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Advice Needed


coolgirl

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So just recently I started to talk to a guy on Zoosk and so far so good as far as conversation wise. We have exchanged number and have talked on the phone. Were in the process of getting to know each other and so far as I know he seems pretty decent for the time being. The problem is that he lives 3 to 4 hours away. Before he messaged me he was fully aware of the distance and and I did ask him if the distance is going to bother him. He says he doesnt know till we get to there.

 

My question is even with the 3-4 hours of distance how is this going to work ? Were just in the friend zone for the time being and in no rush to start a relationship. Should I be worried if he meets other women as friends ? I did ask him if hes a 1 woman man and he said he is. How can I find out if he's talking to other women without creeping him out ? I know it shouldn't bother me but it does.

 

Reason being me saying this is because I want to avoid going through the disappointment and hurt of being rejected. If he finds someone better. It could happen. I worry about it. I know in life there is no guarantee but I do have my fears and I dont know whether I should communicate with him about this. I dont even know if I'm his type at all. I guess my question is should I voice my concern and tell him how I feel or should I just hold back for a while until I know him better ? because I'm always upfront and honest with the people i meet or date.

 

For once I want something to go right for me and not screw anything up.

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Unfortunately, until you meet and get to know each other in person and both decide to be exclusive, both of you are free to talk to and date others, especially locally. The best way to avoid being hurt or disappointed is to date locally and not invest this much in someone you have never met.

 

If you wish to make more friends in general it may be best to connect to more people who share your interests. Take some courses and classes, even online if things are restricted in your area. Consider volunteering with an an online support group for people isolated by recent events. Over investing and over confiding in someone you met on a dating site and hope to be exclusive with is a way you could get hurt. He of course will seek local people to date.

My question is even with the 3-4 hours of distance how is this going to work ? Were just in the friend zone for the time being and in no rush to start a relationship. Should I be worried if he meets other women as friends ?How can I find out if he's talking to other women without creeping him out ? I know it shouldn't bother me but it does.

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If you've never met this man than you are not dating, you have no right to ask him any questions about other women and you should stop just talking to him and make arrangements to meet and get to know one another. If you see that the dating is progressing to sex then is the time to talk about exclusivity.

 

Why are you talking to guys that are 3 to 4 hours away. What a waste of your time. You aren't confident enough to be able to handle a long distance relationship if you're already worried that he's talking to other women.

 

Find a guy who lives where you do where you can be assured through his attentiveness that he is just pursuing you.

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I think it's worth remembering that there is a huge difference between "dating" and talking to a stranger on a screen, even if those talks are in the context of dating. In this phase of things it is impossible to be "rejected" because you must first be "accepted," and that is a ways off.

 

So, no, this is not the moment to ask who else he is talking to and try to carve out some kind of commitment because you're anxious. He's a guy you don't know, and a guy who lives 4 hours away during a moment in time when people are being asked to stay inside. It is very, very hard to imagine those facts adding up to "dating," at least not anytime soon.

 

Doesn't mean you can't keep talking to him, but if you do? I'd accept that what it is is a little online friendship/flirtationship, at least for the time being. Which, hey, can be a nice thing during strange times, though the nice part is dependent on being realistic.

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If you don't know how distance will work for you ....and it reads like you can't handle distance....then do yourself a huge favor and don't even bother with guys who are that far away from you. On all these apps, you can limit your dating radius to what you find reasonable and can manage.

 

Your anxieties and questions at this point only highlight the fact that you are not in a place emotionally where you should be attempting a long distance relationship. It's not on him to reassure you and soothe your fears. At this point in time, it would be inappropriate for you to even ask him these kinds of questions. You aren't dating, you aren't exclusive, you don't even know if you'll click should you manage to meet face to face. You are putting the cart ten miles ahead of the horse here, which means....long distance isn't for you at this point in time.

