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Hello everyone,

 

I will try to make this brief. I am a 30-year-old guy from the UK. I have always suffered a certain amount of self-loathing and generally have a negative outlook on life. This has affected me in one form or another throughout life.

 

My self-loathing and general negative outlook has so far cost me two relationships, the most recent three a week ago. I'm gutted!

 

I will give a bit of background but I, ll keep it short ( I know how annoying long posts are!).

 

So basically as a child I never knew my father, His entire side of the family I don't know anything about. I know I have a Father, Uncle, an Aunt and Cousins out there somewhere but they don't want to know me. I have no idea why.

 

The only family I have is my mother and her parents (Grandmother and Grandad)

 

Growing up my Mother met her partner and we moved into his house. He never liked me, never spoke to me and never did/has done anything for me. The funny thing was my mum would always choose him over me and I felt unloved and unwanted. They would go off on holiday all the time and leave me home alone. I have no siblings and so had to entertain myself.

 

Now my first GF and I broke up due to my insecurities, She said she couldn't handle the negativities and we broke up (My fault) I respected that.

 

18 months later I met my second GF of two years. I said to myself that I will be different, a more positive person. For the first 18 months, things were fantastic and I was so happy. Then She started feeling down and depressed. Her dog died, her dad made contact with her after 27 years of her not knowing who he was (Just like me!). She stopped being affectionate and loving. So I went to my old negative ways, You don't love me etc etc. She broke up due to my actions. I know I should have been there for her, but my selfish actions took over. again I respect her decision and won't harass her over it.

 

I don't have an awful lot of Friends. This is partly because when I was at school. I had to be straight home from school, No one was allowed in his house (My mum's partners house) and I wasn't allowed a key. They would often go out leaving me alone, and basically, I couldn't leave the house as I wouldn't be able to get back in, plus my mum didn't let me out anyway.

 

I wanted to join the Army at 16, went off for my interview, passed etc and worked on my fitness. I was put down instantly saying I was stupid, unfit and I can't do it. So I pulled out in the end. When I used to put my mind to something at school, I was again told I was stupid and would amount to nothing. I let this get to me and left school with nothing.

 

I now drive an HGV (It's all I can do with no skills). which isn't the best.I'm alone all day and lack any interaction. It's starting to get me down.

 

is this going to be my life forever? I have dreams about the future, how I am going to end up very lonely and with nobody. At the age of 30, Single with no skills and not a particularly good job, what hope do I have?

 

I know people will say go out and do something, go to college etc but I have such negative thoughts in general that I can't shift. whilst I think this way nothing will ever change

 

(I posted this in the wrong place but I can't seem to delete this post)

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Posted this in your original thread so putting it here instead.

 

No its not going to be your life forever and the good news is that at only 30 years old you have plenty of time to turn your life around!

 

Firstly I would see a therapist. You have a lot of issues and childhood trauma to unload. These are the root causes of your problems.

 

If you can afford it go private. It's about 40quid an hour. I had too as I think if you go to the NHS they will put you on a waiting list and it takes a long time to get NHS therapists. HGV drivers make OK money and with no kids etc I'd strive to go private and get stuck in.

 

Aside from that there's no easy answer. Try and maintain some social life even if you only have a few friends. Take up a new hobby. Sign for a local footy team etc.

 

Slowly but surely get yourself out there. Don't look for a new relationship for at least 6 months. That isn't important now. Getting your head right is.

 

Just focus on you for now is all I can say.

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Yes definitely therapy is a good idea! Are you doing counselling? Do you also suffer from depression or any other issues? If so then you would need to get it treated. I don't mean to sound harsh as I have a huge amount of sympathy for your difficult childhood and the traumas you faced. No doubt that affects a person very deeply and it's shaped you as an adult.

 

However, at the age of thirty you are no longer a child who is dependent on your parents. You can live your own life now and you do have a choice of whether you want to be a victim of your past, or you want to break free. I love the quote "no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent" by Elesnor Roosevelt. I'm surprised to hear you were made to feel like you're stupid at school and other places. Are you sure it was other people making you feel stupid, or YOU yourself felt you were stupid? I think a negative mindset can mean that you're trapped in a vicious cycle and you think people are thinking bad things about you because YOU think them.

 

Obviously you are a good person because you had a girlfriend for two years and she was happy to be with you all that time. Just because a relationship doesn't work out doesn't mean it was all your fault. She had her own things going on too.

 

If you want a better life then you must create it yourself unfortunately. If you want to further qualifications then you can go to university, community college or do some unofficial courses even just to further your skills. Or try to get experience by doing volunteer work.

 

If you always just think of yourself as a victim of your past then you'll be stuck and you won't have the life you really want.

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,

Yes definitely therapy is a good idea! Are you doing counselling? Do you also suffer from depression or any other issues? If so then you would need to get it treated. I don't mean to sound harsh as I have a huge amount of sympathy for your difficult childhood and the traumas you faced. No doubt that affects a person very deeply and it's shaped you as an adult.

 

However, at the age of thirty you are no longer a child who is dependent on your parents. You can live your own life now and you do have a choice of whether you want to be a victim of your past, or you want to break free. I love the quote "no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent" by Elesnor Roosevelt. I'm surprised to hear you were made to feel like you're stupid at school and other places. Are you sure it was other people making you feel stupid, or YOU yourself felt you were stupid? I think a negative mindset can mean that you're trapped in a vicious cycle and you think people are thinking bad things about you because YOU think them.

