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Hi everyone!:)

 

Didn't went on this website for a long time, things have been so good for me lately and I feel a lot better.

I was in a depression before (when I posted more on this website), I have been gone a while to travel around the world, and it did wonders to my mental health, together with the things I learned from my psychiatrist.

In my last post I told how I struggled with my ex deleting his social media. This was hard at the beginning, but faded quickly. I didn't think about him all the time anymore and really felt like I was moving on faster then before. Before was a real struggle.

 

Before he used to check my Social media (watching my stories, I removed him from following me but he kept watching).

 

 

During my travels the virus came up, and instead of staying there I had to change plans real fast and come back home again.

I still feel good and much stronger then before. Downside is that for some reason, my ex got back his social media and started to watch my stories again (he deleted it on the day I started with my travels and got it back the day I got back.. weird coincidence). I notice, since I have to stay inside a lot and its completely different then the freedom I felt before, that I think about him a lot more. I deleted my social media for a week for a bit of rest of checking him checking me, but I got it back today and he checks immediately (without following me). I deleted it again, I dont want to keep busy with him the whole time.

Its just a very different situation then before, and if I have to be honest, I hope he would say something but he probably wont. It messes with my head, sometimes Im thinking about sending him a message.

 

I guess I post this here to ask for advice/similiair stories. Its hard to care about someone but knowing its probably for the best not to speak. Especially in this situation of staying home without a lot of distractions.

I think he thinks the same but cant resist the temptation to check.

 

Hope you guys understand and good luck in these weird times x

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Do you think him viewing your page means he wants to get back together?

 

I dont know what he thinks.. I hope to hear from him, but I dont think I ever will. I think he would have done it before.

Personally I think he misses me but probably realizes it would be hard to get back together (he lives in another country as well). Maybe he wants to see if Im dating someone else. There is some interest at least, otherwise you wouldnt check on an ex you dont follow since the last six months. But getting back together is another thing.

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Sorry about this.

 

You seem to know what's needed here—blocking him—while also admitting you're not ready for that. Which, hey, is okay. Human. Sometimes we need to eat a little bit too much candy before committing to the diet, or dip into the candy jar mid diet to get back on track.

 

Social media? It's candy, always. It's what people to turn to when they are bored, antsy, which a lot of people are at present. I'm not very active on Instagram, but I've noticed, for instance, that whenever I post a story these days—a photo of salmon cooking, say—I get about 15 messages from friends, little emoji stickers, all that. Prior to coronavirus? That never happened. Those people just watched my stories, went on with their lives. Now they've got a little more time on their hands, a little more hurt in their spirits, and so the added connection helps a bit.

 

So it goes.

 

But when it's an ex suddenly lurking, fueled by the same juju? Well, that's when it's less healthy, for everyone involved, as you know. Be it during a global pandemic, or just a random week, I think it's always worth reminding ourselves that if all we have are story views to gauge a connection and feel some feelings that we are kind of huffing paint thinner from a paper bag. Happens. Been there. But I do think if you can call yourself out on in, rather than reading his story views as hieroglyphics and savoring that adrenaline buzz that comes when his name pops up, you'll find you are continuing on the wonderful road you've been on: moving forward, growing, learning from this chapter in life, rather than slipping back or spinning around in place.

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Sorry about this.

 

You seem to know what's needed here—blocking him—while also admitting you're not ready for that. Which, hey, is okay. Human. Sometimes we need to eat a little bit too much candy before committing to the diet, or dip into the candy jar mid diet to get back on track.

 

Social media? It's candy, always. It's what people to turn to when they are bored, antsy, which a lot of people are at present. I'm not very active on Instagram, but I've noticed, for instance, that whenever I post a story these days—a photo of salmon cooking, say—I get about 15 messages from friends, little emoji stickers, all that. Prior to coronavirus? That never happened. Those people just watched my stories, went on with their lives. Now they've got a little more time on their hands, a little more hurt in their spirits, and so the added connection helps a bit.

 

So it goes.

 

But when it's an ex suddenly lurking, fueled by the same juju? Well, that's when it's less healthy, for everyone involved, as you know. Be it during a global pandemic, or just a random week, I think it's always worth reminding ourselves that if all we have are story views to gauge a connection and feel some feelings that we are kind of huffing paint thinner from a paper bag. Happens. Been there. But I do think if you can call yourself out on in, rather than reading his story views as hieroglyphics and savoring that adrenaline buzz that comes when his name pops up, you'll find you are continuing on the wonderful road you've been on: moving forward, growing, learning from this chapter in life, rather than slipping back or spinning around in place.

 

Hey Bluecastle, thank you so much for your reply! I love the way you put it, and thank you for understanding. Knowing something is better for you is different then acting on it. I can imagine this works different for every person, but for me it is hard at the moment. Im going to set my mind on blocking him and see how it goes.