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He was the one that reached out to me first. So he was the one that iniated the contact first knowing that he's 4 hours away from me. I would like to get to know him and met up with him sooner than later knowing that if I'm his type or not. The sooner the better because I dont want to invest time if it's not going to get my anywhere. So I get with what your saying. I'm sure there are people that have been in long distance relationships and try to make it work. I just want to avoid getting hurt that's all.

 

 

 

QUOTE=ThatwasThen;7205943]If you've never met this man than you are not dating, you have no right to ask him any questions about other women and you should stop just talking to him and make arrangements to meet and get to know one another. If you see that the dating is progressing to sex then is the time to talk about exclusivity.

 

Why are you talking to guys that are 3 to 4 hours away. What a waste of your time. You aren't confident enough to be able to handle a long distance relationship if you're already worried that he's talking to other women.

 

Find a guy who lives where you do where you can be assured through his attentiveness that he is just pursuing you.

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I honestly dont know yet. We have talked about it. And he's planning to come up in October. But if he suggests sooner the better. It's just the timing we just literally started talking 4 days ago.

 

 

When do you two plan to meet in person?
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I honestly dont know yet. We have talked about it. And he's planning to come up in October. But if he suggests sooner the better. It's just the timing we just literally started talking 4 days ago.

 

Seven months from now?

 

No way would it make sense to shackle yourself to someone you won't even see in person for over half a year.

 

I suggest meeting local men.

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I totally get with what your saying. And I even suggested that let's video chat and see if I'm even his type before he makes a trip out here. I told him I'm in no rush to have a relationship and just want to get to know him better. He knows that. Like I said I dont want to invest my time and energy if things dont end up working out and do myself a favor from being rejected and hurt. So far I dont know what he thinks of me yet.

 

 

QUOTE=DancingFool;7205953]If you don't know how distance will work for you ....and it reads like you can't handle distance....then do yourself a huge favor and don't even bother with guys who are that far away from you. On all these apps, you can limit your dating radius to what you find reasonable and can manage.

 

Your anxieties and questions at this point only highlight the fact that you are not in a place emotionally where you should be attempting a long distance relationship. It's not on him to reassure you and soothe your fears. At this point in time, it would be inappropriate for you to even ask him these kinds of questions. You aren't dating, you aren't exclusive, you don't even know if you'll click should you manage to meet face to face. You are putting the cart ten miles ahead of the horse here, which means....long distance isn't for you at this point in time.

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Like I said it could be sooner I dont know yet.

 

 

QUOTE=boltnrun;7205962]Seven months from now?

 

No way would it make sense to shackle yourself to someone you won't even see in person for over half a year.

 

I suggest meeting local men.

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I honestly dont know yet. We have talked about it. And he's planning to come up in October. But if he suggests sooner the better. It's just the timing we just literally started talking 4 days ago.

 

Oooookay....look, I have nothing against long distance and have had successful LDR's, but this is not how successful LDR's look or work. You both have to have the capacity for easy and regular travel. Meaning that you both have to be able to spend time face to face on a regular basis, including meeting up fairly quickly. If you can't be doing that, then this is already dead in the water before it ever started. Waiting to meet up until October is absurd. Don't waste your time any more on this and tighten up your dating radius on the app to something more manageable.

 

Who contacted who is irrelevant, btw. Means nothing.

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You're kind of talking out of both sides of your mouth right now.

 

Five days ago you did not know this man existed. Today you are talking about not wanting in invest time, in case it ends up not working and you end up getting hurt, feeling rejected, which is kind of the opposite of not being in a rush to get in a relationship.

 

I can't help but feel that you are reacting to two different things inside of you that existed before you knew this man did. One: a very real desire, bordering on thirst, to be in some kind of relationship. Two: an almost paralyzing fear of being hurt by the experiment of romance, which probably makes a pixilated man who lives 4 hours away feel "safe." Until those two things are reconciled, and tempered, you are going to find yourself in a bind like this, where you're inflicting small amounts of pain onto yourself out of fear of another inflicting pain on you.

