This is a strange one

[captaindrey]

Captain, even if she was like that, you don't want someone like that. It's a type of gold digger and that's not love.

 

Choose someone who will love you, no matter what..as vows say, for better for worse, richer or for poorer. If a woman only wants you if you have a certain bank account, run the other way. Love shouldn't have dollar signs attached to it.

 

The part about your whole scenario that bothers me though, is how easily she gives up on everything. Does it not bother you that whenever there is any kind of issue, she finds it easier to throw you away?

 

Even if she did change her mind and came back to you, you'd know that next time anything upsets her or anything comes up that might be an issue, she will be out the door once again.

Do you really want to live that way?

 

Love dos not give up on someone. Love does not run off everytime something comes up. She is not reliable and does not feel how you feel.

I highly doubt she’ll change her mind. She’s very attractive and gets a lot of attention so I doubt it will be because she’s lonely. If she does I’ll make sure to bring it up but I’m going to be realistic and say it’s never going to happen.

Like you guys pointed out I’m not upset with how I handled this. We cracked a few jokes and left it on a good note. She has no idea I’m crushed.

I don’t know if she went slumming or not though. It seemed pretty real to me. I don’t think she’s a gold digger but I think she has a certain lifestyle she wants and wants it sooner than what she thinks I can provide. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m the type that likes to enjoy the moment and enjoyed those moments with her. Her response was she’s too old to be in the moment.

She may have conflicts with confrontation or communication, whatever it may be. I overlooked those because they stem from past experiences and it takes a while to get comfortable sometimes. She’s a good person just maybe the other stuff gets the best of her and I felt like it would go away after she realized I’m not her ex(s). For the record it was 95% good and just 5% weird here and there. I think she did the blocking thing three times and after each time we got closer for longer.

[MissCanuck]

I think she did the blocking thing three times and after each time we got closer for longer.

 

Does that not strike you as quite dysfunctional for an adult her age?

 

This was the symptom of bigger problems with her emotional maturity, OP. She is not a good candidate for a stable, long-term relationship.

[captaindrey]

Does that not strike you as quite dysfunctional for an adult her age?

 

This was the symptom of bigger problems with her emotional maturity, OP. She is not a good candidate for a stable, long-term relationship.

Except this last time which I guess is evidence of your point.

My thought process was, she had a bad break up with a fiancé and he would demean her over texts emails etc. She said she thought I would get angry and do that. I can understand that from her point of view. To mine it’s ridiculous but that’s only because I know I wouldn’t do that.

[Cherylyn]

Thank you. I just didn’t give her any indication of not being able to provide her with that lifestyle. I did tell her in the beginning that if she’s looking for someone that’s going to buy her everything I’m wasn’t that guy. She said it wasn’t what she wanted anyway. I got up to the highest level in my old company that allowed me many luxuries. I didn’t want to stay there for a long time as I feel I could do it again but do something I enjoy more. That’s where I’m at and that’s why it’s a little painful.

She got engaged after 6mo it dating a guy probably partially because he was a doctor. I don’t think that’s long enough and I didn’t want our relationship to be based solely on that criteria. She convinced me it wasn’t until I was blindsided like this.

 

It's good that you were honest by telling her you weren't the guy to buy her luxuries. She didn't want that anyway.

 

I'm sorry you were rejected and dumped despite being a nice guy.

 

She married a doctor. I know you didn't want your relationship to be based on income criteria. Even though she said she wasn't after money, obviously her actions told you otherwise.

 

I will not mince words when I say yes, I definitely had dollar signs in my eyes when I met my husband in addition to placing the importance of his character. I'm not the type of lady who wanted worse and poorer. No thanks. I've already experienced worse and poorer during my early childhood. I never wanted the risk of hardship and struggle. I wasn't about to repeat my mother's mistake. No way. That deal was off the table.

 

I spoke to my mother yesterday and she said that I married well not only financially but she told me I married a good (great) man. I feel very fortunate. Some women want everything in a man and I am one of them.

