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I need advice on a break up with my ex girlfriend.


samyc123

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I was with my ex for over a year and a half. We're both in our early 20's and she told me that I was her first serious relationship. We had a mutual break up at the end of January. For the first week of the break up she kept texting me but since then she hasn't initiated a conversation.

 

We've spoke a few times and met up twice since. The first meet up was for me to try to fix things but it didn't end well. The second meet up was nothing to do with our break up, I needed help with getting into an account that she had set up for me. The few times I spoke with her through text were just to check on her well being or to have a conversation while I was lonely. I realised this wasn't doing me any favours so today, exactly 2 months since our break up, I texted her that it would be best if I blocked her. I was constantly checking her social media and It was driving me mad. Before I blocked her, we had a chat. I told her that with everything going on (covid-19) and currently being out of work and stuck at home that seeing her on social media wasn't helping my situation. She understood.

 

Before I say this I want to give a little bit of background. My ex girlfriend is a nurse so she herself has her hands full with the pandemic. She told me today that because she's been constantly occupied with work and the pandemic that moving on has become a little easier for her than it has for me. In saying that, she also said she was unsure if this was the reason why she hasn't been handling the break up as badly. It doesn't seem right though? I was her first serious relationship and in the most least vain way I can say this, I know for certain that she was in love with me. She told me before I blocked her that she still loves me but she thinks it's as a friend. I feel like maybe that because of how busy she's been that she hasn't really had time to process the break up. I've also been in contact with her at least once a week since we split up and she's been able to keep tabs on me through social media.

 

So my question is: Now that I've blocked her so she can't keep tabs on me and I'm starting full no contact, do you think that this will make her miss me? I also told her that I was doing this to finally move on and to help me find someone new but a small part of me wants her to miss me. I'm stuck between whether she has truly got over me or maybe she hasn't been able to process the emotions yet because of how busy she has been. I also told her that, if sometime in the future she figures that she hasn't taken everything into consideration about starting a new relationship with me, she can contact my phone if I haven't already moved on. I haven't blocked her number for that reason, only social media.

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Sorry about all this.

 

I think you're handling what is inherently a sad, confusing time very well. Breakups are a process, and for most people there are some exhaust fumes following the breakup: regular contact, some of it awkward; social media wormholes; all the stuff you've done. Half holding on, half trying to let go. Emotional purgatory. You've recognized that isn't healthy for you, and so, with a lot of grace and respect—for yourself, for her—you've taken the steps you need while being completely honest with her about how you feel, and what you remain a bit open to, at least for the time being.

 

Good stuff, all that. Wherever this goes, you'll thank yourself later.

 

In terms of your question? I totally understand that you want her to "miss" you, and you want that "missing" to trigger her to return to you. Very human. But also? More of the process of letting go than anything else, I'm afraid, as even if you do reconcile you're not going to want it to be because you figured out some last ditch way to jolt her into feeling something for you that's not quite there. Jolts can be powerful, sure, but that's different than being authentic, or sustainable.

 

She may very well find herself processing some feelings, and some hurt, that right now are buried—buried by work, by this strange moment in time, buried even by a feeling of relief to be out of the relationship, painful as that is to consider. And, sure, in time she may feel some deeper churns of feeling, of missing you, but that's different than wanting to get back together, you know? People process things in different ways, at different paces, based on who they are and where they are. The hardest thing about breakups is that two people very accustomed to processing things together are processing a very big thing separately, however they choose.

 

Lots of words to say: trust the process. You are doing, right now, what you know is needed for your own health. Honestly, you really can't ask for more, so have faith that it's making choices like that that open the doors to the next steps. Where she fits into that? It's not a question you can answer or that I can answer. Time knows, and any answer is going to be the right one. That's the thing to work on accepting, while you do what you need to heal.

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Firstly I'd like to say thank you for that reply. Some of the things you said were really comforting to read and I appreciate you taking your time to analyze my situation and respond. For my own sake I felt like I had to do block her. I was checking her social media twice/3 times a day and it was really influencing my mood and killing motivation to do anything when I'd see something I didn't like.

 

I understand what you're saying about the difference in missing someone and wanting them back but metaphorically speaking I feel like I'm at a T junction and I don't know which way to turn. I love this girl. She did so much for me that I didn't appreciate. She had the compassion of a mother, the drive of a lover and she knew me inside & out like a best friend. I wasn't in the right place in my life in terms of my career and I let the agitation of every day life ruin what was a real promising relationship to begin with. I told her that was why the last few months of the relationship were a little negative. Like I said I was her first serious boyfriend but she was my third serious girlfriend. Neither of my previous 2 ex girlfriends had a patch on what she gave me. It wasn't only her though. I hit it off with her family so well, even going on a holiday with them at 1 stage. For a relationship that was just under 2 years, we did so much and it felt so much longer.

