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Still healing


Chenoa1072

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About 8 months ago, a woman called me to say shes in a relationship with my mate & has been for 5 years. She said even if I stuck around she'd always be in the background & will not go anywhere because she invested too much in the relationship. Of course, when I asked my mate about it, he said she was lying. He said he dated her five years ago but ended it way before he and I started dating three years ago. But he said he did remain friends with her. He neglected to tell me of their friendship during our 3 years. (So he says they were friends. She says they were boyfriend and girlfriend.) He claims he no longer deals with her because of her lies & betrayal. He wants us to move past his mistakes & the things this woman told me/did. However, in the 8 months, I'm having trouble doing that. Every now & again something will happen that will motivate my need to talk about all of it. I need him to be transparent but he wants to forget it happened & move forward. However, I cant because her saying she'll always be in the background still sticks in my head. I know it's been 8 months but it still feels like it just happened yesterday. He hasn't answered all my questions fully. And, I feel their is deception on both sides & the truth lies in the middle (of which I probably will never get) but I guess I need to know how to get past this feeling of annoyance & deception.

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Why do you want to continue with someone who will deceive you about something like that? The way you get rid of those feelings is by removing the person causing them from your life. It's toxic and corrosive for you to continue with this.

 

At some point you have to face reality in that if his hands were clean, he wouldn't be acting shady and would be completely transparent with you about what's going on. Since he isn't doing that, you can't ever really shake your inner instinct and common sense telling you over and over that this is a bad deal for you to be in. You are supposed to feel uncomfortable when you are aware that you are being deceived and the solution is to step away from the mess and leave it behind you.

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Thank you for your question. She said she saw my car at his house one day & got my information & found me on Facebook. He says she knew about me from the beginning because, as his friend, he told her about me. But I think if she knew about me from the beginning, she would've contacted me 3 years ago.

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Yes. I think there were other indicators: we hardly went out as a couple, I havent met his whole family, he seems to place me on back burner for everything. His excuse: he's a private person and his work (he has 3 jobs) & family responsibilities (coparenting & elderly parents) make it difficult to do things. However, he claims he's learned from his mistakes & will make changes if I stick around.

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Yes. I think there were other indicators: we hardly went out as a couple, I havent met his whole family, he seems to place me on back burner for everything. His excuse: he's a private person and his work (he has 3 jobs) & family responsibilities (coparenting & elderly parents) make it difficult to do things. However, he claims he's learned from his mistakes & will make changes if I stick around.

 

OMG....no just no. This is straight out of cheater's handbook 101 including and especially the he is just so conveniently private and has all these plausible sounding excuses for being shady and, of course, he will "change" and it was all just a "mistake". I wouldn't even bother looking further and simply walk away as quickly as possible, unless you love being duped.

 

Just take this as a lesson that when you've been dating awhile and the person continues to exclude you from significant parts of their life, it doesn't matter what reasons they give you, just walk away. After three years, even after a year or less, you should be fully integrated into each other's lives and if you are not, something is rotten with that picture.

 

You gut is right to be screaming loudly. Don't ignore it and keep investing in this mess. There are so many other men out there who would never pull this kind of bs on you. No reason to stick with one who does.

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Unless she is a total loon with a ridiculous axe to grind, there is likely some truth to what she's told you, OP. His refusal to be transparent and answer your questions fully is your indicator that she's not the complete liar he's trying to paint her as.

 

And my guess is that she didn't randomly see your car one day and decide to track you down. She's probably had her suspicions for a while too and has been trying to figure out who his other girlfriend is. When she finally did, she got in touch.

 

This happened to a friend of mine years ago; she found out her boyfriend was leading a double life and quietly tracked down his other girlfriend to expose him. It took a little amateur detective work on her part, but she finally found her. The two women compared notes, realizing they had both felt he was hiding something. And boy oh boy, did they have a lot to compare notes on! My friend was worried the other girlfriend wouldn't believe her, or would shut her out - quite the opposite. She wanted to know everything my friend had found, and they wound up confronting him together.

 

My point? If you feel you need something "tangible" to really kick him to the curb, consider treating this woman as an ally rather than a rival. You might just be shocked at what you can uncover, and thereby help you let go of him, if that's what you need to do. What she decides to do is up to her, but it could give you the push you need if you otherwise have a hard time reconciling what he has told you and what she has told you.

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Thank you so much for your response. I asked her to provide proof by contacting him on 3 way without him knowing I was on phone so I could hear him say he wanted to be with her. She said she couldnt figure how to do 3 way.

But, she suggested we meet at the same time when he called her over to his house for "lovemaking"(she never arranged a meet up). She told me he was coming to her house for "lovemaking" & she'd call me when he got there. She said she'd lay the phone down next to her bed so I could hear them and also take photos of his clothes and ID when he went to shower. I thought that was extreme but said OK. But she never did that either.

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She did seem a little off balance emotionally & mentally. I think she may have embellished some things but not everything. I think she fed his ego & things went too far. I just needed him to tell me that but he says he didnt sleep with her while with me. He says he talked to her on a regular becuz she was his good friend. He did admit to inappropriate text messages. But that's it. He claims no intimate contact (as she says they were together every night of the week for the past 5 years).

