Jump to content

I feel like I've pulled the lever on the sh!+ show


jul-els
 Share

Recommended Posts

Good morning. So many thoughts today, just thought I'd rant, so either turn away now or allow me to thank you for your indulgence, lol. I ended a two year relationship about 2 & 1/2 months ago and I feel like since that happened there has been a chain of unfortunate events that just keep hitting me.

 

First one was my job cut my hours the week following the breakup. I was still very fresh from the split and my emotions were running high. Just to be called into the HR office to be told they were streamlining because of some big accounts that were recently lost or put on hold and as a result they would be reducing my hours. It could have been worse. Two people were laid off (but two more have since been hired back on) and the hours I lost were all overtime, so I'm still a full time employee with benefits, so that's a plus.

 

Then about two and a half weeks ago my mother fell and broke her hip. I've been visiting her twice a day everyday and seemed to be doing okay until a couple days ago when she started developing severe breathing difficulties. She is still in a skilled nursing facility and the initial prognosis was that she'd be there 3 to 4 weeks. She's 83 and her breathing problems are chronic and she has struggled with them for many years now. But since she's been unable to get out of bed I think it is exacerbating her problem.

 

The SNF is going to call me today with a status on her condition and what the current prognosis is. She also has an infection on her breast that they wanted to treat and she has refused treatment. She is also refusing treatment for her breathing difficulty. I think her unwillingness to accept treatment is going to cause her to be released from the SNF, which would be very unfortunate. I'm going to try and talk some sense into her on my visit today after I finish the phone call with her case worker.

 

I also had a cruise that I booked almost a year ago on the Seine river going from Paris to Normandy. That's obviously called off now. But the cruise line is refunding my money I found out today, so that's a silver lining, I suppose.

 

Which brings me to all this coronavirus crap that's got everyone running around like scared little monkeys. I understand why people are reacting this way, but I don't think it's the correct reaction. Yes, it's a time for vigilance and caution. But not one for fear and worry and the reaction of the general public seems to be the latter as evidenced by the store shelves in my neighborhood.

 

I mean, life is a zero sum game. You're born, you live, you die. Everyone gets the same exact deal, no exceptions. The only thing that actually matters is what you do while you're still breathing and then once that ends not even that matters anymore. History is full of literally billions of people that no one knows ever existed. But our egos tell us that somehow our individual lives are more important than everyone else who's been here before us as well as all of those who will be here after us and that we don't deserve to die. Well, deserve it or not, you're going to. So be happy and spread love while you have the chance, because that's all there really is to life. That or misery and despair. Your choice.

 

I guess it's a bit easier for me to have this fleet footed view of the big picture in life because I have really no worldly attachments. They've simply never interested me. I have no kids, no debt and at the moment no significant other. So if I disappear, no one's going to be the worse for it. Except for maybe myself and I'll get over it, lol.

 

So. Alrighty then. I guess that just about spills it all. If you've read this far you're a trooper, I appreciate your tenacity as well as your interest and as Bartles (or was it Jaymes?) used to say, I thank you for your support.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for posting this. I hope things turn out well on all fronts for you. What you expressed about feeling like the world is going crazy around you and of course it all converges is sometimes how many feel but you've articulated this so well. The stores here look like someone announced a meteor is about to hit Earth.

 

It feels like this: That cloud just hangs there. For me days like this are usually topped off with some bad weather, a car issue, internet issue and someone being randomly rude in a store. I guess if my phone fell in the toilet on those days that would be the cherry on the cake.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Perhaps your mom has the same fatalistic attitude - you are born, you live, you die and the latter is inevitable. So she'd rather live as she chooses than be tied to tubes to extend every moment of existence? Her idea of quality over quantity? Food for thought.

 

You say fatalistic, I say realistic. We've all got our viewpoints, none are more valid than the other. As to my mother's viewpoint, who knows? Her choices are her own and I can't read her mind. It's her life to do with as she sees fit. But I do have to deal with whatever events will unfold.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Feeling you, friend.

