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I want the love of my life back. I want to go with him.


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Hearing about his passing came as a shock to me. As I found out a couple of days ago through facebook was a huge blow. It feels like being hit by a ton of brick and my world came crashing down. We've may have had our differences but that never stopped me from loving him. We were making plans for our future. He may have been in denial of the way he felt about me we did talk about having kids together. He was the one. My everything. My soulmate the love of my life and he's not here. I wanted to build memories with him, have a future with him, build a life together. And all that came crashing down a couple of day's ago. I have never ever felt this angry. I'm furious. I had the right to know what he was going through. He left me in the dark not being able to say good bye to him.

 

 

No one I mean no one can ever replace him. I'm not moving on without him in my life. I just want him to take me with him. I just want to be with him. I can't, I can't do this without him. I cant' talk to him, I can't text him, I can't see him, hold him, touch him, kiss him and tell him how much I love him. He was my everything. I can't even bring it to myself to even go to his grave site and not loose it. I don't want to see him like that. I had the right to know. Not read about it on social media. This wasn't the way I wanted to find out. I want my boyfriend back. I need him. I can't live without him. I want the love of my life back. I printed out a picture of him and started meditating and talking to him and releasing my anger on him. Screaming at him. Yelling at him on why he left me in the dark and that was cruel of him to do. I can't do this without him.

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Sorry for your loss. Your post is full of pain and I see you*

 

How did he die..?

 

There are stages of grief and you will now start the journey through those. Please take care of your health. You will need it to survive this*

 

Regards

Carus*

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Ok breathe.

 

I am so sorry, please try to keep things in perspective to keep yourself sane and even keeled and please please please if you are feeling suicidal see someone ASAP.

 

What I mean by perspective is you mentioned this was the guy who was the workaholic. As much as you liked him you two broke up because you were deeply incompatible, you can care deeply for someone but recognize they aren’t for you, and it appears that’s what happened here, to now refer to him as your boyfriend and love of your life, may be this event is triggering something deeper in you.

 

To avoid a dangerous spiral I think it would be wise to speak to someone. Grief is a complex thing and doesn’t always make sense and it can manifest itself in many ways, you are grieving something but is it what was?

 

I’m so sorry again and I wish you luck through your journey, maybe consider journaling here, it has helped many people.

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I have no idea. That's what hurts me the most not knowing what happened to him. If I had known that from before that he was sick or being in the hospital if he cared enough about me he would had rung me up saying something to me. Other than that this wasnt the way I wanted to find out. I had the right to know not reading it on some stupid social media. That is so not fair. I was in his life for a reason and both of us were falling hard for one another. He even told me he was falling for me. How can I get over something serious as this ?

 

 

Sorry for your loss. Your post is full of pain and I see you*

 

How did he die..?

 

There are stages of grief and you will now start the journey through those. Please take care of your health. You will need it to survive this*

 

Regards

Carus*

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Yes this is the guy who was a workaholic. But we did still manage to date. We were together for 3 months. We never broke up. We may have had our differences but we managed to work through things. I didnt just like him I was in love with him.Yes, even after 3 months I've known from the beginning that he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with when you know you know. I think he was in love with me too because he did tell me he was falling for me as well. We were very much compatible. That it scared us both to it's very core. We both agreed that our connection was so intense and strong between the both us so you could imagine how scary it was for both of us. I think he was scared to get to close because he was burnt from a previous relationship.

 

And he didnt know how to handle what it feels like to be in love or have someone care about him as much as I did. Because I showed him what real love feels like. I told him once that when you love someone you go out of your way for that person and do anything for them and I did in more than 1 occasion. So I did my part. And he told me he never had that with anyone else. I showed him how it feels like to be cared for. Yes, he had a busy life but we managed to work around things. He talked about having a future with me, I caught him once while we were having a conversation that he sees children in our future and how we would meet each others families. I know for a fact that he loved me as much as I loved him.

