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Insecure about husband's female friend


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My husband, who is an introvert has become very good friends with a female coworker at a new job.

 

I noticed that he was chatting a lot with his coworker on his work chat and asked him about her. I've actually asked him about her before and specifically asked if he goes for lunch with her and he said no -- but I found out while reading his chats that they have been going for lunch together everyday for the past 3 months.

 

I feel very betrayed and have lost trust in him.Till today I never thought we had any problems and thought of him as my best friend. He is a good guy, and takes good care of our family.

 

He says they mostly talk about what they are working on and some personal stuff here and there. He says they are good work friends and he never thinks of her in any other way. But he doesn't chat with any of his other co-workers like this.

 

I know work friends are important for support at work and I'm happy that he made a friend but I'm feeling extremely insecure and jealous about their friendship, maybe because he lied about it and also because he has never had any other super close female friends before!

 

I feel now that he is bonding with her over work and has become distant with me in these past few months and stopped talking about work with me.

 

Am I overreacting?

How can I get over my insecurity and trust him again?

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Has he explained why he lied about it? It seems you fear they are having an emotional affair or more. You need to confront that. Reading his texts came from a point of unhappiness and disconnect in your marriage that you need to address.

asked if he goes for lunch with her and he said no -- but I found out while reading his chats that they have been going for lunch together everyday for the past 3 months.
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No, you are not overreacting. Also, this isn't you being insecure, this is your intuition ringing alarm bells and you should listen to it.

 

Sure he has had other friends, but this friendship is different and this friendship he is lying about, and this friendship is creating a rift between you. You absolutely have serious cause for concern because this is how affairs start.

 

Contrary to popular belief, affairs don't start because there is a big problem in the marriage (the ever convenient lie) they start with this kind of friendship that leads to emotional bonding that leads to more - she is new and exciting, the wife is well known. New shiny things are always more exciting than the usual. Human nature.

 

Forget playing nice. You need to sit down and have a serious conversation about boundaries, put your foot down and nip this in the bud. It's not that he can't be friends, it's how far he can take that friendship or not. He's crossed some lines and he lied. You two need to talk asap.

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I noticed that he was chatting a lot with his coworker on his work chat and asked him about her. I've actually asked him about her before and specifically asked if he goes for lunch with her and he said no -- but I found out while reading his chats that they have been going for lunch together everyday for the past 3 months.

 

I feel now that he is bonding with her over work and has become distant with me in these past few months and stopped talking about work with me.

Am I overreacting?

How can I get over my insecurity and trust him again?

 

 

I have no problem with opposite gender friendships IF 1. Everything is above board 2. There is NO lying going on 3. It doesn't in any way impact your marriage/primary relationship.

 

You are right to feel insecure over these- because he has broken ALL THREE of these rules. He hasn't been honest about her. He should have made sure you were comfortable with going to lunch with her. He lied about going at ALL and the frequency with which they were going. To me, every day signals something more. I am married and have close male friends BUT- my husband always knows when I am hanging out with them, where we are going and for how long. I NEVER have to lie to him about anything, because they really ARE just friendships. He is also always invited to join. And even with my best friend who is male- I still don't see him or talk to him EVERY day!

 

And I certainly don't avoid my husband or omit what I did with my friends. It doesn't impact our marriage if I go to the arcade or movies or out to lunch with one of my friends.

 

I'm very sorry to tell you that this sounds like more than friendship. He flat out lied. And people don't go out with mere co-workers EVERY day. You have a right to be concerned. I do not think in this instance you are insecure, I think you are wise to be worried, especially now that he's avoiding talking about it and is distant with you. IMVHO, this is at LEAST an emotional affair.

 

You are going to have to decide if you want to live in the dark and assume the best. OR if you want the truth. Understand that if you DO want the truth- you will have to have a difficult conversation, you may not like what you will hear and this may leave you with an even bigger decision to make. Ignorance can be bliss. Reality is much more complicated. But you need to decide which you would rather have.

 

Good luck!

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He lied. Lying is something that needs serious addressing.

 

No, you're not overreacting. I wouldn't appreciate it if my husband were having lunch with his female colleague 1:1. No way. Group settings are ok but not 1:1 lunch outings. A married person needs to have their own moral code whenever their spouse isn't looking over their shoulder and conduct oneself honorably. It's called respecting their spouse and behaving with common decency, common courtesy and class.

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Am I overreacting?

 

No. If he lied to you about something you're concerned about, you should be worried.

 

How can I get over my insecurity and trust him again?

 

I don't think you should. I think you should go with your gut and investigate until you've uncovered the truth. Then go from there.

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IMO... He's well on his way to being in a reciprocal emotional affair. Ask him to bring her over for a drink so you can meet her too, (might have to wait until social distancing is over with) that if she's just a friend, then you'd like to be included... then see what he has to say. Then let us know. In the meantime, google "Emotional Affair" and educate yourself... highlight anything that applies and if he denies your request to meet her, then start showing him what you've found and how these affairs can end up playing out.

 

I'm surprised that he is even still at work. Does he work in a business that has been mandated as an essential service?

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If he mixed it up and always did lunch with a different coworker, that's one thing, but a) he lied b) this is every day for months.

 

He is either clueless and doesn't have boundaries she is pushy or he doesn't care about your feelings

 

I would just not "try not be insecure" but lay it out there "i don't think its appropriate for a married person to have lunch every single day with someone of the opposite sex you are not related to and believe you feel the same way because you lied about it."

 

honestly, aren't we in "stay at home orders"? Or did this stop recently because of this?

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