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In November my husband started acting differently. I knew something was wrong and had the same sinking feeling I would get anytime I was in a relationship with someone who was cheating. I had no proof for a while but the terrible feeling wasn't going away. I found underwear with cum on them in the laundry pile. Then there were no underwear in the laundry at all. My suspicions grew more and more. I started to look for more evidence of cheating when he said he was depressed and needed to spend time away from the house and away from me. I found a note he had written with a date, and his signature that said, "I love you" and a girl's name. He got a nude calendar in the mail that he said he didn't order. I questioned him about the note. He said he had been "catfished" online. He said she wasn't who she said she was and it was obvious that a picture she sent him had been photoshopped. I started looking through his phone. They had been talking and he installed an app so they could talk privately when she asked him to. So, I never saw the private conversations in the app. But, I did see her asking him to visit her in Portland. I saw cute sweet messages between the two of them. He had been having people take pictures of him at work and said they were for a Christmas calendar for me, which I later found out was a lie. He disappeared one day for a whole day and I found out he was purchasing gift cards. When I asked him about it, he said it was for his uncle who was having an affair. I later found out he purchased the gift cards for her, and called her with the numbers so she could use them. One was a Sephora gift card and the other was a Visa gift card. His phone had tons of pictures of her (or who he thought was her) and none of me. The person he thought she was is a model. He continued to talk to her even after he knew she was "catfishing" him and didn't stop for a while. He has a porn addiction and I think this was more wanting what he can't have. After he spent hundreds of dollars on a stranger, he bought me a cheap costume jewelry necklace for Christmas. I have tried to forgive him but there were so many lies and he has yet to do anything even similar to what he did for her. He still has no pictures of me on his phone. He continued to lie to me about his porn addiction. His history on his phone shows he visits porn sites multiple times a day. We can't have sex because he has erectile dysfunction. I ask him can he cum to porn and his answer is only sometimes. I ask him why he wants to visit porn sites so much if he can't cum and his answer is out of habit. I have tried watching porn with him and sometimes that helps his performance. He says he wants me and that it isn't me. We have also tried the little blue pill without success. I don't know if I can trust him and all of this has made me feel unwanted. He hasn't actually cheated on me but the lies made it so much worse because I thought he was cheating when he was lying. I told him if I catch him being sneaky doing anything he knows I wouldn't approve of and then lying about it that I will leave. I know from past experience that I need to have boundaries and stick to them. I just would like an outside opinion on all of this.

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Why are you staying with a man who is a liar, a manipulator, fools around with other women, is completely disrespectful to you and quite clearly does not love you.

 

He is killing yourself esteem if he hasn't killed most of it already...why are you allowing it?

 

You need to gt rid of this creep asap. He is the worst type of man.

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The first piece of garbage he hauled into your life would be enough to for any woman with self worth to walk away. And now a whole garbage truck has arrived and dumped a huge mound on top of you. By God, if you're not suffocating and don't want out of that toxicity ASAP, what the hell is a dealbreaker for you?

 

If you've been married at least 10 years, you're entitled to half of his retirement savings at the time of the divorce and entitled to half of his pension if he has one. Get a good lawyer.

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Sorry this is happening. It sounds like he is checked out. It also seems he has a mistress. Policing him won't help or change things. Decide if you wish to stay.

 

Contact and attorney and review your options, rather than making empty threats. Also get to a doctor for STD testing and advice.

 

In the mean time get very busy, work, classes, volunteering, groups, clubs time with friend and family. Go out a lot more. Be out of the home a lot more Don't say where you are going. Stop mothering and policing and making empty threats. Stop doing his laundry, cooking, shopping, etc.

-he said he was depressed and needed to spend time away from the house and away from me.

-I found a note he had written with a date, and his signature that said, "I love you" and a girl's name.

-We can't have sex because he has erectile dysfunction.

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Why are you trying to force yourself to forgive him?

 

The man doesn't care about you or your marriage. He's not going to change, because he knows he can get away with it. If you stay, you are signing up for more of the same.

