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My boyfriend was told that he is a father now from his abusive ex.


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Ok so yeah we broke it off. He is coming to pick up his stuff later on. I was so angry that I told him something that it pissed him off. I told him "if you just worn a condom, none of this would be happening." But he thought I was referring to the kid, but I was referring to doing it with his ex and not being protected. But it happened and I'm furious that it had to be like this. I really need a punching bag right now because I keep letting stuff like this happen. I expected so much from him and I overloved and thought he was the one to spend my life with....I do need time off from dating for a while. Through out my life, it's always been jumping from next relationship to the next. I never gave myself a break since high school. Which is like 6 or 7 years of jumping and jumping. It's so bad and I never got to rest. I was abused, assaulted physically and sexually. Because I wanted love. In Psychology, when one person jumps from relationship to relationship it means that they never had enough emotional support and not loved enough by there own family. So they search for that kind of love they want but it hurts them more in the end and they don't give up until they have enough. It's like running through a battlefield while your getting shot at by bullets but you feel indestructible and you would feel the pain but ignore it and keep on going. But when being in quarantine this could help me love and heal myself for once. So yeah...I have online classes, I'm exercising, I'm spending time on my own and hoping to pick up new hobbies along the way. So this is gonna feel like a long journey. Thank you all so much for your comments. I do appreciate your time. Wish me luck and stay indoors and be safe from the virus.

 

Love sgtpepper

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Can he pick up his stuff another time?

 

You have no idea how much time he's been spending with that other woman, where they've gone or who SHE has exposed herself to.

 

Is his stuff anything he absolutely cannot live without for a few weeks? "Stuff" isn't worth contracting a deadly virus.

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You should pack up his things and leave in a box outside for him for a contactless pickup. Don't let him inside, don't come out to talk to him.

 

And yeah, he should have worn a rubber but that would have been no fun for him because he loves drama

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Yeah..he never told me that he spent almost the whole day with her a couple of days ago...and he lied to me that he did get the paternity test and it all came back positive...it isn't but I might just put it outside his where he lives because I cannot stand seeing it now...

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I expected so much from him and I overloved and thought he was the one to spend my life with....

 

This is a lesson to take with you moving forward. 2 months is nowhere near enough time to really know a person, much less know if you are compatible enough to spend your life with him.

 

I would remind yourself to keep some healthy perspective in the future. Take your time with a new guy, and don't assume that sharing your deepest traumas is a true bonding agent so early on. Evaluate who that guy surrounds himself with. Ask yourself what choices he has made that have led him to wherever he is in life. Remember that people are generally on their best behaviour in the early months of a relationship, and when drama starts to bubble up even in those stages, you need to take a hard look at the guy in front of you.

 

In other words, don't place a desire to be loved ahead of your own well-being by investing too much too soon, especially with someone who has red flags on him from the get-go.

 

You deserve someone who can adds joy, serenity and emotional security to your life. This guy? He was never going to be that person.

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I went to the gynecologist about 2 weeks ago for my yearly pap smear and get blood work done, NOT BECAUSE HIM, but I have been paranoid to get HIV/AIDS for about a couple of years. I was sexually assaulted and every since then I have been paranoid that if I had contacted something much worse than chlamydia. So I have been getting blood work twice a year to double check. But I haven't gotten my results back and I'm stressed out to not knowing if I'm okay.

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It's because I tend to come out strong and i am an impatient person. So I meet someone, I like them, I see them, I hang with them and I have feelings and it happens so quickly that I don't know how to slow it down. I even tell them that if we can take it slow because it was overwhelming with emotions and in the end I break it off because I feel not good enough or insecure and tell them that they deserve so much better. I don't know how the pace should be or what do do if I find the right one. Because I want to get married and start a family of my own...I see my niece that is 2 months old and I start to feel sad because I want babies. Yeah I know it sounds crazy because it's a huge responsibility and stressful. But I find comfort in it somehow. So yeah it was 2 months in, but was just so much we shared and I wanted to be there for him. He grew up pretty bad...abusive father and alcoholic mother and witnessing divorce on his birthday. Getting sexually assaulted and abuse as a young kid. Jumped from house to house for shelter. Ended up breaking in and stealing stuff from public schools. Spent 5 years with abusive ex. Moving to different state to work, coming back and having to deal with more drama and leaving to escape it, but the past coming back and now he's caught in trash. So yeah that is his life so far. Or what I know so far I guess...complete chaos.

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He said that he had a history of doing cocaine, meth, crack, shrooms and I believe that's all. But that was like years ago. And he's been going to his yearly check up and got blood work done and it all came back normal.

 

Please, take everything he says with a huge boulder of salt. Unless you have seen the reports from his doctor with your own eyes, you have no clue if he's telling the truth.

 

Do get yourself checked now for STIs and HIV. I wouldn't trust that he's never done some of these drugs intravenously, nor that he is responsible enough to protect himself when he has sex. Actually, you already know he has unprotected sex. You are at risk here.

