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Dating someone who never texts!


musicman777
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Hey everyone,

I am back! Things are starting to slowly look up for me again and I'm now dating a new woman since January. :) We're the same age. I just wanted all your opinion on this subject. So, I'm pretty crazy about this woman. She's a bit shy, inexperienced with dating, and awkward, but I'm really drawn to her. It just feels right. She's not the typical kind of woman I'd go for, but I don't know, there's just something about her. This weekend, we had our first kiss, and it was just electric. We were both into it, and kissed more than once. :D She actually confessed to me that I was her first kiss. I thought that was really sweet and bold of her to share, and I feel humble that she felt I was the right person to do that with. Although I've kissed and had relationships before, I haven't gone very far in the physical department myself, so I think we're both kind of very right for each other in that regard.

 

My concerns with her, though, is lack of communication when we're not together. Particularly in texting. She basically never texts unless it's to make plans. Text messages go unanswered for days. We had a couple light conversations about this. She said that she is just not a texter. She said she leaves her friends and family hanging when it comes to text messages even. She just doesn't care for it and she just doesn't see anything in it. While I don't want to have countless, repetitive text messages, eg. "how's your day?" all day, I think it's nice to check in a couple times a week. If I'm feeling down in the dumps or lonely, it'd be nice to hear back from her in a timely manner. Additionally, I don't believe she's on any social media. I'm just kind of used to these things from past relationships. She's a bit old fashioned. I mean, she checks her watch instead of her phone for the time, so that tells you something about her.

 

What do you guys feel about the texting stuff? Part of me, the lack of texting kinda makes me feel like I'm very disconnected from her life. I basically never see or hear from her during the week. Now, we're NOT a couple yet, but it definitely feels like it's headed there. But still, I think about things like this before getting too serious. In person, I'm just so in to her. We got similar personalities. When we kissed and held each other, it just felt so right, and I think that's more important than silly text messages. But again, there's nights like tonight. I am kind of lonely and wouldn't mind texting her right now. Or even calling and hearing her voice. I should mention that, she's not one to pick up for phone calls, either!

 

She does always gets back to me, and makes the time for me and our dates. But I feel she could communicate a little more when we're not together, because sometimes it's a couple weeks of time before we see each other. I feel those periods where we aren't gonna see each other for two weeks (or more), we should at least catch up on the phone on the weekend or something. I'm basically like, the first person she's started to date serious. Like I said, I was her first kiss! Should I relay this stuff to her? I think when you date someone, there should be communication, especially if we can't be together on certain weekends.

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Call her.

Its what people did before texting.

So. I'm guessing you're a millennial.?

If you want to hear from her or talk to her, just pick up the phone and call her.

 

As for texting. I don't like it either. I leave texts unopened. Unanswered. If it's important, call me.

Sometimes I do get into a texting mood, and can entertain the thought for like ten minutes.

 

However. If its a guy I like, if the text is worth the effort of replying, I will. If he replies immediately, he will be able to entertain me for those ten minutes. If not, I will reply when I have time. Time means mind space and energy to press those little goddamn letters.

If he likes me enough, he will call me.

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wow very rare to get someone who is that not into social media.

if she is more of in-person thing more fun man.

Besides you have all your time for yourself if you are not with her

Call her instead of text. let things gradually and naturally grow.

Good luck.

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Call her.

Its what people did before texting.

So. I'm guessing you're a millennial.?

If you want to hear from her or talk to her, just pick up the phone and call her.

 

As for texting. I don't like it either. I leave texts unopened. Unanswered. If it's important, call me.

Sometimes I do get into a texting mood, and can entertain the thought for like ten minutes.

 

However. If its a guy I like, if the text is worth the effort of replying, I will. If he replies immediately, he will be able to entertain me for those ten minutes. If not, I will reply when I have time. Time means mind space and energy to press those little goddamn letters.

If he likes me enough, he will call me.

 

Ugh, I hate that word millenial, but yes, lol. I just turned 30. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the texting, though. I believe she does the same, leaves them unopened. I actually had a medical emergency several weeks ago I texted her about cause I just felt it was important to let her know, she never answered and said she never read that text. She was genuinely upset when I told her in person about it, so I believed her that she didn't read it.

