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Hi All,

First time posting on a forum and I need help.

My other half has a child from a previous relationship, his ex denies him contact so much so that she says he’s only allowed to spend time with his son supervised (by her). This is understandably soul destroying for my partner, who is desperate to spend time with his son.

Mid last year I brought up that I would like us to think about starting a family and he said that he couldn’t even consider that whilst his ex is being difficult about his son. Since then things haven’t moved forward. He refuses to even see a solicitor for fear that she will find out and stop him seeing his boy all together.

I’ve booked us in for counselling to try and discuss a way forward on this, we’ve had one session so far and the last two have been cancelled through no fault of our own, and I suspect next weeks will be as well. The issue I am having is I’m 37, I don’t really have the time to waste another 2 and a half years with someone that doesn’t see us having kids together. At what point do I draw the line or am I being unfair.

I’m trying to understand from his point of view; but I really would like us to move forward and i feel like we can’t.

I’m fine for a weeks then something triggers me off and we’ll have a blazing row where I’ll accusing him of being selfish etc etc. I don’t mean it, but I’m devastated and lashing out.

If anyone can give me any practical advice here I’d be so grateful as I’m at the end of my tether and I’m sure he is too - HELP!!

I love him, I want to stay with him, but not at the expense of having a family.

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You need to do what you need to do. As selfish that may sound, if you’re not on the same page regarding children. He’s in a waiting period and you don’t sound as if you want to wait. If it’s causing fighting and general unhappiness, then it’s best to call it a day and move on.

 

I firmly believe life is short and if you find you have major incompatibilities such as wanting children. It’s best to find someone on the same page.

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Agreed, he should have a court ordered custody agreement so he can stop allowing his ex to dictate the terms of his visitation. I think he's using it as an excuse not to have a child with you. Why should that stop him from having a child with someone he loves? It shouldn't. You're absolutely right, I would consider leaving too. If you stay with him and end up without a child, you'll be bitter just like my cousin who feels cheated every time she looks at my children. You're not selfish to consider leaving someone who's not on the same page as you with having a child, you're smart. Good luck.

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Unless he abuses his child or doesn't pay child support for some reason, he would never be denied in seeing his child. He's allowing this psychological drama and you shouldn't be caught up in it. Who needs a coward who can't do what's best for his son? Doesn't sound like the ideal parent to me.

 

You already had the discussions, and waiting around for hope is wasted time. Agreeing on having children or not is a major deal and one a couple has to agree on, or they shouldn't be together. Yes, make your exit quickly, because there's no stopping your biological clock. Good luck.

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Something is off, as seeing a lawyer would increase his chances. Don't really understand why he has not sought visitation through the courts. Are you certain you are getting the whole story? Is he paying support?

 

He does not trust you due to the situation. I think it is time to move on, he is wasting your time.

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Something is off, as seeing a lawyer would increase his chances. Don't really understand why he has not sought visitation through the courts. Are you certain you are getting the whole story? Is he paying support?

 

I wondered that too. It doesn't make sense that he refuses to see a lawyer because he's worried she will further restrict his time with the boy. If he's a decent father, a lawyer will prevent that from happening.

 

The fact that he's refusing to do so does raise an eyebrow, especially when he's also telling you he can't start a family with you unless he gets this other situation sorted out. And yet - he is the one not taking an important step to sort it out. I think it's one of two things: A) There's something he's not telling you about the reason why Mom keeps the child away from him, and he doesn't want it coming out in court, or B) He doesn't actually have the stones to tell he doesn't want more kids at all, and uses this as an excuse to keep putting you off.

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Sorry to hear this however the courts, not his ex decides about supervised visitation and it is based on his behavior/history not the ex's whims. It would be best not to allow him to pump you with lies, self-pity or get caught in the crossfire between him and his ex. He won't see an attorney because he already knows why the courts ordered this and knows it can't be modified until certain criteria or time frames have been met.

 

Do not have children with this man. Anyone who has court ordered supervised visitation clearly should not be around kids. Do not date angry men with so much baggage and hatred that you continue to be hurt and waste your time in his war and denying you happiness or a future. At best you are incompatible. He is lying to you about a great deal of things and worse painting himself the victim when his innocent child is the victim of his ugly war with his mother.

 

Don't waste your money or time on counseling. He does not want to change. If he did the courts would not restrict his visitation. Do not try to 'understand someone this selfish and angry. Kick him out and you'll be much happier.

his ex denies him contact so much so that she says he’s only allowed to spend time with his son supervised. I brought up that I would like us to think about starting a family and he said that he couldn’t even consider that whilst his ex is being difficult about his son. I’ve booked us in for counselling to try and discuss a way forward on this. we’ll have a blazing row
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If he refuses to seek legal help to resolve his current difficulties, and he's using those difficulties as a wedge to moving forward with you, then this is in his hands.

 

I'd tell him exactly what you told us: I love him, I want to stay with him, but not at the expense of my ability to have children of my own. That's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. He gets to decide whether he'll hire an attorney and resolve his problem, and if so, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

This leaves your door open to him, even while it liberates you from limbo in order to find a better match for the future you envision for yourself.

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If he refuses to seek legal help to resolve his current difficulties, and he's using those difficulties as a wedge to moving forward with you, then this is in his hands.

 

I'd tell him exactly what you told us: I love him, I want to stay with him, but not at the expense of my ability to have children of my own. That's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. He gets to decide whether he'll hire an attorney and resolve his problem, and if so, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

This leaves your door open to him, even while it liberates you from limbo in order to find a better match for the future you envision for yourself.

 

Could not agree more. This is a no brainer to me. I first got pregnant before I turned 42. I am so lucky it worked naturally. And I wouldn't advise anyone to wait that long if she knows she wants to try for a biological child. It was far more stressful to have a high risk pregnancy. Also when I was in my early 30s egg freezing was not yet a viable option -I suggest you look into that as an alternative. Good luck!!

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I would have asked if he saw himself having more kids in the first few dates in the "getting to know you stage." You should not be "planning a family" with a boyfriend. He doesn't want a kid fearing if things go south with you, he will be burned again. Don't stay with this guy only to have him never change his mind or get scared and bolt. Also, you do not know what the real story is - the ex could be vindictive but there could be more to the story, as well.

 

I would throw him back in the sea and look for a man to start dating who wants kids and its just a matter of meeting the right one.

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