 

Though the break up was mutual, I initiated it. Trying to recover from that is difficult and honestly if I had the choice, the only thing I'd recover is our relationship. Instead of the same old relationship with some issues we had, a new relationship without the issue's and a better me. I've been looking up guides online and even went out of my way to pay for relationship coaching session's. The thought of doing that with a difference ex is something I'd have never considered for a moment. But those session's haven't worked for me and if anything have made my situation worse. Just 1 big money grabbing scheme. At the same time of me blocking her on social media to help me move on, I hoped it would make her only remember the good things about me after time and reach out at some point.

 

I'm getting mixed opinions online about if removing yourself from someones life actually makes them miss you after time. Some people say do it, some people say don't. Honestly I've tried keeping myself in her life for the last 2 months and it hasn't worked. I felt like it was make or break for me and I had to go for it. I'm dedicating myself to this no contact rule but I don't know how long I should do it for? Do i just randomly unblock her after a month if she doesn't reach out and I still miss her? I can't just unblock her because it will make me look like I'm not moving on.

 

I agree with you that it is a last ditch jolt to try re spark a romantic connection. There's such bigger thing's going on in the world right now but not having her is my biggest issue. If in case I am in this situation after no contact, do you have any advice for me to follow that could help? Your last piece of advice was brilliant so I would really appreciate your attention.

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Blue does give some stellar advice.[emoji4]

 

My comments are more around what's actually happening in the world now and how you could use this time to just pause. Power of the pause...

 

She's a nurse and its a hella stressful time. Don't worry about the future. Focus one day at a time.

 

You said, you want to be a better man. Work on that. take a break, as you said. See how it goes for you. You may find given time and space, your emotional state will improve and you'll be thinking more clearly.

 

What I mean by more clearly is... you wanted to break up, she let you go, now, you're panicking and wasting money on schemes, over thinking etc.

 

She's dealing with a pandemic (we all are) but she's on the front line. You're doing the right thing. You were honest with your feelings and that's all you can do.

 

Give it time and space, at least until this is over. You're both young enough that your paths may cross again in the future. When you've been really able to change for the better. Growth and change take time... Give that time to yourself.

 

Try to stay positive. You initiated the break up for a reason... stay true to that. You sound like a good guy, that did what you thought was best. Now you need to see that through and not jerk anyone around (her or you) because of fear. You're letting fear rule out. And thats pretty normal, but you want to take the reigns and just breathe. Get back to a place where you're motivated by your feelings of abundance not lack.

 

When we focus on lack we lose sight and act out of fear. When we focus on abundance we restore our faith that everything is going to be ok... whatever it is... We will be ok

 

chin up. this too shall pass and you'll see things more clearly and you"ll know what to do. Trust it.

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I think she’s trying to let you know in the gentlest way possible that this is over for her, and it has been for some time.

 

Sorry this happened, OP. It sounds like you initiated the breakup because you sensed she wasn’t invested any longer? I am sure she once was in love with you, but that’s no longer how she feels. She doesn’t know how to come out and tell you this, so she couches it with work stress being the reason she’s been able to move on. It probably has a grain of truth to it, but at is core, is not the real reason she’s had an easier time of this than you have. That simply comes down to having different feelings than she used to.

 

Blocking her won’t change that, but really, you should be doing it for you. You don’t need a front-row seat to her life, so you’re smart to take that step. There is no time limit on that, either. Keep her blocked until you reach the point at which seeing photos of her with a new guy wouldn’t rattle you too much.

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Sorry this is happening.What was the breakup about? Unfortunately she understandably sounds incredibly stressed. Was she supporting you? Do not focus on any get-your-ex-back material. Step back and leave her be. Right now she needs to focus on life or death situations and is mandated to go to work. You can use this time to find some sort of income.

I told her that with everything going on (covid-19) and currently being out of work and stuck at home that seeing her on social media wasn't helping my situation. My ex girlfriend is a nurse so she herself has her hands full with the pandemic.
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Hi Lambert, that was a really eye opening piece of advice so I really appreciate the effort you put into that reply!

 

I agree that I have been letting fear rule over my life understandably because it's a hard situation. I'm going to try my best to stick to this no contact process to help me see things clearly again.

 

Thank you!

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Hi MissCanuck, first of all I'd like to thank you for sharing your opinion. Though I respect that what you're saying is a definite possibility, I also disagree with some of the things you mentioned.

 

I didn't initiate the break up because she lost interest, I did it because I did. She reluctantly agreed to have the mutual agreement, so I don't believe she didn't have the same feelings at the end of our relationship. As of now though, I am uncertain. I know this girl and she is extremely honest, sometimes in our relationship a little bit too honest. Sometimes she would tell me things I didn't want to hear that would cause an argument. So I think If she genuinely had lost all feeling for me that she would have told me instead of hiding it. Its not the type of person she is. Also I know for certain she's not dating. When I mentioned blocking her because I'd see things that would annoy me, It wasn't other men. It was seeing her post's of her getting on with her life in general while I felt left behind.

 

I agree that I should be blocking her for myself to heal though. It's a tough time for everybody and the stages of a break up don't make it easier for not just me, but anyone going through my situation. Thanks for taking your time to reply.

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Hello Wiseman2, Thank you for the reply!

