Jump to content
'

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 55
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Just give this incident a little time to blow over. You extended an "olive branch" by letting him know that he can reach back out to you if he wanted to. Your feelings are hurt because he chose not to do so. And that is okay.

 

Yes you butt dialed him, it is what it is. You feel rejected all over again since he chose not to make contact. This too shall pass.

 

Something good did come out of this. At least now you know where you stand with him. He has moved on. So just get back to living your life as you did before you butt dialed him.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can totally understand where the OP is coming from. Sometimes we need to detach completely from someone we know will damage us, now and in the future - and that's where NC helps so much with the healing process. However, at some stage there must have been attraction, or love, or strong positive feelings, or there wouldn't have been a relationship in the first place, and getting over this loss happens in its own time irrespective of how we're growing in other ways, or, indeed taking a rational approach to moving on.

 

Sometimes it can be unsettling when the positive aspects get revisited unexpectedly. I had an ex where I split up after around 8 months, not one single regret about ending the relationship, and I would rather chew wasps than get involved with him again in any way. I was just aware of the fact that there were a couple of pieces of music which reminded me of him, and these could reduce me to tears. For a while. Then they didn't any more.

 

The OP has had a bit of a shock after a traumatic breakup, and it will soon fade away. It doesn't stop it being a shock right now, though, and it looks as though that was why she was seeking support on here. The breakup sounds as though it was highly emotionally charged, and to an extent this is true of the recent contact.

 

It's important to remember that we're talking about emotions here - and by definition, they're irrational.

 

To the OP: (((BIG HUGS)))

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
To Canuck - when you remove someone from Whatsapp, you remove them as a contact from your device. Or, didn't you know that? Also, I determine what is useful for my life. No one else.

 

Since you ask, yes, I am completely aware of that as I am a frequent user of the app myself. Allow me to clarify, as it appears you didn't quite understand my previous post: I wasn't referring to simply removing him as as a contact. I said to try blocking the number as well. Depending on your device, they are not one and the same. On my phone, for example, a deleted number can still make calls and send messages to me (including on What's App) - unless I specifically block that number. Your question here is thus rather moot.

 

So, perhaps dial down the defensiveness and take a deep breath. You are at full liberty to decide what is useful to you, as you are the only one invested in the outcome here. We are lending our thoughts, of course, but we don't ultimately have any dog in this fight. But girl, given you hair-trigger response to both him and me - and I don't even know you - you might want to consider cutting him out of your life in all possible ways. I think you can see that waiting for a reply from him is putting your edge and not serving you well.

 

I know you are hurt that he hasn't yet replied. I get that it sucks to be hopeful to hear from an ex, especially when things ended badly and you tried to make a little peace. By the sounds of it, though, it is best that you don't hear from him anymore at all. It's triggering too many difficult emotions and for very little reward.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Since you ask, yes, I am completely aware of that as I am a frequent user of the app myself. Allow me to clarify, as it appears you didn't quite understand my previous post: I wasn't referring to simply removing him as as a contact. I said to try blocking the number as well. Depending on your device, they are not one and the same. On my phone, for example, a deleted number can still make calls and send messages to me (including on What's App) - unless I specifically block that number. Your question here is thus rather moot.

 

So, perhaps dial down the defensiveness and take a deep breath. You are at full liberty to decide what is useful to you, as you are the only one invested in the outcome here. We are lending our thoughts, of course, but we don't ultimately have any dog in this fight. But girl, given you hair-trigger response to both him and me - and I don't even know you - you might want to consider cutting him out of your life in all possible ways. I think you can see that waiting for a reply from him is putting your edge and not serving you well.

 

I know you are hurt that he hasn't yet replied. I get that it sucks to be hopeful to hear from an ex, especially when things ended badly and you tried to make a little peace. By the sounds of it, though, it is best that you don't hear from him anymore at all. It's triggering too many difficult emotions and for very little reward.

 

I didn't have a hair trigger response to you. I did not agree with your advice...not in it's entirety anyway. And, I said so.

 

I understand what blocking means. He will not call me. But, the bigger problem, for me, was avoiding butt dialing...especially an ex. I took care of that by deleting the contact. It seems that people expect me to agree with every single piece of advice given. And, if I push back, I am defensive, not grateful or have an out of control temper. I do not need to block someone who will not call me. And, if he does, I can handle it by talking to him or not. I don't know why we have to delete people, cancel them, block them or whatever....I can have feelings on the matter knowing fully well that these feelings will pass.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I can totally understand where the OP is coming from. Sometimes we need to detach completely from someone we know will damage us, now and in the future - and that's where NC helps so much with the healing process. However, at some stage there must have been attraction, or love, or strong positive feelings, or there wouldn't have been a relationship in the first place, and getting over this loss happens in its own time irrespective of how we're growing in other ways, or, indeed taking a rational approach to moving on.