 

I admire women who marry whom they wish to marry regardless of income and their sole basis is compatibility. However, that wasn't good enough for me and some women in my midst agree likewise. My sentiment is not rare.

 

No matter what, you will find a woman who is compatible to you if you are patient. Hang in there.

[captaindrey]

It's good that you were honest by telling her you weren't the guy to buy her luxuries. She didn't want that anyway.

 

I'm sorry you were rejected and dumped despite being a nice guy.

 

She married a doctor. I know you didn't want your relationship to be based on income criteria. Even though she said she wasn't after money, obviously her actions told you otherwise.

 

I will not mince words when I say yes, I definitely had dollar signs in my eyes when I met my husband in addition to placing the importance of his character. I'm not the type of lady who wanted worse and poorer. No thanks. I've already experienced worse and poorer during my early childhood. I never wanted the risk of hardship and struggle. I wasn't about to repeat my mother's mistake. No way. That deal was off the table.

 

I spoke to my mother yesterday and she said that I married well not only financially but she told me I married a good (great) man. I feel very fortunate. Some women want everything in a man and I am one of them.

 

I admire women who marry whom they wish to marry regardless of income and their sole basis is compatibility. However, that wasn't good enough for me and some women in my midst agree likewise. My sentiment is not rare.

 

No matter what, you will find a woman who is compatible to you if you are patient. Hang in there.

 

Honestly my goal is to be successful all around. That way I can avoid a partner leaving me for something that minor. I want to be able to provide those things to myself and a family. Just the timing sucked this time around. I have no doubt I’ll be in that position in the near future. I’m not upset that she left bc I don’t have the means to buy her a car. Frankly, if I was buying cars to every girl I date for 5 months I would have a bigger problem. I’m upset that she left because I want the same things as she wants. Just so happens I chose to take a step back and go on a different road to achieve that.

[Cherylyn]

Honestly my goal is to be successful all around. That way I can avoid a partner leaving me for something that minor. I want to be able to provide those things to myself and a family. Just the timing sucked this time around. I have no doubt I’ll be in that position in the near future. I’m not upset that she left bc I don’t have the means to buy her a car. Frankly, if I was buying cars to every girl I date for 5 months I would have a bigger problem. I’m upset that she left because I want the same things as she wants. Just so happens I chose to take a step back and go on a different road to achieve that.

 

Your time will come. You just haven't found her yet.

[captaindrey]

Your time will come. You just haven't found her yet.

 

Or is it not time for me to look for one.

[Cherylyn]

Or is it not time for me to look for one.

 

Then don't. Wait for serendipity.

[captaindrey]

I’ve heard the phrase “marry a doctor or a lawyer,” and I can definitely see the logic behind that although I do believe it’s the stigma she was talking about. It’s easy and secure and if you get lucky it’s just one less thing to worry about. I just think you have to get lucky.

I have acquaintances with millions that treat women like they’re replaceable and I have friends with the same amount of money that had partners believe in them and they both got to where they wanted with each others support.

i remember we talked about one of our dates and she told me that me buying her whatever it was on the menu meant more than someone that bragged about his wealth buying that for her. I don’t even remember if it was the most or least expensive meal I was just there with her. That made me feel so good. Obviously not because I felt qualified but because I made her happy without even knowing.

I’d rather get married later than get divorced when it’s too late. I want a summer house, apartment in the city, and a farm. I'm working on that. The fact that I don’t have the apartment and the farm shouldn’t be a disqualification, if it is something I can’t do anything about in the moment.

[captaindrey]

Then don't. Wait for serendipity.

Thank you. It means a lot that you and everyone else here took their time out to respond. I’m truly crushed here. I don’t know where else to bring it up except an anonymous forum.

[MissCanuck]

Except this last time which I guess is evidence of your point.

My thought process was, she had a bad break up with a fiancé and he would demean her over texts emails etc. She said she thought I would get angry and do that. I can understand that from her point of view. To mine it’s ridiculous but that’s only because I know I wouldn’t do that.

 

That doesn’t make her blocking/unblocking any better, man. She’s carrying too much baggage from her past relationship if she’s behaving like this in the present.

