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A friend of mine has been behaving a little weird lately, I feel like she doesn't want to hang out with me anymore.

I know this might seem like we're back at high school but we've been friends for almost 3 years so I'm a little confused and sad.

So we would meet on a regular basis and were pretty close but lately it seems she hangs out with everyone else except for me. We both have our own group of friends and I'm definitely not someone who needs their friends 24/7 but we'd always find time to meet up.

The last time we met she was a little weird/annoyed but she's going through stuff so I didn't think too much about it. We were supposed to attend this event last weekend, she said she couldn't go because she was afraid of the coronavirus. Yesterday we were randomly texting when she just told me she cant meet up this weekend because she's busy. I didn't even ask her about the weekend plans, so I thought it was a bit weird.

The thing is she hangs out with other people, goes to concerts and stuff, so I have the impression she doesn't want to find time to meet up with me.

I know I can't do much about it, and I don't want to force people to spend time with me if they don't want to, I just needed to vent. I feel a little disappointed, like she knows I am going through some stuff too and I don't feel I could talk to her right now.

Thank you for reading this!

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For some reason, at the moment, spending time with you isn't a priority to her. I'm also interested in your answer to the question Batya asked you about (her being upset with you for some reason).

 

I hope it all works out!

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Sorry this is happening. She may be more of an acquaintance than a friend. Perhaps she can't handle other people's problems or depressed moods when she is having her own stuff.

I feel a little disappointed, like she knows I am going through some stuff too and I don't feel I could talk to her right now.
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That must be frustrating to be left guessing. Is she the type to be triggered by the coronavirus panic some are experiencing? Have you asked her if she is upset with you for some reason?

 

Yes, she's afraid of the coronavirus, but it's not like she would stay in her apartment all the time, she attends concerts, goes to work, so it felt more like an excuse when she didn't want to go this event. I don't think I did/said something that could upset her, I was a little late to her birthday brunch because I had this terrible headache in the morning but I assume that's not something to be upset about. I met someone I really like about the same time she met a guy, and it's true the last time we met she didn't seem excited when I was talking about him (I didn't talk about him for hours either). So I can't think of a real reason to be upset, but maybe I am missing something here.

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Sorry this is happening. She may be more of an acquaintance than a friend. Perhaps she can't handle other people's problems or depressed moods when she is having her own stuff.

 

We've been friends for 3 years and didn't fight, it was a pretty solid friendship (at least from my point of view), she would always reschedule if something came up, but it's true she's changed a little, and perhaps is looking for new friends. We would cheer each other up, and then again I'm not super moody either, I told her I'm not very happy lately, but didn't complain too much. I don't know, maybe she's just changing and going through a phase when she prefers other people.

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Did you apologize for being late to her birthday? Are you late often? Is it worth it to talk to her about this?

 

Yes I did, I also sent her a message before the brunch actually started, I mean she's late sometimes too, just as me, I don't think it's a big deal, at least she never mentioned it. I think I'll wait to see if she suggests meeting up next week or so, and if not, I'll just talk to her about it.

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perhaps is looking for new friends.

 

Maybe she is just moving on.

 

My sister has always been like this. She was a climber as a child and it's continued on through adulthood.

 

I can't tell you how many 'best friends' she's dumped since she was a little girl. She's always moving on to the next big thing, and she never looks back.

 

She's a great charmer and it's made her very successful in business.

 

So, try not to take it too personally. Your friend probably isn't.

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Maybe she is just moving on.

 

My sister has always been like this. She was a climber as a child and it's continued on through adulthood.

 

I can't tell you how many 'best friends' she's dumped since she was a little girl. She's always moving on to the next big thing, and she never looks back.

 

She's a great charmer and it's made her very successful in business.

 

So, try not to take it too personally. Your friend probably isn't.

 

Thank you, I didn't think about it like this, she stopped being friends with a few girls, most recently with her bff, but it seemed like it wasn't her fault. Friendships mean a lot to me, but i'll try not to take it personally :)

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Cheer up. Did you know that actress Kristen Bell is a fellow sloth-lover?

 

 

I know, I've seen this video a few times :D I haven't seen a sloth yet, for now I have my stuffed one lol.

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Yes I did, I also sent her a message before the brunch actually started, I mean she's late sometimes too, just as me, I don't think it's a big deal, at least she never mentioned it. I think I'll wait to see if she suggests meeting up next week or so, and if not, I'll just talk to her about it.

 

You treated the situation very thoughtfully!

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So this friend of mine reached out to me, she wants to do lunch this weekend to celebrate her recent promotion. Her friend chose a Japanese restaurant, and as I don't like this type of cuisine, I told her I can't come. She said we'd meet up next time, but I am a little disappointed she didn't even try to find a different restaurant so I could come too. Like when I'm organizing such get togethers, I'm trying to find a place that would work for everyone.

I let it go and told her we could hang out on Sunday and she said she's busy. At this point I just feel she doesn't care that much about our friendship.

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Did you tell her the reason you couldn't make it is because of the cuisine?

 

I get that this friendship has become a source of angst—probably because you're picking up on some shifts, maybe even some places where you two are not as simpatico as you once were—but I think that concluding that "she doesn't care all that much about our friendship" because you weren't consulted on the restaurant selection might be misplacing that angst a bit. She could, after all, reach the same conclusion about your choice to skip the lunch, no?

 

I can only speak for myself, but I find I'm often invited to celebrate one thing or another in a friend's life in an environment that doesn't dovetail with me all that much. Could be cuisine I don't love, a rowdy bar where I prefer a more subdued environment, or some goofball activity (bowling, say) that I find lame. But I take the invite as a genuine show of interest in me and having me around to celebrate something, so I go, and 98 percent of the time I have a lot more fun than I thought I'd have.

