Heartbroken and lost

[Rb1980]

Thanks for this. Will certainly have a look. Please also see my other reply

[Rb1980]

Me again. I just wanted to say not to be too hard on yourself for having the feelings that you do. It's normal. Just know that, with time, you will feel better. Time is the key. Are you familiar with the different stages of grief? If not, check this out. It may help. https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.grief.html

 

Thanks for this please also see my other reply

[goddess]

Rb, no one is perfect. We all have our insecurities. But do continue to write to us.

[Rb1980]

Thank you.

I'll give you an overview....

In June 2018 we started chatting, we dated for about 6 weeks before we decided to become "official"

In the introductory stages she referenced how she found herself often being dumped but finding herself getting right back into relationships too quickly which in turn hurt her more.

I often joked with her that I was just another guy on the list. Sometimes she joined in with it being a joke. Other times she took offence.

 

When her previous long term relationship ended she found that she would sleep with guys she was dating a lot quicker than she normally would as she hoped it would win them over and make them like her. I found this quite uncomfortable, I can't really pinpoint why.

 

I always found myself comparing how many people I had been with compared to her. Again I don't know why as it shouldn't really matter.

Because of how we flirted at the start and how we slept together before it became a relationship my mind now over analyses way too much. She said she has changed as a person and the old behaviour isn't what she is like anymore but for some reason I don't believe it. Again it shouldn't matter but for some reason it does.

 

Last year she got a birthday card from an ex which made me feel weird too. She said to her it meant nothing and she couldn't control a card being sent, which is of course true.

She also told me another ex sent her a message on social media, she struck up conversation with him but then felt terribly guilty so stopped. She got very upset with herself for it but I forgave her as the conversation was simply friendly.

 

When it came to us chatting about our future she kept referencing she could no longer tell if I was the person she wanted kids, marriage etc with. She would say "how do I know someone I meet at work, or with friends isn't actually the one I'm meant to be with"

She felt guilty about feeling like this but as a result of these feelings I had to (or at least I felt I did) try harder

[ayesurvived]

I know what you feel, this has happened to me before. Panicking, not knowing what I did wrong and blaming myself for being stupid, wishing I never did what it was that I did that set it all off. But what did I really do that snowballed into a crisis? I never found out.

 

You will never know because one thing led to another, something you did with good intentions was taken the wrong way, and when she won’t talk, that’s the end of it. So start focusing on yourself. I do not see anything wrong with what you did on your first post. In my opinion, it is not your fault. You made mistakes down the road but this is what a guy freefalling in a rabbit hole would do. You might actually have discovered the tip of an iceberg of misery. Imagine your life with her. Start anew, get help, and write it off. Nothing more you can do but make sure you are ok instead of spiraling in an endless quest for answers, blaming, and wishing you could have done this or that. Be healthy.

[Wiseman2]

This is way to much TMI on her part. She seems to have poor boundaries. At any rate the remark about keeping her options open for "the one", is a great reason to run, delete and block this one. It would be much worse if you continued. She seems flaky and talks way too much.

[Rb1980]

This is way to much TMI on her part. She seems to have poor boundaries. At any rate the remark about keeping her options open for "the one", is a great reason to run, delete and block this one. It would be much worse if you continued. She seems flaky and talks way too much.

 

Tmi?? Sorry I'm being clueless here!!

[goddess]

Are you referring to what TMI means, or that she gave you too much information regarding the card, how quickly she sleeps with men, etc. TMI mean 'too much information', in care you are not familiar with its meaning.

 

After reading your detailed message, I'd say you dodged a bullet. She sounds and acts like a teenager who has not yet learned about boundaries. In addition, she seems to have no moral compass (sorry). Think about it. As Wiseman2 said RUN and don't look back. You don't need this drama in your life. This girl needs to grow up. You need someone more stable.

 

You also seem to mold yourself to her wants, needs, etc. Do not do that. As Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true." Don't lose your identity. I am sure that, one day, you will look back and realise that deleting her from your life was a very wide decision.

[Rb1980]

Are you referring to what TMI means, or that she gave you too much information regarding the card, how quickly she sleeps with men, etc. TMI mean 'too much information', in care you are not familiar with its meaning.