 

Trying to understand feelings while having so many at the same time is hard. All I want to do is talk with him, but while we were trying to get back together he stopped talking to me all of a surfen and we never talked again. I only send him a message to let him know its a shame it has to end this way and Im done as well, and deleted him from everything and blocked him on Whatsapp. So many questions still. And because I feel a lot still its hard to block him. I know he cares somehow.

Would be amazing to feel less in situations like this, how helpful that would be.

I agree on the connection you mention, it just gets inside your head and nothing else changes. Its not real. But for a thinker like me it does make me wonder, it does make me think. I wish it would become real at some point and there would be real contact, which is why blocking feels so hard. I find it hard to let go of that thought and some hope that's left. He was very important to me.

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I agree with Blue. This is a great test of your fortitude. Its easy to put things behind you when your traveling the world, having a great time.

 

Now is when you take that new you and new more positive outlook and you bring it home to your every day "normal" life and routine.

 

Don't let this pandemic and scary time set you back. The point of moving on, is to move on for good.

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I've never once gotten back with an ex. If he broke up with me, he didn't care enough to work on problems together, or he had different dating/life goals than me, so we didn't match. If I broke up with him, I'd thought long and hard on that important decision, and it was for a good reason and was best for myself.

 

It's extremely rare for on again, off again relationships to work out. I'd rather risk my heart on someone new.

 

It usually takes an epiphany for someone's bad behavior to change for the better in a major way. Not something to count on. I know my friend broke up with her bf because he was speaking to exes. They eventually got back together and bought a house together. After a year and a half, he went back to the same behavior, talking to exes, and she had to buy him out of the house.

 

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

 

It's normally taken me a minimum of 4 months to be able to move on after a breakup with no contact. You're subjecting yourself to limbo and continuing feelings when you allow him access to your social media. You will be missing opportunities while remaining within this dead zone. Because you can't begin to be open to opening the door to new possibilities when you have your foot squarely stuck in the back door.

 

The right guy will never leave you, not even once, or give you cause to end things. But you need to cut the losers loose in order to find the right one. Good luck.

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I don't personally think that blocking someone is closing the door to "real contact." Almost the opposite: it's opening up the door to "real" contact—first within, and by extension with others. Because the "contact" you're presently describing and thinking about? It is not real, and the more we indulge in what is not real—and particularly if that indulgence triggers real feelings—then we are inherently moving further and further away from reality, conditioning ourselves to experience real feelings through falsehoods. We are taking what is real and turning it into a game where everyone loses, a maze where everyone just gets lost.

 

If "all" you want to do is talk to him? Well, you can reach out and tell him exactly that. And you see how he responds. No laws against that, and I write this as someone who counts among my best friends a woman who was my girlfriend many, many moons ago. Or you can dig deep and acknowledge that you may not quite want that—not know, maybe not ever, which is okay—and that what you really want is more primal, more human, which is to know that he still thinks about you, cares, feels things, is wrestling with questions just as you are. You want to know that pipe is still there to take a hit from.

 

To which I am confident in telling you: yes, he does, and is.

 

I am 40. I care about my eighth grade girlfriend, along with someone I broke up with three years ago. I talk to neither, and the latter is blocked, not out of malice, but because I recognized that that open door just closed me off from metabolizing that period in my past in a way that allowed me to be present, which inherently limited my future. I hope those human beings are doing well on planet earth, am grateful for the time we had, their influence on my life. I'm sorry for some things too, of course, and every so often I have to wrestle with a question or two from the past in the confines of my spirit. But I take comfort in knowing that those stumbles taught me some lessons, and I'm a better person today for slipping and learning to stand up again.

 

No need to validate all that in a story view, you know? Since to my mind it would just invalidate it.

 

Exes think about exes, feel things for exes. That was the case 1,000 years ago, and will be the case 1,000 years from now. We happen to be living in a moment where that very human reality can be indulged impulsively, which is dangerous. Where it was once the poets who wrestled with their pasts and past heartaches, today we are all poets with our fingertips on screens, scrolling through a list of names and spinning stories in our heads. Keep in mind, however, that many of those poets were drunks, drug addicts, tortured souls who struggled to live in the present and were pretty awful to be around. But, hey, they made some poems. Scrolling and ruminating? It doesn't even add up to that. It just adds up to more sand through the fingers.

 

Along with Lambert, I say see this little moment as a challenge, and rise up to meet it, trusting that you will soon be thanking yourself for that growth spurt. I have run from pain with the best of them—crossing the planet, jumping out of planes, tearing it up on a motorcycle. But it's learning to sit with it, and learning that it can just pass through you, where you find the real juice of self-empowerment, the real salve that is healing instead of running.

 

Lots of words that suddenly remind me of a meme, or tweet, or something that crossed my own social media feed the other day. A quote from a famous female comedian to the effect of: "No matter how bored you are, DON'T text your ex right now." Same could be said for viewing their stories, of course. Your ex may not have that wisdom, but you can embrace it.

