Risk friendship for more?

[Devi367]

Not sure if this is the forum for it but here goes. I’m currently in an odd situation. This is a bit long but there’s quite a bit going on. After visiting a town for work I fell in love with the area which was 2,600 miles from where I was living previously. After making friends with people in the area and mentioning I was sad to leave a man who I had met only briefly offered me his spare room. Taking a risk I accepted.

 

Due to money shortage I couldn’t pay rent(which he knew already) but I offered to help keep the house clean, do dishes, split fire wood(it’s off grid) and things such as that. I went into this deal hoping it wasn’t one of those situations where he would want other “favors”. What I wasn’t expecting was that I would want that!

 

We’ve grown close. After living together, traveling a bit together(to save gas) and just generally being sort of up each other’s butts for the last six months we’ve never once argued or gotten mad at each other. I’ve also been noticing we’re becoming equally codependent.

 

We’re both a bit mentally unstable. He’s Bipolar, has PTSD, general anxiety and is a sex addict. I have touch phobia, severe anxiety, and depression(possibly bipolar but I haven’t been tested). We both agree that we’ve been keeping each other sane lately.

 

I was attracted to him from the very start but he wasn’t so much. After a couple months I had a conversation with him about my feelings and that my touch phobia was holding me back the most. He’s been helping me with it by constantly causing casual contact through the day and we exchange non sexual massages.

 

Lately it’s stagnated at this point. Everyone in the area thinks we’re together and we’ve both mentioned to each other that since everyone thinks it we might as well be intimate but we never get further than that.

 

He’s mentioned that I just need to be aggressive and take what I want but I’ve explained to him that I’m inexperienced(virgin) and am simply not confident enough in myself to take charge like that. Then he mentions that he doesn’t want to loose this awesome friendship by being intimate in a sexual manner.

 

I’m not sure what to do anymore. Should I just quit trying because he’s making excuses and maybe isn’t that into me? Or should I try what I’m not comfortable with and be aggressive but risk loosing it all? Or is there other options?

[ThatwasThen]

He wants you to initiate because then it will be your idea. He's grooming you. You would be insane to get intimate just because people think you already are. Instead, how about you "get intimate" when he is willing to be in an exclusive relationship with you and promises that if things go pear shaped, he'll give you proper notice to move out and find your own home.

 

He’s Bipolar, has PTSD, general anxiety and is a sex addict.

As a virgin do you really want to allow yourself to become emotionally vulnerable to someone like that?

 

After visiting a town for work I fell in love with the area which was 2,600 miles from where I was living previously. After making friends with people in the area and mentioning I was sad to leave a man who I had met only briefly offered me his spare room. Taking a risk I accepted.

You took quite the chance. Were your parents on board with you moving in with a stranger? Are you on good terms with them?

 

I think you should go home and not risk your own emotional well being. If he really is a sex addict, you're not going to be doing it with someone that will be able to maintain monogamy. Has he been diagnosed as a sex addict or are you just going by his sexual history?

[smackie9]

Stay friends but also let it give you enough confidence to explore other options. Codependency is unhealthy when there are no boundaries or expressed expectations. Figure out what you want and discus sit with him. That you are ok with "friendship" but that there will be a time that you will want to date someone, and that your dynamic will have to change to accommodate.

[Andrina]

What does his sex addiction entail? I'll be brief and just say that people with addictions of any kind should be considered a dealbreaker for anyone.

 

After being with a person who suffered from depression in my first failed marriage, I don't recommend that to anyone. It'd be best if you get your own issues under control before seeking out romance, and if that ever happens, he'd be the last person I'd suggest.

 

Friends usually argue less than romantic partners, because there are a lot more expectations when it comes to having someone as a love interest. From the outside looking in, if you two became sexual partners, I see it as someone accidentally lighting a wick in a fireworks tent, and I don't mean that in a good way.

[Devi367]

He wants you to initiate because then it will be your idea. He's grooming you. You would be insane to get intimate just because people think you already are. Instead, how about you "get intimate" when he is willing to be in an exclusive relationship with you and promises that if things go pear shaped, he'll give you proper notice to move out and find your own home.

 

If he really is a sex addict, you're not going to be doing it with someone that will be able to maintain monogamy. Has he been diagnosed as a sex addict or are you just going by his sexual history?

 

 

Going by what he’s told me(he said in his own words). I don’t know that he’s actually an addict or if he just likes to have sex allot. I know he watches a lot of porn and masturbates several times a day. Lots of sex wouldn’t be a problem for me. I have a fairly high sex drive going by my own experience.

