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My fiancé is watching porn


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I’m a 37 year old male and my fiancé of 3 years is 34. We have a normal sex life.

The other day she asked me to search for something on her phones web browser, she was in the room with me but cooking evening dinner.

When I started to type the drop downs of recent searches appeared. *porn* being one of them.

I instantly felt sick. I deleted what I had started to search and typed in the word *porn*

To my surprise, there was shall we say, a lot of recent searches, it was an average of I’d guess once a week for the last 3 months, what also bothered me was what type of videos she had been watching - it wasn’t anything illegal or anything like that but just, weird stuff. I work late sometimes at my office and in the 45 seconds I had... I could see it was always around the time that I wasn’t home.

I feel betrayed, I feel sick that she’s *enjoying* watching this stuff, also noticed that one of the dates was my birthday in January, which she had declined intamicy with me that morning, but then watched that.

Am I wrong for feeling jealous? What should I do? It’s really knocked my confidence.

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Do you think she is going to fall in love with one of the porn actors? Or do you feel inadequate "equipment"-wise? Or is she continually denying you sex?

 

No I don’t think that will happen, and no, I’m more than adequate. Jokes aside I could easily have sex with her twice a day without problem.

And we do have good sex. That’s what confuses me, but say for example I were to try it on, she has said before that she’s not in the mood, but then watches porn the same day :/

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How "weird?"

 

I guess weird was perhaps the wrong word as who’s to say what is a actually *weird*

But the majority was to do with incest “in a sense”

 

Little sister this

Step daddy that

Big brother watched me etc

 

It makes me feel sick even typing it.

Not something you would stereotype towards a grown woman watching. Maybe I’m being naive.

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The “family” genre of porn is super prevalent right now! (Well, that’s what a friend told me anyway 😏) Could it be possible that somebody who has zero interest in incest just likes an actor or actress that found success in the incest niche? Or it could just be something so naughty and taboo that it feels exhilarating for her to watch?

 

Personally I think it’s pretty normal in today’s society for people to masturbate and to watch porn while they do it...but I can see where it would be frustrating if a committed partner was regularly wanking in lieu of sex.

 

The only question i suggest you ask yourself is: Before making the porn discovery, were you dissatisfied with your sex life?

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The “family” genre of porn is super prevalent right now! (Well, that’s what a friend told me anyway 😏) Could it be possible that somebody who has zero interest in incest just likes an actor or actress that found success in the incest niche? Or it could just be something so naughty and taboo that it feels exhilarating for her to watch?

 

Personally I think it’s pretty normal in today’s society for people to masturbate and to watch porn while they do it...but I can see where it would be frustrating if a committed partner was regularly wanking in lieu of sex.

 

The only question i suggest you ask yourself is: Before making the porn discovery, were you dissatisfied with your sex life?

 

It’s a combination of a few things that are getting to me.

 

A) I’m here whenever to have sex. Even just to give her pleasure (It’s amazing sex - her words)

B) She knows due to previous conversations / chit chat that I don’t like porn and think it’s disrespectful

C) Shes being secretive about it,

D) The type of videos she’s watching

E) She will decline me, then watch porn (you know like when you try it on in the morning (we all been there) and the partners not in the mood **which is fine** but then you find out watches porn when you go to work

 

How is it perfectly normal to get sexual pleasure from other people whilst in a loving relationship

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If you hadn't found out, would you say that you are happy with your sex life and its frequency? What about your relationship in general? If your sex life and the rest of your relationship are fine, imo, there is no point in making an issue out of this. It's just about some fantasy that she can't act out with you so she is using porn as an outlet. Had you not invaded her privacy, there would be no issue and everyone would be happy.

 

If you were not happy with your sex life to begin with, then this might be a symptom of some other deeper relationship issue that you might need to address. It sounds like you might be resentful about some aspect of your sex life and this discovery is bringing it out. In that case, you need to address the real resentment and the real cause rather than focus on your discovery, which might be just another manifestation of whatever is missing.