 

I saw your comment about the phone calls and her interest - in her defense, I have only called her once since we've been dating! She didn't answer because it was late and she was out somewhere when I called. I also don't wanna come off as needy or anything, especially early on. You kinda struck a nerve on the interest part. I have anxiety disorder (I am getting proper treatment for it and have found the root causes of it). And my brain will question and ruminate over everything when it comes to dating. Despite her initiating one of our dates, kissing me so much, even covering the bill on some of our dates, my brain ruminates on the "what ifs". What if she don't like me, what if she's seeing other people, what if her family doesn't like me, my brain goes wayyyy into it.

 

In the case of this budding relationship, I think some of the anxiety is warranted. Her lack of experience in dating, I find it kind of a turn on! But at the same time, it's concerning. She got a lot of new feelings and experiences to process. That's another reason why I don't push her buttons too hard on the texting, or the phone calls (yet). She's probably rightfully a little cautious about entering a relationship, because she's never done it before. I've made it clear to her that I want to take things slow, and I told her I want her to communicate with me if she ever feels like pressured or if things are moving too fast.

 

wow very rare to get someone who is that not into social media.

if she is more of in-person thing more fun man.

Besides you have all your time for yourself if you are not with her

Call her instead of text. let things gradually and naturally grow.

Good luck.

 

Thanks! That's kind of the above. I'm letting things naturally grow with her, especially because of her lack of experience. Whenever I don't push things with women (especially in the physical department!), things usually go a lot better. I definitely have a history of rushing and pushing into things. That's why I'm restraining myself so greatly from bugging her with text/phone calls. I think there may be a time where I feel more comfortable with that and I know she's not going to get bothered by it, but not yet.

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She's a bit old fashioned. I mean, she checks her watch instead of her phone for the time, so that tells you something about her.

 

Huh? I have a smart phone, social media and use texting apps - and I also check my watch instead of my phone for the time. You have an odd measuring stick for identifying someone as "old-fashioned."

 

That said, it sounds to me like she's not big on communication in general. You also mention you are her first kiss - how old is she? I am curious if she's had much dating experience at all. It could be that she is not that comfortable in the dating world and is only now getting her training wheels, so to speak. In any event, you have expressed to her that you would like to hear from her more. All you can do is see if she's willing to meet you half-way. If not, this won't get off the ground and you might be best to find someone more compatible.

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Musicman,

 

What kind of experience have YOU had with women?

 

It's like this. If a woman is into you, in lust with you, wants you - she will not ignore your texts, no matter how 'not into texting' she is. Not to mention not taking your call because she was with friends or busy or some such. Sorry but that's just an excuse. I'm old fashioned - because I'm old, 20 years older than you. I don't ignore texts from people who matter to me. I would never in a million years not pick up a call from a new love interest who's ticking all my boxes, so to speak. I can't stand video talking - laugh all you like but for some people of my generation it is still totally weird to see someone AND talk to them at the same time. If I'm nuts about a man and he calls me to video talk - you bet I'll pick up the call, despite the fact that I can't stand video -talking.

 

Think about it. Would YOU ignore HER call? Text? No. Cause you're infatuated, in lust. She..is not. Sorry, it really is as simple as this.

Edited by OctoberRust
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I did all of my dating before I had a cell phone (except that I had one for three weeks once many years ago, hated it, got a non-smart phone 11 years ago because I was 9 months pregnant with my husband 800 miles away most of the time, a smart phone about 5 years ago). Once we were exclusive we typically talked once a day on the phone on the days we didn't see each other. Once there was internet we also emailed or sometimes used messenger occasionally. It wasn't until 1999 -when I'd been dating for about 19 years on and off - that I made a plan totally using email instead of a phone call. I liked it better that way. I do now have close friendships where we mostly text - it's fine - but I still love phone convos -I talk to my mother almost daily, my sister a couple of times a week. That's bonding.