 

I have no problems talking about sex and I’m in no way prudish. We’ve watched porn together and talked a bit about preferences.

 

He’s a brutally honest individual. His friends have told me he’s “stupid loyal and never cheats and that his girlfriends took advantage of that”. Obviously that’s just them saying so(his friends are also pushing us together as they see how happy he’s been with me around)but I haven’t seen any signs of any red flags in the loyalty department. Even though we aren’t together he’s been very respectful.

 

 

As a virgin do you really want to allow yourself to become emotionally vulnerable to someone like that?

 

You took quite the chance. Were your parents on board with you moving in with a stranger? Are you on good terms with them?

 

I think you should go home and not risk your own emotional well being.

 

I should note that while I’m a virgin it’s purely due to my touch phobia getting in the way and guys not willing to take it super slow. When a guy gets handsy and a girl shrinks away like she’s been burned it has a tendency to give the signal that the girl isn’t interested at all.

 

I’m 26 and this isn’t me running away from home or anything. I’ve been traveling around and doing work exchanges for places to stay and working short term jobs so I can continue to travel. I’ve stayed in six states in the last three years and visited more. Yes this life is different but I have had nothing but great experiences and met amazing people. I’m welcome at my fathers house but I have no desire to go back.

[ThatwasThen]

Thank you for the detailed response, Devi. If he knows of your touch phobia, that may be another reason why he wants you to initiate... so that he doesn't spook you.

 

Only you know what you should do but I will say one more negative...

We’ve watched porn together and talked a bit about preferences.

That is another form of grooming.

 

You are becoming dependent on him, you're not paying rent, he's grooming you, you have a touch phobia and are considering someone who calls himself a sex addict and you say you have a high sex drive but you are a virgin. What are you basing your high sex drive on? Doing everything but intercourse?

 

Its clear he will have sex with you and that he's just waiting for you to initiate so that he can be guilt free as it will be your choice. Choose wisely while keeping your end dating goal in mind. Do you even know what your end dating goal with this guy would be?

[Cherylyn]

This is not a healthy living arrangement. If you can't afford to move out now, continue contributing by doing a lot of chores as described; no strings attached.

 

Then when you can afford move out, move out whether back home or get your own place or have a different roommate then.

 

Don't let him taint and corrupt you with his worldly ways. You're better than that.

[Andrina]

I know he watches a lot of porn and masturbates several times a day. Lots of sex wouldn’t be a problem for me. I have a fairly high sex drive going by my own experience.

 

Eww. Just reading that disgusts me. I'm assuming those activities take several hours of each day to accomplish. I much prefer a man with healthy hobbies and who spends the rest of the day constructively. You obviously know nothing about how daily porn and daily masturbation negatively affects a man's brain. I'd suggest you read some articles on that, because instead of having lots of sex, you'll be frustrated. We see those women posting on this forum quite regularly, that their partners would rather get off on porn than having real live sex with a real live woman. Here's an excerpt from an article that explains this:

 

Enjoying real-life sex less is perhaps the best-known consequence of porn over-consumption, and a well understood problem in the 21st century. In the 1980s, anti-porn protesters always argued it would turn men into monstrous pests. If anything, it seems to have done the opposite; it is not uncommon to hear of young men so accustomed to viewing porn of whatever variety, whenever they want it, that the labour of having actual sex is seen as unnecessary.

[Devi367]

Maybe TMI but I masturbate more often than all of the girls/women I personally know and am adventurous about it. I’m a virgin but I’m far from innocent. I’m tomboyish so often get treated as one of the guys. Which means he is far from the first guy I’ve watched porn with. I also watch porn regularly on my own so I can’t judge him for that.

 

I wouldn’t be unhappy with friends with benefits but I know he’s not the type of guy who could do that. He’s stated exasperatedly that he wished he could have one night stands but just can’t because he catches feelings. I’d be fine with dating long term too. We get along so well that we were both suspicious that the other was lying to “fit in” for the first couple months.

 

He works six days a week as an elderly care nurse, he’s not a stay at home looser. I’m worth more than that. I definitely wouldn’t be having sex with him just to stay here. I’d be having sex with him because I’m a woman with needs who’s sexually attracted to him. I have places to go and I’m not trapped here.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Do not have any form of sex with a "sex addict" in fact stop letting him groom and push you into touching, especially what you are calling 'nonsexual massages'.

