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Knowing when to let go


caligrl
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Cut him some slack when he doesn't always text "gm babe." Don't let him text while driving otherwise he'll get into a grisly car accident which could cost him his life! :eek: :upset:

 

Be understanding and don't expect so much from him especially when he has a lot weighing heavy on his mind such as his business or an ill parent. Give him space and time. A lot of guys aren't into being chained to their phones 24 / 7. Some guys don't like to engage in a lot of relentless texting because they feel burned out from excessive electronic contact.

 

You need to chill. Since he's great whenever you're together in person, focus on those shared great times together as opposed to constant back 'n forth texting in between those visits. Focus on seeing each other 1 - 2x a week and be grateful for in person happiness together. Don't demand and expect more of him otherwise you'll push him away.

 

I've known people who were great at electronic correspondence yet lousy in person which is worse IMHO.

 

If you want to end it, then end it.

 

Thanks for the reply. I think you're misunderstanding what I said. He DOES always text "gm babe". Neither of us text and drive. Again, not asking him to risk his life or anything crazy. SMH I am referring to (before CV) when he knew he'd be unavailable all weekend that he could simply communicate that.

 

His parent is not ill now, at one point one was and he didn't tell me or text for 2 days, I understood that & everyone deals with things in their own way. I more wanted to make sure he was okay and know what was happening in his life to be supportive, etc.

 

Most people (even men) have their phones and are on SM all the time. He is on it even in the bathroom.

 

Not demanding, but I do have boundaries. What almost ended us right before the CV hit was him not coming around for 2 weeks & not texting for 4 days. That is unacceptable. When he did reach out (I did not text for 3 days) it was a bunch of heart emojis. Nothing major had happened. So, yes, we are good in person, but you can't sustain a relationship on that. Coming from someone who's been married & shared a life for many years with someone.

 

It's not that I WANT to end it, when you love someone you don't want to, but that doesn't mean it's meant for you. I was simply venting and looking for some experience and/or guidance in the area.

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He is sweet for texting as much as he can. I think having his own business also means he has things to take care of more than what regular employees usually do.

 

Encourage him to be more open, some people are just naturally very private and it has nothing to do with you. Baby steps. My ex husband is the same, will only speak about things when situation is in the "danger zone". I have managed that part of him simply because I don't want to stress about things I do not know, nor force him to talk when he wants to be quiet.

 

I say pick and choose your battles. We do not meet someone special everyday in our lives, invest on this one.

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He is sweet for texting as much as he can. I think having his own business also means he has things to take care of more than what regular employees usually do.

 

Encourage him to be more open, some people are just naturally very private and it has nothing to do with you. Baby steps. My ex husband is the same, will only speak about things when situation is in the "danger zone". I have managed that part of him simply because I don't want to stress about things I do not know, nor force him to talk when he wants to be quiet.

 

I say pick and choose your battles. We do not meet someone special everyday in our lives, invest on this one.

 

Thanks for the reply. It's not really that type of business, he used to have employees, etc. Now he works for himself. He is naturally private and we are both very independent people. At over 3 years, though some of this is common sense/courtesy. Yes, I have learned with him to choose my battles and this is one I've chosen lol. Effective communication is key, so it's not even the quantity. Although not coming around for 2 weeks and no texts or calls for 4 days was extreme. I think the key there is EX husband. My ex husband was the opposite so I'm not asking for that. I do agree that it's not every day we meet someone special, but we also can't hold onto the good if they become so few and far between...

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Thanks for the reply. I think you're misunderstanding what I said. He DOES always text "gm babe". Neither of us text and drive. Again, not asking him to risk his life or anything crazy. SMH I am referring to (before CV) when he knew he'd be unavailable all weekend that he could simply communicate that.

 

His parent is not ill now, at one point one was and he didn't tell me or text for 2 days, I understood that & everyone deals with things in their own way. I more wanted to make sure he was okay and know what was happening in his life to be supportive, etc.

 

Most people (even men) have their phones and are on SM all the time. He is on it even in the bathroom.

 

Not demanding, but I do have boundaries. What almost ended us right before the CV hit was him not coming around for 2 weeks & not texting for 4 days. That is unacceptable. When he did reach out (I did not text for 3 days) it was a bunch of heart emojis. Nothing major had happened. So, yes, we are good in person, but you can't sustain a relationship on that. Coming from someone who's been married & shared a life for many years with someone.

 

It's not that I WANT to end it, when you love someone you don't want to, but that doesn't mean it's meant for you. I was simply venting and looking for some experience and/or guidance in the area.

 

If you feel that his actions fall short of your expectations and being considerate of your feelings, then perhaps he's not the ideal boyfriend for you. Not coming around for 2 weeks nor texting for 4 days is a long time.

 

Ask him for explanations and if his answers are unsatisfactory to you, then both of you are incompatible and not meant to be together.

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If you feel that his actions fall short of your expectations and being considerate of your feelings, then perhaps he's not the ideal boyfriend for you. Not coming around for 2 weeks nor texting for 4 days is a long time.