 

After reading your detailed message, I'd say you dodged a bullet. She sounds and acts like a teenager who has not yet learned about boundaries. In addition, she seems to have no moral compass (sorry). Think about it. As Wiseman2 said RUN and don't look back. You don't need this drama in your life. This girl needs to grow up. You need someone more stable.

 

You also seem to mold yourself to her wants, needs, etc. Do not do that. As Shakespeare said "To thine own self be true." Don't lose your identity. I am sure that, one day, you will look back and realise that deleting her from your life was a very wide decision.

 

Thanks, you make a lot of sense!

I felt it was her poor mental health that had her talking like that to me as she, unfortunately, was abused by the previous partner. He caused her a great deal of mental harm and she said that her patch of getting with people quickly stemmed from feeling so hurt and scarred by him. So when I came along it was stability for her (I'm older than her and she appreciated my more mature outlook as it made her see mistakes)

 

When she told me about the card etc she said it was purely out of hating the idea of hiding anything from me.

Thanks again for helping me through this

[DancingFool]

Thanks, you make a lot of sense!

I felt it was her poor mental health that had her talking like that to me as she, unfortunately, was abused by the previous partner. He caused her a great deal of mental harm and she said that her patch of getting with people quickly stemmed from feeling so hurt and scarred by him. So when I came along it was stability for her (I'm older than her and she appreciated my more mature outlook as it made her see mistakes)

 

When she told me about the card etc she said it was purely out of hating the idea of hiding anything from me.

Thanks again for helping me through this

 

Beware of people telling you that they are damaged goods or a victim and then that becoming an excuse for their bad behavior. It's a trap and a red flag the size of China. Next time you hear a story like that, run. I mean just run.

 

Sure bad things can happen to good people, BUT good people will not make that your problem. They will take the time to heal or seek out therapy or otherwise will seek to find their balance without taking their issues out on their partner. Unfortunately, this woman is opposite. She used her past (if it's even true, you don't really know) to make you accept her poor behavior. You dodged a bullet here. No doubt she has mental health issues but more like a personality disorder than damage from past relationship. Look at how she treated you just now - you didn't stalk her, you didn't harass her yet she called the cops on you. These are not actions of normal sane person. She can now claim what? Another psycho ex? Tell some story to the next guy about how she was abused. Be very very wary of stories like that. When someone badmouths their ex's to you, pretty soon you'll be the ex being badmouthed the same way.

[goddess]

Thanks, you make a lot of sense!

I felt it was her poor mental health that had her talking like that to me as she, unfortunately, was abused by the previous partner. He caused her a great deal of mental harm and she said that her patch of getting with people quickly stemmed from feeling so hurt and scarred by him. So when I came along it was stability for her (I'm older than her and she appreciated my more mature outlook as it made her see mistakes)

 

When she told me about the card etc she said it was purely out of hating the idea of hiding anything from me.

Thanks again for helping me through this

 

This girl really needs to get her head on straight via some sort of counselling. I don't mean that in a condescending way. She needs to heal from the mental harm inflicted on her but getting with people quickly is surely not the way to solve her issues. That, if anything, will cause her (and the guy in question) more harm than good. Please don't subject yourself to this toxic scenario. Be good to yourself, take baby steps, and slowly heal. You sound like such a kind and compassionate person.

[Rb1980]

Beware of people telling you that they are damaged goods or a victim and then that becoming an excuse for their bad behavior. It's a trap and a red flag the size of China. Next time you hear a story like that, run. I mean just run.

 

Sure bad things can happen to good people, BUT good people will not make that your problem. They will take the time to heal or seek out therapy or otherwise will seek to find their balance without taking their issues out on their partner. Unfortunately, this woman is opposite. She used her past (if it's even true, you don't really know) to make you accept her poor behavior. You dodged a bullet here. No doubt she has mental health issues but more like a personality disorder than damage from past relationship. Look at how she treated you just now - you didn't stalk her, you didn't harass her yet she called the cops on you. These are not actions of normal sane person. She can now claim what? Another psycho ex? Tell some story to the next guy about how she was abused. Be very very wary of stories like that. When someone badmouths their ex's to you, pretty soon you'll be the ex being badmouthed the same way.