 

Oh and I don't take out my phone to check the time -I have a regular watch -why would I risk flashing my phone while out and about if I don't have to, and of course that risks dropping it (never have dropped it on an hard surface).

 

I think if you want more connection and communication have good conversations while you are together once or twice a week for now and let absence make the heart grow fonder.

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I think texting, or phone calls, or whatever this thing is we call "communication," is something to observe early and be honest about in terms of whether it works for you, or doesn't. Bottom line is: while dating invariably pushes us to the edges of our comfort zone here and there, it shouldn't feel like some emotional endurance test. It should be, above all things, very fun.

 

I've been told by women that I am a "bad texter." I've been told by women that I'm a "great texter." I'm confident in saying those women encountered the exact same person over text, which is to say my communication style worked for some, not for others. So it goes. I'm not a big fan of forcing things that should be easy, so if I was finding something this small—but, of course, a huge part of our daily lives—a big challenge it would likely be a sign that something was off.

 

Which you've let her know, in a direct but non-pressurized way. Great. See if things smooth out, or not, knowing both outcomes are okay. She's 30, and just kissed a man for the first time? That's a pretty unique situation, and this might be the tip of the iceberg in seeing how her inexperience, along with her basic her-ness, might not work for you. Or it might be the beginning of working things out. A little more time will tell.

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Calling her once does not translate into "never picks up the phone." I hate texting. Ugh. It's such a nuisance in my mind. My hubs and I use Hangouts (we're OFA), and get a lot shared when at work. But when we were dating, I'd almost never text during the week, and see he on weekends. We were LD at the time. But I truly don't think you should be in constant contact ever in the beginning. Maybe more contact around 8 months of dating.

 

And if you are her 1st kiss, she may not be use to texting at all. May I ask how old she is that she's never been kissed before you?

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Relationships are about compromise. She doesn't text, you do. You learn to accept her style.

 

At the same time she stretches to meet your needs to a degree that she doesn't feel put upon. At the same time is just enough that you are o.k. with.

 

If I was absolutely not a texter and my guy said a good morning text made his day, I'd gladly oblige. It shouldn't be difficult.

 

Having said that, you've just had your first kiss. Roll with things in the meantime and leave the needling of relationship goals for a later time.

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Calling her once does not translate into "never picks up the phone." I hate texting. Ugh. It's such a nuisance in my mind. My hubs and I use Hangouts (we're OFA), and get a lot shared when at work. But when we were dating, I'd almost never text during the week, and see he on weekends. We were LD at the time. But I truly don't think you should be in constant contact ever in the beginning. Maybe more contact around 8 months of dating.

 

And if you are her 1st kiss, she may not be use to texting at all. May I ask how old she is that she's never been kissed before you?

 

Hey everyone, just got off from work. Thank you for all your replies and feedback. :) To answer all your burning question, she is 29 (I'm 30). And yes, she has never kissed anyone prior to this she confessed to me. Yes, very surprising for her age, and especially being a cute woman, you think someone would have put the moves on her over the years. Based off how she acts, communicates, and everything else around me, I 110% believe it. She told me on one of our past dates that, she focused on her career pretty much her entire 20's. She went to college, but told me she stayed isolated, never really went to parties, etc.

 

But yeah, she is completely new to dating. I wonder if I'm the first guy she's ever dated even. She's almost like, clueless as to dating conventions. Sometimes she'll look at me but then awkwardly look away during dinners, or not make a lot of physical contact. I flat out tell her it's okay to look at me and it's okay to touch me. Once I said that, she initiated the hand holding on the last date.

 

Part of me finds it sweet that she hasn't gone too far with any guys, that's a rare thing these days. But, the other part of me finds it a bit concerning. I understand someone that's never had sex. But, to never have kissed anyone even, to be so completely foreign to what dating protocols, physical contact, touching, hugging, etc. at her age. It slightly concerns me, because she has nothing to compare it to. I've at least dated several women before, I know what I do and don't like for the most part, I know when it feels right with someone. With her, all these feelings and experiences are brand new. I think the lack of texting thing is kinda riding on all this.