 

To date you can't be overly scared of being hurt, since it is inevitable. People hurt people, and the journey of finding the right person is not one in which hurt can be preemptively eradicated. Being in an actual relationship? That hurts too, here and there, and there is always the prospect that it might end—after a month, after 20 years. But if you think connection is a worthwhile thing to invest in, it is never a waste of "time and energy."

 

October is a lifetime away. If that is the first chance you each have to see each other, I would say it would be emotionally unhealthy for either of you to be closing off options at this point.

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Would you suggest doing video chat before he even comes out here to even see if I'm his type at all? Or would you suggest just the face to face meeting first. I just dont want to waist his time coming up here for nothing ?

 

 

 

Oooookay....look, I have nothing against long distance and have had successful LDR's, but this is not how successful LDR's look or work. You both have to have the capacity for easy and regular travel. Meaning that you both have to be able to spend time face to face on a regular basis, including meeting up fairly quickly. If you can't be doing that, then this is already dead in the water before it ever started. Waiting to meet up until October is absurd. Don't waste your time any more on this and tighten up your dating radius on the app to something more manageable.

 

Who contacted who is irrelevant, btw. Means nothing.

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Would you suggest doing video chat before he even comes out here to even see if I'm his type at all? Or would you suggest just the face to face meeting first. I just dont want to waist his time coming up here for nothing ?

 

What if he's not YOUR type?

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I understand with what your saying and makes perfect sense. I'm just confused at the moment. I mean we've had great conversations up until now. I guess it's just going to take time. I guess.

 

QUOTE=bluecastle;7205969]You're kind of talking out of both sides of your mouth right now.

 

Five days ago you did not know this man existed. Today you are talking about not wanting in invest time, in case it ends up not working and you end up getting hurt, feeling rejected, which is kind of the opposite of not being in a rush to get in a relationship.

 

I can't help but feel that you are reacting to two different things inside of you that existed before you knew this man did. One: a very real desire, bordering on thirst, to be in some kind of relationship. Two: an almost paralyzing fear of being hurt by the experiment of romance, which probably makes a pixilated man who lives 4 hours away feel "safe." Until those two things are reconciled, and tempered, you are going to find yourself in a bind like this, where you're inflicting small amounts of pain onto yourself out of fear of another inflicting pain on you.

 

To date you can't be overly scared of being hurt, since it is inevitable. People hurt people, and the journey of finding the right person is not one in which hurt can be preemptively eradicated. Being in an actual relationship? That hurts too, here and there, and there is always the prospect that it might end—after a month, after 20 years. But if you think connection is a worthwhile thing to invest in, it is never a waste of "time and energy."

 

October is a lifetime away. If that is the first chance you each have to see each other, I would say it would be emotionally unhealthy for either of you to be closing off options at this point.

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Would you suggest doing video chat before he even comes out here to even see if I'm his type at all? Or would you suggest just the face to face meeting first. I just dont want to waist his time coming up here for nothing ?

 

No I wouldn't suggest video chat because you cannot judge chemistry except for in person, face to face. It's literally chemistry not just "oh you look how you look". There is absolutely no substitute for face to face meetings. You either click or you do not. Waiting for months is absurd, especially if you live only 3-4 hours away (driving I assume). I mean that's what 1.5-2 hrs drive if you meet half way?

 

However, all the above logistics aside, I think you need to step way back and ask yourself if this would even work for you in general? LDR's can be very lonely in that you have to be a very confident, independent person for them to work. What you are showing in this thread is that you are already fearful, nervous, and suspicious, worried about what if's.

 

Why even bother if this is causing you so much stress already? At this point, you don't even know him from Adam, so why not focus on matches that don't rile you up like that?