 

Yeah I had thought that myself, that now I'm going to be the one being badmouthed as the other ex was to me!

She did actually say to me she was worried she had a personality disorder and has recently booked into private counselling

[Rb1980]

This girl really needs to get her head on straight via some sort of counselling. I don't mean that in a condescending way. She needs to heal from the mental harm inflicted on her but getting with people quickly is surely not the way to solve her issues. That, if anything, will cause her (and the guy in question) more harm than good. Please don't subject yourself to this toxic scenario. Be good to yourself, take baby steps, and slowly heal. You sound like such a kind and compassionate person.

 

Agree. She does now say that getting with people quickly was deffo the wrong way to go about things.

She now has counselling booked which I feel partially guilty for making her need to go to but she was also aware enough to know she needed help herself too

Thank you I try to be kind to everyone!

[DancingFool]

Yeah I had thought that myself, that now I'm going to be the one being badmouthed as the other ex was to me!

She did actually say to me she was worried she had a personality disorder and has recently booked into private counselling

 

Seems that you do have good instincts telling you something is wrong, but for whatever reason, you chose to ignore that little gut voice telling you to stay away. Something to think about going forward - always trust your gut and when alarms are ringing, walk away.

 

Agree. She does now say that getting with people quickly was deffo the wrong way to go about things.

She now has counselling booked which I feel partially guilty for making her need to go to but she was also aware enough to know she needed help herself too

Thank you I try to be kind to everyone!

 

Why do you feel guilty that a person with issues finally realized that they have issues and need help and actually booked an appointment to start dealing and healing? Surely that's a good thing You didn't make her need to go, you don't have such powers, btw.

[Rb1980]

Seems that you do have good instincts telling you something is wrong, but for whatever reason, you chose to ignore that little gut voice telling you to stay away. Something to think about going forward - always trust your gut and when alarms are ringing, walk away.

 

 

 

Why do you feel guilty that a person with issues finally realized that they have issues and need help and actually booked an appointment to start dealing and healing? Surely that's a good thing?

 

Because I feel my "smothering and pressuring" made her feel worse mentally

[DancingFool]

Yeah I had thought that myself, that now I'm going to be the one being badmouthed as the other ex was to me!

She did actually say to me she was worried she had a personality disorder and has recently booked into private counselling

 

Because I feel my "smothering and pressuring" made her feel worse mentally

 

You don't posses such superpowers seriously. She was damaged long before she met you and at least somewhat aware she has problems that need fixing. If she actually follows through and does the hard work needed to rewire her brain, more power to her. This has NOTHING to do with you though. That is her personal decision and journey.

 

There is a fine line between caring and arrogance. Be careful not to cross over into arrogance - thinking that you have such hold and influence over other people that you can cause them to change.

[Rb1980]

You don't posses such superpowers seriously. She was damaged long before she met you and at least somewhat aware she has problems that need fixing. If she actually follows through and does the hard work needed to rewire her brain, more power to her. This has NOTHING to do with you though. That is her personal decision and journey.

 

There is a fine line between caring and arrogance. Be careful not to cross over into arrogance - thinking that you have such hold and influence over other people that you can cause them to change.

 

Thanks. I think it's as I also saw first hand the mental turmoil she suffered. Random panic attacks, huge mood swings, increases in ocd behaviour, I just feel a little responsible plus a littleikeni want to help as when she's not in this mindset she's an incredibly caring and loving person

[goddess]

You are not responsible for her issues. Like DancingFool said: She was damaged long before she met you. And STOP blaming yourself, please!

[Rb1980]

You are not responsible for her issues. Like DancingFool said: She was damaged long before she met you. And STOP blaming yourself, please!

 

Oh I agree she certainly was. I just felt that as she was no longer happy with me, I contributed in someway to making her feel worse

[goddess]

Oh I agree she certainly was. I just felt that as she was no longer happy with me, I contributed in someway to making her feel worse

 

Nope, it's her. As I said before, she would benefit from therapy.

[Rb1980]

Nope, it's her. As I said before, she would benefit from therapy.

