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Knowing when to let go


caligrl
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How many times can you talk to someone about the same issues and be ignored? How long can you wait? I find myself alone during all of this going on in the world and I shouldn't be after being in a relationship for over 3 years. I just feel so alone in it all. Do I hang in through this or just let go?

 

Thanks for reading.

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How many times can you talk to someone about the same issues and be ignored?

 

I think the answer is "However long you allow it to happen." If the other person is fully aware that you are unhappy with an aspect of your relationship that is under their control and yet they choose to do nothing about it, then it's for you to make the decision that you are worth better and leave. This person clearly isn't interested and, if you're feeling alone despite being with them, is taking you for granted or using you as a convenience. I was in your shoes, getting no emotional support or improvement in behaviour from my partner of 3 years. The longer I tolerated it the more depressed I became and the less I recognised myself. One day I just had enough and told my partner I wasn't doing it anymore. He made no real effort to make changes or ask me to reconsider, which told me I'd done the right thing for myself.

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What do you mean by "be ignored"? Not responding to texts? Not addressing concerns? If you feel alone in the relationship, you are wasting your time with him. Why are you hanging on?

How many times can you talk to someone about the same issues and be ignored?
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Depends on how serious the issues are, if there are problems that cannot be resolved then you have to move on. A successful relationship requires sacrifices, a person needs to change and if you don't want to change then you'll be forced to change your partner which just means, you'll end up in the same situation again with someone else instead.

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The art of taking things as they come and letting go of them as they leave can be a challenging one... Sorry you’re feeling frustrated and alone, that sucks! Can you share some examples or details of what you’re experiencing?

 

Thanks for the reply. The short version:

 

Been dating a guy for over 3 years, but we do not live together. He isn't the best communicator and it's taken a toll on our relationship. I usually get the "gm babe" text every morning, we text off & on throughout the day, we text at night, he calls while driving, etc. However, when something is going on with him, he shuts down. This could be something as little as him being irritated or as big as a parent being ill. He will just stop responding to me. I've brought it up many times and each time he says he is working on it.

 

In person we are great, we get along, laugh, he is kind, loving, etc. I see him 1-2 times per week, usually once. He has his own business, so he has a busy yet flexible schedule. Mine is somewhat flexible, but I don't work for myself.

 

We recently were at a crossroads where I told him it just wasn't working for me anymore, that I want more. He did not want to end it, we agreed to try. He was great afterwards and kept his word. Well, that was a few weeks ago. Now all of this is going on with CV & I feel he's already going back to his old ways. Yesterday he said he was "trapped at home". We aren't on lockdown, but have a "stay at home" order & aren't supposed to gather in large groups. Not only do I think it's an excuse, but he also barely texted & quit responding around 6pm.

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Thanks for the reply. This is the point I was at a couple of weeks ago, before this whole thing got so big. He was doing better. Also been over 3 years. I am torn between sticking out this whole CV thing to see if it wakes him up or just being done.

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Tough feelings during a tough time.

 

I think there comes a point where you have to ask if you can accept someone for who they are rather than who they might "wake up" to be, if that makes sense. I'm curious, looking back over the past three years, if these concerns (his lack of communication, his being "closed off," perhaps even him not being "committed" in a way that makes you feel secure) have been present throughout—just growing more acute as time goes by?

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Yes this is the worst time to have communication issues. I accept him for who he is, his personality, etc. However these are behavioral issues, which he could change if he wanted to and worked on them. He has always had a hard time expressing himself, but it has gotten worse the past year as far as not responding goes. He says it's because he hates arguing over text however him not responding is what causes the arguing.

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I hear you.

 

I also think it's a very dicey road to walk when you're imagining that someone "could change" so long as they "wanted to" and "worked on" it. You may believe that, but if the other person is not confirming that belief? Well, they are showing you that they don't want to change—or, really, they are showing who they are, as a person and a partner.

 

Reverse it, after all, and he could maybe say the same thing, no? He could say he accepts you, your personality, etc., but just wishes you would change your behavior a bit—that you'd give him some space, not take his occasional reticence personally, and so on. That would seem very simple for him, very doable, and yet it might not be in your wheelhouse as a person.