 

Subtract coronavirus from the above, and you are in one of those unfortunate moments that life has a way of delivering, when one sour domino leads to a little click, click, click of more falling. All I've got to say to the specifics is: hugs, fist bumps. Yeah, you are just one speck of billions of human dust particles that have called this world home over space and time, but you are a singular speck, which is to say everything you're going through, and feeling, is important. And hard. And human. Hang in there.

 

As for corona? It is...well, it is a bit tough to process, I agree. My lady and I stocked up on some basics a week or so back in a non-alarmist state. Went to the grocery store yesterday for yogurt and could hardly navigate the crowds—a good portion of which, best I could tell, were people wanting to update their social media feeds with photos of empty shelves more than they wanted, I don't know, the rigatoni that no longer existed.

 

Strange. But so it goes. Fear and panic are deep comforts for a large subset of humans, is how I see it: it's the place they go, mentally, to feel secure. Not quite how I operate, but, then again, I opted to spend a few hours yesterday in the Pacific Ocean in the rain, which plenty would see as a dubious choice. Whatever you need to get through the day, as the saying goes.

 

Still not sure why no one went for the pappardelle, though, as it's a great noodle. So that's what we're cooking tonight, with a few extra bags for the top shelves—because, hey, who really knows anything?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for posting this. I hope things turn out well on all fronts for you. What you expressed about feeling like the world is going crazy around you and of course it all converges is sometimes how many feel but you've articulated this so well. The stores here look like someone announced a meteor is about to hit Earth.

 

It feels like this: That cloud just hangs there. For me days like this are usually topped off with some bad weather, a car issue, internet issue and someone being randomly rude in a store. I guess if my phone fell in the toilet on those days that would be the cherry on the cake.

 

Lol. Yes, it could always get worse and I can't forget to count my blessings. But it has rained here both yesterday and today, lol.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Feeling you, friend.

 

Subtract coronavirus from the above, and you are in one of those unfortunate moments that life has a way of delivering, when one sour domino leads to a little click, click, click of more falling. All I've got to say to the specifics is: hugs, fist bumps. Yeah, you are just one speck of billions of human dust particles that have called this world home over space and time, but you are a singular speck, which is to say everything you're going through, and feeling, is important. And hard. And human. Hang in there.

 

As for corona? It is...well, it is a bit tough to process, I agree. My lady and I stocked up on some basics a week or so back in a non-alarmist state. Went to the grocery store yesterday for yogurt and could hardly navigate the crowds—a good portion of which, best I could tell, were people wanting to update their social media feeds with photos of empty shelves more than they wanted, I don't know, the rigatoni that no longer existed.

 

Strange. But so it goes. Fear and panic are deep comforts for a large subset of humans, is how I see it: it's the place they go, mentally, to feel secure. Not quite how I operate, but, then again, I opted to spend a few hours yesterday in the Pacific Ocean in the rain, which plenty would see as a dubious choice. Whatever you need to get through the day, as the saying goes.

 

Still not sure why no one went for the pappardelle, though, as it's a great noodle. So that's what we're cooking tonight, with a few extra bags for the top shelves—because, hey, who really knows anything?

 

Life is full of beauty and love. It's up to us to soak it in. Or not. I for one will always choose the former.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

its funny Jul-els, reading your post, I can relate. A while back, I feeling very much the same.. you live, you poop, you die... what difference does it make. And like you, I don't think I was being cynical about it. Just "keeping it real" as the kids say. Actually I'm not sure the kids today still say that. [emoji4]

 

But that was right about the time I started a spiritual awakening, that seemingly just happened, as a result of my need to find a way to control my thoughts during, an equally tough time, as you describe.

 

Except for the corona virus....

 

That. wow. I'm not sure what's gonna happen but arent the doomsday people feeling pretty smug right now.[emoji4] I did not make a run on the store, but as blue said, who knows... so I did get a few extra staples for the freezer... just in case.

 

Anyway, know, I would not change what I went through. learning and practicing meditation started me on a path I would not have found otherwise. And I am all the better for it... I'm a totally different person than I was.

