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Hey everyone, so I've been in about seven different relationships in my life, six of which I would say are truly meaningful to me, and I noticed that five of them ended for similar reasons, and I'm starting to wonder if the issue is me, how I can fix this, and get a relationship to last longer than 7 months, and hopefully for a life time.

 

Relationship #1 ended because I was young enough to let my parents interfere in the relationship, as they truly disliked the person I was with, said she had major issues and wasn't right for me.. I listened to them eventually and ended the first one. They didnt like that her social media posts were always negative and how I would have to drive 30+ mins all the time to see her and always had to pay the bill when we went out. (Keep in mind I was like 18 at the time, relatively young)

 

Relationship #2 ended because the person didn't have their priorities straight, they were content living with no job, no college education, in a terrible living situation, and had no motivation to improve at the time, I didn't like that at all.

 

Relationship #3 ended because the person I was with would seemingly blow off more than one night where we were supposed to see each other, to spend time with her "gay" best friend(s) and not me.. I learned from this and recognize I was wrong for being jelous, but still it bothered me that she put them first and seemingly had no time to spend

 

Relationship #4 just constantly cancelled dates for every excuse in the book, would set a makeup day, and then cancel the date again, this happened constantly, I felt like I saw her maybe 6 times in a two year on and off period of trying to actually make it work, something would always come up with her

 

Relationship #5, my most recent one, long story short, pretty much ended for all of the above reasons. There were trust issues, she got mad & flipped out that I sent a mere 5 messages to a female stranger (person added me on facebook, I said I dont add strangers, but I wanted to get to know them before deciding to add weather on Messenger, instagram, snapchat etc, my ex saw that and flipped out, ended the relationship) she would cancel dates every now and then, my parents didn't like her, claimed she had major issues, it was really a combination of everything that happened to me in the past, all in one person..

 

Can someone explain to me What I am doing wrong, why do I keep having similar types of issues in relationships? I'm always the most honest person I can be, I'm super nice, I'm always myself, try to see the person as often as possible, I'm good at expressing my feelings, but none of my relationships work out ultimately. None of my relationships lasted more than 7 months, and I absolutely hate that. I met most of these people via the Plenty of Fish (POF online dating app) & similar free online dating apps. Is POF filled with people who just aren't looking for what I am, something long-term, and serious, and am I looking in the wrong places? I hardly ever go out unless it's with a close group of 3 or 4 friends, so the only way I can meet people is through online dating, but so far they've all ended relatively short and I just am starting to feel hopeless at this point.

 

I'm a 26 year old Male, if that helps anyone.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

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You are either attracted to this or they are attracted to you for some reason.

How quickly do you become involved with these women?

Would you consider yourself too tolerant?

Did you see any sign of these traits you mention in the early stages?

Is there anyone in your family that exhibits this unpredictability and inconsistency?

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I'm not sure if this helps, or comforts, but what you're describing? It sounds not only pretty normal, but also healthy, in terms of romance at your age. Very, very few people find their forever person between the ages of 18 and 26, and part of that is because people are still going through a lot of changes during that time, and still very much coming into who they are as an adult, a person. Hard to know who you want to be with—seriously, for a good stretch—when you're still getting to know yourself.

 

That said, if there's a through-line here? You seem to have spent a lot of time investing in people who reveal themselves, pretty quickly, to be on the flighty side. Unmotivated, into bouncing around with friends, prone to canceling dates, prone to breaking up and getting back together, easily set off by small things—these are not, generally speaking, great foundations on which to try to build a sustainable, deepening connection. It's a bit like trying to build a home on quicksand, or in a swamp, and wondering why it always falls over.

 

So perhaps you can use this past experience to sharpen your focus and approach a bit. Meaning: rather than looking at these 7-month-long relationships and wondering why they didn't last for years, ask yourself why they didn't just last a couple of days, weeks, or months. Had they been shorter, ending when it was pretty clear there wasn't enough there to build a home? Well, that would have kept you more open—literally, and emotionally—to connect with someone with whom you share more in common with, if that makes sense. Something in you, it seems, is attracted to trying to make things work with people who don't work for you.

