How to move on after being involved in a triangle type situation.

[ConfusedL]

I need some advice from some people who have been through the same situation I went through. I recently found myself in a bit of a triangle type situation. I don't want to bore you with too many details so I'll try to make it as brief as possible. I met a girl in a gaming group that we are both members of and we became friends. We had a mutual friend in the group well at least I thought they were just friends I found out latter they were more than friends. She lives in England and me and the other guy both live in America different states on the opposite side of the country. Two months after I met her my father took I'll and I stayed in the hospital with him and my mom because I didn't want her to be there alone incase something happened. We texted everyday while I was there and grew closer and I started to have feelings for her I still didn't know she was with the other guy at this point. On the way home from the hospital while we were texting she said the she missed me I asked her why did she miss me I texted her all day everyday I was there she said yeah but I missed your voice. Over the course of the next month we got even closer and ended up having that conversation where I told her I liked her and she said she liked me too and mentioned she had a bond with the other guy that I inturpeted to be a friendship type bond because she never gave me a reason to believe otherwise. I should mention this whole time we all hungout together pretty much everyday and I still didn't know I guess I pretty stupid for not knowing. A month went by after that conversation and I felt like we were connecting and getting to know each other I wish I could post our DM's so I could get other peoples opinions on them. We talked about her coming to visit me and do things I thought were romantic like cuddling and watching movies amoung other things again I wish I could post our DM's. I was having a bad day one day and didn't talk much while we were playing and she noticed so after I texted her and appologised and told her I was feeling down on myself said that I could always talk to her and called us friends which broke my heart into a million pieces. I confronted her two days latter and told her that it made me sad that she lied to me when she said she liked me and then led me on for a month. She told me she was with the other guy and that she was into him. She still wants to be friends but I told her I couldn't be just friends because my feelings would still be there so it wouldn't be fair to me. Now I feel hurt and sad and I feel like a pathetic undateable loser but I also feel bad that I put her in that situation where two guys liked her and she had to choose one over the other. She said she cared about me and that I meant a lot to her she even texted me on my birthday and reached out to see how I was doing during this corona virus thing I had her blocked on discord at the time so had to ask a friend of mine to ask me for her. I also texted her on her birthday because I still care about her and she meant a lot to me too. I've tried to move on but something always comes along and makes me think about her again. Sorry this is so long.

[JenCrowley]

I am sorry that you are hurting and feeling down. The only sage advice that I can offer you is to not give your heart so readily to someone you have never met in person. In the virtual world, people have the ability to hide a lot about themselves and can make themselves out to be someone they are really not. It's impossible to gauge who a person REALLY is and to have genuine feelings for the REAL person, when only engaging within a virtual/telecommunitive setting.

 

The truth of the matter is, you fell for the idea or the fantasy of the person you imagined her to be, using the DM's/texts/game chats to help build the fantasy. Then, when you learned information that suddenly didn't fit in line with the fantasy you had built up, you felt crushed as the realization set in that the fantasy wasn't real.

 

As far as moving on, the best way to go about this is to stop reaching out to her and to involve yourself in activities you enjoy. Do something other than gaming for awhile as this activity would probably be too much of a reminder of the past. As time goes on, you will think about her less and less, and soon you'll be back to feeling like yourself again.

[ConfusedL]

Thanks for your advice I have already cut down on playing videos games. I personally don't think it was a fantasy and I don't appreciate you telling me that I led myself on and giving her a pass. Like I said if only you could read the DM's they weren't one sided as you assumed. I sorry you don't understand that but it was as real as any other online dating situation. About the part about who she really was she didn't really give me a chance to but we were starting to get to know each other. We knew things about each other and sent each other selfies she even talked about moving to American when she was done with University shes 32 I'm 31 and the other guy is 42. when I asked her where she was going to move to she said she wasn't sure yet. Anyway I appreciate your advice but you don't seem to have any experience in online dating.

[MissCanuck]

Unfortunately, this is why getting attached to someone you have never met isn't wise. You don't genuinely know the person on a deep level, as you're now discovering.

 

Online dating just isn't dating, my friend. I don't mean to dismiss your feelings but you are all old enough to recognize that chatting with someone a lot is not the same as actually going on dates and developing a romantic connection you can foster in the flesh. She should not have been flirting with you or making any plans to meet you when she has evidently already "committed" herself to someone else; that was not cool of her. But again, this is the risk one takes when you can only rely on digital communication. It's so easy for someone to hide things this way.

