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Help me get over this.. jealousy over boyfriend's female friend


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I want to discuss it but I'm not sure what to say, how to approach it without causing any drama between us.

 

The problem, right now, is that not talking about is what's causing the drama. The nervy anxiety in your spirit? That is drama.

 

Yeah, it's come up, but still those talks end with more questions simmering in your mind than answers that slow the spins and create some space to keep exploring. Example: your "hope" that he would just delete her from Facebook. That hope doesn't create security, but just more insecurity, since instead of actually setting a boundary that's important to you you're setting it in your mind and "hoping" he'll respond positively.

 

DancingFool offered great advice for how to broach this—particularly the part about not being scared to rock the boat. That's a fear in you, I think, that predated him, just as his questionable boundaries existed in him before knowing you. Right now, those two "weak" sides in each of you are connecting, to the detriment of your connection. You are both validating qualities in the other that create disharmony, kind of like building a home with a few questionable materials. If what you both ultimately want is the same thing—a committed relationship in which you are both secure, aka a solid home—you've got to access the "strong" sides in each of you, or at least see if they're there to connect.

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Yea you're totally on point with this, I'm trying to be "cool"about it, there are reasons for that. One is honestly... I'm afraid of what people close to him will think of me if I'm the reason she's gone from his life. I'm afraid his friends and family will think I'm a jealousy freak because they have all known this girl and my boyfriend to be such close friends for so long.

 

The other is I'm afraid that he will have a dramatic reaction, I'm afraid of what he'll say or do... What if I tell him that I'm really uncomfortable with him having friends in Facebook he's been lovers with and he just thinks I'm insecure...? Whenever I bring this up he tells me I'm insecure

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I want to discuss it but I'm not sure what to say, how to approach it without causing any drama between us.
I understand the fear. It does tell you something about the relationship...I suspect you are not being true to yourself, as to not rock the relationship. This usually doesn't work. Things just fester.

 

Think about how he's brought things up to you. Usually the way people tell you something, is the way they are used to hearing. Find the right time... when you're both relaxed and talking openly... You can always start with being honest, saying you want to talk but you're feeling uneasy bringing it up.

 

At the very least, you will learn whether or not this man can talk through things calmly and rationally, with compassion and concern for what you're going through, with a willingness to listen without going scorched earth, which is equally important, in a relationship, as any problem at hand.

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You're right about my not wanting to rock the boat and that predating him... And I guess his questionable boundaries too.. I'm honestly afraid that he will just get offended or something if I bring it up, he will call me insecure and tell me it's in my head.. I'm afraid of what he will say if I tell him I'm not comfortable with him having ex lovers on his Facebook.

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You're right about my not wanting to rock the boat and that predating him... And I guess his questionable boundaries too.. I'm honestly afraid that he will just get offended or something if I bring it up, he will call me insecure and tell me it's in my head.. I'm afraid of what he will say if I tell him I'm not comfortable with him having ex lovers on his Facebook.

 

"Afraid" should never be part of a love relationship.

 

What you're saying is you fear he will leave you if you express your feelings.

 

I mean, you're not doing like my brother's ex did...she demanded he never, ever communicate in ANY way with ANY female who wasn't her. She screamed at him because he texted me. Yes, me, his SISTER.

 

If you're afraid, that says a lot about the relationship and how you perceive your place. As in, you value him more than you value yourself. That's concerning.

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Yea you're totally on point with this, I'm trying to be "cool"about it, there are reasons for that. One is honestly... I'm afraid of what people close to him will think of me if I'm the reason she's gone from his life. I'm afraid his friends and family will think I'm a jealousy freak because they have all known this girl and my boyfriend to be such close friends for so long.

 

The other is I'm afraid that he will have a dramatic reaction, I'm afraid of what he'll say or do... What if I tell him that I'm really uncomfortable with him having friends in Facebook he's been lovers with and he just thinks I'm insecure...? Whenever I bring this up he tells me I'm insecure

 

You're the one that has to date him - not them, so why care about what they have to think about YOUR relationship. If he tells you you're insecure, drop him like a ton of bricks. Don't accept gaslighting behavior.

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You're right about my not wanting to rock the boat and that predating him... And I guess his questionable boundaries too.. I'm honestly afraid that he will just get offended or something if I bring it up, he will call me insecure and tell me it's in my head.. I'm afraid of what he will say if I tell him I'm not comfortable with him having ex lovers on his Facebook.
If he does any of these things, you still get to say "I'm not insecure. I'm just not willing to be treated like my feelings aren't valid'

 

And listen, you cannot live your life or make decisions about your relationship based on what his friends and family think. That will only make you crazy....

 

At the end if the day, your relationship is between the two of you. You have to be ok with all of it.