 

Guess I'm just encouraging you to see this from all sides, and to at least question whether this is as much a compatibility issue as it is a communication one. I can only speak for myself, but I think the key to being content in a relationship is not requiring much of anything to change about the other person because what they give you—just by being themselves—is enough, even more than enough.

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How many times can you talk to someone about the same issues and be ignored? How long can you wait? I find myself alone during all of this going on in the world and I shouldn't be after being in a relationship for over 3 years. I just feel so alone in it all. Do I hang in through this or just let go?

 

Thanks for reading.

You aren't being shown that he values you. Why continue on with someone that doesn't give a chit? I think you've come to realize that being in a relationship where you're not being shown your value is much more lonelier than being alone. No?

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It hurts my heart to hear the “it’s great BUT” posters because I know how it feels to war it out with the feelings of should I stay or should I go now after a significant time/heart investment.

 

It’s easy to “give in” and let things continue status quo, it’s even relatively easy to throw in the towel and leave...but it’s difficult to change our own mindsets and behaviors to come to a place of acceptance for another person’s perceived foibles.

 

Personally, from what little I know of you and your boyfriend, if I had to guess I would say you ARE compatible. All partners embody some characteristics that are like sandpaper and rub us wrong, but are an opportunity to polish our patience or understanding, etc. I would encourage you to find a way to allow him his space when you aren’t together in person and keep your good relationship. It’s not everyday you meet somebody you really trust and click with and connect deeply with. Is your relationship worth looking within and seeing if you can find a way to be okay with his communication style? Often today I hear about people who “want somebody to accept me just as I am” but aren’t willing to extend themselves for anybody else. I’m not saying that’s you. Just saying in general it can appear like many modern daters can have an all or nothing/my way or the Highway mindset and no ability to do the work to improve their own relational skills.

 

That said, only you know what’s right for you and if the time to split has come, then the time has come and no judgement here! I just throw in with the other voices who are saying “you can’t change him” and “waiting for him to change himself is a zero sum game.”

 

Best wishes!!

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I hear you.

 

I also think it's a very dicey road to walk when you're imagining that someone "could change" so long as they "wanted to" and "worked on" it. You may believe that, but if the other person is not confirming that belief? Well, they are showing you that they don't want to change—or, really, they are showing who they are, as a person and a partner.

 

Reverse it, after all, and he could maybe say the same thing, no? He could say he accepts you, your personality, etc., but just wishes you would change your behavior a bit—that you'd give him some space, not take his occasional reticence personally, and so on. That would seem very simple for him, very doable, and yet it might not be in your wheelhouse as a person.

 

Guess I'm just encouraging you to see this from all sides, and to at least question whether this is as much a compatibility issue as it is a communication one. I can only speak for myself, but I think the key to being content in a relationship is not requiring much of anything to change about the other person because what they give you—just by being themselves—is enough, even more than enough.

 

Yes, he has confirmed, that's the issue is he's said he will do it and hasn't. I have changed behaviors for our relationship, but the no communication for days is not one I'm willing to accept & I've told him that. So, that's where I wonder if it's best to just walk away.

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You aren't being shown that he values you. Why continue on with someone that doesn't give a chit? I think you've come to realize that being in a relationship where you're not being shown your value is much more lonelier than being alone. No?

 

 

Yes, exactly and this is a really tough time as is.

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Unfortunately you can't change anyone. He may be doubling down because you want to change him. Do not argue over text. Let it go. Get busy with other things in your life.

 

I want him to communicate when something is going on & not ignore me for days, not change him. I'm not asking for much. I am always busy with other things. Before all of this CV thing, I had work, friends, a very active social life, etc. I didn't wait around on him, I did what I wanted, but have been exclusive with him. It has nothing to do with staying busy.

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It hurts my heart to hear the “it’s great BUT” posters because I know how it feels to war it out with the feelings of should I stay or should I go now after a significant time/heart investment.

 

It’s easy to “give in” and let things continue status quo, it’s even relatively easy to throw in the towel and leave...but it’s difficult to change our own mindsets and behaviors to come to a place of acceptance for another person’s perceived foibles.