[catfeeder]

The fact that I don’t have the apartment and the farm shouldn’t be a disqualification, if it is something I can’t do anything about in the moment.

 

Whenever someone demo's that they don't own the capacity to view you through the right lens, that speaks of their limitations, not yours. It's not an accurate reflection on you, it's a distortion--and it makes no sense to pretzel your own vision to try to live up to someone else's distortions.

 

That will only have you believing that you always need to become taller or smarter or richer or better in order to 'get' someone to love you. That's messed up, and it will only mess you up. Contorting to pretend we are who we are not is the messy kid stuff that we are supposed to outgrow and leave behind in grade school, where we were forced to socialize with kids who wouldn't accept us unless we acted more like them.

 

As adults, we are no longer at the mercy of who accepts us. We learn how to turn the tables and do the accepting on OUR terms. With millions of people in the world, most of them will NOT be our match. That's natural odds. So it's up to us to develop the resilience to learn how to relax into Who We ARE and use that as a natural screening device to allow bad matches to pass early.

 

Finding the right match is a needle in the haystack thing. Someone who views you through the RIGHT lens can appreciate your unique value 'As Is'. This is true simpatico with someone who 'gets you' and with whom you can be yourself. Hold out for that, and settle for nothing less.

 

I have friends with the same amount of money that had partners believe in them and they both got to where they wanted with each others support.

 

Great! Hold THAT focus. Skip the mind spins on anyone who doesn't fit with this ^^^, and you will thank yourself sooner rather than later.

 

The goal of dating is to screen out bad matches rather than tap-dance to impress them. Grow the hell out of that, and you'll be on a much easier and more authentic path toward finding YOUR right match. This girl was not that, so move your focus beyond her. Stop stressing over her superficial limitations, and appreciate instead the fact that she showed you why she's a lousy match for you.

 

Head high.

[boltnrun]

How wonderful would it be to find a woman who wants you exactly as you are?

[Hollyj]

Where are the new threads? Nothing new for three days.

[Cherylyn]

Thank you. It means a lot that you and everyone else here took their time out to respond. I’m truly crushed here. I don’t know where else to bring it up except an anonymous forum.

 

No problem, captaindrey.

 

I agree. From a woman's point of view, you just have to get lucky regarding marrying up. Yes, it's easy and secure. I only feel the way I do because I clearly remember how it felt to be extremely UNeasy and INsecure. I certainly did not wish to follow my mother's footsteps which was for "worse and poorer" and a lifetime of financial hardship, struggle and living a hand-to-mouth existence. Been there, done that and I vowed "never again."

 

Just know it's nothing personal against what a nice guy YOU are. Of course, marrying a moral man is extremely important. However, in addition to marrying a great man, it's purely about economical survival and a comfortable lifestyle. I'm living proof of that.

 

I know a lot of very nice guys including my own brother. He's one of the most moral men I know. However, if he were someone else with the same economic status, no matter how nice he is, he doesn't qualify when it comes to providing a comfortable standard of living. If I married many nice guys in my midst, I'd have to work like a dog to sustain a household. NO thanks! I had already observed my poor mother work herself to the bone in order to support a middle class life. I certainly didn't wish to repeat her miserable life ~ no matter how nice of a guy my husband or partner would've been.

 

I'm not speaking for all women but many women are no different than I am. It's just being realistic and practical about one's future and ensuring very comfortable stability and security. It is a harsh reality check.

[captaindrey]

No problem, captaindrey.

 

I agree. From a woman's point of view, you just have to get lucky regarding marrying up. Yes, it's easy and secure. I only feel the way I do because I clearly remember how it felt to be extremely UNeasy and INsecure. I certainly did not wish to follow my mother's footsteps which was for "worse and poorer" and a lifetime of financial hardship, struggle and living a hand-to-mouth existence. Been there, done that and I vowed "never again."

 

Just know it's nothing personal against what a nice guy YOU are. Of course, marrying a moral man is extremely important. However, in addition to marrying a great man, it's purely about economical survival and a comfortable lifestyle. I'm living proof of that.

