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I am concerned about a friend of mine. She's been married for about 2 years now and tells me that her husband has a bad temper.

When they get in arguments, he gets so angry that he will punch the bed (if they're talking in the bedroom) or the walls, or throws things (although not at her).

She's starting to become really worried that he will hit her and cringes at his temper.

 

I have never been in an a physically abusive relationship (thank god!) so I honestly don't know if she has a reason to be concerned or not.

Does punching walls or throwing things make it more likely that a partner will eventually hit?

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Sounds like they don't know how to communicate, he gets frustrated and takes it out on inanimate objects (thus far). Will his temper lead to hitting? It may or it may not. It depends on whether or not your friends can stop arguing and instead learn how to communicate properly and then it definitely will be less likely.

 

Next time she talks about it can you suggest couples therapy or a class on how to communicate so they don't let it get to hitting anything? If they do nothing then it will more likely than not could escalate.

 

Does she know when to stop when she can see that arguing isn't getting them anywhere except having to repair drywall?

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can stop arguing and instead learn how to communicate properly and then it definitely will be less likely.

 

I've heard of and been in some very loud arguments and discussions in my time. (I think every couple has at some point). But I don't believe lack of knowing how to communicate or having flares of tempers ever makes a person at risk of anything physical.

 

I think you either have a partner who will hit and become physical during an argument or you don't. Some people hit or start throwing things, while others will never become this way no matter how angry.

 

I agree that they need to learn how to discuss things so that their tempers don't boil over. But I don't think this relates to the worry of being hit as some people aren't like that and never will be.

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That is called intimidation and it is abusive. She needs to get out. One day it won’t be the wall

 

I'd agree with you there, Seraphim, apart from the fact that she says he's always dealt with his anger this way when she spoke to him about it.

 

Apparently even when he lived on his own if he got upset he would throw something, like say a phone and break it, if someone got him angry, whether that be a co worker, family member, etc.

 

Throwing something or hitting a wall, seems to be his outlet for his anger, but does this make him more prone to actually hitting my friend?

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I'd agree with you there, Seraphim, apart from the fact that she says he's always dealt with his anger this way when she spoke to him about it.

 

Apparently even when he lived on his own if he got upset he would throw something, like say a phone and break it, if someone got him angry, whether that be a co worker, family member, etc.

 

Throwing something or hitting a wall, seems to be his outlet for his anger, but does this make him more prone to actually hitting my friend?

If I had a coworker act like that at work his ass would be fired. He has very maladaptive coping methods. She should run.

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If I had a coworker act like that at work his ass would be fired

 

Oh sorry, what I meant was...if he had a bad day at work or a falling out with a family member over the phone, he would hang up the phone, THEN throw something against the wall.

 

He told my friend he has always dealt with his anger like this and it didn't affect anyone, until now with being married and having a spouse witness it.

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Oh sorry, what I meant was...if he had a bad day at work or a falling out with a family member over the phone, he would hang up the phone, THEN throw something against the wall.

 

He told my friend he has always dealt with his anger like this and it didn't affect anyone, until now with being married and having a spouse witness it.

He THINKS it affects no one. It is mental and emotional abuse.

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Tell her you are concerned about the escalating violence which is intended to control and intimidate her. Physical abuse is the end game not the beginning. Sadly too many people think abuse is s trip to the ER, but that is usually when they are in so deep and for so long that it's very difficult to extricate themselves by then. It doesn't matter if it progresses it's already abusive.

 

Send her some material on abusive relationships. There is a spectrum and a black eye or broken bones are aren't necessary for it to be abusive. If you don't want to be around her or tell her "no problem", it may be best to distance yourself from this after suggesting she inform herself on abusive relationships. Perhaps it would be best if she didn't confide in you and instead read up on the subject from the multitude of reliable accurate information available.

She's starting to become really worried that he will hit her and cringes at his temper. I honestly don't know if she has a reason to be concerned or not.

Does punching walls or throwing things make it more likely that a partner will eventually hit?

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Wiseman, if her husband has always thrown things as an outlet for his anger, and has done so in his house alone (I know it's very bad coping skills), but does it still make it controlling and intimidating or does it make it a man who has no idea how to deal with his own anger and is acting the only way he knows how to?

 

Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's right whatsoever, but I am trying to work out if he is a threat to my friend or if he just has always behaved this way and will always throw things whether he's alone or not.

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Send her some material on abusive relationships. There is a spectrum and a black eye or broken bones are aren't necessary for it to be abusive. If you don't want to be around her or tell her "no problem", it may be best to distance yourself from this after suggesting she inform herself on abusive relationships. Perhaps it would be best if she didn't confide in you and instead read up on the subject from the multitude of reliable accurate information available.

 

I have told her that he needs anger management asap. But as for him hitting her, I don't know if it will come to that. But you are absolutely right, it is already abusive if he'a already throwing things and acting this way.

 

She says he blames her though and says if she hadn't pushed him that far he wouldn't be doing that. I don't think that's right. I feel that it doesn't matter how angry you get, you don't cross certain lines, such as throwing things or punching walls.