 

Obviously, you are a good person because you had a girlfriend for two years and she was happy to be with you all that time. Just because a relationship doesn't work out doesn't mean it was all your fault. She had her own things going on too.

 

If you want a better life then you must create it yourself unfortunately. If you want to further qualifications then you can go to university, community college or do some unofficial courses even just to further your skills. Or try to get experience by doing volunteer work.

 

If you always just think of yourself as a victim of your past then you'll be stuck and you won't have the life you really want.

 

 

Hi,

 

Thank you for your kind reply.

 

I have been thinking a lot recently and I have decided to go for therapy via the private route. It's £40 an hour but I think it will help me. I must have been told by 15+ people that I should do therapy as it will help.

 

I remember doing homework at home as a child. I remember being told by my mother that I'm (Stupid like her), and generally being put down at everything I wanted to do. I think she had a traumatic upbringing too ( There was an incident of her finding out at 18 that her dad wasn't her dad). so she has negative feelings too ( We don't get along now ).

 

As a result, she has a different second name to her biological father. I took my mothers name at birth due to an absent father so I too have a second name that is different to the rest of the family (Aka my mum should have been named after her biological father, I would then have had my granddad's second name instead of some randomer)

 

(I found all this out by doing my ancestry tree)

 

I did sign up to a gym 2 weeks ago. It's a personal trainer to motivate me. I still need to force myself to go, but once I go I'm glad I went. I am even starting to see the results.

 

I also went to see about some volunteer work yesterday. I am awaiting a callback. Its restoring old victorian train cartridges and looks really rewarding work. working as a team etc so gives me the chance to meet people and gain some new DIY/ Restoration skills.

 

I just wish my Ex GF was here so I could share all this with her. But as I said, she has her own issues and wanted to break up. I respect that decision and wish her well.

 

I would say I'm popular at work, everyone talks to me and we have a good chat. Most are a lot older than me and married with kids so have their own lives to lead.

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,

I have been thinking a lot recently and I have decided to go for therapy via the private route. It's £40 an hour but I think it will help me. I must have been told by 15+ people that I should do therapy as it will help.

 

 

Best £40 an hour you will ever spend mate.

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The train restoration sounds amazing! I am a little jealous.

 

And therapy is an excellent decision. I think you will get a lot out of it.

 

 

Best £40 an hour you will ever spend mate.

 

Thank you both guys. :D

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I am sorry for what you went through. That is painful. Hopefully the counseling can help you dissociate your life from the past and these people. In the meantime you can have a different life by appreciating little things around you. For example, you said your job isn’t the best. Right. But, you have a job, and income. Many people do not. Being grateful for that job can make a huge difference. Then, food, place to stay, money to spend, even if you don’t have much. Lowering your expectations and just enjoying simple things like a cup of coffee, savoring it in at the moment, it does make life better. Try not to compare yourself with others. Just be happy even if you are alone because if you are not, no woman can ever make you happy. You need to have it within you first. And once you do, people will naturally want to be around you. Just a thought. Good day.

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A job is a job, even an awful job can be enjoyed with the right mind and attitude. Your life was given to you for free, nothing else is free, you have to work for it and most of all the work goes into a relationship and that's where all the problems begins because you have not been taught how to do this job - we are not taught but it is a process where we have to try and learn from. Otherwise, current situation can never improve. Before you can do anything, work on yourself, make this life about you now. If you were the last person on this Earth, what would you do?

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Hi,

 

No that is very true, I have known this for a while. I do have a semi decent income and I can afford most things. I wouldn't say I struggle financially or anything like that. As you say it's better to have a job than not have one.

 

When I'm in the city centre and I look around, I notice homeless people and people living on the streets. I do think how awful it must be for them. I offer them food /water etc. I do appreciate the fact that I have a house, a job, a car, food etc.

 

I also, usually purchase a bit of extra food when shopping and leave it in the food donation bins.

 

Good day to you too 🙂

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Hi,

 

No that is very true, I have known this for a while. I do have a semi decent income and I can afford most things. I wouldn't say I struggle financially or anything like that. As you say it's better to have a job than not have one.

 

When I'm in the city centre and I look around, I notice homeless people and people living on the streets. I do think how awful it must be for them. I offer them food /water etc. I do appreciate the fact that I have a house, a job, a car, food etc.

 

I also, usually purchase a bit of extra food when shopping and leave it in the food donation bins.

 

Good day to you too 🙂

 

In other words, you have more than an average person, BUT you don't perceive it that way and unfortunately.....perception = reality. It may be a warped version of it, but it is your reality and very real to you.

 

Fortunately, you are fully aware that this isn't working for you so you have a very good chance of fixing yourself. At the end of the day all it takes is willpower, perseverance, and deep desire for change. I really hope you seek the professional guidance that you need for this. Wishing you well on your journey. Just be warned that not every therapist, not every approach will work for you. There are many roads to Rome so to speak and you need to find the one that works for you. So please, do persevere and do not quit if you should find that the first or second or even third approach doesn't work. Keep going until you get results. This is probably the one thing you need to wrap your mind around - when things don't go your way instantly, keep going until you find what works. Quitting is easy, success takes a lot of work.

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