 

Reinvent asked some insightful questions to try to hone in on what that something is, so I won't run them through my internal thesaurus and spit them out as my own. Looking forward to the answers, though.

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Relationship #5, my most recent one, long story short, pretty much ended for all of the above reasons. There were trust issues, she got mad & flipped out that I sent a mere 5 messages to a female stranger (person added me on facebook, I said I dont add strangers, but I wanted to get to know them before deciding to add weather on Messenger, instagram, snapchat etc, my ex saw that and flipped out, ended the relationship) she would cancel dates every now and then, my parents didn't like her, claimed she had major issues, it was really a combination of everything that happened to me in the past, all in one person..

 

Dude.. If a random stranger adds you on Facebook - then don't add random strangers. If every spam account that friend requested me i "tried to chat with to screen their worthiness" my account might be hacked or my guy would wonder if i lost my common sense....

 

Stop meeting people on hook up apps and start living your life and being interesting -- you may meet women who are out there being responsible, volunteering their time, etc.

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The good news is you avoided a lot of flakes and that is a good thing. However at 26 your parents should not be this involved in your dating life. If you are serious, act serious. Make it exclusive and stop the social media nonsense with random women. Also decide for yourself who is right for you mom and dad shouldn't be calling the shots.

 

Do you have a good job, car and your own place? You need to round out your life and get out there. Classes, courses, join some groups and clubs, volunteer. Try a quality (paid) dating app.

 

Hanging out on cheap sites may be your way of making sure these things are just flings then finding fault and letting mom and dad chime in. It sounds like you are not ready for anything serious and that's fine.

I sent a mere 5 messages to a female stranger. my parents didn't like her, I'm a 26 year old Male

 

None of my relationships lasted more than 7 months. I met most of these people via the Plenty of Fish (POF online dating app) & similar free online dating apps.

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The good news is you avoided a lot of flakes and that is a good thing. However at 26 your parents should not be this involved in your dating life. If you are serious, act serious. Make it exclusive and stop the social media nonsense with random women. Also decide for yourself who is right for you mom and dad shouldn't be calling the shots.

 

Do you have a good job, car and your own place? You need to round out your life and get out there. Classes, courses, join some groups and clubs, volunteer. Try a quality (paid) dating app.

 

Hanging out on cheap sites may be your way of making sure these things are just flings then finding fault and letting mom and dad chime in. It sounds like you are not ready for anything serious and that's fine.

 

If i dated someone who put me down in front of others, showed up to dinners with my parents smelling of beer, etc, my parents would tell me they wanted me to be happy, but was i sure i was with this guy. They would make their opinion known. We don't know if the parents are thumbs down on a girl because she likes putting a purple or green streak in her hair or is from a different ethnicity or have a REAL concern like I have illustrated. I am not going to diss the parents not knowing.

 

But otherwise i totally agree with you.

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Wow, so many quick replies. Thank you.

 

So I actually have 3 different part time (Two are seasonal, one in the fall/winter, the other in the spring/summer) jobs in the TV Production field, that I love, I work 5-6 days a week depending on the season, but I still live at home with my parents (which I hope to change within the next 1-2 years)

 

Typically when I meet someone new, I talk to them for a few weeks via texting/phone calls/video chats, go on about 3 or 4 dates with them, usually based off how the chemistry is I can get a pretty good feel after about the 3rd or 4th date before deciding if I want to continue seeing this person/think about becoming exclusive/in a relationship with them.

The average relationship I listed here was anywhere between 2-6 months, the longest being 7 months. Nothing long-term yet, and that's the one thing I want in my life more than anything, a happy and healthy long-term relationship.

