My fiancé is watching porn

[Skeptic76]

It’s a combination of a few things that are getting to me.

 

A) I’m here whenever to have sex. Even just to give her pleasure (It’s amazing sex - her words)

B) She knows due to previous conversations / chit chat that I don’t like porn and think it’s disrespectful

C) Shes being secretive about it,

D) The type of videos she’s watching

E) She will decline me, then watch porn (you know like when you try it on in the morning (we all been there) and the partners not in the mood **which is fine** but then you find out watches porn when you go to work

 

How is it perfectly normal to get sexual pleasure from other people whilst in a loving relationship

 

Sounds like a control issue to me. I have control issues pop up from time to time too - and in one of your other posts about anger boiling over because she did something you didn’t approve of I could recognize those feelings.

 

Any chance of letting this one go for the sake of your relationship? I mean, it sounds like you guys have a good thing going (with amazing sex to boot!) Let it go man. Just like I couldn’t tell you how to open your fist if you asked me how to unclench your hand, I can’t explain how to “let go” of your need for her to feel the same way as you do about porn - but it’s still essentially that easy! If you decide you don’t want to allow your hang up about pornography to fester and rot a part or many parts of your relationship, you can breathe deeply and LET GO. Stop asking about her private thought life. Completely and permanently. Resolve to do one nice thing for her anytime the feeling of resentment creeps up. Mentally list three things you are grateful to your wife for if you start getting worked up. There are probably a zillion other things you can think of too if you decide you want to change your dynamic.

 

If you can’t or would prefer not to let it go and it’s going to be a problem moving forward, then who’s responsibility is it to find a solution for the problem?

[Hollyj]

I guess weird was perhaps the wrong word as who’s to say what is a actually *weird*

But the majority was to do with incest “in a sense”

 

Little sister this

Step daddy that

Big brother watched me etc

 

It makes me feel sick even typing it.

Not something you would stereotype towards a grown woman watching. Maybe I’m being naive.

 

That is weird. I would't be happy with that either.

[Seanq]

Which implies that it would still be a deal of some sort to you.

I would imagine because most of all mankind and animal kind masturbates at one time or another. Sometimes we just get an urge to have an orgam without all the mechanics that making love takes. If she's not denying you sex then I think you would do yourself a favor to look within as to why you can't just let it go. Period. How really, does what she does in her own personal time affect you is a good question to ask yourself. Perhaps if you find that it doesn't really affect you at all, then you will be able to relax about it and not cause friction between the two of you. (????) Something to think about.

Where would you draw it and why? The "and why" part is the important one to delve into with yourself.

This I very much doubt. She is using the visual to help with arousal but she's only getting the gratification from her own administrations. If she was live chatting with people to get off then I wouldn't doubt your take on it at all.

 

It's not "real life" though is it.

 

Likely only a visual aid.

... or perhaps insecure and feeling out of control?

 

Straight to the point, but will respect and try to understand your thoughts

Thank you

[ThatwasThen]

I'm sorry but I missed the part telling what type of porn she was accessing. To your knowledge has she ever been sexually abused? Even with the "weird" factor, you would still be insecure/jealous/have feelings of being out of control likely no matter what the genre she was viewing which I think you would still do well to look into in yourself.

 

I guess the bottom line here is you will never trust her to give up her particular pleasure so that you feel good about yourself so now is a good time to dig deep and assess whether you should be with her.

[Seanq]

Sounds like a control issue to me. I have control issues pop up from time to time too - and in one of your other posts about anger boiling over because she did something you didn’t approve of I could recognize those feelings.

 

Any chance of letting this one go for the sake of your relationship? I mean, it sounds like you guys have a good thing going (with amazing sex to boot!) Let it go man. Just like I couldn’t tell you how to open your fist if you asked me how to unclench your hand, I can’t explain how to “let go” of your need for her to feel the same way as you do about porn - but it’s still essentially that easy! If you decide you don’t want to allow your hang up about pornography to fester and rot a part or many parts of your relationship, you can breathe deeply and LET GO. Stop asking about her private thought life. Completely and permanently. Resolve to do one nice thing for her anytime the feeling of resentment creeps up. Mentally list three things you are grateful to your wife for if you start getting worked up. There are probably a zillion other things you can think of too if you decide you want to change your dynamic.