 

Judging her for her PRIVATE fantasies that she keeps to herself imo sounds unfair. If however you feel that this difference in your values is irreconcilable then you need to rethink whether you can make each other happy in the long-term...

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Do you have the same values when it comes to culture, religion, etc.? If you live together unmarried why are you aghast that she is researching porn on her phone as if sexuality were not allowed in single women?

 

How do you know she was 'getting off on' this as opposed to curiosity? It seems as though there is a lack of communication, replaced by many assumptions and judgement. There also seems to be a lack of trust on your part, where she freely let you browse through her phone.

 

You need to talk, however it seems you don't want to reveal your dirty secret of snooping through her phone making assumptions. She on the other hand has nothing to hide, it seems.

When I started to type the drop downs of recent searches appeared. *porn* being one of them.I feel sick that she’s *enjoying* watching this stuff

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If you hadn't found out, would you say that you are happy with your sex life and its frequency? What about your relationship in general? If your sex life and the rest of your relationship are fine, imo, there is no point in making an issue out of this. It's just about some fantasy that she can't act out with you so she is using porn as an outlet. Had you not invaded her privacy, there would be no issue and everyone would be happy.

 

If you were not happy with your sex life to begin with, then this might be a symptom of some other deeper relationship issue that you might need to address. It sounds like you might be resentful about some aspect of your sex life and this discovery is bringing it out. In that case, you need to address the real resentment and the real cause rather than focus on your discovery, which might be just another manifestation of whatever is missing.

 

Judging her for her PRIVATE fantasies that she keeps to herself imo sounds unfair. If however you feel that this difference in your values is irreconcilable then you need to rethink whether you can make each other happy in the long-term...

 

Our sex life is fine. Il define what I mean by fine.

 

We have sex probably twice a week, sometime it’s just normal, sometimes it can get a bit interesting.

There’s no issue in either one of us *satisfying* the other, no problems in the bedroom or anything out of the ordinary.

 

I didn’t invade her privacy as such, I didn’t go out of my way to get her phone and snoop. Iv never done that once in 3 years.

 

Her phone was on the side and she asked me to google something *pomegranate* so I typed in

 

P... O....

 

Then the drop down appears

 

Porn xxx step bro

Porn mom watches step daughter

Etc etc

 

I then clicked back back and typed P O R N

Then it all appeared. So I had kind of all ready stumbled across it

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Do you have the same values when it comes to culture, religion, etc.? If you live together unmarried why are you aghast that she is researching porn on her phone as if sexuality were not allowed in single women?

 

How do you know she was 'getting off on' this as opposed to curiosity? It seems as though there is a lack of communication, replaced by many assumptions and judgement. There also seems to be a lack of trust on your part, where she freely let you browse through her phone.

 

You need to talk, however it seems you don't want to reveal your dirty secret of snooping through her phone making assumptions. She on the other hand has nothing to hide, it seems.

 

There probably is a lack of trust on my part now because after conversations in the past (way before all this) we spoke about how I feel it’s disrespectful and would never do it.

I just feel frustrated as I didn’t think image was like that :/

Maybe I’m being a fool

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I will give you the exact same advice I give to women who are complaining about men watching porn to this degree.

 

She might have a porn addiction and if this is causing you (her partner) to feel threatened like this and downgraded, then it's definitely a problem.

Even more so if she is choosing porn over intimacy with you.

 

You need to sit down with her, talk to her and tell her that you are not comfortable with what she is doing. But understand that you cannot threaten or force or punish. All you can literally do is tell her this is bothering you and hope she cares enough about you to ease off the porn.

But if she doesn't, then it truly is up to you whether you remain with someone who is into porn to this degree.

 

Some people don't mind their partner watching, some like to watch it with their partner or on their own as well, and some don't like any of it at all.

 

It is perfectly fine if you don't like it and don't want to be with a partner who watches it. That is your right to not like it or to not accept it.

We all have boundaries of what is acceptable or isn't in a relationship, what we can cope with and what we cannot.

You are not wrong for not liking this.

