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Nightmares about Ex-girlfriend/soulmate


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I don't know where to start. My ex-girlfriend left me a year ago after being together for 1 year. I've known her for almost 3 years though. Um and it's just been terrible. She just one day decided that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship anymore with me and texted me "I don't love you anymore and I'm breaking up with you." Before she sent this text, we hadn't seen each other for 2 weeks, I thought she needed a break so I let her just text me and not see each other. She was stressed with her school. Later, I found out she was distancing herself from me so it would be easier to leave me. She still was texting me "I love you" every night. She lied about her love for me. Like she broke up with me 1 month before our 1 year anniversary through text. She promised she wouldn't ever leave me. I still remember her looking me in my eyes and making out with my passionately when she told me. She betrayed me. It's been several months since she left and it's been severely ing with my head. Her name is common and appears everywhere and triggers my ptsd. I loved her and she loved me completely. I don't know what happened, she just said she wasn't ready for a relationship and wouldn't give me a 2nd chance even when she was ready for one. I've tried so hard but she just won't budge to start over. I ing had my 21st birthday with her and her brother at some ty restaurant for God's sake. She gave me a water bottle and ing chocolates and I still had hope for her. All the money I spent on her gifts were always pricey and she never gave anything good in return. She's a virgin and I was too and she even promised to have sex in a year and lied about that too. I ing hate her selfishness and carelessness so much but she's still somewhat beautiful and attractive god damn it. I'm having trouble with her suddenly leaving. I can't sleep, I'm constantly having ptsd flashbacks of the places we went to, the places we made out and touched each other, the time she told me she loved me and kissed me passionately. Sometimes I almost cry in public remembering the places and things we did together. We were so close to one another that we finished our sentences, spoke and wrote basically the same way; like I really don't understand why she left all of sudden. She wasn't cheating, I know that but I don't know. She was the love of my life and I've told her many times. I told her to never lie about her love to me and she did. I sometimes have nightmares about the good times we had and can't believe she's gone when I wake up in morning. I had a picture of her framed in my room of us together and I gave her one too. We were so close to each other that we would just say one word or give a look and knew exactly what eachother meant. Like I don't know what I did to be so ireedmable to her. This was a girl I thought about marrying at one point and I've told her. I think she really just wants to play around with other guys because once I told her I'm committed to her, she was shocked that someone would want to be with her in that way. I remember when we were friends, we would do many of the same things as we did when we were in a relationship just with mutual commitment. Now she's doing that "friend" thing with someone else since I last texted her this month. Like I ing hate her so much but love her at times. My mind is gone. I miss kissing her, I miss biting her body, I miss caressing her big butt and boobs. I miss her big brown eyes and caressing her hips into my hips. I miss talking to her about daily life. I miss her sitting on my lap and kissing me. I just miss her so much. I thought she knew she meant everything to me. Now I'm just depressed and have PTSD about it. I try so hard to forget her but I can't. It's constantly decaying my mind. I haven't felt love or attraction since she left me. I've been passionless and emotionally detached from most things. I can't believe she did what she did. I used to walk miles just to go see her everyday and walk her home safely. It s with me a lot that she never appreciated me enough to give me a 2nd chance. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust or love another person again. I feel mental pain constantly. People keep telling me "It's just a matter of time, move on" but I don't know if that'll solve anything. She was a special girl and one in million type. I lost her. I'm haunted by what she did and I'm constantly living in hell from the memories. I sometimes wake up at night and cry about the memories. I've told her all of this and she still won't give me a 2nd chance because "I don't think I can regain those feelings for you and I'm already kinda seeing someone else". I hate her stubbornness. She planned the breakup and I hate that she doesn't want to work with me after everything I've done for her. I hate her her ing lying god damn it. I'm shedding tears as I write this. I don't know what to do at this point I'm 23 and alone with no one to talk to. I thought she was the one. I don't know anything anymore. She just texted me one day and left. She's so cold-hearted. I just want the pain to go away already, it sometimes hurts my head and makes my teary eyes go dry. I'm not happy. Sometimes I wish I never experienced love because it's not worth the pain honestly. I don't feel any better or stronger. She just left out of the blue no 2nd chances. I miss my girlfriend. I hope she comes back and doesn't get hurt, I really do. Please help me, I suffer with this almost everyday and I don't what to do

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Gently and with respect, have you thought about talking to a counsellor?


This level of distress and emotional disruption after a year is the signal of deeper issues that a compassionate professional can help you with. It is clear that you're no longer really coping on your own and don't know how to channel that anger and pain in manageable ways.