 

I agree with you guys, my parents are way too involved in my dating life at my age, but at the same time I haven't brought anyone home to them almost 7 years because of what happened in the past & their history of not liking the people I date (based off the information I tell them)

 

To answer the first person, one of the other two relationships were so incredibly long ago, I really don't remember why they ended, honestly, it was like 2009.. It was my first relationship. I think the person just didn't feel the same way I felt about them, ultimately.. I truly can't remember. The other ended because we just didn't have that great chemistry together.

 

I decided to temporary stay off the online dating apps to re-find myself after my last relationship ended, but I think when I do return and feel like I'm ready to date again, I'm going to try one of the paid apps like eHarmony or Match, because it seems like the people on the apps I used to use (PoF, OK Cupid, Tinder, Bumble) weren't serious at all.

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Ok how can you have privacy to date? So you have to see them out or at their place? Having cyber relationships for "weeks/months" is another way to never get anywhere. It's hard for women your age to take you seriously if they are not allowed into your home and you chitchat for weeks/months before asking them out.

I still live at home with my parents. I agree my parents are way too involved in my dating life, but at the same time I haven't brought anyone home to them almost 7 years
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Ok how can you have privacy to date? So you have to see them out or at their place? Having cyber relationships for "weeks/months" is another way to never get anywhere. It's hard for women your age to take you seriously if they are not allowed into your home and you chitchat for weeks/months before asking them out.

 

Typically I go on dates in public places, like restaurants, bowling, movies, mini golfing, etc especially in the beginning.. Typically I never ask to go to their place either, early on.

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Wow, so many quick replies. Thank you.

 

So I actually have 3 different part time (Two are seasonal, one in the fall/winter, the other in the spring/summer) jobs in the TV Production field, that I love, I work 5-6 days a week depending on the season, but I still live at home with my parents (which I hope to change within the next 1-2 years)

 

Typically when I meet someone new, I talk to them for a few weeks via texting/phone calls/video chats, go on about 3 or 4 dates with them, usually based off how the chemistry is I can get a pretty good feel after about the 3rd or 4th date before deciding if I want to continue seeing this person/think about becoming exclusive/in a relationship with them.

The average relationship I listed here was anywhere between 2-6 months, the longest being 7 months. Nothing long-term yet, and that's the one thing I want in my life more than anything, a happy and healthy long-term relationship.

 

I agree with you guys, my parents are way too involved in my dating life at my age, but at the same time I haven't brought anyone home to them almost 7 years because of what happened in the past & their history of not liking the people I date (based off the information I tell them)

 

To answer the first person, one of the other two relationships were so incredibly long ago, I really don't remember why they ended, honestly, it was like 2009.. It was my first relationship. I think the person just didn't feel the same way I felt about them, ultimately.. I truly can't remember. The other ended because we just didn't have that great chemistry together.

 

I decided to temporary stay off the online dating apps to re-find myself after my last relationship ended, but I think when I do return and feel like I'm ready to date again, I'm going to try one of the paid apps like eHarmony or Match, because it seems like the people on the apps I used to use (PoF, OK Cupid, Tinder, Bumble) weren't serious at all.

 

They are involved because you involve them.

 

Honestly, you should not be doing what you are doing. You should move to meeting someone for coffee or equivalent right away. The "connection" you think you have makes you continue to date someone who is not someone apropriate to date. If they will not meet you during day light hours in a public place they are not worth pursuing. Obviously, look at their profile and don't contact anyone who is not even remotely a match (inappropriate age for you to date, still married and more). I think at your age, its okay to also not want to date anyone who has been previously married if they are younger than you.

 

I started dating my guy while i was temporarily living with my parents after moving from out of state and he was temporarily living with his parents while his kitchen and bathroom were totally gutted and being renovated. There was an end date to our situations and we made it work - it was actually nice dating someone where there was no chance of or no pressure or sex right away in that regard. I ended up getting my own place 7 months into it and his situation changed, too.