 

The breakup was due to a few months of arguments and disagreements here and there which kind of ended up in me neglecting her emotionally and intimately. I did acknowledge these things when I spoke with her in person so she knew that I knew where I went wrong. At this present time though, it didn't seem to be enough. In saying that before I blocked her social media, she did tell me thanks for everything and that she wouldn't have changed the way our relationship was for anything. She also acknowledge that for the most part, we were good to each other.

 

She was supporting when we spoke because she's a caring person. The issue with that was that she didn't initiate any of the conversations. It kind of felt like she just knew that I would start a conversation with her again. I guess that's why I'm going no contact, to help myself heal and so that she know's that I don't intend on speaking with her for the foreseeable future.

 

In saying that, do you feel like no contact could work for me?

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"I guess that's why I'm going no contact, to help myself heal "

 

If this is truly your goal, yes, it will "work".

 

However, if your goal is to get her attention by not communicating with her in the hopes it will make her want to reconcile, well, probably not.

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Hi boltnrun, thanks for you opinion I appreciate the reply.

 

This is where my situation gets complicated. I want her attention and but at the same time I'm hurt because she seem's to not be taking the break up as badly as I am.

 

I've tried to reconcile twice since the break up. After the first meet up and then the conversation we had before I blocked her. The block wasn't out of spite. I explained why I felt the need to do it.

 

What kind of contact would you recommend if any?

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Hi boltnrun, thanks for you opinion I appreciate the reply.

 

This is where my situation gets complicated. I want her attention and but at the same time I'm hurt because she seem's to not be taking the break up as badly as I am.

 

I've tried to reconcile twice since the break up. After the first meet up and then the conversation we had before I blocked her. The block wasn't out of spite. I explained why I felt the need to do it.

 

What kind of contact would you recommend if any?

 

None.

 

You already tried. I'm not sure why trying again would make sense.

 

She has made up her mind.

 

It's no fun to go through but you can't be in the relationship by yourself. She has to agree to be in it too. So it would be better to accept her decision and then, when you're ready, think about meeting a woman who you don't have to try to plot a plan to get her to want to be with you.

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To be honest the only explanation I can give for breaking up with her is really that I felt like it's what we both needed. Looking back on it now, It was immature of me to think like that. I wasn't trying to improve on the relationship, I took the easy way out. I'm not proud of it and rightfully so, I'm regretting my decision now. I'm man enough to acknowledge that I am to blame for this all falling down on me.

 

In saying that, do you feel like there is anything I could or should be doing to improve my situation?

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No contact is not the get-your-ex-back gimmick you have clearly been reading about. She works like a dog in a high stress situation and she had to support you financially? It would be best for you to get gainful employment and start thinking of others and the difficulty of their circumstances. Reinvent yourself into a productive, independent, reliable man and give her time to cope with her work. She needs support from friends, family and colleagues right now, not trying to resuscitate a dead relationship.

She was supporting when we spoke because she's a caring person. In saying that, do you feel like no contact could work for me?

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Here's what I want to say to you, in terms of the best step to take, knowing it's probably not what you want to hear: Do nothing.

 

Sit with all this, feel all this. If you have an instinct to see about doing something to get her back—well, observe that instinct, but don't act on it. If you have an instinct to sleep with someone else to make this all go away—same thing. And so on, and so forth, with the some healthy steps (pushups, chats with friends, whatever) peppered in there to soften things. But just be in the exact place you're in, trusting that sitting in it for a bit will bring you far more clarity than trying to avoid it.

 

Because honestly? I think what you're doing right now, more than anything, is just trying to avoid the weight of emotional discomfort. Breakups suck, always, whether we're the one doing the breaking or not. They are almost never a "clear" choice, even among people in the most absurd or abusive of dynamics, but a bit of a guess, a scary hunch. And with that guess? A void opens that invariably makes us second guess...well, just about everything. It's a head trip and a heart trip, but it's one you can handle. Trust that, and you'll be on a much more genuine path than one bent around lassoing back her affection and attention to avoid a lick of pain.

 

If after 60 or 90 days of living your life, sitting in this place and whatever places that sitting leads you, without lurking on her social media feed or concocting strategies for a reunion, you find you're still longing for her? Well, okay. You revisit those thoughts then. But for the time being? Think of them as shrapnel, or the dust that swirls in the sky following an explosion. Par for the course of a breakup up. No one thinks clearly, or makes wise choices, right after bombs go off. Best to sit still, and let things settle. What feels critical in a state of panic is rarely critical when the panic fades.

 

Once upon a time, not all that long ago, there was no such thing as blocking and following because there were no cell phones, no social media. I lived during that time, and I ain't that old. And you know what? Back then people broke up and some of them found their way back to each other. I did it once, at around your age, in fact. Difference was, people were able to actually go through a full breakup first, because there wasn't really a choice. Over was over. Hard, lonesome stuff, but it's in your wheelhouse, as a human, to be able to get through it. If there's something left in the tank of your connection with her—something to tap into down the line—think of accepting that this chapter is over, fully, as the only way to know what that something is.

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