You certainly deserve some concrete guidance.

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Sorry to hear this but you can't shift blame like this if you hope to improve things. Stop blaming her for your depression, inertia and other problems. Get to a doctor/therapy. There are plenty of video psychology services. You need to help yourself.

I miss biting her body, I miss caressing her big butt and boobs. I can't believe she did what she did.


I'm just depressed and have PTSD about it. I've been passionless and emotionally detached from most things. I'm not happy.

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Soulmates, it's just an illusion. You think she loved you yet look at the results. A relationship in this day and age breaks even quicker, one day you might find another girl that you like and she will also be classified as a soulmate - it's just a label. Think about what you want, where do you want to be when you are 50, surely not depressed. Try to keep your mind occupied. You should be glad that you didn't marry or have children and be in this situation 15 years later.

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Like your friends and family are telling (and rightfully so), you do need to move on. She's been gone a year. She's not coming back and is probably with someone else now.


You're 23 and lonely. You don't have PTSD. That girl is gone and you're choosing to dwell on the things that made you happy when you were with her. But here's the thing, you're probably not putting yourself in a position to get attention from other women due to this case of "oneitis" where you start believing the fantasy of the "one true love of a lifetime" BS that you were programmed to think from Disney movies, TV shows and fairytales. You fantasized about losing your virginity together like some romance novel. Well, so much for that. Moving on.....


The truth is that relationships work and grow because men cultivate, grow and maintain attraction from women...not by chasing them, buying them candy/flowers/gifts

or walk with to/from school or wherever thinking that's all it takes to maintain their interest levels. How does that balance of male/female gender roles and power within the relationship? When you start throwing gifts out at her, you essentially turn yourself into a vending machine. Do you think they'll respect you because you're handing out undeserved rewards? Do you want that? No. You should know that you attract women because you communicate that you have direction and a purpose in your life and career and seem to understand what you want to do with yourself in this world and have an idea where you want to be down the road.


The likely answer to your problem is that you either don't have a direction in other forms of your life which are giving you time and mental/emotional bandwidth to keep playing those old fantasies like reruns of old tv shows. I know because I had a similar situation (like others) and I didn't have enough going on in my life to make me focus on something in terms of personal or professional growth that would use up that bandwidth and give me the mental focus on what was coming around the corner rather that some girl who walked out of my life and into some else's. And the "one" that I fantasized about? She (like your ex) didn't give a damn about my fantasies of marriage and children and all those other things that I'd been programmed to believe that I needed to "complete" me. Just like you, I beat myself up for a year or so, every unfocused moment trying to solve the mystery of "if I'd seen this sign and done xyz, would we still be together?" It ruined me (just ask Wiseman -many thanks!)


Guess what? We're not so different are we?


So quit this talk about your feelings and either go get some counseling (if you have healthcare, they probably will provide it) or get books written about healing your busted heart (highly recommend "Mating in Captivity" by Ester Perel), read as many books about relationships that you can and focus your mind on what you need to do to make yourself a man that is better than anything your ex ever deserved. Go to the gym or do something physically to improve yourself. Lay off any booze or drugs and do a social media detox (one of the best things you could every do for yourself) and start paying attention to what makes you happy and moves the needle in your life.


Big tip: Do not work on anything that you think would re-attract your ex if you magically run into her. It won't. She doesn't care. She is done and gone. Know this.


It won't happen today, tomorrow or maybe in the next several months but it will eventually: You will notice that through learning about relationships, working out, focusing on your professional development, personal goal setting and achievement - you will notice that the time you think about her will start being shorter and shorter stints in your daily stream of consciousness. You'll care more about getting a certification, bench pressing or squatting a certain goal weight, running a marathon, learning to play an instrument, hitting a certain amount of money in your savings or paying off every credit card you have - whatever you realize is something you need to do for your self-improvement.


Bit by bit. Step by step. Day after day make choices that move the needle forward for you! This will reduce your current anxiety levels. You'll start sleeping through the night. Instead of wondering what your ex is doing now, you'll start seeing girls sending non-verbal signals that they're interested in you and you'll be thinking about them instead.


It. Will. Happen.


So when will you be ready to make that choice? Are you happy fantasizing about a woman who's long gone? Are you going to do that for another year of your life? Is today the day that you're going step out from under the dark shadow of that shattered fantasy that you wear like a cape over your life and step toward that distant, hopeful light on the horizon where stronger, better "you" exists?

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