 

I know you were just venting, but I wanted to share & i think this is all a very good sign, things are looking up!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m sorry about your mom. I’ve noticed the older our parents get the more stubborn but maybe it’s because why be in a hospital bed when you can enjoy life while you still have it.

 

As for Corona I feel like there’s too much hype over it. People really need to calm down! How many bags of toilet paper do you need?!

 

I really like how you mention not one life is more important then the others. That statement is very true.

 

You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.

 

Love will find you again.

 

Sending many thoughts to you and your mom during her recovery.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Early 2019 was like that for me. I really felt pushed to my limit. It was the only time in my life that I seriously considered checking myself into some sort of retreat. You know those ones you see in the magazines, yoga, meditation and such. I was feeling a little desperate.

 

Life is just weird that way. One thing I know for sure, it forces you to appreciate things when the storm passes.

Life is very valuable. Never so much as it is now in my life. Then we just wait for the next wave to come and learn from experience that we have what it takes.

 

When my mother was being `non compliant' she would say, `I've lived a good life' while laying in the rehab center. We had long talks and she'd list all the friends and family that had already passed. I tried to see it from her point of view. She just didn't have it in her to fight. She'd flip back and forth with being resigned with everything, to being afraid and regretful. Uhhgg. It was the hardest thing to witness and be a part of.

 

I'm one of 2 people in a satellite office today who drew the short straw to come in. Not really, just sounds better that way. I am in Operations and the other IT, so it would be somewhat expected. There's maybe 7 people holding down corporate office and with little or no notice we spent the entire day yesterday gearing up a staff of 200 to work from home . I figured it would be sh*t show today, but there are few bumps here and there and the staff seems to be managing nicely. IT Jacquie and I ordering in lunch, on the company's dime :)

 

This will pass. It always does. I know that's not much comfort right now . .but it you need to vent. . we are here to listen

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not speaking for jul-els here, but just joining in on a little chitchat. Been missing some of the chitchat threads on the site, so forgive me while I indulge...

 

I didn't see his attitude as fatalistic, or his tone cynical. Kind of the opposite. Accept the basic premise—we are born, we live, we die—rather than fight it, and you make room for all the beauty, and the bounty.

 

Relationships will fail, parents will get sick and stubborn, and the occasional pandemic will sweep the globe. Nothing to be dismissed or flippant about, all that, but also to be seen as parts of a whole, not the whole thing unraveling. That happens, alas, when the heart stops beating, whatever and however that occurs, as it will for all of us.

 

My personal view of mortality is as such: I never, ever want to die while being, I think, at peace with the fact that I am going to die, invariably much sooner than I'd like to, based on how I started this sentence. That peace is the fuel for what I'd describe as a pretty rich life, as I am rabid—calm and collected, but rabid—when it comes to reaching for the highest, sweetest fruit, and taking a bite.

 

That's not purely metaphoric: I've got a kumquat tree in my yard, the best ones are at the top, and to get to them I have to climb up a precarious stucco garage and reach out just to the edge of my comfort zone to snatch the ripest. Then again, who knows, maybe it's just that ritual—that reach to the edge, from the edge—that makes those ones so very sweet.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fatalistic is just a term that describes exactly that - you are born, you live, you die. We all will die and we don't control that, the only thing you do control is the quality of your life, choices, what you do while you are still breathing. It is not a negative term but if realistic sounds better, so call it realistic. Same thing - potato potahto. This has nothing to do with being cynical either. I actually very much believe this myself - when your time comes you'll be gone and that's that and you don't know when that will be, let alone control it. So do your best today because that's all you have.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There’s a saying that says, “scratch the surface of a cynic and you’ll find an idealist”. And that’s what I see myself as, a realist who nurtures idealism. While idealism is, ironically enough, not ideal, I do find that it provides me with a cushion when coming up against the sharp corners of life. A reminder that no matter what state one may be in from blissful to apathetic, there is always the potential for it to be greater. And striving to reach for that ideal, and never letting it disappear from one’s point of view is what gives life it’s richness and it’s depth. It’s a reminder of why we’re here. To learn, to love and to be happy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So from my perspective, in my world, this means that our offices are closed, all activities are cancelled and school is closed. And elderly family members far away we need to be concerned about. So "calm down" is all well and good and we are among the much much luckier -we are healthy (so far!), not in a high risk group, we can work from home, stable jobs, stable finances. And even with all that I'm feeling anxious, on edge while trying to maintain a calm front for our son. I'm far luckier than many and yes "easy for you to say, calm down" is one reaction I have to your approach to this. You're entitled of course to your life view on life and death! I wouldn't feel comfortable with that view and especially not to try to take that view with respect to my child's life and well being.

