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I am having a terrible mix of emotions now.

 

This is totally okay, expected. Just a breaking a bone causes serious pain and discomfort—pain that can only be felt, and treated—a breakup does something similar to the spirit. Try not to judge it all too much, but to accept that what you're feeling right now, two days after a bomb went off, is what you should be feeling. Also try to accept that it is a mix of feelings that will pass, with time, if you can respect them as things you need to swim through to get to smoother waters rather than things to hang onto.

 

If you are into saving and she is into spending, to use an easy example, the obvious conclusion is that you do not actually share similar dreams, similar values. Stuff to think about. Teaching someone to save when they want to spend is different than being on the same page, wanting the same things. I imagine she gave you the impression that she wanted to "change"—and, of course, being fertilizer for change is a pretty intoxicating drug for the ego—but connection does not have to operate like that.

 

Moving forward, maybe ask yourself if you'd be happier with someone who, whether they knew you or not, would be a money-saving non-smoker. No, you would never get the reward of steering them from light to dark, but in exchange for giving up that you'd get something else: a connection with a likeminded equal, where drama is replaced by genuine depth. Hard stuff to think about now, I know, but it's the path out of the quicksand and toward more stable ground, the sort you can really build a home atop.

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Some of these messages are bringing tears to my eyes.

 

I am in bits but know the muddy waters will clear.

 

 

I just felt she was the one at the age I am at.

 

We had views places to live to rent recently.

That's how close we were to living together.

She was pushing for it more than me as much as she could. She really wanted it. She had thought I was the one.

 

Would it be wise to block her?

 

We have ended on good terms. A possibility at rekindling and restarting again. But a reality that we havent worked. The love is there from both of us. The realisation that we have different things to work on ourselves. She is in medication now for the depression and recommenced counselling.

 

I plan to work on myself. I dont plan to wait for her or to be fed breadcrumbs as I have seen this happen before.

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If anyone ever needs an example of a classic toxic relationship, this is it.

 

I know you are hurting, but I really really hope that you find the strength to cut all contact with her permanently and spend some time reflecting on the following:

 

Your biggest point of attraction to her is "she is stunning looking". Basically, your lower half did all the thinking and your upper half did all the spackling, sweeping under the rug and rationalizing away her terrible behavior and massive incompatibilities between you. You say that you were building a future together, but if you are truly honest with yourself, there was no building here. You had a vision you were trying to make her fit into because she is hot. Think on this - you are a saver, she is a spender, you want to plan or do this for your future, she does opposite and hides it from you because....conflict. You can't stand smoking, she smokes - big deal breaker for most people. You call her kind, she physically hit you (yes, abusive people can be really nice when they aren't abusing you). Not even going to get into all the lies and gaslighting she has been doing to you. Please understand that genuinely kind people are like that all.the.time, not just in between tantrums and attacks. If you think she is a kind person, please revisit that definition and sort out what genuine kindness actually looks like because this isn't it.

 

I'm sure if you look back honestly, there are many many many more examples where you did not match at all and should have parted ways long ago. To say that she is a totally different person from who you thought is really rather dishonest on your part because you spent 2 years ignoring who she is really is because....stunningly hot.

 

If you don't want to make this kind of a mistake again and genuinely want a happy relationship and a lasting marriage, please think long and hard about what I said even if it stings right now.

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"Rekindle" and "restart"? What? Something that proved to not work? Why put yourself through this again? Because you know neither of you will "change". She won't suddenly become a non-smoking saver who discusses differences calmly, without hitting. And you won't suddenly become someone who is totally fine married to a smoker, who is fine with impulsive spending and who isn't pushy during disagreements.

 

Right now you think she is the cure for the pain you're feeling. But look at my signature line. The cure for a 3rd degree burn isn't fire.

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You are not compatible, at all. Add on all of the lying and toxic behavior, does not make this doable.

 

You will need to cut all contact, you cannot be friends. When everything is settled regarding finances, you need to block and delete.

 

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. Do not compare your life to others. as it is better to be happy. You are also very young.

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