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I have had it!


Userzz19800

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I have been with my on and off husband for over 25 years. We have three grown children together. When I meet him he loved to drink a lot. I thought well he's young it will pass. I didnt think that it would turn into a major problem. We lived with his parents until my youngest twins were about 1 year. I had to get my kids out of there. There was too much drinking and drunkenness in that house. Of course I let him move in with me. Ever since we have been together and until this day he moves out to his parents house. Before he would find any little excuse to leave so he can have that one drink since I won't allow it in my home. My kids have seen so much, from seeing him laying on the ground throwing up and swimming in his vomit. That's when he was in his 20s. He has been in and out of jail for dwi. I have given him so many chances. We have tried marriage counseling at our church, that failed. We have been attending church regularly and he has stayed in the church mens group to help him with his drinking. He does very good when he lives with me but as soon as he goes to visit his parents for a couple hours, he is all drunk. I kick him out he moves back into his parents. I have been going through this for years. My kids are tired of him. The reason why I continue with him is probably stupid. I feel sorry for him, he knows how to manipulate me. In a way I love him but I'm not madly in love with him. He does have a good side to him. That's the person that I like being around. He makes me laugh and we joke around alot. We have a lot of history together but most of it is bad. He tells me that he was taught at the mens group that we should not look at the past but look into the future. It's very hard for me not to since he keeps doing what he did in the past. Maybe not as bad as he used to, but he always moves out at least once every two months he lives with his parents for about a week. When he starts missing me and has had enough he wants to come back home. Me an idiot believe everything he says about him not going to leave me again. I let him come back home. I know I need some help as well. I need to learn to finally let him go once and for all. I want to live at peace and free. He also says that in the bible God dosent like divorce unless its adultry. So when he puts that out there, I'm lost for words. He says that we have to keep working on our marriage. Well damn how many mistakes it it gonna take for him to realize that enough is enough. If anyone out there can give me some advice I'd really appreciate it.

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Hi, I'm sorry you've endured this behavior. If he needs his drink that bad he very well could be an alcoholic, and as we all know that is not something he can deal with on his own. Him drinking himself into a drunken state and being around his children shows his sense of judgement is severely out of whack, not to mention grossly inconsiderate towards you. As far as him having the audacity to make a reference from the bible unless adultry has been committed, he should consider getting some professional help for his disorder. God only helps those who help themselves. I'm not a bible expert but, I do believe he may be bordering on one of the seven deadly sins. If you let someone like this around your children, you may be as guilty as he would be posing a danger to them.

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I'd suggest therapy and Al Anon , as you are dealing with alcoholism.

I'm not here to criticize your faith , but other than social support, church can not provide the tools needed here. And the input can even be harmful, as the aim is often to keep marriages together as per the tenets of the faith. Your husband is trying to use the church to continue his addiction and to justify you enabling him. Alcoholism isn't a spiritual issue, it is an addiction issue. It's a medical issue.

 

Therapy and Al Anon, to help you understand this addiction for what it truly is and to understand you can only control you and your choices.

 

Speaking as someone who grew up around some alcoholism and didn't call soda anything but " mixer " until I was older. I thought that was all it was for.

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Get divorced asap. You need a ferocious lawyer not more bible babble from him. . Either way ask him to leave the residence Permanently before your kids get taken away. You need to take action and stop doing this to your kids.

 

You should not allow your kids around drunks. Get real and practical advice to extricate your innocent children from this unstable hell. Stop going to his church groups that allow child endangerment and abusive drinking and destroying children lives.

 

Stop making excuses and take better care of your children. Make sure he pays child support for them. If he doesn't pay they will garnish his wages and suspend his license.. Make sure if he file for visitation that you insist on supervised visitation. With his criminal history and substance abuse arrests that should be easy.

I have been with my on and off husband.

I let him move in with me. He has been in and out of jail for dwi.

I kick him out he moves back into his parents.

He also says that in the bible God dosent like divorce unless its adultry.