 

The unfortunate part comes in when you are with a partner who does not feel the same way about porn as you do. You two are then incompatible and it will cause a lot of hardship and upset.

In that situation, there are very little choices. The one partner who is watching porn can stop watching, (which to be honest is very unlikely) or the more realistic option is just to admit that you two don't see eye to eye on something that is very important to you and is causing you too much stress.

 

In that case, it's time to say goodbye. There really isn't much else you can do. Hopefully find someone who thinks more like you do and doesn't enjoy porn watching either.

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Many people google all sorts of weird stuff because a friend, the news, something they read, saw, etc. Sadly you are assuming the worst. And you are the one at this point who is hiding things, not her. For example my browser probably says "fecal corona" as a search. How weird is that?

 

Also many times junk that comes up in search fields are suggested by a google algorithms not what someone actually searches. You need to chill and get the paranoia and insecurity in check.

 

Stop policing her phone and thinking the worst. If something else is really going on and this is some form of confirmation bias, stop and reflect what the heart of the matter really is for you.

There probably is a lack of trust on my part now because after conversations in the past (way before all this) we spoke about how I feel it’s disrespectful and would never do it.

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I will give you the exact same advice I give to women who are complaining about men watching porn to this degree.

 

She might have a porn addiction and if this is causing you (her partner) to feel threatened like this and downgraded, then it's definitely a problem.

Even more so if she is choosing porn over intimacy with you.

 

You need to sit down with her, talk to her and tell her that you are not comfortable with what she is doing. But understand that you cannot threaten or force or punish. All you can literally do is tell her this is bothering you and hope she cares enough about you to ease off the porn.

But if she doesn't, then it truly is up to you whether you remain with someone who is into porn to this degree.

 

Some people don't mind their partner watching, some like to watch it with their partner or on their own as well, and some don't like any of it at all.

 

It is perfectly fine if you don't like it and don't want to be with a partner who watches it. That is your right to not like it or to not accept it.

We all have boundaries of what is acceptable or isn't in a relationship, what we can cope with and what we cannot.

You are not wrong for not liking this.

 

The unfortunate part comes in when you are with a partner who does not feel the same way about porn as you do. You two are then incompatible and it will cause a lot of hardship and upset.

In that situation, there are very little choices. The one partner who is watching porn can stop watching, (which to be honest is very unlikely) or the more realistic option is just to admit that you two don't see eye to eye on something that is very important to you and is causing you too much stress.

 

In that case, it's time to say goodbye. There really isn't much else you can do. Hopefully find someone who thinks more like you do and doesn't enjoy porn watching either.

 

Thank you for your detailed response,

 

I think next time sex is on the cards I’m going to lightly suggest watching it together and see how she feels about it.

 

Side note - I don’t feel insecure about myself in anyway, iv also had a few other serious partners in the past who all shared my view with this topic.

 

If I was rejecting her for sex or the likes and she was watching porn... I’d get it

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I actually agree with you, OP.

 

I am not insecure either but my choice is to be with someone who isn't into porn. It's not what turns me on, I find it somewhat crass and I prefer to have a partner who has the same opinion on the matter.

 

Not everyone does, and that's okay. But for my own personal choices, I'm not into it.

 

As for lightly suggesting, what will you do if she is happy you suggested and wants to watch it? Secondly, why go around about it like that and no just ask straight out? I am wondering if you two aren't incompatible in more ways than one if you're this worried to be straight forward with her.

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OK, so is it possible that she searched the term after reading or viewing a news article on the subject and was curious?

 

We've gone from searching on the phone to potentially walking away from the relationship or to tease it out of her ("it" being some kind of admission).

 

I suggest that you just ask her why she was searching for the term on the phone.

 

Presuming that she has a secret fetish or addiction is extreme. It's worth asking her what was up.

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OK, so is it possible that she searched the term after reading or viewing a news article on the subject and was curious?

 

We've gone from searching on the phone to potentially walking away from the relationship or to tease it out of her ("it" being some kind of admission).

 

I suggest that you just ask her why she was searching for the term on the phone.