 

Well, I intend to continue seeing her, I definitely feel something for her. There was definitely fireworks when we kissed with both of us. The texting, I'm trying to view it as a positive thing. I think it's nice we have our own lives, and that I'm not obsessing over her or talking to her constantly. I'm allowed to have my own life and not worry about her not having enough attention. I think it makes our time together more special when we're not communicating constantly all week.

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Why did she never date someone she wanted to kiss - she's not an object to be picked up by a guy -she's a person and if she wanted to date she would have. If she wanted to kiss by the age of 30 and she's cute, etc she would have. Has she kissed women?

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Why did she never date someone she wanted to kiss - she's not an object to be picked up by a guy -she's a person and if she wanted to date she would have. If she wanted to kiss by the age of 30 and she's cute, etc she would have. Has she kissed women?

 

Aw, I'd NEVER think of this woman as an "object" (or any women for that matter)! I'm NOT that kinda guy! Especially her, she's a sweet girl. It's not so much that, as much as that's just a very long time to go without any companionship is all. And most people my age have, at the very least, kissed someone before. I think most people would get lonely as well. She does have a pretty tight-knit family with siblings, though, and her parents visit her frequently as they live super close together. So maybe that's part of it why she's never gone out of her way to find someone.

 

Has she kissed women? I certainly hope not! Considering I've been through a traumatic breakup over a closet lesbian many years ago. She knows about that, by the way, we've had the past relationships talk already. I think I am her legitimate first kiss, period. I don't think she's ever been romantic with anyone.

 

What's her background? Maybe she had a non-traditional upbringing.

 

She grew up a in a pretty traditional setting, a mom and dad, siblings. I think she's christian, but she never talks about religion, goes to church to my knowledge, nor wears any religious items. She's kind of an atypical American woman. She's already told me, she's just a shy girl that doesn't go out much, and focused on her career.

 

For what it's worth, I'm keeping an open mind to it all. Her inexperience and awkwardness is kind of a turn on in some ways. :D Like reinventmyself said above, no need to needle relationship goals (yet). We're still getting to know each other. She has to open up to me more. I need to do the same with her. Things are still kinda early. We're both in it looking for a serious relationship (and marriage some day), so it's gonna be a little slower with things that way.

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I wouldn't assume a person needs a romantic relationship to avoid loneliness -and I wouldn't assume (my "obectify" comment) that just because a woman is attractive she was approached by a guy she was interested in kissing. Maybe yes maybe no. For me, no I wouldn't have dated a guy who reached 30 and had never dated but I did date guys who didn't start dating till their early to mid 20s and it was fine. Glad you're enjoying!

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  • 2 weeks later...
She's 30 and just had her first kiss...? That's really strange. Her behaviour isn't normal and I doubt you'll get what you need from her. I dunno if talking about it will change things. Do you guys even have a connection, seems super stilted to me.

 

Well honeycomb, your reply was on the money. Wanted to update you guys and gals quick. We ended things today. The things you said are correct. Her behavior isn't normal, she's indeed a very strange woman. To make a very long story short, she keeps putting me off for other, less important priorities in her life. She got plans set out for every weekend (including going out of town next weekend with her sister or something) that would result in us not seeing each other for FOUR WEEKS!

 

That was the straw the broke this camels back! I told her, how are we supposed to get to know each other and build a relationship if we can't see each other for FOUR WEEKS? That's not dating! I told her, you need to make time for me and find a place for me in your life before this trip, or I'm done. Yeah, her other side came out then. I got the "I have trouble opening up to people" speech that I've heard once before. She's unhappy, feels pressured (because I like her and want to spend time with her), she wasn't ready for kissing (on a fourth date? I asked permission and she loved it, she couldn't keep her lips off me). I was beyond patient with this woman, NEVER pressured her into anything. I merely wanted to spend time with her, because that's what people do who are falling for one another. I gave her an excessive amount of space that I was uncomfortable with, hence the texting/subject of this post even.