 

I'm sorry things are so stressful for you. I wish the best for your mother's recovery!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So from my perspective, in my world, this means that our offices are closed, all activities are cancelled and school is closed. And elderly family members far away we need to be concerned about. So "calm down" is all well and good and we are among the much much luckier -we are healthy (so far!), not in a high risk group, we can work from home, stable jobs, stable finances. And even with all that I'm feeling anxious, on edge while trying to maintain a calm front for our son. I'm far luckier than many and yes "easy for you to say, calm down" is one reaction I have to your approach to this. You're entitled of course to your life view on life and death! I wouldn't feel comfortable with that view and especially not to try to take that view with respect to my child's life and well being.

 

I'm sorry things are so stressful for you. I wish the best for your mother's recovery!

 

I'm on the cusp of a high risk category. I'm 52 years of age with low grade asthma. As I said, I don't have a family, so I don't have a lot to lose, but I don't think that really matters. This is affecting everyone equally. Which I think makes rational and critical thinking more imperative than it's been in quite a long time. Are people up to the task? I question that pretty seriously. It requires people to be unified, which is something they haven't been for a long time.

 

American culture is all about "me". At least that's the way I see it. A serious event like this could be the thing it takes to turn that collective mindset around. Which is kind of drastic and unfortunate, but could be seen as a possible silver lining to the whole scenario. This really is a time when people need to pull together and put differences of opinion and belief aside and work towards the greater good.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm on the cusp of a high risk category. I'm 52 years of age with low grade asthma. As I said, I don't have a family, so I don't have a lot to lose, but I don't think that really matters. This is affecting everyone equally. Which I think makes rational and critical thinking more imperative than it's been in quite a long time. Are people up to the task? I question that pretty seriously. It requires people to be unified, which is something they haven't been for a long time.

 

American culture is all about "me". At least that's the way I see it. A serious event like this could be the thing it takes to turn that collective mindset around. Which is kind of drastic and unfortunate, but could be seen as a possible silver lining to the whole scenario. This really is a time when people need to pull together and put differences of opinion and belief aside and work towards the greater good.

 

Well, here in Australia people are also being "all about me". We have pretty much all essentials gone from supermarkets too. There are massive queues everywhere. The government said we're not allowed to have non essential events of more than 500 people, so basically everything has been cancelled. I'm also starting to feel unwell with a sore throat and cough and feeling very cold...So I might lay low for a bit in case it's corona. One good thing is I'm a huge hoarder and shopaholic. So I actually already hoarded basically everything because I kept buying everything on sale (though I didn't need it). So now I have large supplies of toilet paper, hand wash, toothbrushes and toothpaste, canned foods, sanitary products. Plus everything else. I had all this long before corona virus lol

 

My thoughts about corona virus is that we shouldn't panic. It's not fatal unless you're elderly or have other illnesses already. Most people will survive. We just need to try to keep our body strong by eating very healthy. Well had SARS and got through it. And look I hate to say it but before we had good medical care, people did use to die of various illnesses that are now non fatal. And it was the stronger people that got to live. Survival of the fittest, that's how evolution works. So yes some people have died and it's absolutely horrific but they were people whose immunity was weak.