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Defining abuse is not the issue. The issue is as a friend you could help by suggesting she read up on it by herself rather than sit around splitting hairs as to whether it's abusive or anger or whatever.

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This relationship is abusive,period. Even if he’s a guy who doesn’t know how to control his anger. Even the best possible scenario this is still an abusive relationship. His anger is his problem and she should leave.

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Defining abuse is not the issue. The issue is as a friend you could help by suggesting she read up on it by herself rather than sit around splitting hairs as to whether it's abusive or anger or whatever.

 

This relationship is abusive,period. Even if he’s a guy who doesn’t know how to control his anger. Even the best possible scenario this is still an abusive relationship. His anger is his problem and she should leave.

 

Okay, thank you. I will pass along the information.

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I've heard of and been in some very loud arguments and discussions in my time. (I think every couple has at some point).
No doubt.

But I don't believe lack of knowing how to communicate or having flares of tempers ever makes a person at risk of anything physical.
Are you saying you don't think she's in physical danger or are you saying a lack of communication skills does not lead to what he ends up doing? If its the latter then I disagree.

 

I think you either have a partner who will hit and become physical during an argument or you don't.
Well, then you believe that it's possible that he just takes out his frustration due to the poor way they both communicate will only lead to a smashed wall? Logic of what you're saying would dictate that that scenerio is also possible.

 

Some people hit or start throwing things, while others will never become this way no matter how angry.
Yes true. But its also true that they may throw things or punch things but never hit their partner. Thing is, there are ways to learn to stop triggering and to stop reacting (with good communication, with knowing when to back off, and knowing when to stop the bs with one another and cool down before discussing further). Classes in communication and anger management for both of them wouldn't hurt. If after that they are unable to de-escalate then they should part ways because clearly they are toxic to one another. I suspect she's not sitting there in the corner while he raves at her and punches walls. Is she?

 

I agree that they need to learn how to discuss things so that their tempers don't boil over.
Yes, that's my point.

 

But I don't think this relates to the worry of being hit as some people aren't like that and never will be.
Well, your friends are two of those people who may, so...
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There are actual rooms you can rent to smash things that are set up to break like vases, glasses, wood furniture, etc. It's an outlet meant to be therapeutic. I think it would be helpful though to take communication classes so to at least not let his feelings get so pent up that he explodes on the walls. Maybe learning to take 10 seconds to just breath; or take a deep breath, and release counting out 8 seconds. Then repeat for at least 3 more times.

 

My bros were like this in their teens and 20's, but both did classes on how communication, and no longer do the throwing of objects. Neither of them have ever hit someone in the process. But as teens, a few holes in the wall or door from them.

 

After discussing how to him how it scares her, if he does stick to it, have her leave the room, premises, etc, and not say anything. This helps to disengage, and discourage this type of bad attention.

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Not to split hairs but I think there's a difference between getting mad, leaving a room to go into another room and slamming the door or going into the kitchen and slamming the fridge shut, etc -then it's not in front of the person and for some it's an outlet - and it's not intimidating like throwing something in her presence near her but not at her. It really depends on her perception and also -she needs to tell him "when you do ____ I feel ____" and see what he says.

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I used to work with a guy who would have angry outbursts like that at work. But he was actually a very nice guy who wouldn't hurt a fly.

 

This was over 13 years ago. He was a couple years younger than me, and I think that's what he grew up thinking that men did.

 

I don't think it lead to violence with his girlfriend. He was very devoted to her. I knew her too. She probably would have hit him upside the head if he ever tried to hurt her.

 

He was just irritating to work alongside, is all.

 

I had a boyfriend years ago who would act out his anger by hitting things and flying into an incoherent rage, etc.

 

I first met him when I was 15. We were together until I was 17, and then we got together again when I was about 28.

 

He didn't come from a good family, and he never learned to deal with things properly.

 

He had a heart of gold, though. He was always protective of the underdog, always kind to animals, etc. He was a wonderful father. He just had this stupid temper.

 

He never hit me or insulted me. But his temper was an impediment to forward progress of our relationship. He was too reactive, and as a result I couldn't trust his long term decision-making ability.

 

When I was in college, I worked with a man who was very quiet and pleasant. Always had a smile on his face. One day he went home and killed his wife and infant child. Then he killed himself.

 

It was unbelievable.

 

Just goes to show you never can tell.

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Agree. The abuse here is not a broken vases, glasses, furniture,etc. It is the terror. Carrying on like this will make life a miserable place....for her. He's acting like a 2 y/o in a grown man's body which for her is no doubt a scary situation.

 

It is sad that in this day and age people are ignorant about abuse. Football, boxing, paintball whatever are games. Terrorizing your partner with chaos, violence and destruction is not a game nor an arcade gimmick. It's not a controlled expected situation like games or arcade gimmicks like smashing things for fun and venting.

I feel that it doesn't matter how angry you get, you don't cross certain lines, such as throwing things or punching walls.
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My father used to smash and break things as a tyrant tactic and occasionally hit my mom. I don’t tolerate this crap from anyone anywhere I don’t care who they are. Bullying tactics get my dander right around ratchet point.

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