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One thing to add:

 

Imagine if Instagram did not have a function that told you who viewed your stories—if instead of names, there was just a number at the bottom of the screen. If that was the case, you wouldn't be spinning the way you are now, which is to say that you are spinning the way you are primarily because a handful of clever employees of the Facebook Corporation came up with a way to make their product even more addictive.

 

I like remembering that, because it demystifies it all a bit.

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I understand your reluctance to block him, but....you would finally free yourself, cut that cord. As scary as it may be you might find it rather uplifting to finally let this all go for good. It's a decision and just like every decision, it's not easy to make or act on. A bit like standing on the edge of the pool and you know the water is a bit cold, but once you jump in....it's exhilarating and fun and you don't feel the cold.

 

This tenuous quasi-connection that you are keeping around is not beneficial anymore, quite the opposite - it's making you feel bad and sad and down, especially so during this stressful time of quarantines and uncertainty. It's turned a corner where now it's plain harmful to you. This is really no longer about him or what he does, it's about you choosing to let this go at long last. To turn a fresh page in your life.

 

The freedom in your travels? Give yourself the same freedom now in terms of relationships. You can't form new ones, when you are still stuck on the old no matter how tenuous that may be. Let it go and open your heart and mind fully to new possibilities, new horizons, new opportunities, new people, new sights.

 

The quarantine is temporary. Rather than turning to social media, think of other to do lists, projects, something to occupy not just your mind but your hands as well. If you've ever wanted to learn something new, there are tons of online courses being offered up for free from prestigious universities. If you want to occupy yourself in a healthy way, there really is plenty you can do outside of distressing yourself with long ago ex's and social media.

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Yes, it is an adjustment for sure. People are struggling with social isolation, working from home. The big outing is supermarkets standing on line a meter apart with workers wearing masks. The news is not about visible enemies, but a silent killer.

 

Dating is non-dating. Existing relationships can get strained. Everything is unknown in a new situation. Plans are canceled. There is a new abnormal normal.

 

The best thing you can do is reconnect to friends, family, coworkers etc through social media. Reach out to people. Ask how people you haven't talked to in a while are doing. Don't let boredom or isolation guide you down the wrong roads. But use it to catch up on things.

During my travels the virus came up, and instead of staying there I had to change plans real fast and come back home again. Downside is that for some reason, my ex got back his social media and started to watch my stories again. I hope he would say something but he probably wont. It messes with my head, sometimes Im thinking about sending him a message.

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Do yourself a big favor, block and delete this guy.

 

Reach out to friends, finish up projects around the home, and get outside for exercise. These things are more productive and positive, than agonizing over someones viewing habits.

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I agree with others, block him permanently. Then he will fade away from your brain and become "out of sight, out of mind." :smug:

 

I was once you. Granted, my story is not the same as yours. However, whenever I've parted ways with anyone for life regardless of who it was, it took time and this is what you need to give yourself: time. Time heals old wounds. You have a lot of time during this COVID-19 pandemic so take advantage of it.

 

Turn your cell phone, PC, desktop, Internet, social media, all of it "OFF" because it's a huge time trap which is tremendous wasted time and energy. Become productive and industrious, exercise, read a book (not e-book), hobbies, engage in intellectual pursuits and preoccupy yourself with busy, healthy distractions. Declutter, clean, organize and get your home in order. Now is a good time to do it.

 

Then he and bad memories will become a blur. Between time and busyness, there are many days or months where I don't even think about despicable people from my past anymore. Create your own happiness. That's what my mother taught me. She said: "Happiness is found in small places." :D

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Hi OP,

 

I can relate to everything you are saying. Me ex-gf broke up with me 9 months ago (for the 2nd time). I couldn't delete her too. But after a few months I deleted her from Facebook, a few months later I removed her from my followers on instagram.

But I too am having a difficult time to make my profile private and not public. Why? The simple reason to know if she still checks my stories. Why again? Because you think they still care for you if they check your stories. You'll see it as a sign they still love you.

And yes they still care, but viewing your instagramstories isn't a sign that they love you. If they wanted to be with you, they would reach out to you. And as long as they don't reach out, please put your profile private.

 

I bet you are posting some stories just to know if your ex is still watching them or that you are hoping that he would respond.

 

Stop it, believe me you will feel relieved.

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Hi lovely people!

 

So many replies and such great advice from all of you. Thank you so much, Im sure Ill come back to this thread when I feel like reading this messages. They helped a lot and make me feel more powerful to choose for myself. Accepting the fact that a relationship you cared for is over can be quite hard, but like a lot of you say: If he wanted to say something he would.

Anyways I put my profile on private some days ago (blocking was too much atm). He deleted his account a couple of days later so I guess is that's that. Im going to try to focus on myself more these days. Again thanks for the nice words and taking time to reply to a stranger.

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