 

Ask him for explanations and if his answers are unsatisfactory to you, then both of you are incompatible and not meant to be together.

 

After not hearing from him for 4 days & not seeing him for 2 weeks I assumed it was over. I texted him asking for my key back & that prompted texts, calls & him coming over. He seemed very sincere that he did not want things to end and was going to do better. I had never asked for my key back before. I guess the whole CV thing is making me reevaluate things again. This happened just a couple of weeks ago. The 4 days of silence were him being mad that I had said that not seeing him wasn't working for me. It had been over a week at that point with nothing major going on it didn't make sense.

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Sad that you had to indirectly and angrily imply it's over to get him to respond to you. If you need to keep threatening to end things to get his attention, you may have to reconsider if you are compatible.

 

He seems to be trying to back out of the relationship to prevent more drama and prevent more anger. It seems like he's afraid of you and the chronic arguing and anger at this point.

I texted him asking for my key back & that prompted texts, calls & him coming over. I had never asked for my key back before.The 4 days of silence were him being mad that I had said that not seeing him wasn't working for me.
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After 3 years, your relationship hasn't really moved forward and is stuck in a sort of arm's length dating limbo. What I mean is that you see each other maybe once or twice a week, may or may not talk depending on convenience, his moods, etc. It's lacking the intimacy and connection of a long term relationship, of being integrated in each other's lives. It seems like there is a deeper disconnect than just communication or rather that the connection never really grew past dating stage. No wonder that you are feeling lonely in this relationship.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd end things. If it hasn't worked in 3 years, it's not going to. That's a lot of time to spend on what's not quite working. Better to be single and free to find a guy who is a better match for you than drag this out for another day, week, or month. You are already pretty much single anyway.

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Sad that you had to indirectly and angrily imply it's over to get him to respond to you. If you need to keep threatening to end things to get his attention, you may have to reconsider if you are compatible.

 

He seems to be trying to back out of the relationship to prevent more drama and prevent more anger. It seems like he's afraid of you and the chronic arguing and anger at this point.

 

Thanks for the reply. I also sensed he was trying to back off and I agree it is sad. He isn't afraid of me, though. There isn't chronic anger and arguing. If anything he is always saying how sweet, understanding and caring I am. It takes a lot to get me to the point of anger. I also wasn't meaning to threaten him, I assumed we were over since I hadn't heard anything and actually wanted my key back. He could have given it back when he was here, but he didn't. I was calm, there was no fighting, we had a mature conversation in person.

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Eh, I think you are probably better to go your separate ways, OP.

 

He seems to lack the same level of investment as you, and doesn't appear to really care until you threaten to leave. That's not a very solid connection, unfortunately.

 

Thanks for the reply. That's exactly how it feels, not the same investment and that's why I was done and then he convinced me. SMH.

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After 3 years, your relationship hasn't really moved forward and is stuck in a sort of arm's length dating limbo. What I mean is that you see each other maybe once or twice a week, may or may not talk depending on convenience, his moods, etc. It's lacking the intimacy and connection of a long term relationship, of being integrated in each other's lives. It seems like there is a deeper disconnect than just communication or rather that the connection never really grew past dating stage. No wonder that you are feeling lonely in this relationship.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd end things. If it hasn't worked in 3 years, it's not going to. That's a lot of time to spend on what's not quite working. Better to be single and free to find a guy who is a better match for you than drag this out for another day, week, or month. You are already pretty much single anyway.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yes, the last year we have not moved forward. Our plan was to move in together this year. We usually do talk daily, but every now & then he throws what I call a mantrum and ignores me. The first two years we saw each other 3-4 times per week. Yes, I am feeling lonely. I do pretty much live the single life. My confusion is that I do love him and with all of this CV stuff happening I won't be dating anyone new for awhile. I'm fine being on my own since I already live alone, etc. I just don't know if it's the best time with all of the unknowns...or is that THE best time? LOL

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Thanks for the reply. Yes, the last year we have not moved forward. Our plan was to move in together this year. We usually do talk daily, but every now & then he throws what I call a mantrum and ignores me. The first two years we saw each other 3-4 times per week. Yes, I am feeling lonely. I do pretty much live the single life. My confusion is that I do love him and with all of this CV stuff happening I won't be dating anyone new for awhile. I'm fine being on my own since I already live alone, etc. I just don't know if it's the best time with all of the unknowns...or is that THE best time? LOL

 

Well there is never a perfect or even a good time to end things. You just do. As odd as this sounds, I think once you end this, you'll actually feel less lonely than you do now. Reason being is that you'll be free of this limbo situation and can actually start looking forward to new things. Restore some order and balance and certainty in your life. I know this virus thing is weird, but it will end and life will return to normal. Meanwhile, he isn't exactly there for you now is he? Hasn't been there for a long time already and it's pure misery to feel lonely and alone while in a relationship.

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