 

Do not become anyone's indentured servant or sex slave. Find a job and appropriate accommodations. A doctor/therapist could help you much more than someone with as many problems and instability as this guy has.

 

Try to reach out to friends, family,etc. Most of all enlist the help of friends family, kindness of strangers to extricate yourself from this.

 

Join some groups, clubs (online). Take some online courses to further you career or in topics that interest you. Apply for public assistance for food, housing career training healthcare etc. You are wasting your time being this creeps slave when you could get food, shelter, healthcare etc from appropriate sources.

Due to money shortage I couldn’t pay rent(which he knew already) but I offered to help keep the house clean, do dishes, split fire wood(it’s off grid). He’s Bipolar, has PTSD, general anxiety and is a sex addict. I have touch phobia, severe anxiety, and depression(possibly bipolar but I haven’t been tested). He’s been helping me with it by constantly causing casual contact through the day and we exchange non sexual massages.

[ThatwasThen]

Maybe TMI but I masturbate more often than all of the girls/women I personally know and am adventurous about it. I’m a virgin but I’m far from innocent. I’m tomboyish so often get treated as one of the guys. Which means he is far from the first guy I’ve watched porn with. I also watch porn regularly on my own so I can’t judge him for that.

 

I wouldn’t be unhappy with friends with benefits but I know he’s not the type of guy who could do that. He’s stated exasperatedly that he wished he could have one night stands but just can’t because he catches feelings. I’d be fine with dating long term too. We get along so well that we were both suspicious that the other was lying to “fit in” for the first couple months.

 

He works six days a week as an elderly care nurse, he’s not a stay at home looser. I’m worth more than that. I definitely wouldn’t be having sex with him just to stay here. I’d be having sex with him because I’m a woman with needs who’s sexually attracted to him. I have places to go and I’m not trapped here.

Then whats holding you back from initiating? I know you have a touch phobia but you seem to trust him so what's the deal?

 

I'm not saying you should advance your friendship, personally my advice is that you don't but if you are wanting to, you don't see any problem with him as a partner, you don't think he'll be out doing others and that porn hasn't fried his brain then why the thread? Why not just go for it? In other words: Why are you having any second thoughts/why is your gut trying to tell you something?

[Devi367]

Wow. I know I asked for advice but I think there’s a lot of assuming going on here. I’m not some helpless female trapped here with a pervert. I have a job, I have a working vehicle, I could pay rent at this point but he doesn’t want me to. He’s happy with the things I do around the household.

 

This is not the first arrangement I’ve had like this. This is how I live. If I go elsewhere it will be a similar arrangement. I’ve chosen this alternative lifestyle for myself.

 

 

We are very respectful of each other’s privacy and limits. These casual touches are not anything most people would even notice but because of my touch phobia I do. Only on arms or legs below the knee, top of the head. Never in any way inappropriate.

 

Since I’ve been open with people about my touch phobia it has almost become worse because people avoid any contact. Which wasn’t my point in telling them. I just want people to know that if they accidentally touch me and I jerk away like I’ve been hurt it’s not because they did anything wrong.

 

Have none of you ever gotten a massage from a friend because your neck, back, feet or shoulders hurts? I know I have. It’s a clothes on non sexual thing.

 

Then whats holding you back from initiating? I know you have a touch phobia but you seem to trust him so what's the deal?

 

I'm not saying you should advance your friendship, personally my advice is that you don't but if you are wanting to, you don't see any problem with him as a partner, you don't think he'll be out doing others and that porn hasn't fried his brain then why the thread? Why not just go for it? In other words: Why are you having any second thoughts/why is your gut trying to tell you something?

 

My anxiety about doing much of anything new is pretty severe. I’ve had panic attacks just calling people.

 

I guess I shouldn’t have started the thread because no one really knows the situation. I don’t mean to sound like I didn’t want to hear any else’s opinion. I do and I respect them and very much appreciate the concern you guys have shown for my wellbeing. You guys are right. There are some major red flags and reason for concern here but there are some on my side for him as well I’m sure.

[Wiseman2]

What alternative is this?

This is not the first arrangement I’ve had like this. If I go elsewhere it will be a similar arrangement. I’ve chosen this alternative lifestyle for myself.

[Devi367]

What alternative is this?

 

I live off grid. Work mostly for trade and deal in money only when I absolutely have to. When I travel I live out of my vehicle(Truck with camper). I quit a very good job for this and have yet to regret it.