 

Personally, from what little I know of you and your boyfriend, if I had to guess I would say you ARE compatible. All partners embody some characteristics that are like sandpaper and rub us wrong, but are an opportunity to polish our patience or understanding, etc. I would encourage you to find a way to allow him his space when you aren’t together in person and keep your good relationship. It’s not everyday you meet somebody you really trust and click with and connect deeply with. Is your relationship worth looking within and seeing if you can find a way to be okay with his communication style? Often today I hear about people who “want somebody to accept me just as I am” but aren’t willing to extend themselves for anybody else. I’m not saying that’s you. Just saying in general it can appear like many modern daters can have an all or nothing/my way or the Highway mindset and no ability to do the work to improve their own relational skills.

 

That said, only you know what’s right for you and if the time to split has come, then the time has come and no judgement here! I just throw in with the other voices who are saying “you can’t change him” and “waiting for him to change himself is a zero sum game.”

 

Best wishes!!

 

It's more a heart investment/love than it is the time. I walked away from a much longer relationship before this. I have tried, but it's not even a style to just read and ignore someone. What I've said to him was, if we have an issue and I knew I was going to see him soon, I'd wait and talk in person. However, if I see him once a week then that isn't always possible. He has plenty of space since we don't see each other that much or live together. I guess I should also add that I work FT, have an active social life, etc. There are days when we are both busy so we just say "gm babe" in the morning before work, work all day & then text a bit at night...and that is okay. My biggest issue is reading & ignoring, especially when there's an issue. I am not by any means asking him to constantly text all day.

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Try to mirror him more. Don't reply asap to everything. Text more sparingly and be specific. Avoid hyperbole or drama, such as 'text me' or 'guess what happened' or 'i texted you hours ago' etc.

 

People still have lives, take showers talk to others. When you lay back he'll come forward. However the more you are in his face about answering texts the more he won't answer them for fear of yet another circular argument about texting.

it's not even a style to just read and ignore someone. My biggest issue is reading & ignoring, especially when there's an issue.
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Try to mirror him more. Don't reply asap to everything. Text more sparingly and be specific. Avoid hyperbole or drama, such as 'text me' or 'guess what happened' or 'i texted you hours ago' etc.

 

People still have lives, take showers talk to others. When you lay back he'll come forward. However the more you are in his face about answering texts the more he won't answer them for fear of yet another circular argument about texting.

 

I was mirroring when all of this CV hit. Before I replied much quicker, etc. I don't say text me or any of what you listed.

 

I think some of this is funny...people take showers and have lives, as if I don't. LOL Thanks, though.

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Thanks for the reply. The short version:

 

Been dating a guy for over 3 years, but we do not live together. He isn't the best communicator and it's taken a toll on our relationship. I usually get the "gm babe" text every morning, we text off & on throughout the day, we text at night, he calls while driving, etc. However, when something is going on with him, he shuts down. This could be something as little as him being irritated or as big as a parent being ill. He will just stop responding to me. I've brought it up many times and each time he says he is working on it.

 

In person we are great, we get along, laugh, he is kind, loving, etc. I see him 1-2 times per week, usually once. He has his own business, so he has a busy yet flexible schedule. Mine is somewhat flexible, but I don't work for myself.

 

We recently were at a crossroads where I told him it just wasn't working for me anymore, that I want more. He did not want to end it, we agreed to try. He was great afterwards and kept his word. Well, that was a few weeks ago. Now all of this is going on with CV & I feel he's already going back to his old ways. Yesterday he said he was "trapped at home". We aren't on lockdown, but have a "stay at home" order & aren't supposed to gather in large groups. Not only do I think it's an excuse, but he also barely texted & quit responding around 6pm.

 

Cut him some slack when he doesn't always text "gm babe." Don't let him text while driving otherwise he'll get into a grisly car accident which could cost him his life! :eek: :upset:

 

Be understanding and don't expect so much from him especially when he has a lot weighing heavy on his mind such as his business or an ill parent. Give him space and time. A lot of guys aren't into being chained to their phones 24 / 7. Some guys don't like to engage in a lot of relentless texting because they feel burned out from excessive electronic contact.

 

You need to chill. Since he's great whenever you're together in person, focus on those shared great times together as opposed to constant back 'n forth texting in between those visits. Focus on seeing each other 1 - 2x a week and be grateful for in person happiness together. Don't demand and expect more of him otherwise you'll push him away.

 

I've known people who were great at electronic correspondence yet lousy in person which is worse IMHO.

 

If you want to end it, then end it.

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