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Fighting with family


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I live with my sister and mom. After I graduated from college last year, I returned home to save money for my own place soon. Today I realized I need to leave immediately. My sister and I (who is one and a half year older than me) got into a physical fight over something so stupid. She was so mad because I “yelled” at her. After that she started throwing my belongings. I told her not to keep throwing my things and she didn’t care and started calling me names. I was very calm to the point where she pushed me to just yell and scream at her. She always thinks she’s right about everything and sees nothing wrong with the things she says and does to me. Over the years, she thought it was okay to always get me to do things for her and for her to bully me sometimes. After I yelled at her, she provoked the fight and started to hit me first. I did not want to fight her. I only wanted to talk it out. My mom broke us up. Sometimes I think that they are more on each others side, especially since I’ve been away from college all these years. I wish I was back in my own place. I feel so lost. I left the house. To clear my mind. There was only one trusted person I could think of to call about this. I feel so alone sometimes that if I wasn’t living, they wouldn’t care. After the fight my mom acted like it never happened and was on the phone with a friend. I’m confused as to why she wanted to fight. I feel like she wanted to do that to make her feel better. Because afterwards she was silent and acted like it never even happened, like she felt satisfied for getting that off her chest. I’ll never forgive her for that.

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The money you are "saving" is simply costing your mother extra expenses. For what? To breakup ridiculous fights between 2 grown women acting like children? Fights take 2 people so stop feeling sorry for yourself. Feel sorry for your mother who has to not only support 2 grown women but referee their catfights.

 

It would be best to get as many jobs, side jobs, etc as you can. Also find a house share,roommate etc. Significantly cut down on luxury spending, cheaper phone, tv, clothes, etc. You need to learn to budget and to manage money on your own. This has to happen sooner or later. Start now.

I returned home to save money. she pushed me to just yell and scream at her. My mom broke us up.
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Continue saving your money so you can move out and become financially independent. Then you have more power to enforce strong, healthy boundaries with your sister and mother.

 

I understand about never forgiving and forgetting. I'm the same way with certain people in my midst.

 

Have your vision and goals for your future. In the meantime, keep the peace as much as you can while the three of you reside under one roof. Don't yell since you know your sister's triggers and volatile temperament and keep calm. Be civil toward both your sister and mother.

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It really comes down to what's more important to you, your sanity and peace of mind or money? Sometimes, the money you are saving up just isn't worth it. So, yes, consider that finding a room to rent, living with roommates to save might be a much better option than living with this tension with your family.

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Do you share a room with your sister? Why is she living with your mom too? Both past college age?

 

Short term: carve out space that is farther away from her.

Middle term: Assess your finances and do what you can to get enough money for rent (including deposits)

Longer term: Move out to your own place. If it is with room mates, beware, the kind of thing you had with your sister can happen again if you are not mature bout things.

Long term: You live your own life free of hassles imposed on you by relatives.

 

Overarching "thing". Neither you nor your sister are doing right by your mom fighting as if you are 8 years old. And she is not doing you any favors by extending your childhood.

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Do you pay your mom any rent at all? What is the timeframe for your ability to move out? If you have to be there for now, just go there to sleep, and the rest of the time hang out at the library, start a new hobby, go to a gym, do volunteer work, work temporary part time somewhere, etc.

 

If you do pay rent, check out other arrangements where people rent out a room in their house, or mother-in-law suites, if it's the same price.

 

If you don't feel close to your family, that's a common occurrence. People like this sometimes create their own "family" throughout life. Two sayings fit well here: You can choose your friends but not your family. And: You can't go home again.

 

Good luck.

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Do you pay your mom any rent at all? What is the timeframe for your ability to move out? If you have to be there for now, just go there to sleep, and the rest of the time hang out at the library, start a new hobby, go to a gym, do volunteer work, work temporary part time somewhere, etc.

 

If you do pay rent, check out other arrangements where people rent out a room in their house, or mother-in-law suites, if it's the same price.

 

If you don't feel close to your family, that's a common occurrence. People like this sometimes create their own "family" throughout life. Two sayings fit well here: You can choose your friends but not your family. And: You can't go home again.

 

Good luck.

 

 

 

Thank you for your reply

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Good point. Stay out of the line of fire. Look for jobs, housing, etc everyday. Be out at work clubs, groups, gyms, etc. Your focus if you want independence from this must be making money, budgeting money and getting a place.

 

If you were busy with this, you wouldn't have time to be drawn back into the family dynamic with sibling rivalry and squabbling.

If you have to be there for now, just go there to sleep, and the rest of the time hang out at the library, start a new hobby, go to a gym, do volunteer work, work temporary part time somewhere, etc.

 

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I have my own room. I agree, I do believe fighting is not the answer. She initiated it. But okay

 

We all were not there, but as hard as it can be in the moment, you always have the option of walking away. To leave the premises, to not engage.

 

Even as your emotions cry out to you to defend yourself or to fight back.

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I have my own room. I agree, I do believe fighting is not the answer. She initiated it. But okay

 

 

Even though your sister (or other people) initiate fights and arguments, it's your job to diffuse it and keep a peaceful atmosphere. You can't control others. All you can do is control yourself and prevent any argument from escalating out of control.

 

If you know people's triggers whether it's yelling or something else, don't do it. If people are belligerent, don't engage and learn to walk away. Remain civil and peaceful while you make plans to save your money, become financially independent and move out someday.

 

You are the one who has to show class, be the bigger person and take the high road. This is how relationships are whether family, friends, colleagues or society in general.

 

Even though other people don't exercise self-control, it's your job to exercise your own self-control, impulse-control, self-discipline never allow your emotions to cloud your better judgment during the heat of an argument. Have composure, keep your cool and it you're not sure what to say, err on the side of caution and be quiet.

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Since being angry harms your own stomach lining, I'd consider all the ways in which working myself away from that would be in my own best self interest. Harming yourself doesn't 'punish' anyone but you, so holding onto anger doesn't help you in any way, and it won't resolve anything with your family. You need a clear head for that.

 

I'd consider why your Mom is stepping out of this, and I'd assume the adult responsibility that she's crediting you for to handle your own relationship with sister on your own.

 

That leaves sister. You can't change anything about her, but you can adopt a more helpful perspective by viewing her through a different lens rather than your habitual one. To do this, I'd consider any possible ways that sister might be jealous of you. You mention that you were away at school. Did sister graduate college? Are there circumstances that have caused her misery during the time that you were off living a life that she may envy?

 

If you can slant your lens to see sister through the generosity of spirit that affords you some compassion from her, you might find it easier to tolerate her. This doesn't mean you need to forgive her to the degree that you pal up and take her to lunch, although that might be a place to start. I'm a big believer in bribery and other forms of negotiation to get what I want from loved ones, because it offers something of value to them in exchange for it.

 

I'd consider changing my lens to feed my own head some peace rather than stew in my perceptions of insult. I'd make it my goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this and minimize it while I need to live there, even while my goal is to move out.

 

Head high, you can do this by yourself--you don't need sister to become who you want her to be. See her as less fortunate, and learn what this view can contribute to your own well being.

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