 

We were both scared by this level of intensity we had we both didnt know how to handle it. When we made love for the first time we connected even more. It was that amazing. And now I learn the man I was set to have a future with, make memories with, have a life with, grow old with is gone not knowing what happened. Was not informed one bit as to what he was going through. At least tell him goodbye. This is the way he leaves me.

 

I honestly was not expecting this one bit. So I printed out his picture meditating and really let him have it by screaming and yelling at him. Saying that I hope he sees the anger, hurt, pain that he's putting me through not knowing what the hell went wrong not even a goodbye. So yes he was my boyfriend we were together. We were planning on having a future. So you could imagine the amount of anger and pain I have.

 

I told him not to overdo it, I told him take it easy, I told him to stop worrying about everyone and take care of himself. He was so stubborn I'm sure his body shut down. And now look where he is now. Was it all worth it to put his family and me through this.

 

 

 

 

Ok breathe.

 

I am so sorry, please try to keep things in perspective to keep yourself sane and even keeled and please please please if you are feeling suicidal see someone ASAP.

 

What I mean by perspective is you mentioned this was the guy who was the workaholic. As much as you liked him you two broke up because you were deeply incompatible, you can care deeply for someone but recognize they aren’t for you, and it appears that’s what happened here, to now refer to him as your boyfriend and love of your life, may be this event is triggering something deeper in you.

 

To avoid a dangerous spiral I think it would be wise to speak to someone. Grief is a complex thing and doesn’t always make sense and it can manifest itself in many ways, you are grieving something but is it what was?

 

I’m so sorry again and I wish you luck through your journey, maybe consider journaling here, it has helped many people.

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He did not die to specifically hurt you or to "put you through this". It sounds like you are redirecting a lot of general rage and depression at him. You are mourning a future that was never there. How long were you broken up when you found out on fb that he died?

We were together for 3 months. Was it all worth it to put his family and me through this.
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We were never broken up. Why, would you say something like this. We were,planning for a,future together. I don't want to hear your cruel comments Wiseman I dont need this. All I know is that as much as I loved him he loved me too. I know he did.

.

 

 

He did not die to specifically hurt you or to "put you through this". It sounds like you are redirecting a lot of general rage and depression at him. You are mourning a future that was never there. How long were you broken up when you found out on fb that he died?
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I dont want a new journey. No one I mean no one can ever replace him. I'm not moving on without him.

 

 

 

 

 

We never die, we leave our bodies behind but the energy inside, some call it souls do not cease to exist. Now, he lives in your memory so keep him alive there as your life will take on a new journey.
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*snipped*

Coolgirl Was this a long distance relationship? How did he die?

From your other thread:

I just learned that the guy I previously dated
"Previously dated" implies that you had broken up.

 

Anyway... Please get the book The Five Stages of Grief. Hopefully it will get you past the agony of the stage of Anger and onto the blissful stage of acceptance. It's after you reach the stage of Acceptance that you will start to feel some relief to your grief.

Edited by ThatwasThen
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Our relationship was fairly new by the time we were dating. We made plans to meet each others families down the road. We wanted to wait and enjoy our time as a couple before we met each others families. So his mom did know about me. Because he did tell her. That I existed. I never had her contact information and neither did she. His coworker knew about me as well. I can understand why she couldn't due to her son passing. But his friend he could had gone through his phone and find my number and ring me up. That is so unfair the way I had to find out. No, he wasnt long distance. He was local. So you can only imagine the state of shock I was in when I found out about his passing. And I just hope and pray to god he's seeing all this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can I ask if he was your soulmate and you were making plans for the future, why you found out about his death on facebook and not through his family? Not to seem insensitive, just trying to figure out the deal hear. Was it a long distance relationship? Had you never met is family or friends?

 

In the meantime, while I wait for further details, I do hope that you order a copy of The Five Stages of Grief and read. It may help you to get to the stage of acceptance. Right now you are in the stage of Anger.

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No, he was not long distance. Like I said I dont know anything. Which makes it tough.