 

I'm a spiritual person and I like to believe that we're all here for a reason. I think we're all doing something for others and for this world. Even if that something is on a smaller scale. Sure, millions of people have died who you might call "insignificant" that nobody has heard of. But they weren't insignificant to their friends, family, their cat, dog...We all mean something to someone and we're doing our own good in the world. Even small acts of kindness like holding the door for someone or letting someone in front of you in line matter.

 

It's sad that at the moment people are acting like every man for themselves. The thing that separates humans from animals is we have higher reasoning and don't just act only from biological drives. But people are certainly acting like it at the moment!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, here in Australia people are also being "all about me". We have pretty much all essentials gone from supermarkets too. There are massive queues everywhere. The government said we're not allowed to have non essential events of more than 500 people, so basically everything has been cancelled. I'm also starting to feel unwell with a sore throat and cough and feeling very cold...So I might lay low for a bit in case it's corona. One good thing is I'm a huge hoarder and shopaholic. So I actually already hoarded basically everything because I kept buying everything on sale (though I didn't need it). So now I have large supplies of toilet paper, hand wash, toothbrushes and toothpaste, canned foods, sanitary products. Plus everything else. I had all this long before corona virus lol

 

My thoughts about corona virus is that we shouldn't panic. It's not fatal unless you're elderly or have other illnesses already. Most people will survive. We just need to try to keep our body strong by eating very healthy. Well had SARS and got through it. And look I hate to say it but before we had good medical care, people did use to die of various illnesses that are now non fatal. And it was the stronger people that got to live. Survival of the fittest, that's how evolution works. So yes some people have died and it's absolutely horrific but they were people whose immunity was weak.

 

I'm a spiritual person and I like to believe that we're all here for a reason. I think we're all doing something for others and for this world. Even if that something is on a smaller scale. Sure, millions of people have died who you might call "insignificant" that nobody has heard of. But they weren't insignificant to their friends, family, their cat, dog...We all mean something to someone and we're doing our own good in the world. Even small acts of kindness like holding the door for someone or letting someone in front of you in line matter.

 

It's sad that at the moment people are acting like every man for themselves. The thing that separates humans from animals is we have higher reasoning and don't just act only from biological drives. But people are certainly acting like it at the moment!

 

I totally agree with everything you said. I just want to clarify though if I gave the wrong impression. I never said anyone was insignificant. Only that no one is more important than anyone else. Big difference and an important distinction. Sadly, I think people frequently lose sight of this or don’t even consider it at all, especially in situations that seem dire. You’re right, we do have higher selves. And right now is exactly the time not to lose sight of that. A universal test, as it were.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm on the cusp of a high risk category. I'm 52 years of age with low grade asthma. As I said, I don't have a family, so I don't have a lot to lose, but I don't think that really matters. This is affecting everyone equally. Which I think makes rational and critical thinking more imperative than it's been in quite a long time. Are people up to the task? I question that pretty seriously. It requires people to be unified, which is something they haven't been for a long time.

 

American culture is all about "me". At least that's the way I see it. A serious event like this could be the thing it takes to turn that collective mindset around. Which is kind of drastic and unfortunate, but could be seen as a possible silver lining to the whole scenario. This really is a time when people need to pull together and put differences of opinion and belief aside and work towards the greater good.

 

American culture is -where I lived for my first 43 years in one of the largest cities -was hugely philanthropic and giving -I started doing volunteer work at age 14 and I'm 53 now and still regularly volunteer - I've worked with homeless kids, disabled adults, after 9/11, for a major public radio station to fund raise (as a volunteer), helped homeless women with interview prep and resumes, helped low income high school kids as a mentor and tutor, given a lot of $ to charitable organizations and still do and many many Americans (including my 11 year old who volunteers) I know do far far more -look at how they had to turn away volunteers in Tennessee recently after their tornado -there were too many volunteers! And on a small kindness level I see small kindnesses around me daily. Sure there are stereotypes of all sorts and it's a shame when those cliches and stereotypes are perpetuated especially the negative ones.

 

(And after 9/11 that giving spirit multiplied exponentially and did not stop -as you said we pulled together and put our differences aside.