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You're right about my not wanting to rock the boat and that predating him... And I guess his questionable boundaries too.. I'm honestly afraid that he will just get offended or something if I bring it up, he will call me insecure and tell me it's in my head.. I'm afraid of what he will say if I tell him I'm not comfortable with him having ex lovers on his Facebook.

 

Well, this is a problem—except it can also be a challenge.

 

Think about it all less in the context of how it will affect him, than in the context of who do you want to be? Because whether you're with him for another week or the rest of your life, you have to live with yourself, and in your own skin. This is an opportunity to become more comfortable in that—to grow—rather than twisting and bending around to find comfort in not ruffling someone's feathers.

 

People who know what they can, and can't, handle are super attractive.

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You guys are really opening my eyes to this... This has been a problem from the start and his continued stand that I'm just insecure and jealous...I thought he was right

 

Someone who cares about you and your feelings isn't going to dismiss you like that. Then again, if you knew that he cares about your feelings, you wouldn't be afraid to talk to him, but you already know that he'll gaslight and dismiss you. So is this really the kind of a relationship you want to be in?

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He did this to his last partner insisting she was "insecure and jealous", now you fear he will use that as his offensive defense. He seems to think this "honesty" is a way to gain trust and perhaps lay the groundwork for the "we're just friends" story.

 

He believes that by introducing her, being faux-forthcoming etc he can pull this off and have you think you're the one who has a problem. Pay attention to how his last partner reacted (dumped him). Gaslighting is precisely what he is doing and that is to get you to doubt your sanity, common sense and reason.

So that is considered gaslighting? I had wondered if he was gaslighting me
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I'm afraid of what people close to him will think of me if I'm the reason she's gone from his life. I'm afraid his friends and family will think I'm a jealousy freak because they have all known this girl and my boyfriend to be such close friends for so long.

 

The other is I'm afraid that he will have a dramatic reaction, I'm afraid of what he'll say or do... What if I tell him that I'm really uncomfortable with him having friends in Facebook he's been lovers with and he just thinks I'm insecure...? Whenever I bring this up he tells me I'm insecure

 

Did you ever stop to think he chose you as a girlfriend because you lack self-love, and he knew you'd stick around because you're the type he could manipulate into doing things his way, because you see your needs as being on the lowest rung of the ladder?

 

Because a person who has self-worth will think more about what's best for herself versus how it will effect a partners inner circle. Also, you'd be far less fearful that you'd be losing him since he doesn't share your boundaries, and would think that even though you care, it's best to not waste any more time on someone who has opposite ideas on what's okay in a relationship.

 

No, you can't control someone as a puppet, preventing them from doing anything. But you can admit incompatibility and choose to walk away. If he did choose to end his friendship with his ex because he values your friendship, but then spread your dirty laundry among his friends, blaming you instead of saying you two decided as a team it was for the best, or told them nothing, saying it was personal, then you can also make the determination if sticking around is what is best or not, depending on if his behavior is mature or immature.

 

Observe a partner when the discussions are major like this. He will tell you all you need to know. If he thinks you're insecure, it's another clear sign his mindset is totally different than yours, which means you're trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole, which is why this relationship is nothing but a major headache.

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I can really understand where you're coming from, OP. It seems that you're really making an effort to be cool with your partner, so that you can feel secure with him. Unfortunately you and he are coming from very different places.

 

You're saying that you feel you're a 'second option' to him, and that you're worried you might be in for a repeat of his last relationship. In truth, you're probably not a 'second option', because as things stand he can have both of you, in some sense - making himself feel valued and sought-after. Rather than worrying about what might happen in the future, it's more important to look at what's happening now.

 

He may be a wonderful man in many ways, but he's completely dismissive of your feelings. While it's admirable to accept a partner's opposite-sex friends if there's no past history of romantic or sexual involvement, he is basically asking you to accommodate a third party into your relationship and then accusing you of being insecure when you don't like it.

 

I came to learn later on that this girl had become a problem during his 9 year relationship, according to him his ex was "insecure and jealous of her, so he had to be a bad friend and stop seeing her".

 

This ^^^ sounds very manipulative. It's a hint to you that you need to accept his "friendship" with her or you'll be guilty of turning him into a bad friend - not that he needs to enforce better boundaries in relationships and take responsibility for himself.

 

As others have said, he is entitled to be friends with whoever he wants. You, however, are not obliged to remain in a situation which has you eating your heart out, to the detriment of your own emotional health and self-esteem. I also know from experience that this kind of thing does not get better with time, and there will always be that part of you which is worrying and guessing. Fear and mistrust will grow in the relationship, rather than love.

 

I appreciate that you love him, and it will be a huge wrench to end it right now when you were hoping all this would magically disappear. There has been some excellent advice as to how to tackle that talk with him, and I'd follow it.

 

So sorry you're going through this; it's a really painful situation to be in.

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