Yea, I thought so too. But that wasnt the case. We got back together shortly after. After that things were normal again after we reconciled. This was a month ago. So we were together.

 

 

 

 

*snipped*

Coolgirl Was this a long distance relationship? How did he die?

From your other thread: "Previously dated" implies that you had broken up.

 

Anyway... Please get the book The Five Stages of Grief. Hopefully it will get you past the agony of the stage of Anger and onto the blissful stage of acceptance. It's after you reach the stage of Acceptance that you will start to feel some relief to your grief.

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Our relationship was fairly new by the time we were dating. We made plans to meet each others families down the road. We wanted to wait and enjoy our time as a couple before we met each others families. So his mom did know about me. Because he did tell her. That I existed. I never had her contact information and neither did she. His coworker knew about me as well. I can understand why she couldn't due to her son passing. But his friend he could had gone through his phone and find my number and ring me up. That is so unfair the way I had to find out. No, he wasnt long distance. He was local. So you can only imagine the state of shock I was in when I found out about his passing. And I just hope and pray to god he's seeing all this.

Yes, I missed your followup post when I posted and snipped my original and reposted up above.

 

Get the book The Five Stages of Grief. Hopefully it will help you get to the blissful stage of Acceptance. Once in that stage, you will be thinking more clearly and you will understand that there will be someone who you actually get to spend your life with that you will consider your "soul mate" and when you think of the guy that passed away, you won't be doing it in the agony that you're currently in. Time is your friend.

 

In your other thread you said you had "previously dated" him. That implies that you had broken up so I can see why Wiseman thought you had broken up.

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Wiseman, I'm sorry for my angry outburst. Yes, we were broken up for a while. But we got back together shortly after. And we were on good terms after that. We talked things through and working on fixing our issues. Not every relationship is perfect. He made have had his flaws but that never ever stopped me from loving him.

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When was the last time you saw him or spoke to him? Just curious to understand the context a bit better, given some recent threads which gave the impression that you weren't in a relationship but exploring dating someone new.

 

I'm so very sorry for what you've experienced, and what you are feeling right now. Are you alone, during this global health crisis? Or is there anyone you can talk to? We're here of course, to listen as best we can, but there are limitations to the kind of support we can offer in facing the very real monster that is grief.

 

For whatever it's worth? Whenever I die, I hope that anyone and everyone I've ever loved, and who has ever loved me, will ultimately honor my passing by continuing to live, and to love.

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I am never ever going to move on. Not without him. No one can ever replace him.

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I missed your followup post when I posted and snipped my original and reposted up above.

 

Get the book The Five Stages of Grief. Hopefully it will help you get to the blissful stage of Acceptance. Once in that stage, you will be thinking more clearly and you will understand that there will be someone who you actually get to spend your life with that you will consider your "soul mate" and when you think of the guy that passed away, you won't be doing it in the agony that you're currently in. Time is your friend.

 

In your other thread you said you had "previously dated" him. That implies that you had broken up so I can see why Wiseman thought you had broken up.

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I've already responded in your other thread when I went through the same thing and my advice remains the same: get professional help, either in an individual setting or a group setting, whichever works for you.

 

It sounds like you hadn't been in regular contact if you found out via his obituary that he had died. I guess I don't understand. If you were as close as you say you were . . . his family never contacted you? Did they know about you?

 

edited to add: OK, I see--it was a new relationship. I would be careful about assigning labels like "soulmate" and "love of my life" in cases like this. I'm sure it's been a huge shock, I know first-hand, and grieving is natural.

Edited by waffle
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I am never ever going to move on. Not without him. No one can ever replace him.

 

Then why bother posting here? Just get on with not getting over him and suffering like you are over a mere three month relationship wherein I suspect you barely saw the man. I don't say that in malice, I just don't see why you need two threads on the same subject. Maybe a private journal would suit you better where you can not get over him without hearing people try to help you out of your misery, where you can get on not getting over him in peace.

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No, he was not long distance. Like I said I dont know anything. Which makes it tough.