 

Again, I totally know the rub when a once-sparkly friendship takes on some tarnish, and even seems to be fading out. There's a sting there, always. But at least from where I sit, when a friend invites you to celebrate something it means they want you there and are thinking about you, not the opposite.

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I don't know if you read my thread from the beginning, it's not just about the restaurant. Yes, I've told her I can't eat this type if cuisine because then I'm sick. I get she can choose whichever place she wants, but speaking for myself, I try to take into consideration if someone's a vegan or doesn't eat something if I really want that person to be there. I mean we live in a big city, there's plenty of choice. I'm usually pretty easy going when we do stuff and go out, but I don't want to pay for a something that will make me sick.

You are probably right about the fading out thing, I mean I have lots of friends so it's not like I'm all alone now, it just makes me sad because we used to be very close.

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So this friend of mine reached out to me, she wants to do lunch this weekend to celebrate her recent promotion. Her friend chose a Japanese restaurant, and as I don't like this type of cuisine, I told her I can't come. She said we'd meet up next time, but I am a little disappointed she didn't even try to find a different restaurant so I could come too. Like when I'm organizing such get togethers, I'm trying to find a place that would work for everyone.

I let it go and told her we could hang out on Sunday and she said she's busy. At this point I just feel she doesn't care that much about our friendship.

 

I have certain restrictions/strong preferences too and what I've done is eat before or after and just order tea or a drink. I've done that quite a bit when my husband and son wish to go to a particular place while we're on a road trip. I went to someone's bday gathering at a restaurant I could eat nothing at - completely restricted from that type of food at that time of year - they actually did offer to get me something from the place next door but I wanted to be there and so I ate something I could eat (and would have just had a water if I couldn't). To me it's about the company and the social interaction not the food.

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Hi Batya, sounds like a good idea, but it wouldn't work in my situation I'm afraid. The dining etiquette is taken very seriously in my country, and it would look super weird if I ordered only water for lunch, or wasn't simply eating at all.

As I said it's not just this restaurant thing, it's more about her overall behavior. I'll probably focus on other people and different things in my life.

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Yeah, I've been following the thread from the beginning. That's why I emphasized that I know these are hard moments—and, in the midst of them, we sometimes kind of tilt toward wanting to confirm the glass has become half empty than be reminded that, who knows, maybe it's actually still half full.

 

When you give me these specifics—she's celebrating something, another friend booked a table, you've been invited—what I see, in that vacuum, are people being friendly and considerate, not trying to thwart you with a restaurant selection.

 

Agree that letting the focus go from her for a bit sounds like a great plan. These things have a way of shaking out with some space, frustrating as it is to realize some shaking out is in order.

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Hi Batya, sounds like a good idea, but it wouldn't work in my situation I'm afraid. The dining etiquette is taken very seriously in my country, and it would look super weird if I ordered only water for lunch, or wasn't simply eating at all.

As I said it's not just this restaurant thing, it's more about her overall behavior. I'll probably focus on other people and different things in my life.

 

Same here. My sister won't eat in front of people. The people who want to see her understand. She went to a thanksgiving meal with her daughter and her daughter's friends and they were fine with it. Most people put silly etiquette rules like that to the side in the name of thoughtfulness. Etiquette is supposed to be about thinking of others as are manners. You also can order something inexpensive and push food around your plate. People care much more about themselves than you. Or say you'll meet later in the meal for "dessert" and order tea for dessert.

I agree to take space. I was struggling a bit as far as whether to contact a friend who blew me off some years ago after a long friendship -no idea at all why she went MIA/faded out. I wanted to contact her because I believe her family is being affected indirectly by the coronavirus (meaning her anxiety, closed schools, her kids, etc not that I think they are ill) - and I stopped myself. Why contact her after two years -to get some polite "no need to respond" "we're fine thank you so much for reaching out. take care." I can't help her in any real way given where they live.

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Yeah, I've been following the thread from the beginning. That's why I emphasized that I know these are hard moments—and, in the midst of them, we sometimes kind of tilt toward wanting to confirm the glass has become half empty than be reminded that, who knows, maybe it's actually still half full.

 

When you give me these specifics—she's celebrating something, another friend booked a table, you've been invited—what I see, in that vacuum, are people being friendly and considerate, not trying to thwart you with a restaurant selection.

 

Agree that letting the focus go from her for a bit sounds like a great plan. These things have a way of shaking out with some space, frustrating as it is to realize some shaking out is in order.

 

Thanks Blue, I'm not saying she or her friend chose that restaurant on purpose, perhaps I am a little negative, I think I miss the effort to do things together, but I know I can't expect people to behave the same way as I would.

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You said you both met new guys recently. How are things going with the guy she met? Maybe he's not so great and she feels bad hearing about yours.

 

Not that you are overly talking about him or being a braggard. If she is crushed, its hard to deal with.

 

Sorry about the restaurant choice and that she is being like this. I think you habe two choices, pull back and see how she reacts. Or give her a call and just ask how's she doing. And if she seems "off" you might be able to mention, that you noticed things are a little of and you wanted to see if there is anything she wants to talk about.

 

Open ended questions, ones you cant say yes or no to, get you more info. And if you feel you haven't done anything, you don't have to ask what you did.

 

Most of the things people do and say are a reflection of them, not you.

 

Good luck. It hurts to lose a friend.... I hope passes.

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