

 

You threaten to break up with her if she doesn't allow your family to suffocate her.

 

If you are 'shocked' by her solitary disposition or find impossible to respect it and find compromise, then you must break up with her. Please do, in fact. For her sake.

 

Honestly, I'd be tearing my hair out if I was stuck there.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Excellent. She doesn't have to go. It could provide the ideal family-time for you and alone time for her. Look for solutions and compromises not you and your family or the highway. All of you are ganging up on her and alienating her. Just stop. Never shove your family down anyone's throat. That is bound to cause conflict.

 

Do not marry without extensive premarital counselling regarding boundaries and cutting apron strings. In-laws cause an inordinate amount of problems in marriages, precisely for the reasons you mention. Way too much intrusion. Her vs you and them mentality.

My family invite us over for dinner regularly. But my partner makes excuses 99% of the time and does not go with me.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for your message jibralta. I just want to make it clear so there is no confusion. As stated in previous post my family would visit regularly in the very beginning (first few months of our relationship. After that they only visit once every two weeks. My partner still acts very moody and isolates herself. In your opinion is showing respect and love in this short amount of time to make this relationship work unreasonable. If you have read my previous post you will see that i am not welcome to her family home even tho we get on well. If i act the way my partner does towards for family would that be a good thing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for your message jibralta. I just want to make it clear so there is no confusion. As stated in previous post my family would visit regularly in the very beginning (first few months of our relationship. After that they only visit once every two weeks. My partner still acts very moody and isolates herself. In your opinion is showing respect and love in this short amount of time to make this relationship work unreasonable. If you have read my previous post you will see that i am not welcome to her family home even tho we get on well. If i act the way my partner does towards for family would that be a good thing.

 

Honestly, you are a bit too old to be thinking love conquers all, including massive issues and incompatibilities between two people. At this point, it's not love on your end, it's codependence. Look it up.

 

Blindly ignoring all the issues to your own detriment doesn't make you a kind and caring person, it makes you a martyr. Not a pretty look on anyone. Not very healthy either. A more blunt way of repeating what Blue said earlier that it's high time for you to look within into what's driving this kind of behavior and whether you want to continue with that for the rest of your life or fix your issues.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Your families are way too involved. Neither of you are ready to get married if you are this attached to your families and already bickering about it. Are you from different cultures or socioeconomic or religious backgrounds? Clearly it's not a given that a man and his family will do things in lock-step against his gf and she must kowtow to them.

I I just want her to respect my family. The same way i do with her family even tho they also do me wrong.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, you are a bit too old to be thinking love conquers all, including massive issues and incompatibilities between two people. At this point, it's not love on your end, it's codependence. Look it up.

 

Blindly ignoring all the issues to your own detriment doesn't make you a kind and caring person, it makes you a martyr. Not a pretty look on anyone. Not very healthy either. A more blunt way of repeating what Blue said earlier that it's high time for you to look within into what's driving this kind of behavior and whether you want to continue with that for the rest of your life or fix your issues.

 

Yes, this: blunter and clearer than what I was trying to say.

 

Your framing of this is telling, in that you contextualized the family stuff with a flashback to the early years, when she was jealous about other women, didn't like you going into shops alone, all that. It's a nice sentiment to say you "accepted it because I love her so much," but it's also a falsehood. You didn't accept it, and the resentment is showing.

 

A less poetic way to explain all that? You saw, very early, behavior in hers that you deemed trivial and petty and controlling—far from the stuff of a stable, joyous romantic union. But "giving in" to it allowed you to feel good and caring and noble—the martyr stuff. Good for the ego, bad for the spirit, terrible for authentic connectivity.

 

Or, another way to think about this? When we are fixated on getting someone to change it's generally because we're avoiding changing ourselves. Your path to freedom here? It's likely looking within, and seeing where you can change, but that path means letting go of the self-affirming poetics and putting your own choices under the lights of the surgical table.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is just my perspective.

 

I come from a smaller family too. I would not be okay with how you are doings things. Don't get me wrong, many women wouldn't find an issue, but some people (myself included) are not into the family coming over as much as this.

Lots of adults prefer to have their own life. I sincerely sympathize with your mother, I truly do. But she is coming over heaps and too often in my book.

She really ought to be finding her own way and not leaning on your to this degree.

I honestly can understand why your girlfriend is getting so uncomfortable

 

You and she are meant to be making a life together. That doesn't include having your family over every few days are going to dinner all the time.

For someone who is from a smaller family and an introvert, this is exhausting.

 

You keep touting it as jealousy, but it can be an exhausting exercise for someone who isn't used to it and does not care for the whole family dynamic to this degree.

As for her mother not inviting you over, that too can be something that happens due to HER mother. She might be an anxious type of person, she might be someone who doesn't like others in her space, she might find it hard to entertain people...etc, etc.

There could be a million different reasons...but why do you take it personally?

It doesn't sound personal. It sounds like a woman who is not into the whole visiting, seeing the family all the time like you are.

And that's okay.

 

I'm not going to villainize your girlfriend. Because my personality is similar to hers. I would find it exhausting to have to see your family over and over all the time like this. I would be asking why they can't stay home or why you feel the need to be over there all the time.

I'm just being honest.

 

You two are incompatible in that way.

You either accept how it is and somehow work to fix it by changing things and not having your family over so much or you find a new girlfriend.

Honestly, there is no other choices here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...