Yea, I thought so too. But that wasnt the case. We got back together shortly after. After that things were normal again after we reconciled. This was a month ago. So we were together.

 

This is why people are confused:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564032

 

I didn't realize that was the same man you're talking about here.

 

It's impossible now to think about going on. I understand that. It's too soon and too fresh.

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He passed away a week ago. So 3 weeks ago. I thought he had broken up with me. Our relationship had its ups and downs and we had a falling out a week after that. Yes, we didnt talk for a week I thought our relationship was over with. He came back and apologized to me for the way he was acting and wanting to try again and I gave him a chance. After that I didnt hear from him for a week. He did this alot even while we were together. So i was assuming he was busy with work and just got caught in the moment because he was living a busy lifestyle. After that, that's when I found out something was off. He stopped posting on Facebook. Because he usually does that's how I knew he was doing okay. By his posts. After not being able to talk to him for a week and not knowing what was going on at that time that's how I found out he passed away. I didnt know what was going on why he suddenly stopped talking to me. Till I learned he was dead for a week. I didnt know anything. I did try calling him for a week and he wasnt even answering. Little did I know he was dead for a week . So I knew in the back of my mind something was wrong. Till I learned that he passed on. I knew nothing as I was left to find out on my own. Our relationship wasnt perfect we always managed to work things out.

 

 

QUOTE=bluecastle;7206796]When was the last time you saw him or spoke to him? Just curious to understand the context a bit better, given some recent threads which gave the impression that you weren't in a relationship but exploring dating someone new.

 

I'm so very sorry for what you've experienced, and what you are feeling right now. Are you alone, during this global health crisis? Or is there anyone you can talk to? We're here of course, to listen as best we can, but there are limitations to the kind of support we can offer in facing the very real monster that is grief.

 

For whatever it's worth? Whenever I die, I hope that anyone and everyone I've ever loved, and who has ever loved me, will ultimately honor my passing by continuing to live, and to love.

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No, this wasnt the man I was talking about. If you go to my previous posts I talked about someone else that was a workaholic. You got it mixed up I was involved with someone else. Before I even started talking to someone again. Just for the record when I found out about my boyfriends passing I cut contact off with this person. I just couldn't deal.

 

 

 

 

This is why people are confused:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564032

 

I didn't realize that was the same man you're talking about here.

 

It's impossible now to think about going on. I understand that. It's too soon and too fresh.

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Coolgirl... please look into getting yourself into therapy. You have a lot of past stuff you haven't come to terms with and packed away. Once you have dealt with your past trauma(s) I think you will be in a much better place. There are even online therapist that you can talk to virtually that will help you.

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You said this in your other thread:

As a almost soon to be a 40 year old women I've had many many horrific experiences in my past. Because of my previous dating life
You would do very well to process all those horrific experiences with the help of a professional that you can ruminate with.

 

Help yourself to be the best you that you can be and feeling the best you can be... Get things resolved professionally.

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Yea, I thought about that too actually. I'm gonna give myself 2 weeks and see how I feel. If I see that I'm still gonna have a hard time than that's when I'll consider going to group therapy. For some people I dont know about you. When you think you meet the one when you know you know. The moment we met and saw each other I knew he was the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He was falling for me too. He told me himself. He was my soulmate and the love of my life. Talking about having kids together and making future plans together and having that taken away from you. Have you ever been in love ? And that love being taken away from you how would it make you feel when someone you love is making plans to have a future with you ?

 

 

 

 

 

I've already responded in your other thread when I went through the same thing and my advice remains the same: get professional help, either in an individual setting or a group setting, whichever works for you.

 

It sounds like you hadn't been in regular contact if you found out via his obituary that he had died. I guess I don't understand. If you were as close as you say you were . . . his family never contacted you? Did they know about you?

 

edited to add: OK, I see--it was a new relationship. I would be careful about assigning labels like "soulmate" and "love of my life" in cases like this. I'm sure it's been a huge shock, I know first-hand, and grieving is natural.

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