Wheres the line between flirting & cheating

[MrDontknow]

Hello all I have read some of your unfortunate situations you are in & you have all received some amazing advice but now I am in need of all your advice please . I am sorry if this maybe a long post but will try and be as clear as i can regarding the situation I am in. I have been with my wife for over 20 years and we got together young we have 3 grown children which 2 have moved out our home. I wont say our relationship has always been perfect but has had its ups and downs but I have always been the bread winner and worked to provide the best I can for our family even having to work away at times.

My wife took over a bar recently and I still help there at times too as well as working full time too with cleaning bar work etc & have always supported her in everything she has ever wanted to do the best I can . We have cameras fitted throughout now where I can watch from home and on this certain night in question to my horror i had to watch this unfold in front of my eyes.. She had a few drinks with the regulars and a few others who i thought were mutual friends i seen her aiming her attention to one particular man who i know is single and has a bit of a reputation as she also knows . It started with her dancing with him rubbing herself up against him then grabbing him from behind , then went onto every single time she walked past him when she had to go behind the bar etc she was groping his bum then went to stand beside him where they started to cuddle and shared a kiss then stood arms around each other in front of everyone i think she forgot about the cameras after the drinks she had as after she lent over to talk to someone i seen him grope her bum on 2 occasions then they shared some sweet whispers and she looked up noticed the cameras then turned them off ?.. that's when i rang asking what the hell is going on ! and I am on my way down I wonder how far it would have gone on if i didn't ring or she realise the cameras were recording. She did this all with no thought or wether there would be any come backs from it. Am I just a mug the stay at home reliable bloke who cleans up around the home etc after work which i don't mind but our children have seen some of the footage now what example am i setting to them if i do nothing about this ?

She denied it to begin with saying that there was no kiss etc but when i shown her the footage she said it was just flirting because she had a drink and there is nothing to it.

I cannot stand her to touch me at the moment or really to be near her I am struggling to sleep as all I see is those 2 on the footage I really don't know what to do as I feel out of sight , out of mind came into play that night and am never going to be able to trust her ever again she says i'm acting like she has cheated .. but where do you draw the line between flirting & cheating ?

 

Thank you all for taking the time to read this

[goddess]

OMG, your wife most definitely cross the line. That is NOT acceptable, nor appropriate, behaviour from a married woman no matter how you look at it. No excuses, whether she had a few drinks or not. It is wrong on so many levels. IMHO, her behaviour was just disgusting. She showed total disrespect towards you. I am so sorry that she did this to you and I don't blame you for feeling the way that you do. Your wife should know about boundaries by now. I hope you can work this out with her.

[MissCanuck]

This is not harmless flirting. You know it, and so does she.

 

They're also comfortable enough to do this in front of other people to make me wonder if this isn't the first time they've crossed that line. Regardless, you two really need to have a serious talk about boundaries, but also the state of your marriage in general. Something is evidently quite wrong under the surface here.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You need a sit down talk and marriage therapy to help sort this out.

 

Why are your kids viewing this?

we have 3 grown children which 2 have moved out our home. our children have seen some of the footage

[SherrySher]

If they were horizontal, they'd be having sex.

 

It's not too far of a stretch from how far both of them have gone.

 

Speak to a divorce lawyer or go for marriage counselling if you're determined to save your marriage, but I personally would end it.

She has absolutely no respect for you or for your marriage.

[Hollyj]

I am sorry, but your wife is clearly cheating on you. If she is doing this in front of others, then I am assuming this has gone much further.

 

You need to speak to an attorney, and end the marriage.

 

I do not understand why the kids were brought into this?

[Skeptic76]

Oh man, I’m really sorry for you and REALLY sorry that your children had to see that footage.

 

Her behavior is cheating in my opinion, but nothing happens in a vacuum so if you want to try to save the marriage I think joint counseling is your only hope. If you wanted to leave I don’t think anybody could blame you.

 

Ouch. Again, sorry...