 

I do think at your age, you should look at a roommate situation within the next year, though.

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They are involved because you involve them.

 

Honestly, you should not be doing what you are doing. You should move to meeting someone for coffee or equivalent right away. The "connection" you think you have makes you continue to date someone who is not someone apropriate to date. If they will not meet you during day light hours in a public place they are not worth pursuing. Obviously, look at their profile and don't contact anyone who is not even remotely a match (inappropriate age for you to date, still married and more). I think at your age, its okay to also not want to date anyone who has been previously married if they are younger than you.

 

I started dating my guy while i was temporarily living with my parents after moving from out of state and he was temporarily living with his parents while his kitchen and bathroom were totally gutted and being renovated. There was an end date to our situations and we made it work - it was actually nice dating someone where there was no chance of or no pressure or sex right away in that regard. I ended up getting my own place 7 months into it and his situation changed, too.

 

I do think at your age, you should look at a roommate situation within the next year, though.

 

Thank you for your advice. I agree, if someone flakes out on dates, especially early on and more than once, they aren't worth pursuing. I've learned that after what happened in my last two relationships. I agree, my closest, long-time friends and I have talked about rooming together, briefly, but talks never got to the point of seriously looking for a place, only was mentioned in a conversation once or twice. Maybe I should consider seeing if they were interested in doing that, for real over time.

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Thank you for your advice. I agree, if someone flakes out on dates, especially early on and more than once, they aren't worth pursuing. I've learned that after what happened in my last two relationships. I agree, my closest, long-time friends and I have talked about rooming together, briefly, but talks never got to the point of seriously looking for a place, only was mentioned in a conversation once or twice. Maybe I should consider seeing if they were interested in doing that, for real over time.

 

Sometimes the best roommates are not your best friends. My first roommate was someone I didn't know prior -- she were a young professional who was also part time in grad school and had a job as such that i knew they had to keep reasonable hours. She was the one who had the apartment and the apartment was in good shape (no doors that didn't shut because they were damaged or mishung, all signs pointed to that the landlord and hersel took reasonable care of the place.) We set groundrules about overnights and guests up front (that was the condition of us living together) we paid our share to the landlords individually and all was well.

 

Sometimes when you move in with buddies they take advantage of your good nature about guests, noise, smoking, etc, or say "catch you later" on a bill.

 

I also had a situation where i rented out someone's in-law apartment - it was a couple whose kids moved out and it worked really well.

 

Also, coffee dates let YOU decide if you are interested in someone -- its not about dating until they flake. there could be a young woman that is perfectly responsible and shows up but you don't really click or wants something different. With a coffee or lunch very early on you don't get so invested.

 

My guy and i probably exchanged two messages and went right to coffee/lunch. Our profiles sounded interesting to eachother and we cut to the chase. But this wasn't a swipe right app - it was a few years before that...

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Sometimes the best roommates are not your best friends. My first roommate was someone I didn't know prior -- she were a young professional who was also part time in grad school and had a job as such that i knew they had to keep reasonable hours. She was the one who had the apartment and the apartment was in good shape (no doors that didn't shut because they were damaged or mishung, all signs pointed to that the landlord and hersel took reasonable care of the place.) We set groundrules about overnights and guests up front (that was the condition of us living together) we paid our share to the landlords individually and all was well.

 

Sometimes when you move in with buddies they take advantage of your good nature about guests, noise, smoking, etc, or say "catch you later" on a bill.

 

I also had a situation where i rented out someone's in-law apartment - it was a couple whose kids moved out and it worked really well.

 

Also, coffee dates let YOU decide if you are interested in someone -- its not about dating until they flake. there could be a young woman that is perfectly responsible and shows up but you don't really click or wants something different. With a coffee or lunch very early on you don't get so invested.

 

My guy and i probably exchanged two messages and went right to coffee/lunch. Our profiles sounded interesting to eachother and we cut to the chase. But this wasn't a swipe right app - it was a few years before that...