 

If you can’t or would prefer not to let it go and it’s going to be a problem moving forward, then who’s responsibility is it to find a solution for the problem?

 

It’s still very early days but for the sake of my relationship I am going to try and let it go.

I feel very low in myself currently as I’m now anxious that I have control issues.

 

When I believe that I don’t.

I just think it’s weird the my fiancé is getting off to porn. It’s as simple as that

 

Everyone who has commented

Can you 100% say you would be ok with this?

[ThatwasThen]

Can you 100% say you would be ok with this?

I can say because I am. My spouse of of decades views porn in his private time. It doesn't bother me because he doesn't neglect me to do it. I THINK I would be a little weirded out if he was watching incest porn but it would because I would be worried that he had been abused and had unprocessed, negative thoughts about it. I do know him long enough to know that what he does watch doesn't affect him (or me) negatively in any way.

[ThatwasThen]

I'll add: Did you actually view the titles you found? I'm wondering if they were just leading to the woman in the video masturbating herself and was 'supposedly' caught by her step brother/father etc. Lots of women just view porn depicting the 'star' mastubating because they enjoy the visual. Its a type of voyeurism of sorts.

[Seanq]

I can say because I am. My spouse of of decades views porn in his private time. It doesn't bother me because he doesn't neglect me to do it. I THINK I would be a little weirded out if he was watching incest porn but it would because I would be worried that he had been abused and had unprocessed, negative thoughts about it. I do know him long enough to know that what he does watch doesn't affect him (or me) negatively in any way.

 

I wish I had the same thought pattern

I guess it’s each person to their own thoughts.

 

I’m really trying to understand/get on board with it that it’s okay.

 

I also forgot to mention the was lesbian videos Watched as well... now I have nothing against gay people AT ALL. But I’m sure you can understand why my mind started to wander

[DancingFool]

It’s still very early days but for the sake of my relationship I am going to try and let it go.

I feel very low in myself currently as I’m now anxious that I have control issues.

 

When I believe that I don’t.

I just think it’s weird the my fiancé is getting off to porn. It’s as simple as that

 

Everyone who has commented

Can you 100% say you would be ok with this?

 

Yes, I can say 100% that I am fine with it because I am. There is a proviso in that our sex life has to be rocking fab, but outside of that what he does in private is not something I seek to monitor or control. At the end of the day, it's another person's private thing and fantasy world.

 

I think the big issue for you is that you are seeing porn as real where most people don't. Porn is about as real as watching a movie. Sure, actors are real live people but the whole thing is just fantasy world, aka not actually real. If you can wrap your mind around that, it might help to move forward.

[saluk]

I watch porn and my girlfriend knows - it came up pretty early. She doesn't really care what I do on my own time, as long as I'm not addicted.

 

I don't for the life of me know why, but a lot of people are into the incest videos on porn. It's not that weird of a thing to be into. On one of the most well known porn sites even with no viewing history that genre appears often in the featured section.

 

Porn is not real life. It's exaggerated. We don't watch violent action movies because we like violent action. We watch them because they are fun to watch and get adrenaline flowing. Sometimes the taboos can make it more exciting for people, and porn is all about pure excitement. That's different from sex which is about mutual sharing, enjoyment, and connection.

 

The genre I gravitate to most is group... which, ew, I wouldn't want to go near in real life.

[smackie9]

Porn is just an escape and a safe way to enjoy your fantasies. IMO what goes on in ones head is no ones business. She's deserves her privacy. If you feel your sex life has suffered, then that's when it is a problem and should be discussed.

[Seanq]

It’s blowing my mind how “cool and calm” everyone is with this.

I respect every single post that everyone has typed I really do and I’m really trying to be rational about it.

 

I do understand what you have just said about the action movies,

 

I understand it’s not real life I do, it’s fantasy.

 

I think I may stop posting as it’s not making me feel any better

Again, thank you for all you comments time and opinions.

I will beat this

[Skeptic76]

I watch porn and my girlfriend knows - it came up pretty early. She doesn't really care what I do on my own time, as long as I'm not addicted.