[MrDontknow]

Thank you all for your replies. I have put things into place to move out but am cautious of taking the next step & leaving our family home and everything I built it up to be behind ... our children are all young 20's and have access to cameras and after they heard what was going on 2 decided to have a quick look for themselves my eldest was disgusted the same as me but my young daughter sided with her mum I wish they didn't see it but are all young adults and have always raised them to be honest ans to have an opinion etc . I feel so betrayed and everytime i look at her now i feel disgust ans hatred! i felt it was classed as cheating ans i could never step foot in that place again .. I feel such a mug !

[boltnrun]

How did they "hear" what was going on? Did you and your wife discuss this within earshot of your children?

 

And yes, that is cheating. If she wants to date you can divorce her so she can be single.

[abitbroken]

There is a difference in a bar tender complimenting someone to ensure better tips vs rubbing, grinding, etc. She not only crossed the line, she jumped it with a motorcycle and a ramp.

 

I would not leave the family home! She is the cheater, not you. you stay put and make her sleep in the guest room or on the sofa. Do not leave and be classified as abandoning the youngest who is at home. Do not move out unless a divorce attorney/judge orders you to. Also, don't put your kids in the middle of this. I suggest marriage counseling if she was drunk and this has never happened before even if you ultimately split up

[Skeptic76]

There is a difference in a bar tender complimenting someone to ensure better tips vs rubbing, grinding, etc. She not only crossed the line, she jumped it with a motorcycle and a ramp.

 

I would not leave the family home! She is the cheater, not you. you stay put and make her sleep in the guest room or on the sofa. Do not leave and be classified as abandoning the youngest who is at home. Do not move out unless a divorce attorney/judge orders you to. Also, don't put your kids in the middle of this. I suggest marriage counseling if she was drunk and this has never happened before even if you ultimately split up

 

This is wisdom ☝🏻

 

Though when something like this happened to me I wanted to make my wife feel as bad as I did, that was NOT going to happen. My best moves were made when I completely disengaged her. Be civil but no more “talking it over” unless it’s with an impartial, professional third party.

 

Talk to legal counsel about how to best protect your relationship with the youngest child and equitably divide community property before making any major changes!

[lostandhurt]

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE/APARTMENT!

 

It could be viewed as abandonment, besides she is the one that cheated not you. Tell her she needs to start sleeping on the couch or a spare bedroom until you figure out what YOU want to do.

 

-Get legal advice.

-Be smart and do not promise anything to her or anyone else.

-Do not go after the guy she was dry humping.

-There is no rush to do anything so slow down and make smart choices for your life going forward. This is a huge shock so take time to digest everything and get your feet back under you.

-Don't discuss it with the children at all other than to announce that either you are divorcing or entering into counseling.

-Do not allow the fear of the unknown future control your decisions. Right now you have no idea what will happen but I guarantee you staying with a wife that so easily disrespects you and your marriage will be 10 times worse than anything you can imagine.

-Cheaters lie and then lie some more to cover what they have done. After they are done lying they try to lesson their cheating "we are only friends" "it was harmless flirting" "I was drunk"... Then comes turning it back on you and blaming you for being jealous, controlling, ridiculous, not trusting, jumping to conclusions and on and on. Don't fall for it!

-It does not matter what the children think or what anyone else thinks of her cheating, it only matters what you think. Remember that.

 

She doesn't sound remorseful and contrite to me. I would think she would apologize until she was blue in the face, start figuring out how to fix what she did, make all kinds of promises to change and anything else she could think of to save the marriage. I didn't see anything like that mentioned.

 

Keep posting, it will help

 

Lost

[Buffer01]

Sorry brother, this isn’t flirting, it is cheating. She gaslight you then when shown her actions, she lied to protect the OM.

No job is worth putting up with a cheating, disrespectful actions. She can either give up the job or give up the marriage. Do you want to be waiting for her to come home how many hours after the bar is closed before you say enough.

One day at a time.

Buffer