 

Presuming that she has a secret fetish or addiction is extreme. It's worth asking her what was up.

 

Ok so I’ve listened to all the above advice, I’m just asked her outright.

I said I would like to speak to you about something and I can’t help but think, she new what it was about.

I asked her to let me say my peace before she said anything and I explained the situation and how I came across it, I was truthful and said that I looked for 30-40 seconds.

She was clearly embarrassed, and didn’t want to talk about it.

So I asked her if she had been masturbating to it, she said yes.

I told her how it made me feel and then I walked away because I was getting so angry I could feel my blood boiling.

 

(I’m not after sympathy just trying to be honest about me feelings)

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Either it's a dealbreaker for you or not. When you want someone to change in a major way to be happy, then it's not the right relationship for you. It's best not to hope for change, since she already knows how you feel but she engages in that activity anyway.

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Ok so I’ve listened to all the above advice, I’m just asked her outright.

I said I would like to speak to you about something and I can’t help but think, she new what it was about.

I asked her to let me say my peace before she said anything and I explained the situation and how I came across it, I was truthful and said that I looked for 30-40 seconds.

She was clearly embarrassed, and didn’t want to talk about it.

So I asked her if she had been masturbating to it, she said yes.

I told her how it made me feel and then I walked away because I was getting so angry I could feel my blood boiling.

 

(I’m not after sympathy just trying to be honest about me feelings)

Well, I'm not exactly sure why you would allow yourself to become so affected by her watching unless of course she is denying you sex and then going on porn sites and relieving herself instead of having sex with you... however, I'm not you and you are entitled to react the way you have.

 

You've found out that you don't have the same sensibilities about porn use so perhaps now that you've found out, it is a deal breaker for you... or even her for that matter because it means you expect her to give up something she enjoys.

 

If she just masturbated when she's not with you and didn't use porn as a visual to arousal, would you be just as negatively affected by it?

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Well, I'm not exactly sure why you would allow yourself to become so affected by her watching unless of course she is denying you sex and then going on porn sites and relieving herself instead of having sex with you... however, I'm not you and you are entitled to react the way you have.

 

You've found out that you don't have the same sensibilities about porn use so perhaps now that you've found out, it is a deal breaker for you... or even her for that matter because it means you expect her to give up something she enjoys.

 

If she just masturbated when she's not with you and didn't use porn as a visual to arousal, would you be just as negatively affected by it?

 

No it would be no where near as big of a deal if the porn wasn’t involved.

Il be honest and say I’d question it, “why is she doing that when I’m here for her” but I would let it go and certainly not be turning to this site.

I get that humans enjoy masturbating, I do.

I just think there’s a line.

She’s getting sexual gratification from other people, yes over a video but pretend for one second it was real life.

The same people

Is that a fantasy ?

Maybe I’m just paranoid,

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No it would be no where near as big of a deal if the porn wasn’t involved.
Which implies that it would still be a deal of some sort to you.

Il be honest and say I’d question it, “why is she doing that when I’m here for her”
I would imagine because most of all mankind and animal kind masturbates at one time or another. Sometimes we just get an urge to have an orgam without all the mechanics that making love takes.
but I would let it go and certainly not be turning to this site.
If she's not denying you sex then I think you would do yourself a favor to look within as to why you can't just let it go. Period. How really, does what she does in her own personal time affect you is a good question to ask yourself. Perhaps if you find that it doesn't really affect you at all, then you will be able to relax about it and not cause friction between the two of you. (????) Something to think about.

I get that humans enjoy masturbating, I do.

I just think there’s a line.

Where would you draw it and why? The "and why" part is the important one to delve into with yourself.

She’s getting sexual gratification from other people,
This I very much doubt. She is using the visual to help with arousal but she's only getting the gratification from her own administrations. If she was live chatting with people to get off then I wouldn't doubt your take on it at all.

 

yes over a video but pretend for one second it was real life.
It's not "real life" though is it.

 

Is that a fantasy ?
Likely only a visual aid.

Maybe I’m just paranoid,
... or perhaps insecure and feeling out of control?
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