 

I would follow the advice given to you above. Get involved in other activities, and maybe unplug from gaming for a while. It's a tempting escape for many, I realize, but it's too risky when your heart gets in the way. It would be best to cut ties with this woman, as it's clearly not going to go anywhere. Stick to dating locally with women you can regularly meet in person and really get to know.

[JenCrowley]

Thanks for your advice I have already cut down on playing videos games. I personally don't think it was a fantasy and I don't appreciate you telling me that I led myself on and giving her a pass. Like I said if only you could read the DM's they weren't one sided as you assumed. I sorry you don't understand that but it was as real as any other online dating situation. About the part about who she really was she didn't really give me a chance to but we were starting to get to know each other. We knew things about each other and sent each other selfies she even talked about moving to American when she was done with University shes 32 I'm 31 and the other guy is 42. when I asked her where she was going to move to she said she wasn't sure yet. Anyway I appreciate your advice but you don't seem to have any experience in online dating.

 

 

 

No problem, I hope that you take the advice to heart. I do want to clarify a couple things: I'm not giving this girl a "pass" per se, as I did make it clear in my post that people have the ability to hide a lot about themselves and can make themselves out to be someone they aren't within a virtual setting. It's never okay to lie or to pretend to be someone you're not, so no, she doesn't get a pass for doing either of those things.

 

As for the fantasy, what I mean by that is the fantasy of the person you imagined her to be, what you had built up of her in your head. The Dms/texts/game chats, yes, those are all real and I'm not referring to them specifically. What I'm referring to is the actual person. In your mind, you had built her up to be someone who only had eyes for you, who was just friends with the other guy, who viewed you as more than "just friends". The moment you learned otherwise, you found yourself hurt and disappointed that this did not fit in line with what you had previously thought.

[ConfusedL]

@MissCanuck Thank your for your advice and taking the time to reply. I get what you're saying about the going on dates thing but she lived on the other side of the world so we couldn't do that. I also agree that she shouldn't have texted me the way she did and talked about coming to visit me. I wondered why she would want to come visit me clear on the other side of the world if I was just a friend. If you don't mind me asking do you or your friends ever text guys who are just friends until 2:30am or before your go to sleep or text them because you can't sleep? Those are some of the things she would do which is why I guess I got mixed messages. As for the local dating thing if I could do that I wouldn't be 31 and single lol.

[boltnrun]

I'm currently in a long text conversation with a good male friend of mine. We've been messaging for over two hours.

 

I do not want to date him. He is a friend.

[MissCanuck]

I get what you're saying about the going on dates thing but she lived on the other side of the world so we couldn't do that.

That's exactly my point. You can't go on dates; hence, you're not dating.

 

If you don't mind me asking do you or your friends ever text guys who are just friends until 2:30am or before your go to sleep or text them because you can't sleep?

I have a couple of dear guy friends who I can text any time, though I am generally not awake until 2:30am. I am in a relationship, and so are they. We are not talking about anything inappropriate, so there's nothing untoward about chatting with them.

 

Having said that, there are also people who constantly want attention and are glued to their devices, looking to fill their time. I think that's what you have with this woman. Most adult women are not going to be interested in "being with" a guy who lives across the world and can't meet with in person - unless they're the type who need that constant validation, and turn to their digital platforms to supply it when real life gets dull.

 

I can agree she sent mixed messages. However, this is also why it's crucial not to invest emotionally in someone who lives this far away and with whom you have had zero offline interaction. It's generally a colossal waste of your time and feelings.

[catfeeder]

A bunch of words on a screen from a total stranger can be imbued with whatever degree of meaning or value YOU want to give them. So make the choice that best helps you to move forward: you can either minimize the exchange and choose to become stronger and smarter from the experience, which will buy you more confidence in our own judgment, or you can drill yourself into a deeper emotional hole to climb out of--for zero payoff.

 

It's a decision. Choose wisely.

[ConfusedL]

@MissCanuck While I understand and appreciate your example your situation is different from mine as in yours both sides saw each other as just friends and in my situation I saw her as more than a friend and she only saw me as a friend even though I didn't know it at the time. Your advice has been very helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me. To give you more insight into the situation I'll share a part of a conversation we had keep in mind this was after I told her how I felt about her.

 

Me: How's your movie?

Her: It's good so far. It's quite funny lol.

Me: Is it all romantic and stuff lol?

Her: A little bit hehe. Nothing with a bit of romance!

