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Starting to resent my fiance of two years


Jillyanrose

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Can someone help me figure out if this is normal....I have been engaged for two years and with my partner for four years. We live together and in starting to feel as though I am super under appreciated and ignored. I do alot for the household, cleaning, laundry, cooking, taking care of the dog, and I work a full time job. My fiance also works as a school teacher but when she comes home she will take the dog out for five minutes (we have an energetic dog who needs atleast an hour of exercise per day) and then sit down on the couch and watch TV or play on her phone or even fall asleep for a nap until 7pm. I work until 630pm most nights and am still expected to come home walk the dog, make dinner, clean, make sure the laundry is done (since we don't have a washer and dryer in our apartment). I understand being a teacher is alot of stress and difficult but I feel like I shouldn't have to be taking on alot of the household responsibility. Does anyone else agree? Every night we sit and watch out TV show together and then entire time she is texting or on Facebook or Instagram, like get off that we are suppose to have quality time together but she considers us running around to three different stores together quality time. And I ask her to come for walks with me and the dog and she always turns me down. She also never offers to take him outside in the morning or at night and it's always my responsibility. Am I being crazy about all of this? She says she is allowed to be on her phone and she's allowed to relax and I get that but aren't I allowed to relax too? Help!!!!

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Have you talked to her, calmly, about these concerns? That’s generally a good place to start, and a good thing to be able to do with someone you’re going to spend your life with. Resentment, after all, is what happens when we choose to not address things that are bothering us while hoping they will magically go away.

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I have spoken with her about it and her response is always that she puts relaxing before anything else and she deserves to relax
This kind of attitude is not the response of a person that is mature enough on several levels to be in a marriage....

 

Its cringe worthy to think she deserves to relax, but what? you don't?

 

I'd seriously think about this before making it permanent... If her response to your issues are to defend herself without listening or being honest about the situation in a way that shows compromise, I'd be out.

 

And if you are neat and like order and she doesn't, coupled with this, that could be highlighting the fact that you are not compatible.

 

I don't think people need to perfectly compatible to work. But one must decide for themselves if something is a deal breaker or not.

 

The resentment is telling you something... her response, while fuel to the fire, is also telling you something....

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Can I ask how old you two are? And how long you’ve lived together? Just trying to get some context in understanding how long this has been an issue—like, for instance, if it started with moving in.

 

Your frustration is more than understandable. Unfortunately, it’s not internet strangers you need to understand that, but your fiancé. Have you tried framing it all in the context of splitting chores so (a) you both can relax; (b) you can enjoy quality time; and © you can live, together, in a sound system rather than a rocky one?

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You can make one last ditch attempt, and if she declines the reasonable offer, it means she doesn't care, so why should you remain partners?

 

I'd make a chart and designate which days each of you is responsible for dinner, alternating those days. Whoever doesn't cook does the dishes. Divvy up the other chores as well. Same with the dog, although you'll probably be the one to have to take him for longer walks, since she can't be counted on for that. And have a rule where cell phones are put away during certain time frames when you're supposed to be enjoying quality time together.

 

If that doesn't work, don't waste your time any longer. When you're frustrated regularly in a relationship, it means it's not the right one for you. And if you act like a doormat, that's what people will use you for, so learn to get a spine so you don't attract lazy users in the future.

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Unless you admit you're incompatible this will be difficult to navigate, because you are both right. You can be a drill sergeant with your cleanliness and household standards and she as well can be herself which is more relaxed, lazy and messy.

 

Stop doing everything, then resenting her for not being like you. Get a housekeeper and get take out. The strife being created by differing lifestyles needs to be bridged and not just your way, the "right way". Stop and reflect why theses annoyances are getting to you this much.

I can't take a messy house. And what am I suppose to do not make dinner ?
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Make sure you're on the same page regarding equitable household duties otherwise this problem won't go away nor change after you get married. She'll still be a slob, neglect the home, the dog, chores, errands and continue to dump all household responsibilities onto you. Beware. :eek:

 

Be with a person who is evenly yoked with you regarding your lifestyle and cooperation otherwise your resentment and bitterness will only grow and increase. :upset:

 

If there's no coordinated effort in lock step as a team, relationships are doomed for failure.

 

My husband and I prefer a neat, clean, orderly, organized household and life. There's no way we could be compatible if we were polar opposites regarding personality, character and personal lifestyle habits.

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First of all, too many things are going on. You want simplicity, reduce technology at home, make eye-contacts. If a relationship is important for both you, make it work. You both need to talk, otherwise you'll both end up giving each other silent treatment which will only lead to more negative feelings. A relationship is about 4-years long in a life time, let those 4-years be a joy in life.

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am still expected to come home walk the dog, make dinner, clean, make sure the laundry is done (since we don't have a washer and dryer in our apartment).

 

Who's expectations are these?

 

Decide how you'd choose to live if you were on your own, and live that way. If that means neglecting her laundry and dropping anything of hers that's in your way while cleaning into an agreed 'retrieval box' in her closet, then do that.

 

Coupledom doesn't require another to live up to our standards of clean. We can exercise our own pet if we decide to have one, even while thanking partner for taking the pet to relieve itself before we get home. We can negotiate certain things we want from partner by offering an equal exchange of something of value to her or him, but we can't 'expect' that they will operate as we would without creating our own resentment.

 

Negotiation of equal value is the way successful couples operate. You can make it fun, and talk to partner about exchanging 'bribe lists' of items or behaviors we can use as incentive for getting back the things we value at any given time.

 

Check your expectations--she is not you.

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If a tidy home is that important to you, and she resists contributing to it equally, it sounds as though there's a serious issue about compatibility here.

 

This won't go away, and the resentment will continue to build. This is not a good basis for a relationship. It's very important to accept people just the way they are - by which I mean, recognise that that is the way they operate, not that you tolerate habits which are intolerable to you. She has been showing you for ages who she is and how she works. Can you accept that, and not want to change her in any way? It doesn't sound like it, and I don't blame you. But you also need to understand that she is not going to change.

 

The decision you need to make is whether your feelings are strong enough to cope with her untidiness as part of the package, or whether you'll grow to resent her so badly that it destroys your feelings. Anger, especially unexpressed anger, will get in the way of love. If you were to live separately, would it help?

 

I had a long term relationship where I realised early on that we could never live together because we'd live in a pigsty unless I constantly cleared up after him. After we'd split up, his place started to resemble the sort of pics you get if you Google 'filthy houses', which really confirmed that my decision was the right one. We were together for 8+ years - but not under the same roof.

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