 

This woman, just very VERY weird. I honest to god believe she has some kind of personality disorder, especially with all these issues of opening up to people. Her persona towards me would constantly change, and pretty rapidly during the course of our dates. Sometimes, she'd go into this "work mode", and talk my ear off about nothing but her job, and have this professional look on her face. Then, she'd go into darkness ally. This kind of soulless expression her face, she comes to a loss of words, comes off as not wanting to be touched or interacted with, she can't look at you in the eyes. Then the next minute, she got the brightest smile on her face, and wants to fall in love with you, hold you in her arms.

 

I feel like, I dated three different people through her. I wanted that happy, loving part of her that she shared with me. Despite how things sound in this post, that part of her... there was absolutelysomething special between us. I know the feeling. When she was in that mindset, I felt like, that is a person I could fall in love with. But, she got that other side to her, that just doesn't wanna be bothered with at all, this "get out of my life, nobody is allowed in my inner circle". Well, good for her, she can go be alone and miserable then. I was beyond kind, good, and patient with her nonsense.

 

Despite my wording and angst on this post, I handled the situation with class. But, she did get a polite earful of "you need to get you ____ together". :p I think we see now why no one has kissed her all her life. This woman doesn't need a boyfriend, she needs therapy. I am sad. As I said, I could have seen myself falling in love with that bright side of her. But, she chose a different route. Overall, I'm handling it very well. years ago, I would have had a nuclear meltdown over a breakup. This time, nothing really. Whatever, life goes on, I'll find someone better than her that actually reciprocates my feelings.

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I am surprised you described this as "falling for each other" when you only had four dates - that might have seemed too much for her. And no I don't think a polite earful lecture was the way to go - why burn bridges and who are you to tell someone you've met up with four times how to live their life much less in an earful?

Having said that I'm really sorry you are sad and that this did not work out.

 

As far as there being something special - yes, with someone you barely knew - that is kind of an easy feeling to have when you are feeling something special about someone you don't know. You will meet someone where when you have that special bond and feelings it is based on actually knowing the person well and over a long period of time -months-several months - and not trying to go for an insta relationship.

 

I agree she was not that interested in seeing you if she wanted to wait 4 weeks for non-emergency reasons. I'm sorry.

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Sorry about this, buddy.

 

Really wise words from Batya above, particularly the bit about burning bridges. No need for the schooling, ever. Not great inside a longterm relationship, and not needed with someone you hardly know. Yes, it sucks to realize that the story that was taking root in your mind was just that—a story—but a lecture, no matter how gentle, doesn't do anyone any favors, since it doesn't change the actual story.

 

Recalling an earlier thread of yours, a suggestion: maybe practice cultivating an idea in your mind—one that is bigger than anyone you meet and share a blast of chemistry with—that it will take you at least 3 months to know if anything you're feeling is adding up to a sustainable connection, a projection-free bond. If you can go into all this with that kind of mentality you can enjoy all the early butterflies with abandon, but without putting too much meaning on them right away.

 

Think of it like the difference between vacationing somewhere, moving somewhere, and living somewhere. Put me in Paris for a week, and I am over the moon. Big smile on my face as I walk the streets, eat the food. Very easy for me to imagine living there. Heck, I maybe I'm so into it I decide to give it a little go, canceling my return flight and renting a flat for two months. Now I've moved, to see about living. Over those two months it's inevitable that my relationship with Paris is going to change. Maybe, as I learn more about the city, I find myself only feeling more at home. Then again, maybe not. Both are fine outcomes, not the fault of Paris if it turns out to to be a city in which I can't feel at home, but just the workings of time, the information you can only get through time.

 

Again, sorry about all this. Always a bummer, no two ways about it. Just offering some words that make the vacationing stage of dating a little easier, so you can take it for what it is rather than jumping, mentally, to the moving and living stage of things.