 

I don't for the life of me know why, but a lot of people are into the incest videos on porn. It's not that weird of a thing to be into. On one of the most well known porn sites even with no viewing history that genre appears often in the featured section.

 

Porn is not real life. It's exaggerated. We don't watch violent action movies because we like violent action. We watch them because they are fun to watch and get adrenaline flowing. Sometimes the taboos can make it more exciting for people, and porn is all about pure excitement. That's different from sex which is about mutual sharing, enjoyment, and connection.

 

The genre I gravitate to most is group... which, ew, I wouldn't want to go near in real life.

 

I could not have put this better, well said!

 

I’m okay that both my girlfriend and I watch porn.

 

Seanq you seem like a nice guy. A thoughtful guy. I certainly didn’t mean to make accusations against your character or anything, bud. It just seems like on this particular you may be trying to control your fiancé to be the way you think she should be. You want her to feel how she “should” feel about porn.

 

You get MAD kudos from me for not being defensive and for having an open mind about how you look at the situation. You may not end up changing your mind and that would be fine - but the willingness to consider it from another perspective (or several as the case may be here) is laudable.

 

Good luck to both you and your fiancé - I sincerely hope this becomes an opportunity for love to grow and strengthen in your relationship.

[ThatwasThen]

I wish I had the same thought pattern

I guess it’s each person to their own thoughts.

 

I’m really trying to understand/get on board with it that it’s okay.

 

I also forgot to mention the was lesbian videos Watched as well... now I have nothing against gay people AT ALL. But I’m sure you can understand why my mind started to wander

Did you see where I posted this:

I'll add: Did you actually view the titles you found? I'm wondering if they were just leading to the woman in the video masturbating herself and was 'supposedly' caught by her step brother/father etc. Lots of women just view porn depicting the 'star' mastubating because they enjoy the visual. Its a type of voyeurism of sorts.

[DancingFool]

OP...if you are still around....how much of this porn thing really a red herring for a bigger issue which is your sex life. You mentioned that you only have sex twice a week but that your libido is such that you could be going at it twice per day. So is it really about porn or is this more that you found out that she is getting off in private way more than you knew while you are basically putting up with lesser sex life than you'd like? Sounds like some of this is really resentment cloaked as an issue with porn.

[SherrySher]

I understand you, OP.

 

I know again that some people do not agree, and I'm okay with that. But this is how I view it.

 

I do not want my loved one getting all horned up over someone else. I don't care if it's a video or a picture, I don't care if they don't know them or won't ever know them.

What matters to me is that they are a living breathing human being in this world and my partner is getting turned on by them...I'm not okay with that.

 

This doesn't make me controlling, nor does it make me bad or strict or anything else negative. It makes me human with a preference to have a partner who does not engage in pornography.

That's MY choice, and I won't apologize for it.

 

I am dead honest with those I date and have been from word one. I tell them what I am cool with and what doesn't work for me. Then it's up to them whether they accept it, or not.

But I do not force anyone, I do not beg, punish, manipulate.

 

I just say, "hey, I'm not into porn and I'd prefer to have a partner who is the same cause if not, it will be a problem".

But again, it's what works for me and what doesn't, and I feel it's perfectly fine.

 

Don't ever feel bad for your feelings or have someone tell you they're wrong.

 

You've told her, now let the chips fall where they may. But don't force yourself to be tortured by something that is never going to work for you.

[smackie9]

OP you don't have to listen to us. If you think your GF is a sick sick girl, then simply breakup with her. The cat is out of the bag in what she likes to indulge in. If you can't handle it, you never will be able to look at her the same again. You can't undo what you saw and what you know with a simple "Oh sorry I won't do it again" from her. That's your reality.

 

BTW the reason everyone is so calm is because a lot of us are middle aged and have seen it all and been through it all. Nothing surprises us.

[ThatwasThen]

I just say, "hey, I'm not into porn and I'd prefer to have a partner who is the same cause if not, it will be a problem".

But again, it's what works for me and what doesn't, and I feel it's perfectly fine.