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As a almost soon to be a 40 year old women I've had many many horrific experiences in my past. Because of my previous dating life has not been easy on me 1 bit. Because of going through turmoil from before I let my gaurds way up and dont tend to let people in my life easily anymore so I do get cautious as the people I've let in my life. It's harder on me to even consider seeing the good in people as to how I was treated before. It's just not about this guy in general this has always been my issue and I'm sorry if I tend to freak out. Yes, it's scary. I know there are no guarantees in life as far as how things go I'm well aware of that. I cant help or control how I feel. That's how my coping mechanism works. I gaurd myself. I tend to protect myself. By not being able to see the good in people. I cant. That's why I told him I'm not looking for a relationship until I get to know him better and see how things progress and we were are on the same page. I know it's not a good thing. But yet I still have not found a good therapist to work on my coping mechanism with. The reason I'm not telling this guy about my emotional issues is because I dont know if it's going to work our or not. Why, bother. I dont want to scare him off by telling him this.

 

 

 

QUOTE=DancingFool;7205979]No I wouldn't suggest video chat because you cannot judge chemistry except for in person, face to face. It's literally chemistry not just "oh you look how you look". There is absolutely no substitute for face to face meetings. You either click or you do not. Waiting for months is absurd, especially if you live only 3-4 hours away (driving I assume). I mean that's what 1.5-2 hrs drive if you meet half way?

 

However, all the above logistics aside, I think you need to step way back and ask yourself if this would even work for you in general? LDR's can be very lonely in that you have to be a very confident, independent person for them to work. What you are showing in this thread is that you are already fearful, nervous, and suspicious, worried about what if's.

 

Why even bother if this is causing you so much stress already? At this point, you don't even know him from Adam, so why not focus on matches that don't rile you up like that?

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I will give a warning based on my actual experience.

 

I started talking to someone online who lives six hours from me back in 2015. I had just gotten out of an eleven year relationship and was lonely and needing companionship so I took talking to this guy. We face timed nightly and set up to meet six months that April. I basically was dedicated to someone I had never met! Sure the having someone listen to me was nice but still lonely. I couldn’t physically touch him or sit next to him.

 

April came and went so that July I finally met him. In person I was disappointed! I liked him more then he liked me. No chemistry! He was stand offish and stuck up. Nothing like the previous conversations I had.

 

After July we decided we couldn’t even work as friends.

 

In summary: You’ll invest time and start an online fantasy that’s not real. You may like that idea as right now you truly aren’t ready for a relationship. In reality it’s a waste of time and people get hurt.

 

I suggest either not looking for anyone and just enjoy being single and taking the time for you.

Or looking for someone close by.

 

After the online fantasy ended for me. I put my radius to close by. I wasn’t ready and that’s why my dating life was hell. I finally took time for myself. I binge watched shows I wanted to watch, meditated, lost weight.

 

Then In November 2018 I signed up for Bumble and connected with a guy we met the following week. He is my boyfriend of over a year now and I couldn’t be happier.

 

Point is, you need to sort out your heart and be okay being alone. You come first! It took me four years after my ex of self reflection before I found my guy. Not saying it will take you that long.

 

Just know you shouldn’t settle!

 

Right now you’re settling by not meeting him until a later date.

 

Good luck op

 

You’re man is out there. Never give up hope on love and never settle. Get you right first! Then everything falls into place. You’ll see. ;)

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Be very wary of long distance chitchat. He could be in a relationship and looking for an out of town bed and breakfast with benefits. You need to cut him off if you don't want to get hurt. Never let a stranger stay in your home.

he's planning to come up in October.
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He was the one that reached out to me first. So he was the one that iniated the contact first knowing that he's 4 hours away from me. I would like to get to know him and met up with him sooner than later knowing that if I'm his type or not. The sooner the better because I dont want to invest time if it's not going to get my anywhere. So I get with what your saying. I'm sure there are people that have been in long distance relationships and try to make it work. I just want to avoid getting hurt that's all.
If you want to avoid getting hurt then don't bother with him anymore. It's likely that you are too afraid of being hurt again to date locally wherein you're going to have to meet sooner rather than later in order to keep them talking to you.

 

You don't even know if this guy is married or not so whether or not he's seeing/talking to other woman is moot at this point. He's not going to be honest with you if he suspects you're going to bolt if you know he is.

 

Why not see or talk to other guys yourself? Guys in your neck of the woods that you might find you have a connection with. Keep your own options open. You owe this guy nothing at this point.

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