Me: Lol if you say so.(laughing emoji)

Her: I do say so. Lol. And this is as close as I'm getting to it.( 3 laughing emojis)

Me: Lol am I not romantic enough for you.(laughing emoji)

Her: Of course. But you're not here to do all the lovey dovey stuff lol.(2 laughing emojis)

Me: I'm sorry I'll do all the lovey dovey romantic stuff when you come visit.

Her Oh yeah? Like what? Hehe

Me I don't know whatever the lovey dovey romantic stuff is.(laughing emoji)

Her: lol. You must have some ideas.(2 laughing emojis)

Me: Nope I got nothing lol but I'm sure I'll think of something.

Her: You got time to think about it(2 laughing emojis) you'll have to watch some films to get some inspiration lol

Me: you're going to make me do homework.(laughing emoji)

Her: It's fun homework haha I promise(tounge sticking out emoji)

Me: Lol ok I'll do my homework.(laughing emoji)

Her: Haha. I look forward to seeing you get an A+(tounge sticking out emoji)

Me: Lol no pressure(laughing emoji)

Her: You'll smash it hunny(smiling emoji)

 

The part about you have time was she was going to come visit me next year.

[MissCanuck]

@MissCanuck While I understand and appreciate your example your situation is different from mine as in yours both sides saw each other as just friends

Yes, I realize that - which is why I also said this: "there are also people who constantly want attention and are glued to their devices, looking to fill their time. I think that's what you have with this woman. Most adult women are not going to be interested in "being with" a guy who lives across the world and can't meet with in person - unless they're the type who need that constant validation, and turn to their digital platforms to supply it when real life gets dull."

 

The conversation you typed out above supports what I said, in my opinion. She was just looking for some attention.

[ConfusedL]

Thank you everyone who replied. You've convinced me that this was all my fault. Like @MissCanuck said I led myself on I was just too stupid to see it I take full responsibility for what happened. I've learned my lesson and will never try and put myself out there again. I'm 31 and never been in a relationship if something was going to happen it would have happened already so I guess I'll just give up.

[MissCanuck]

I don't see why you would give up. You're only 31. Yes, it's on the older side to have never had a relationship but it's far from too old to find the right person for you.

 

But putting yourself out there is not trying to strike something up with an online woman who lives across the globe. The logistics there were working against you from the very beginning. That's like going to McDonalds and being upset at their lack of sirloin steaks. You have to better your odds by working in a context that's conducive to getting the results you want.

 

Do you try to date locally?

[ConfusedL]

Your analogy doesn't make sense to me I wasn't looking for a relationship it was something that just happened we met became friends and I started having feelings for her and ruined everything. I don't date locally I live in a really small town I don't drink so I don't got to bars or clubs so it's hard for me to meet people. I don't really have friends to meet someone through. I also had a bad experience with a girl in JR High who kind of dated me for a week I found out later that she only did it because she felt bad for me. I didn't trust another girl again until I met this last one. I'm obviously too screwed up to be in a relationship anyway.

[MissCanuck]

Yes, if you’re 31 now and still hanging on to a bad experience from junior high, there are some deeper issues to explore. The same goes for a lack of friends. What’s going on there?

 

Being socially isolated can make nearly any positive interaction seem like a good option, and I suspect that’s what happened with this woman. You placed your trust in someone you’ve never met. That’s not usually a wise choice. No matter how much you might communicate with someone online, you don’t really know them until you’ve spent time together in person. I know you were excited by the potential but there was little tangible reason to trust this woman or pin your hopes on her.

[ConfusedL]

I don't necessarily have a lack of friends more of a lack of close friends. I'm the kind of person who makes friends easily just none of them ever become close friends nor do they ever invite me to do things with them. I'm a very shy introverted person until I warm up to people then I become more extroverted. I obviously have some sort of commitment issues or abandonment issues or something. I just have way too many issues and can't be fixed so it's probably best that I just give up and just be sad and lonely forever. Also what you said about any positive interaction seeming like a good option makes me sound desperate and pathetic I'm not that desperate I may be pathetic but I'm not desperate. Spending time together in person was something we planed on doing which was one of the things that got me confused why would she come all this way to see someone that was just a friend. I guess I took that as meaning something more than it really was. She gave me a lot of reasons to get my hopes up like calling me cutie and telling me I make her blush but I guess that just what girls say to their guy friends. You're not going to charge me for these therapy sessions are you lol.

[ConfusedL]

Should I message her and apologize for not taking responsibility for what happened instead of letting her take all the blame for what happened? I only took half the blame I should have taken all the blame.