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He is addicted to the bottle, you are addicted to the idea that you will save him. You want him to put down the bottle, but yet here you are unable to put down your own pipe.....and you keep sucking on it hard. You aren't stupid and he isn't manipulating you. After 25 years, you know everything you need to know about this situation, as in you are fully informed on how this dance plays out over and over and over.....yet you keep on with this.

 

If you really want out, then put down the pipe cold turkey. March yourself into a lawyer's office and file for divorce today and follow through. Kick him out and never talk to him again except through the lawyers. You want to be free? You can free yourself any time you want, but you do have to genuinely want to kick your addiction to this drama for good. At this point, you don't need more talking or al anon, you need a good dose of gtfo of this situation and legal help to get you there. Anything less is just you continuing to suck on your own pipe of addiction.

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My kids are 18 years old now, so they dont really have a close relationship with him. My daughter who is 21 also has no close relationship with him as well. They say he is a hipacrit for talking about scriptures in the bible but yet he dont follow it. He has proven no change their whole lives. I'm the one who thinks there is still some hope. I thought well getting into church things will get better. It has some what. He dosent drink or act stupid. But once he has that little chance for himself, all hell breaks lose. He dosent have control over his dumb decisions. He cant keep a job for no longer than 4 months. I dont understand why he keeps putting us through this for so long. He is 41 years old, how long does it have to take?

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My kids are 18 years old now, so they dont really have a close relationship with him. My daughter who is 21 also has no close relationship with him as well. They say he is a hipacrit for talking about scriptures in the bible but yet he dont follow it. He has proven no change their whole lives. I'm the one who thinks there is still some hope. I thought well getting into church things will get better. It has some what. He dosent drink or act stupid. But once he has that little chance for himself, all hell breaks lose. He dosent have control over his dumb decisions. He cant keep a job for no longer than 4 months. I dont understand why he keeps putting us through this for so long. He is 41 years old, how long does it have to take?

 

It seems you don’t have control over your decisions either?

You claim that he hasn’t proven change , but neither have you?

He doesn’t keep putting you through this , you are accepting him time and time again for the person he is , so it’s you putting yourself through this.

Accept him as he is or don’t.

He has no desire to change. The question is do you desire change ?

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Your kids sound pretty great, pretty smart, in that they see and appreciate their father for exactly who he is: a troubled man who has a provided them with a solid model of how not to be as a grownup. I've got such a father—not ideal, but we don't always get dealt the best cards, and have to learn to play with what we've got.

 

Difference between your kids and you? While they can't choose who their father is, you can choose who you are married to, and stay married to. Right now, as DancingFool summarized, you are choosing to stay in the savior role, to remain as hooked on the idea that he will change as he is hooked on the bottle. That can go on, forever, to the detriment of your health.

 

In other words, if you want to see how hard it is for someone to stop engaging in unhealthy and destructive behavior, even into their 40s, you can look in the mirror. That's not judgement, at all, but an attempt to get you to see the part of this that you do have control over: yourself, not him. As long as you see this story as something he is doing to you, you will stay in it. If you see it as a story that you are also actively choosing, you can change it.

 

My father has a drinking problem. Was bad at 25, remains bad at 60something. My mom left him, and he found another woman to enable him. Point being, 41 is just a number, and people are just who they are. The questions for you to ask right now is now who he is, and when he will change, but who do you want to be? You have a lot more life to live. If you want to it to look and feel different than it's been, you have to make different choices yourself rather than wait for him to do so.

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You need to go to alanon which is a support group for the loved one's of alcoholics. They will teach you how you enable his drinking by taking him back, they will teach you that "feeling sorry for him" is about your own short comingings and it's selfish to give into that 'guilt.'

 

You and your children should start going. They could go to Alateen or to alanon. At alateen they may meet folks closer to their own age who can relate to what they have had to endure while growing up.

 

Enough of your enabling. Go to alanon and hopefully with their support you'll realize your own codependency and get the courage to change yourself so you stop the merry go round, divorce him and let him either sink or swim. He'll never stop until he goes to a support group for alcoholics and he is allowed to hit his rock bottom. When you take him back, you are not letting him hit his rock bottom.

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