And it is perfectly fine. However: If Op doesn't want to leave his g/f, then it should be him that learns to accept. If he can't do that, then the best option is to leave the relationship. He is entitled to maintain the boundary or the fear, or whatever it is about porn but what I don't think he is entitled to is to expect her to change. He can ask her to of course.

 

Don't ever feel bad for your feelings or have someone tell you they're wrong.

But do consider alternatives that you MAY be able to adopt to help you accept. You will only know whether you can adapt or not if you have alternate views to consider.

 

I guess the bottom line is choose wisely and don't settle. You have 100% success in changing yourself. You have zero to little chance in changing her. She will have success in changing if she wants to, not because of what you want.

[Skeptic76]

That's MY choice, and I won't apologize for it.

 

Absolutely valid! OP if this is how you feel deep down don't let anybody who doesn't agree with you make you feel bad about it.

 

I guess the bottom line is choose wisely and don't settle. You have 100% success in changing yourself. You have zero to little chance in changing her. She will have success in changing if she wants to, not because of what you want.

 

This post is great and the quoted part is a mic drop as far as I'm concerned!

 

Wow, Team ENA is SURGICAL with it!

[SherrySher]

And it is perfectly fine. However: If Op doesn't want to leave his g/f, then it should be him that learns to accept. If he can't do that, then the best option is to leave the relationship. He is entitled to maintain the boundary or the fear, or whatever it is about porn but what I don't think he is entitled to is to expect her to change. He can ask her to of course.

 

Yes! 100%. If she is into porn and other sexual things that you are not into, there is nothing left to do but end things with her. You cannot force her to stop or threaten or anything at all along those lines. If she doesn't want to stop and she's happy with what she is doing, then end it. You have no other option.

[SherrySher]

BTW the reason everyone is so calm is because a lot of us are middle aged and have seen it all and been through it all. Nothing surprises us.

 

So true!

 

At the end of the day, OP, you're going to run into a lot of unexpected things. Life will throw you curveballs. Don't go over the top, just decide to walk away if it's not for you.

[Tinydance]

Look this is just my opinion and I am not you of course. To me it really sounds like you're a very jealous person and you are not very open minded either. You claim you are open minded in bed but in reality you don't seem to be.

 

Watching porn is very common and quite normal. Most people do it. There is a small number of people that don't watch porn but I think you would have to really look for them. Just because she's in a relationship with you doesn't mean she doesn't at times feel like watching porn or masturbating on her own. There is a difference between porn addiction and watching something illegal, to just watching porn in general. Also people can have fetishes. A sexual fetish doesn't always mean that's the person's actual feelings. Watching lesbian porn doesn't mean she's a lesbian. My guess is many people watch incest porn because every time I browse Pornhub, there is lots of incest porn.

 

You're saying you don't want your girlfriend to get sexual enjoyment from other people. I'm, these people are not "real. I mean, they are, but she will never see them in real life. If you checked out a picture of Angelina Joliet or something in a bikini, does that mean you'd ever actually get with Angelina Jolie? No.

 

If you want to date people who don't watch porn, that is your choice. But you won't find many.

[Wiseman2]

Were they just searches? How do you know what she is watching? You are over-reacting. You have no proof she is watching anything.

When I started to type the drop downs of recent searches appeared. *porn* being one of them. a lot of recent searches

[BecxyRex]

As far as I know the Dropdown-Menu is simply stuff that lots of people search for. You’d have to dig into her history to see what she actually visited. Which I wouldn’t recommend, because, you know, we are all entitled to privacy even when in a relationship.

The step daddy step sis porn is a popular genre and has little to do with THAT topic being an actual desire, but more so with popular and attractive porn stars starring in them. I’m a woman, I’m engaged with a man I find incredibly attractive, but I still watch porn on occasion. I think you’ll have a hard time finding anyone who watches absolutely zero porn. But sure, if that’s your thing, by no means, dump her and find that person.

Having sex can be exhausting, and sometimes people aren’t in the mood for the work involved. Has nothing to do with how much they love their partners. They are simply images that leave your head immediately after you’re done.

[ThatwasThen]

They are simply images that leave your head immediately after you’re done.

True, that!