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Hey, thanks for the replies. :smug: I wanted to let you guys know I am doing really well. I'm barely upset about it at all. I think part of me has been questioning things with her since the beginning, and her lack of experience in dating. I did keep my guard up a bit, so that's good. As far as the burning bridges thing... I understand what you guys mean. Yeah, I did give her an earful, lol. Like I said, I had a bit of class about it, though. I didn't cuss or call her names, nor was I overly vicious about it. But, there are some (obviously) hurt feelings about it at first. I feel like I wasted my time and energy with this person. I know that's not a healthy mindset to have about it, but that's often the way I feel with these things. And I allow those feelings to happen, can't keep them bottled up.

 

bluecastle, totally hear you. I do have a tendency to dive in a bit deep too fast. Compared to the past with how I've fallen for people I didn't even date, though, this is pretty mild! So, I think I'm getting better at it. There is just that, really romantic side of me that wants to share the passion with somebody. I like your three month rule thing. It makes a lot of sense. Dating, it's just starting to become really difficult for me. Thinking if these people are right or not. You like some of them, but then you don't wanna move too fast. And then, when I get maybe past 2-3 dates, I hate the idea of them possibly dating other people at the same time, still, even though they have a right to and we're not exclusive yet. It's just tough.

 

I met this woman on a dating site. Forever, that's felt like my only avenue to meet someone. I've tried in person, joining clubs and sports leagues. It just doesn't work out. But part of me... I'm starting to feel like, I'd love to just meet someone organically. This dating website stuff, it just feels so... artificial. This was my 7th woman since September. So many dates, half just feel like job interviews. Meeting through the digital world, it just feels so unromantic to me. And these women's minds are on 20 different things. They're dating and feeling out 20 other guys besides me. It just, I don't like it. But, I just feel I will never meet someone in person, though. I work in the city, I'm in a martial arts club, I get out of the house. But I never meet people. If I do, they're pretty much always taken. And after a while, you just get tired of approaching people that way.

 

So, it sucks. For now, I'm hanging up the hat on dating. No because of the stuff mentioned, above, but because of the coronavirus!!!! :eek: I don't think this is a good time to be talking to women and setting up dates around town with this stuff going around. My states got a lot of cases now. I have asthma, so I'm a little precautious.

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I feel like I wasted my time and energy with this person. I know that's not a healthy mindset to have about it, but that's often the way I feel with these things.

 

Well, yes, this is a very unhealthy way to look at these things and it's worth doing what you need to do to adjust this way of thinking. If my girlfriend left me tomorrow, I would be devastated. Like, beyond. It's been a year and a half, we live together, so it would basically be a small emotional atom bomb going off. But would it have been a waste of time? No, not one second of it. And that would have been the same story had she decided, after a week or two, that she wasn't feeling me, wasn't in the right headspace for romance, whatever.

 

Why? Because I have made a choice—one that predated her—to value the experiment of connecting with others romantically, to seek someone with whom to share my life and the ever-evolving thing that is me with the ever-evolving thing that is another. That experiment is not a waste of time, in other words, regardless of where it goes, because I deem it a valuable one. Easy analogy would be making something artistic, which I happen to do for a living. Most things I make "go nowhere." They fizzle, get stuck in my mind, or get "rejected" by the gatekeepers of my industry. Always a bummer. But whatever. I deem the pursuit valuable, for me, and that is my compass and fuel more than validation.

 

Look at the whole idea of "wasted time" in this paradigm with some critical thinking, and it is, in the end, pretty self-absorbed. Basically comes down to: Dating is a waste unless everyone likes you, wants you, validates a story in your mind. That mentality isn't just unhealthy for your own spirit, but it's like the little blinders we put on racehorses so they can't see anything but the finish line: it blots out the person in front of you by reducing them to a piece in your puzzle, a goal, a finish line.

 

Breaks from dating are always good, as breaks from anything are always good, particularly in this strange moment of C-19. That said, I think you'll find it feeling less artificial if you approach it all more genuinely. The three month rule might be a solid place to start. Because all these ideas about women dating "20 other guys"—well, that's just more of the same. That's you trying to get to the end when you're right at the beginning. If you can't savor the beginning though, you won't be able to savor the ending, or the middle—or, really, all there ever is, which is the present tense. The more we can savor that—alone, alongside others—the less any of the business of living feels like a waste of time.

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