[JenCrowley]

Should I message her and apologize for not taking responsibility for what happened instead of letting her take all the blame for what happened? I only took half the blame I should have taken all the blame.

 

I advise against reaching out to her and attempting to contact her at all as this will only hinder you from moving forward in the emotional healing process. No contact is the key to allow for self-healing and to eventually move on. Put your efforts into other things: hobbies, family, work, etc. If you believe it will help in the healing process, look into counseling or join a self-help group.

[boltnrun]

Should I message her and apologize for not taking responsibility for what happened instead of letting her take all the blame for what happened? I only took half the blame I should have taken all the blame.

 

No, because your true motivation would be hoping to restart communication (whether you admit it or not lol).

 

Once things get better I would work on being the one to suggest getting together with friends instead of waiting for them to invite you.

[MissCanuck]

Should I message her and apologize for not taking responsibility for what happened instead of letting her take all the blame for what happened? I only took half the blame I should have taken all the blame.

 

I don't see the point. Who takes the blame line isn't relevant. The bottom line (which is that she's committed herself to someone else) doesn't change.

[ConfusedL]

@JenCrowley We have been in No contact/Little contact for 4 months she has reached out to me 3 time once to wish me happy new year once to wish me happy birthday and she ask a friend of mine to ask me how I was doing during this Covid 19 pandemic because I had her block so she couldn't do it herself she is unblock again currently. I've only contacted her once to wish her happy birthday. I've tried to move on in those 4 months but I keep hearing her name and seeing her name everywhere and I see and hear things that remind me of her. I can't afford counseling and I would know where to look for a self help group.

 

@boltnrun My motivation isn't to start communication with her but to get her to stop blaming herself so she can move on and be happy. I know she blames herself because she insists its all her fault even though I told her it was just as much my fault as it was hers. I don't have any of my friends phone numbers besides that like I said I'm an introvert and shy so I don't plan anything.

 

@MissCanuck You need to stop taking her side this whole time you have said it couldn't be real between us because we live in different countries and have never met in person yet you have no problem saying its real between her and the other guy even though they both live in other countries and have never met in person you can't have it both ways. I know nothing is going to change some people just don't get to met someone and fall in love and live happily ever after and I'm one of those people who doesn't get to I'm just trying to work on fully accepting that.

[boltnrun]

If you already told her you are partly to blame why do you need to tell her again?

 

I still think it's because you're looking for an excuse to contact her.

 

And whatever we think about the realness of online-only relationships, if she has chosen to attach herself to someone else then that's it.

 

My previous suggestion still stands.

[MissCanuck]

@MissCanuck You need to stop taking her side this whole time you have said it couldn't be real between us because we live in different countries and have never met in person yet you have no problem saying its real between her and the other guy even though they both live in other countries and have never met in person you can't have it both ways. I know nothing is going to change some people just don't get to met someone and fall in love and live happily ever after and I'm one of those people who doesn't get to I'm just trying to work on fully accepting that.

 

 

Where did I say it was real? I don't know where you got that from. I said she committed herself to someone else. Does that make it more real? No. Does it mean she doesn't have intentions of taking it any further with you? Yes. That is what I am trying to get across to you. She has her sights set on someone else, and that's all that matters. Do I think it's real? No, I think it's naive and unrealistic, personally. Does she? Apparently so. It's so real to her that she is putting things to end with you. This isn't about my own opinion, OP.

 

This isn't about taking anyone's side, either. There are no sides to take. You're constructing a "me vs. her" dynamic in your mind which serves no purpose other than to upset you even more.

 

For what it's worth, though, when you post on a public forum, you are going to hear some opinions you agree with, and others you don't. You can pick and choose which points to take in. If you were looking to garner validation to support your "side" of events, then I'm afraid you are in the wrong place, man. So, no, I don't "need to stop taking her side," or however you're framing this. I'm posting my thoughts on your situation; you don't get to control the narrative there. I happen to disagree with some things she did, and some things you did, in terms of protecting your own heart. That's all there is to it.

[ConfusedL]

I know it's been a while. Let me first apologise for my behavior I asked for advice then acted like an when it was given. I took everybodys advice and tried to move on but yesterday she messaged me out of the blue and asked how I was and how my parents were and said she had been thinking of me. What do I do now? I was starting to feel like I was getting over her too. 3 months of no contact and she messaged me out of nowhere to tell me shes been thinking of me.

[Wiseman2]

You're in the friend zone. That's ok since you didn't block her.