 

Thank you again for the advice. I guess I'm so used to getting to know someone via texting/phone calls first to make the first time meeting a little less awkward, I've never done anything like that before (meeting someone without first getting to know them via texting for a week+) honestly. I'm the type of person that always is texting the person they are with, nearly every day, almost all the time.

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Thank you again for the advice. I guess I'm so used to getting to know someone via texting/phone calls first to make the first time meeting a little less awkward, I've never done anything like that before (meeting someone without first getting to know them via texting for a week+) honestly. I'm the type of person that always is texting the person they are with, nearly every day, almost all the time.

 

Texting all the time is smothering. You don't get to know someone by constant texting. you get to know someone by asking the right questions and having an experience in person.

 

A coffee meetup is how you screen someone. I did not know my guy when we met. I knew some basic stuff about what he is was looking for, hobbies, etc, and he was my type so to speak. Coffee is low risk and confirmed that he was everything he represented himself to be. Its not really a date. Its a face to face so you see if you want to go on a date.

 

anyway --- maybe its not for everyone but you eliminate the women who are just texting because they are bored.

 

i might take a break from online dating, if you meet a young woman in person during the course of your day by chance and something grows organically, be open to that.

But i would get your ducks in a row and take yourself off for awhile.

 

When i was first looking - you saw the same guys always still on their and i had already ruled them out despite anything changing with them. If you come back on as a guy who lives with a roommate vs with parents, you won't be "oh, i already saw that guy.he lives with his folks". And its not about having a place to romance a woman - its about already having had the experience of living on your own/not with parents before you meet a woman you want to marry.

 

If you live in NYC or have a cultural background where you don't move until marriage, that's different.

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Thanks again for all the responses so far. Any more replies are greatly appreciated, I could really use any and all help to fix this issue

 

I don't think you have an issue per se -- you just are learning and will learn how to weed women who are not suitable out much more quickly and the more you grow as a person in independence you will meet a better caliber of women. It takes time to meet the one - but you have to be the one, too

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Get your own place. Meet in a timely fashion, stop chitchatting for weeks and months before meeting. Cut the apron strings and stop letting mom run your dating life.

I could really use any and all help to fix this issue
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Thank you again for the advice. I guess I'm so used to getting to know someone via texting/phone calls first to make the first time meeting a little less awkward, I've never done anything like that before (meeting someone without first getting to know them via texting for a week+) honestly. I'm the type of person that always is texting the person they are with, nearly every day, almost all the time.

 

Not a great strategy. Building e-fantasies about a stranger before actually meeting them forms false and premature investments in people you could have otherwise screened out quickly. Then you stick with them for months despite flaking and negativity. Then you beat yourself up for 'failures' that are not fails at all--just screening that took waaaay too long.

 

Skip all the messaging, phoning and fantasy building. Setting up quick meets over coffee is an app version of speed dating. Grab 20 to 30 minute coffees with people on your way home from work. If anyone stands you up, just take your coffee with you, and nothing is lost. Agree that neither can corner the other for a real date on the spot, but either can message the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

 

Most people are NOT our match. That's natural odds. The goal of dating is to screen out bad matches until you stumble on great simpatico with someone who really 'gets you' AND is relationship material. So ask people up front before meeting about their dating goals, and nix anyone who's into casual, FWB, doesn't know or is otherwise not in it for the same reasons you are. Don't even meet those people.

 

Allow bad matches to pass early instead of latching onto them to try to force a fit. That's a waste of your time, as as you've noticed, it doesn't work.

 

Head high, screen carefully, and don't get discouraged by bad matches--there will be plenty of those. You'll thank yourself for keeping your focus on finding the RIGHT person for you rather than settling for anyone who's willing to go through the motions with you.

 

And stop reporting your private life to your parents! If you want them to respect your adult choices, ditch the child role and model for them an earned independence and a confidence in your own ability to make good decisions.

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