 

Personally? I would be looking for a divorce attorney. This marriage is already over in all but name.

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Well clearly the man was getting some form of relief from what I assume was a very low self worth. She stroked his ego, made him feel important and at times, was even able to give him a boner. That is, IMO, most likely why he let this go as far as it did. She made him feel like a whole man again. I'm thinking that is the psychology behind what he's done.

 

Now, that being said, I think if you're going to stay with him that the two of you need to get yourselves into marriage counseling. To do nothing and to do it without the guidance of someone that can (hopefully) get the two of you back on track with your emotional connection, you will never be able to trust him again.

 

It's understandable that you don't want to leave a man that you both have promised to one another a life together so if you're going to try and make it work, then you really need to get the therapy that your marriage needs. You may even be referred to a sex therapist by your marriage counselor to help the two of you navigate his ED.

 

Good luck, I hope you take immediate action in getting that therapy started.

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He hasn't actually cheated on me but the lies made it so much worse because I thought he was cheating when he was lying.

 

Girl what more evidence do you need? Do you need to actually see the two of them go at it? He has cheated on you, is cheating on you, and will continue to cheat on you.

 

I told him if I catch him being sneaky doing anything he knows I wouldn't approve of and then lying about it that I will leave. I know from past experience that I need to have boundaries and stick to them. I just would like an outside opinion on all of this.

 

Empty threats as you have already caught him being sneaky and lying to you, doing things you don't approve of, and you are still there.

 

What do boundaries mean to you OP? To me, a boundary is something that aligns with my personal values and beliefs... and if someone is doing something that doesn't align with those boundaries, I know I need to have a difficult conversation with that person and walk away if nothing changes. If you do have a boundary about being lied to, cheated on, etc... then for your own self-worth please follow through on maintaining them.

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Actually you DO know. You CANNOT trust him. I'm not sure what you're waiting for but if you have the means to get out now it's a no-brainer, get out now!

 

This ^^^. Or to put it another way, you can trust him to cheat, lie and spend a fortune on a fantasy woman!

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How do you know his story is the truth? Is it easier for him to let you think he's a pathetic man that got catfished by pretty pictures? Than to be the pathetic cheat of a man? because either way he's both.

 

Ok. Lets say that just being catfished is true. No physical contact...... How is a happily married man catfished? He started talking to someone on line? How? a porn site? a dating app?

 

Wake up girlfriend. This is beyond lying. You are kidding yourself.

 

Is this type of loser behaviour what you want from your spouse?

 

Let him wash his own cum stained underwear. And since when is a wife a prison guard? If he does one more thing! pppppplease. You are betraying yourself at this point.

 

And thats the part in the long run you will struggle the most to forgive...

 

You are at a crossroads right now. And you really need to take a long, hard look at your marriage and your husband.

 

Look at how he treated you over a picture of a woman... if that's the case. I'd really question how this is going to work out in the long run, because if it was that simple for him to turn his attention from you to someone else... it can happen again.

 

I'm sorry I know its not the marriage you probably want, but dont fool yourself into thinking any of this can change by you accepting it.

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How do you know his story is the truth? Is it easier for him to let you think he's a pathetic man that got catfished by pretty pictures? Than to be the pathetic cheat of a man? because either way he's both.

 

Ok. Lets say that just being catfished is true. No physical contact...... How is a happily married man catfished? He started talking to someone on line? How? a porn site? a dating app?

 

Exactly. no one can be randomly catfished unless they are online looking for someone.

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btw, if it was true that his uncle was having an affair and he was complicit in buying things for the mistress, that would equally be a sign of no morals and scruples. I would see a lawyer without his knowledge immediately. Once you know your rights/strategy, hand him a suitcase.

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No matter what you do, when someone wants to cheat, they will do it.

 

Please move on with your life, keep yourself busy, seek therapy or a grief support group, engage in activities that will occupy your mind. Its a bit hard now if you are impacted with the "shelter to place", but try your best!

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