Advice Needed

[Cherylyn]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but 3 - 4 hours to see each other will eventually wear both of you down for obvious reasons: inconvenience, hassle, expensive traveling back 'n forth and absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. To the contrary, too much absence causes two people to drift apart. Be realistic. Most local relationships tend to endure because it's easier to see each other more often.

 

I don't buy into his telling you: "he doesn't know till we get there." That's just hot air and doesn't make any sense. You can read the writing on the wall now and know in your mind that this relationship will end up being impractical.

 

It's better to be completely honest with him and tell him your reasons as stated above. Then it's not personal. Of course, no one wants to feel rejected but remaining realistic takes priority in everyone's lives.

 

You don't have to voice your concern because then he'll continue to tell you that he doesn't know 'til both of you get there. Just tell him (on the phone - text or conversation) that the 3 - 4 hour difference to see each other each time is realistically very inconvenient and inconvenient relationships rarely endure. Sooner or later both of you will burn out. Continue being up front and honest because honesty is the best policy. Save both your energies, time, resources (money) and effort by ending it now.

[Batya33]

You're not in a friend zone -you're chatting with a stranger. You're not some passive leaf blowing in the wind who gets to say "he contacted me first" -so -how is that even relevant? You're not going to get to know anything relevant by typing/talking/video chatting. Yes, total waste of time. Of course he should meet and pursue other women however he wishes. I don't think long distance where you start out as complete strangers make any sense in your situation -let alone to wait months to meet? I was long distance on and off for a few years with my husband and I agreed because we'd been seriously committed in the past, we could see each other every 11 days or so, and our decision to start dating again was to see if we should get married. And I was open to and accepted that I'd probably have to relocate. I did. Otherwise I'd never have done it.

[Andrina]

Why are you choosing the most difficult form of dating there is? As Limichelle says, it's because you want to live in a fantasyland where being hurt will be delayed because what do you have to argue about when you're not sharing a life with each other in 3D?

 

He was the one that reached out to me first. So he was the one that iniated the contact first knowing that he's 4 hours away from me.

 

This is such a passive statement, letting life just happen to you, instead of you hopping into the driver's seat. I did OLD for several years. Even thought I stated a guy would have to live no more than an hour from me, plenty from farther away would still contact me. Did I give in to their wants? No. My desire was to have a regular companion I could meet up with several times a week to enjoy their company, and I stuck to that goal. Eventually it paid off, and I met my future husband, who lived 40 minutes from me. Our first date was a week and a half after starting to speak. At the end of our first date, he asked me out for the next night. So much more satisfying than a pen pal.

 

I would like to get to know him and met up with him sooner than later knowing that if I'm his type or not.

 

Wow. This is so telling. Again, your thought process goes to what he might like or not like, versus you having an ounce of self esteem. If you did, you'd be thinking of what's best for yourself, to date locally so that you can cut off the losers as soon as you see red flags, and keep on dating the guys who put equal effort into the relationship as you, and finding out if you share dating goals. With your low self-worth and doormat mentality, the only type of guys you will be attracting will be abusers and bullies.

 

I just want to avoid getting hurt that's all. Sorry, but nobody on the planet is immune to getting hurt. And keeping yourself in a safe bubble will be both lonely and self-sabotaging. You want to put guards up? Why should anyone invest in tearing them down? Most people don't want to jump those hurdles. It's exhausting.

 

I suggest the same as Limichelle. You're not ready for dating. You have a lot of work to do on yourself before being ready. Until you can enjoy a first meet up without projecting to the future, and until you can tell yourself you can handle anything that comes your way, be single. There are things you can control in life like choosing someone to date who appears to be a good risk for your heart, and who shares your dating goals and ethics, but that's something you will see as it unfolds over time, and you just need to be patient and take a day by day attitude. Perhaps therapy can help if you can't achieve this on your own. Good luck.

[ChellyV]

Let me just share a recent experience I had, never mind other leap of faith needs in your thread.

 

I struck a friendship with someone online, we met 2x in person, and talked everyday for a month. The chemistry was there. However, he lived approximately 1.5 hour drive from me, was managing a big company's supply chain, and was completing his bachelors online. I too had 2 jobs, registered in a weekday class and had some other weekday commitments. Both of us did not meet each other's needs of hanging out as much as we can (maybe twice a week?) because of our circumstances. While I am not per se hearbroken as I totally understood, I was sad to lose this "friend". However, I will not settle with just phone chats. I would like to see him regularly on weekends, which he was unable to offer.

 

What do you want? You need to know this before allowing anyone intimately in your life.

[TrutHurts]

It will work short term only, it is rare for a relationship work over distance - too many variables.