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He did admit to inappropriate text messages. But that's it. He claims no intimate contact (as she says they were together every night of the week for the past 5 years).

 

How often do you actually spend time with him?

 

Surely you would know it can't possibly be true that she's spent every weeknight with him for 5 years if you spend any real measurable amount of time with him yourself?

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Do you live together? Fortunately you are not married so you can walk away. It seems one of his 3 jobs is having a double life.There is no need to "get past the feeling of deception" because it is ongoing.

 

She is the main woman you are the secret other woman. He keeps you a secret from his friends and family, never takes you out and tells you he's busy with co-parenting, his parents and 3 jobs? How long have you believed this and settled for this?

 

At some level you realize you are not really in an exclusive relationship with him, but you are trying to hang on. He will not change. Don't bother with catfights over him. Just walk away.

About 8 months ago, a woman called me to say shes in a relationship with my mate & has been for 5 years.. He neglected to tell me of their friendship during our 3 years. I need to know how to get past this feeling of annoyance & deception.
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We were together almost every night of week. So I knew what she said couldnt be true. But who knows. I'm sure 5 years ago, it was every night like she said. But i thought it COULDNT be possible for the 3 yrs he & I were together. But, cheaters have a way to make things work. I thought maybe he saw her immediately before we got together each night. Oh & the time we spent together was always late night /overnight time. We hardly ever went out on dates becuz of his "schedule" as he said.

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Hopefully this revelation will help you stop seeing him. He clearly had a double life you tolerated for 3 yrs. You can do better than being this guy's secret pit stop.

the time we spent together was always late night /overnight time. We hardly ever went out on dates becuz of his "schedule" as he said.
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No people like him do not change, they just find another victim to dupe. Leading a double life is deeply pathological behavior and not a minor fixable issue.

 

Unfortunately it also sounds like the other woman is taking this up as a rivalry, as if a guy who leads a double life is some kind of a prize. Pretty crazy, but I don't think you'll get much from her. It could also be that he is doing all kinds of rapid damage control right now and maybe "had to work" so never showed up at her place, etc.

 

As for the always late night, not taking you out.....yeah....he could well have been seeing her for a few hours before you. Anyway, cheaters will never ever admit to anything they don't have to. Even if you present him with irrefutable evidence he is likely to try and twist it and gaslight you about it.

 

Yeah, walk away and block and delete him. Do not even give him a chance to bother you with begging, pleading and crocodile tears. No point in making this more messy as you already know what you need to know. I'd also spend a lot of time thinking back on this relationship and all that you might have ignored, glossed over, all the weird little things so that you never make this mistake again or at least if you ever run into another guy like that, you'll see through the bs in a nanosecond and run because you see the signs from a mile away.

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Oh & the time we spent together was always late night /overnight time. We hardly ever went out on dates becuz of his "schedule" as he said.

 

These are red flags, when coupled with the other information you provided about still not really knowing that many people in his life.

 

Who have you met among his friends and family, anyway?

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He actually said he went to her house to confront her about her lies & to tell her to stay out his life & my life. He said if he went over there to sleep with her, she wouldve called/recorded and sent what she planned on sending. So he said she was lying about his intent for the visit.

 

During the initial weeks of the incident, she contacted me daily to say she was "just with him", etc. I remember one profound statement she made: she said she'd always be in the background (she said even if he & i were to continue in a relationship after all this, she'd always be in background and she's not going anywhere, no matter what).

 

Interestingly, after his confrontation visit, I heard nothing else from her. So I'm not sure what occurred during that visit. It's all so confusing. But like you said, she sees it as a rivalry. She may have lied about some things but so did he. If he realized he made a mistake & have regrets & want to change, it's too late. Thank u for helping me see that.

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Thank you everyone. I've met his brother, close friend from college & (briefly) his youngest son. I've not met his parents nor oldest son nor any other important people in his life.

 

.....and you've been together 3 years...... You've been a well kept secret with just enough introductions to keep you quiet and passive and accepting his busy and soooo private bs.

 

The question that you might want to ask yourself is why you found this acceptable for so long.

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You're right.... thank u . Very appreciated. Reality hurts but thank you.

 

You come across as a very strong, sensible person. So I hope you realize that this guy, this relationship, whatever he is doing is not a commentary or reflection on you or your worth. You are worth so much more than him and you didn't cause him to be shady. He was already like that. You will be better off without him in the end and yes, I know that right now it's all raw and confusing. However, once you remove the person causing the pain and confusion....turns out life is brighter and better....it's just taking that step that seems scary at first and so hard. Just do it though. You'll thank yourself later. Maybe not instantly, but once 20/20 hindsight kicks in....yup you'll look back and wonder what you ever saw in him.

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It's a blessing this woman contacted you. It's the wake up call you need to get out of this sham and live your life happily with a real man who has integrity and who you can have a real and exclusive relationship with.

 

Make sure you are feeling ok. Make sure your life is full and happy with friends, family, career, groups, clubs, interests and activities that improve your self worth. Get to doctor and a therapist. Explore why you fell into this rut and allowed yourself to stick your head in the sand and accept it.

You're right.... thank u . Very appreciated. Reality hurts but thank you.
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