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Please, take everything he says with a huge boulder of salt. Unless you have seen the reports from his doctor with your own eyes, you have no clue if he's telling the truth.

 

Do get yourself checked now for STIs and HIV. I wouldn't trust that he's never done some of these drugs intravenously, nor that he is responsible enough to protect himself when he has sex. Actually, you already know he has unprotected sex. You are at risk here.

 

Uhhh I just said in a comment that I did go to a gynecologist appointment about 2 weeks for a pap smear and blood work to see if I am okay in general. NOT BECAUSE OF HIM, but for myself. But I still haven't got my results yet because it takes about 2 to 3 weeks for the results to come back.

 

Update: Everything came back negative except for having BV which is something that goes away quick.

Edited by sgtpepper
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Self-medicate?

 

Self medicate means to use something that resembles medication to have the same effects as medicine. It's an expression -some self-medicate with food -they use food as a medicine to lift their spirits/feel better. Others use alcohol. Perhaps you use sex for this purpose?

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What kind of drugs do he and his friends use? Is this a crack-house they all live in?

 

He didn't live in a crack house. He just lived with his abusive ex in a nice apartment and he had to be paying rent and other utilities because she didn't want to get a job or help out. He would get drugs from his friends that he used to work with and have done it after work or hang at a friends house when he used to work graveyards.

Edited by sgtpepper
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Self medicate means to use something that resembles medication to have the same effects as medicine. It's an expression -some self-medicate with food -they use food as a medicine to lift their spirits/feel better. Others use alcohol. Perhaps you use sex for this purpose?

 

I have self-medicated with sex before, but I stopped doing so. I just wanted to be in a stable relationship especially with him. We didn't have sex that much because I told him in the beginning that I was afraid and I just wanted to be meaningful and he agreed and understood.

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In a short 56 days of hanging out with him , why do you “know” so much about him and why did that “knowledge” not make you run as far away from him as possible???

 

Someone’s past is their past , they can’t help that. But for them to so readily tell a stranger (you) about it suggests that their past is still in the present and therefore are not in a place to start a relationship nevermind a successful one.

 

It sounds like neither you or him has dealt with your past or overcome it.

That’s why you both have unsuccessful relationships time and time again.

 

Do NOT consider entering a relationship until YOU have dealt with your issues with professional help.

 

Only then can you actually make wise choices in a partner.

 

Seriously you it seems believe that you both would be fine if he had only worn a condom in his 5 year relationship???

Why would you be relieved about an sti check being negative if he had worn a condom in the 56 days you were together???

 

That does not make sense at all!!

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In a short 56 days of hanging out with him , why do you “know” so much about him and why did that “knowledge” not make you run as far away from him as possible???

 

Someone’s past is their past , they can’t help that. But for them to so readily tell a stranger (you) about it suggests that their past is still in the present and therefore are not in a place to start a relationship nevermind a successful one.

 

It sounds like neither you or him has dealt with your past or overcome it.

That’s why you both have unsuccessful relationships time and time again.

 

Do NOT consider entering a relationship until YOU have dealt with your issues with professional help.

 

Only then can you actually make wise choices in a partner.

 

Seriously you it seems believe that you both would be fine if he had only worn a condom in his 5 year relationship???

Why would you be relieved about an sti check being negative if he had worn a condom in the 56 days you were together???

 

That does not make sense at all!!

 

All do respect I don't understand your concern? Or if it makes sense? I'm rereading it over and over and I don't understand about the STI part? Everything came back negative and that is all I am happy about. Everyone has a past and some seek help but others are afraid too or can't afford it. I can't afford therapy right now. That is why I'm typing my problems here because this is the support and other websites that I can relive myself. Yes I need professional help thanks alot. I've been in and out of therapy most of my life. But I can't right now. Look we broke it off last week. It's done and over with. We haven't talked or anything. And I'm trying help myself get better. Physical, emotional and mentally. So what I'm doing now is avoid getting involved with anyone. I'm trying, give me credit. Plus I was with him because I didn't care about his past. He made mistakes but I can see that he was trying to improve himself but his past overpowered him and I understood. Like come on. Think of someone who has been in a terrible relationship that you absolutely disapproved but they felt like it didn't matter because they felt happy for some reason and you wonder why?

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Wow. That is a crazy story. I’m sorry to hear all of this. Unfortunately. Yes. If that is his baby. He will forever be tied to that girl. You just have to ask yourself, he is worth all the trouble?? If you get a lingering sense that he will end of cheating on you with her, you’re probably right. That sounds horrid but if he is already showing signs of anger or resentment towards you after the baby, the girl will work her way back into his arms. I hate to lay it down like this but because your guys relationship is so young. You probably don’t hold as much value to him as his ex does. Stay strong girl. And move on. ♥️

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