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Please read, really need advice


grsandy

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Alright I would really like to know what YOU would do if you were in my situation. It's driving me bonkers and I feel like I have been overthinking it so much that I can't even see the situation clearly anymore. A fresh perspective would really help me here.

 

So I have a friend. He and I have known each other since high school and we're in our twenties now. I had crush on him all through high school but I was so shy I never did anything about it, and I never told anyone. Then in college we kind of reconnected, and became better friends. 3 years ago I bit the bullet and told him I liked him. He rejected me and said he hoped it wouldn't ruin our friendship. He did not tell me why he was not interested.

 

Ever since then, we've actually become even closer friends. And my feelings have not gone away no matter what I've tried. I've gotten on a health-kick eating clean and working out, throwing myself into school and making new friends, and I've dated other guys. But every time I feel like I've moved on, he says something flirty or does something incredibly nice for me. All our mutual friends are convinced that he likes me, but I just don't know.

 

This is where I get confused. He is an extremely difficult person to read. He is quite guarded, not experienced with girls whatsoever, and not very good at communicating. Sometimes he says things that make me positive that he does NOT see me as more than a friend, but then sometimes he says really nice things or drives hours and hours to see me. But then he opens my Snapchats and doesn't reply, or he'll ghost me for weeks. All of this confuses me so much, and it's causing me pain because of course my ego wants to believe he has changed his mind, but then I convince myself that it's just wishful thinking and I'm just imagining it, and that I am strictly a friend to him.

 

I'm not asking if you think he likes me or not - I think that is impossible to tell through the internet. I witness how he interacts with me in person and even I have no idea. I'm asking what you would do if you were in my situation. We share a friend group and have many events and trips planned in the future, so I will not be able to avoid him if I do something to make things awkward. He is also SO difficult to talk to about anything involving feelings, he just shuts down and gets all awkward.

 

I do not really want to tell him that my feelings haven't gone away, because I don't want to push. He said he did not have mutual feelings and that's that. I teeter back and forth between having enough self worth to say "I deserve someone who wants me as much as I want them" and "I literally have stronger feelings for him than anyone I've ever met, and no one else holds my interest like he does".

 

It hurts a lot to be this confused, so please if you've been through something similar or have a clear idea of what I should do, I'm all ears. I do not want to continue like this, being his friend and shoving my feelings down, obsessing over how he feels about me, because it's not healthy. But I don't know the next steps to take. Give up or keep hanging on? It would probably be healthier for me if I cut him out of my life entirely, but like I said, it's not really possible when i will have to see him constantly with our friends.

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Great you are enjoying college and staying fit, healthy, etc. Now all you need to do is step into your real life and stop replacing that with a fantasy guy. Yes living an a pretend world of "my friends think..." is easier than dealing with real relationships.

 

After all you can't get hurt when you're already hurting or get rejected when you're already rejected. Living in a world of hiding behind a crush makes you feel safe, yet you are missing out on real life.

 

He is not hard to read at all. He was crystal clear that it's just friends.

3 years ago I bit the bullet and told him I liked him. He rejected me and said he hoped it wouldn't ruin our friendship.
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  • 2 weeks later...
It would probably be healthier for me if I cut him out of my life entirely

 

 

You answered your own question right there. I think that, deep down, you know what it is that you SHOULD do for your own mental well-being, but at the same time it is something you are reluctant to do because you have a crush on this person and there is still a small hope that he will one day change his mind.

 

I will tell you this: it is very, very unwise to continue to live your life based on a small hope. Especially when you have been told outright that the person in question is not romantically interested.

 

The hard truth is that you cannot be friends with this person. At least, not while you harbor romantic feelings for him. In order for friendship to succeed, BOTH individuals must be able to set, maintain, and recognize platonic boundaries with one another. Harboring non-platonic feelings for him is crossing a boundary, therefore, friendship with him is not possible. The best thing you can do for yourself is to heed your own inner advice and cut him out of your life. Yes, this will mean bowing out of group activities that he will be a part of, but you can always make plans with your friends that do not include him. You also mentioned having made additional friends while in college, spend time with them too.

 

Perhaps, in time, when you have fully moved on and the feelings are no longer there, you may revisit the friendship with him. For now, it is best to keep your distance for your own well-being and so that you may truly allow yourself to move on.

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I drive hours all the time to visit high school and college buddies. He knows you like him or did. And if he likes you, he knows where and how to find you. He's not interested in being your romantic partner.

 

Step back, and think why you are even interested in someone who can't be in a relationship - plenty of times, people have this need to fix broken birds, and you may see him as someone to fix or be his 1st for everything. Pass on this. The right guy will want you, and won't ever make you guess that they want you.

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If I were you.... I would do more to make new and different groups of friends. Hang with other people. Distance yourself from him and that group of friends.

 

Don't explain it to him or anyone else, just be busy with other things

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