 

Sometimes it can be unsettling when the positive aspects get revisited unexpectedly. I had an ex where I split up after around 8 months, not one single regret about ending the relationship, and I would rather chew wasps than get involved with him again in any way. I was just aware of the fact that there were a couple of pieces of music which reminded me of him, and these could reduce me to tears. For a while. Then they didn't any more.

 

The OP has had a bit of a shock after a traumatic breakup, and it will soon fade away. It doesn't stop it being a shock right now, though, and it looks as though that was why she was seeking support on here. The breakup sounds as though it was highly emotionally charged, and to an extent this is true of the recent contact.

 

It's important to remember that we're talking about emotions here - and by definition, they're irrational.

 

To the OP: (((BIG HUGS)))

 

Thank you for your very kind words.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just give this incident a little time to blow over. You extended an "olive branch" by letting him know that he can reach back out to you if he wanted to. Your feelings are hurt because he chose not to do so. And that is okay.

 

Yes you butt dialed him, it is what it is. You feel rejected all over again since he chose not to make contact. This too shall pass.

 

Something good did come out of this. At least now you know where you stand with him. He has moved on. So just get back to living your life as you did before you butt dialed him.

 

Yes, thank you. I don't feel as awkward and ridiculous as I did on Friday when all of this went down.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bighair, what would you like to see happen? You seem disappointed that he didn't text back or call. Are you open to re-opening a relationship?

 

Thank you for asking this question. It's a good one. I don't know what I want...not exactly. My ex and I broke up over the issue of commitment...he wants to prioritize his career and he has never had a long term relationship before me (we were together for 1 year). He's an actor...this is a long story. Anyway, in order to spare you the deets, things were going relatively well and then he wanted to end it. He wanted to remain friends which didn't really interest me...I realize that he cannot give me what I want....not not...maybe not ever...and I don't want to date someone who doesn't want commitment. We had a terrible break up and never spoke again afterwards. So, sometimes I don't think I"m done breaking up with him, and other times I just want him to acknowledge the horrible way he treated me because of his fear of intimacy. I have some unresolved feelings for him but also remember how hard it was to get close to him. I'm conflicted and the butt dial brought some feelings back up to the surface. Not sure if that made sense, but that's where I am coming from.

Edited by bighair
Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you believe in your heart of hearts that he didn't want commitment or that he didn't want commitment with you? Because if the former I would imagine that your ego wouldn't be involved at all or minimally -not personal to you at all. Most people who have a general fear of intimacy would know that from early on and wouldn't treat the other person horribly -that doesn't make much sense or add up -obviously there could be exceptions. Of course having him show up even virtually would bring back your feelings but that's different from it bringing back perhaps feeling that he didn't want to be with you as opposed to anyone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you believe in your heart of hearts that he didn't want commitment or that he didn't want commitment with you? Because if the former I would imagine that your ego wouldn't be involved at all or minimally -not personal to you at all. Most people who have a general fear of intimacy would know that from early on and wouldn't treat the other person horribly -that doesn't make much sense or add up -obviously there could be exceptions. Of course having him show up even virtually would bring back your feelings but that's different from it bringing back perhaps feeling that he didn't want to be with you as opposed to anyone.

 

 

 

Yes, Batya, I believe in my heart of hearts that he didn't want a commitment with anyone. And, I don't think he treated me horribly because he never cared about me.

 

I think this was about him....I know it was about him.

 

I remember you now...your blunt manner of writing....."he didn't want commitment with you or anyone...''....stinging.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you for asking this question. It's a good one. I don't know what I want...not exactly. My ex and I broke up over the issue of commitment...he wants to prioritize his career and he has never had a long term relationship before me (we were together for 1 year). He's an actor...this is a long story. Anyway, in order to spare you the deets, things were going relatively well and then he wanted to end it. He wanted to remain friends which didn't really interest me...I realize that he cannot give me what I want....not not...maybe not ever...and I don't want to date someone who doesn't want commitment. We had a terrible break up and never spoke again afterwards. So, sometimes I don't think I"m done breaking up with him, and other times I just want him to acknowledge the horrible way he treated me because of his fear of intimacy. I have some unresolved feelings for him but also remember how hard it was to get close to him. I'm conflicted and the butt dial brought some feelings back up to the surface. Not sure if that made sense, but that's where I am coming from.

 

I understand. The communication, even though it was accidental, brought back some warm fuzzies to you and made you realize that you hadn't completely put this relationship behind you. It's normal. But I think you're right that he probably still wouldn't be able to commit. Until you stop expecting or wanting an apology for your hurt feelings, you're not going to be able to move on. Let him go and good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You dialed him by accident and apologised. He confirmed he's not interested. You have deleted him as a contact. Keep him blocked and you can move on with your life without him in it. Crazy this has gone on for 4 pages.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think the positive and productive thing I'd take from this is that during this time of worldwide crisis, both of you were able to put hostilities aside and be kind to one another.