 

Yeah. I hope she is now getting the counselling and that it is helping her. I promise I'll stop posting soon as I'm sure this is all sounding like a stuck record go you all but one question I do have is,

Each morning when I get up I feel really low about the whole situation, the advice you guys have given is amazing and I can feel it benefiting me but for the first few hours of the day it all seems to hit me quite hard. What would be a good way to combat this?

[Lambert]

Each morning when I get up I feel really low about the whole situation, the advice you guys have given is amazing and I can feel it benefiting me but for the first few hours of the day it all seems to hit me quite hard. What would be a good way to combat this?

 

This is common. You just have to keep trying different things. I have found, that changing up the routine is helpful.

 

Normally, I'd say try a different route to work or a new lunch break spot (hard with wfh) but things like listening to different radio stations or tv shows than what you normally do can help. Its new and different, so your brain pays more attention.

 

Try giving yourself a break. Acknowledge that this sucks and its hard. Feel what you feel and then give yourself a pep talk. Be that friend you need to yourself.

 

What have you done for you lately?

[goddess]

Unfortunately, with Covid-19 these days, your options (like joining a gym, take up a new hobby, join Meetup gropups) are not possible. That said, perhaps you can distract yourself by

 

- listening to upbeat music

- watching TV

- writing down your feelings (and see if you can improve the ones that you feel are negative)

- talking solitary walks

- reading articles on the internet regarding how to deal with heartache, etc

- declutter your closets and drawers (yes, I know, kind of silly) but we must follow self-isolation

- call family and or close friends

- read about all the people on this site who have problems and realise that you are definitely not alone

- remind yourself that it's your ex's loss, and be very thankful that you are no longer in this toxic scenario

- get rid of any reminders in your home which remind you of her

- if all else fails, dance! LOL

 

Please realise that there is no quick fix. You will feel sad, hurt, etc. This is all normal and part of being human. But, with time (and this is key), your sadness/heartach will lessen. Your heart has been broken and it needs time to heal. I can tell you with certainty that I feel SO much better than I did nearly two years ago. I was totally devastated back then but I focused on all the good that I had in my life. I had to in order to maintain my sanity. Things could be worse, right? Hang in there! xx

[Rb1980]

This is common. You just have to keep trying different things. I have found, that changing up the routine is helpful.

 

Normally, I'd say try a different route to work or a new lunch break spot (hard with wfh) but things like listening to different radio stations or tv shows than what you normally do can help. Its new and different, so your brain pays more attention.

 

Try giving yourself a break. Acknowledge that this sucks and its hard. Feel what you feel and then give yourself a pep talk. Be that friend you need to yourself.

 

What have you done for you lately?

 

Thanks for the reply.

I've began some new boxset, I've started working out again at home and I'm doing an online course. Not sure if you have read the whole thread but where I have been struggling is the element of closure as pretty much right before it ended we were booking ourselves on trips, talking about the house we wanted to buy etc...

[DancingFool]

Thanks for the reply.

I've began some new boxset, I've started working out again at home and I'm doing an online course. Not sure if you have read the whole thread but where I have been struggling is the element of closure as pretty much right before it ended we were booking ourselves on trips, talking about the house we wanted to buy etc...

 

The thing about closure is that it doesn't come from anyone but you yourself. It's about you starting to recognize and accept that this person was not the right match for you. It's really all there is to it. I know it's easy to say and not so easy to do, but you must start. Rather than focusing on trips missed, focus instead on what you can do that makes you happy without her.

 

Years ago I had a brief relationship and we parted ways quickly. It was sort of odd in that I was happy it was over but also not happy at all. Then I realized that I wasn't really mourning him, so much as the things we did, the lifestyle, the plans we had if you will. Then I realized that I totally don't need him for that and it was quite an enlightening revelation - I can have what I like and want without a person who doesn't really make me happy anyway. Not sure if I'm making sense here....but the point is that if you detach the plans from her, then you realize that you can do these things either solo or with friends or with someone else and suddenly you don't feel such a loss anymore. Life goes on.

 

The other part is I hope that you look up White Knight Syndrome. You seem to have a bad case of that and need to work on it. If you don't, it will keep you from what you crave - a happy relationship. Feeling guilt over things that are not in your control is a dangerous slippery slope that will land anyone in deep poo.