 

I'm sorry you are in more of a high risk category. I'm 53, mom is 85, my husband's uncle is in his 80s too with underlying health conditions. It's not affecting everyone equally at all. We're so lucky to be financially stable, able to work from home, able to have Internet access and teach our child at home during this time. I have friends who might be bankrupt because of this. Others who were under isolation and quarrantine for weeks. So, no it's not affecting us all equally and we're keenly aware of that.

 

I hope you stay very healthy and well despite our difference of opinion!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

American culture is -where I lived for my first 43 years in one of the largest cities -was hugely philanthropic and giving -I started doing volunteer work at age 14 and I'm 53 now and still regularly volunteer - I've worked with homeless kids, disabled adults, after 9/11, for a major public radio station to fund raise (as a volunteer), helped homeless women with interview prep and resumes, helped low income high school kids as a mentor and tutor, given a lot of $ to charitable organizations and still do and many many Americans (including my 11 year old who volunteers) I know do far far more -look at how they had to turn away volunteers in Tennessee recently after their tornado -there were too many volunteers! And on a small kindness level I see small kindnesses around me daily. Sure there are stereotypes of all sorts and it's a shame when those cliches and stereotypes are perpetuated especially the negative ones.

 

(And after 9/11 that giving spirit multiplied exponentially and did not stop -as you said we pulled together and put our differences aside.

 

I'm sorry you are in more of a high risk category. I'm 53, mom is 85, my husband's uncle is in his 80s too with underlying health conditions. It's not affecting everyone equally at all. We're so lucky to be financially stable, able to work from home, able to have Internet access and teach our child at home during this time. I have friends who might be bankrupt because of this. Others who were under isolation and quarrantine for weeks. So, no it's not affecting us all equally and we're keenly aware of that.

 

I hope you stay very healthy and well despite our difference of opinion!!!

 

I have little desire to argue about it, not sure why you seem to want to, but maybe I’m getting the wrong impression. I do my part to contribute to human kindness as well on a daily basis, but that’s not really what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the fear and panic mindset that is prevelant in our culture and can be witnessed by people raiding store shelves. When I say it affects us all equally, I mean we are all equally vulnerable, not that we will all have the same outcome. Let’s not panic folks, shall we? We’re all in this together. Let’s be considerate in this time. It’s a simple thing to ask for, but not an easy one to achieve, due to both human nature as well as basic survival instinct. The sky is not falling. At least it hasn’t yet. Let’s not rush to project doomsday on ourselves.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

But who cares whether only the mother knew or more people knew. That's not what's important about existence. On social media it might be but social media is not the arbiter of what matters

 

I don't understand what you're getting at. What are you trying to say here?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Adultery - the New Monogamy?
      Adultery is the Future of Marriage? The ancient institution of monogamous marriage is ill-suited to the exigencies of modern Western civilization. People of both genders live and work longer (which renders sexual exclusivity impracticable); travel far and away frequently; and are exposed to tempting romantic alternatives via social networking and in various workplace and social settings. As leisure time increases and physical survival is all but effortlessly guaranteed, recreation takes precedence over procreation.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Healing the Child Within
      In today’s episode of The Terri Cole Show, you are in for a treat. I am interviewing a new pal, his name is Nate Postlethwait, but you may know him as @nate_postlethwait on Instagram.

       
      • 0 replies
    • How to Sort Your Life Out | Self Improvement
      This video is about how to sort your life out. There are four important things you need to do to sort your life out ASAP.

       
      • 0 replies
    • Triggers
      You may be tempted to deal with your triggers by avoiding everything or everyone that triggers you. Although that will help you feel better in the moment, it will make life a lot harder for you over all. Instead, here's an emotionally intelligent way of managing your triggers that will help you a lot more.

       
      • 0 replies
    • No Intimacy Without Personal Boundaries (Q&A)
      The ability to thrive in intimacy is inextricably linked to the capacity to maintain and enforce personal boundaries. In personality disordered patients, both are sorely compromised.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...