 

I'd consider this exchange as a way of making moving forward easier on myself than before, when I viewed myself as having an enemy in the world. That's a tough road, and you've just confirmed for yourself that you don't need to hold onto that idea.

 

Head high, and take the pearls out of this to use any way you wish--and be well.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
You dialed him by accident and apologised. He confirmed he's not interested. You have deleted him as a contact. Keep him blocked and you can move on with your life without him in it. Crazy this has gone on for 4 pages.

 

who are you calling crazy when when you read every single one of those 4 pages! lol. Thanks for the laugh.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think the positive and productive thing I'd take from this is that during this time of worldwide crisis, both of you were able to put hostilities aside and be kind to one another.

 

I'd consider this exchange as a way of making moving forward easier on myself than before, when I viewed myself as having an enemy in the world. That's a tough road, and you've just confirmed for yourself that you don't need to hold onto that idea.

 

Head high, and take the pearls out of this to use any way you wish--and be well.

 

Yes, very good point. Thank you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
who are you calling crazy when when you read every single one of those 4 pages! lol. Thanks for the laugh.

 

I didn't read the 4 pages. There was no need to after reading your first post. I know there are 4, now 5, pages because if you look there's a page counter.

 

I assume you want him back and are gutted he didn't reciprocate. If it was a genuine mistake you wouldn't post this here.

 

I didn't call you crazy either. Stop twisting things.

Link to post
Share on other sites
who are you calling crazy when when you read every single one of those 4 pages! lol. Thanks for the laugh.

 

Good point. It would be inspiring if it were 4 pages of people coming together to comfort and uplift one another at a vulnerable and difficult time.

 

Head high, honey.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes, Batya, I believe in my heart of hearts that he didn't want a commitment with anyone. And, I don't think he treated me horribly because he never cared about me.

 

I think this was about him....I know it was about him.

 

I remember you now...your blunt manner of writing....."he didn't want commitment with you or anyone...''....stinging.

 

I think I was calling it as I seeing it from my perspective and past experiences with boyfriends where I had to accept the "with me" part of "I don't want a relationship" - very often in my past experiences those men ended up committing not too long after ending things with me so it stung less (good word -stinging, yes?) - to accept the "with me" -helped with healing and moving on - your comments brought up past memories too of your writing style!-thanks for the memories though - and your observation and opinions to me and others - interesting to read your perspective and your opinions of people offering insights and advice. I do hope you and your family stay healthy during this stressful time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Good point. It would be inspiring if it were 4 pages of people coming together to comfort and uplift one another at a vulnerable and difficult time.

 

Head high, honey.

 

Yes, thanks for the supportive words. I don't post on here frequently because I often feel misunderstood and judged. Now, there are those on here who who are trying to make me feel worse for the butt dial because "i must have been looking him up because Whatsapp doesn't allow for butt dials" or I must be lying about the butt dial otherwise I wouldn't be posting here or I am broken inside because I have come to the sad realization that my ex doesn't love me when I still love him. Honestly...it was an accidental call and, during a pandemic, I decided to reach out to this community to actually talk about my feelings. And, because I didn't react exactly the way I am supposed to, I am bitter, angry and a woman scorned.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't think a simple butt dial and any subsequent embarrassment about it needs comfort or support. There are people that come here that really do need comfort and support because they have been beaten, raped, played, are hurting from a break up etc. Needing support because you accidently butt dialed an ex isn't something I am compelled to give support for.

 

Hair, did you come here for support when you guys broke up. I haven't searched your thread history so not sure?

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't think a simple butt dial and any subsequent embarrassment about it needs comfort or support. There are people that come here that really do need comfort and support because they have been beaten, raped, played, are hurting from a break up etc. Needing support because you accidently butt dialed an ex isn't something I am compelled to give support for.

 

Hair, did you come here for support when you guys broke up. I haven't searched your thread history so not sure?

 

No, I did not come here for support then. Why would I when there are people on here who seem to think only few are deserving of support and compassion? And, who are you to judge someone's level of pain and misery? What do you know about me and my relationship history with this particular ex or anyone for that matter? You know nothing about my personal history with this man and the heartache I experienced. Does that mean you will berate me because I don't meet your criteria for compassion? I do not equate whatever is happening with me at the present time to the trauma experienced by an SA survivor or an abuse victim. In the grand scheme of things, this is not a huge problem but it was important for me to discuss it during a time of social isolation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
There are people that come here that really do need comfort and support because they have been beaten, raped, played, are hurting from a break up etc. Needing support because you accidently butt dialed an ex isn't something I am compelled to give support for.

 

Please... in these dark days, one thing that really isn't rationed or in danger of running out is the ability to give comfort and support to others, if we choose to. If we don't, that's fine, and nobody should feel compelled to be sympathetic if they don't feel it. However, there's no need to make a point of not being sympathetic.

 

"Be Kind!"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...