 

I know a lot of very nice guys including my own brother. He's one of the most moral men I know. However, if he were someone else with the same economic status, no matter how nice he is, he doesn't qualify when it comes to providing a comfortable standard of living. If I married many nice guys in my midst, I'd have to work like a dog to sustain a household. NO thanks! I had already observed my poor mother work herself to the bone in order to support a middle class life. I certainly didn't wish to repeat her miserable life ~ no matter how nice of a guy my husband or partner would've been.

 

I'm not speaking for all women but many women are no different than I am. It's just being realistic and practical about one's future and ensuring very comfortable stability and security. It is a harsh reality check.

 

It’s just not time yet. Part of that stability is for the reason of having my partner know that she can do whatever she wants when she wants it and not have to limit herself because of money. That freedom is part of the relationship that I’m after.

 

As far as meeting the right woman that values me for me- kind of thought I had. My goals haven’t changed because I met her or because she left. Can’t convince her nor would I want to. I didn’t have everything to give her and she didn’t ask but I gave her everything I had without her asking and I’m proud of that. I’ll get there.

[Cherylyn]

It’s just not time yet. Part of that stability is for the reason of having my partner know that she can do whatever she wants when she wants it and not have to limit herself because of money. That freedom is part of the relationship that I’m after.

 

As far as meeting the right woman that values me for me- kind of thought I had. My goals haven’t changed because I met her or because she left. Can’t convince her nor would I want to. I didn’t have everything to give her and she didn’t ask but I gave her everything I had without her asking and I’m proud of that. I’ll get there.

 

You'll get there. I know it's not time yet.

 

I was referring to household income whether co-habitating or marriage, for example.

 

With dating, if there are long term visions for the future, obviously, some women want a well-to-do or affluent standard of living.

 

Yes, you should be proud of being a good man.

 

Just realize how society is and how a lot of women think and what they want.

 

A lot of women don't place the importance of a high income and being a good person is good enough. Some women are extremely picky and very choosy as I am and other women are not as picky and choosy. You will be fine.

[IAmFCA]

OP, My last bf is someone I had known for years, who pursued me and expressed clear goals for the relationship and a clear path for us to follow. Then, he departed from the path. Every three months, he would try to destroy the relationship, which he ultimately did. When we broke up? The morning after he surprised me while I was on vacation with my friends, having missed me enough to make a long drive for a short stay. Two days after he told me he had gone house shopping in a neighborhood we both liked.

 

Some people feel unsure of their own ability to maintain a healthy relationship, and are afraid of disappointing the other person, of being subpar, of being abandoned later because they aren't good enough. That fear is so strong that ending the relationship is preferable to staying in it and being afraid of it ending. This is true even if the relationship is the best one could imagine. In fact, the best relationships are the ones we most fear losing, and therefore the fear becomes overwhelming: we must end the ones that we want the most. The person doing this behavior may not understand this at the time; when I was this person, I did not see it in myself. My exBF was puzzled by his own behavior; it was like he was both compelled by and regretful of choices that were entirely his own.

 

In short, whatever her behavior, it is odd, and it likely has nothing to do with you. While odd, it also is consistent with a pattern that is seen somewhat often. One hopes she finds her way out of it one day. Until and if that ever happens, there is nothing you can do.

[captaindrey]

You'll get there. I know it's not time yet.

 

I was referring to household income whether co-habitating or marriage, for example.

 

With dating, if there are long term visions for the future, obviously, some women want a well-to-do or affluent standard of living.

 

Yes, you should be proud of being a good man.

 

Just realize how society is and how a lot of women think and what they want.

 

A lot of women don't place the importance of a high income and being a good person is good enough. Some women are extremely picky and very choosy as I am and other women are not as picky and choosy. You will be fine.

 

I’m wondering if I can ask you a personal question. Obviously this is all anonymous but I don’t want to come off as challenging your thoughts.

[captaindrey]

OP, My last bf is someone I had known for years, who pursued me and expressed clear goals for the relationship and a clear path for us to follow. Then, he departed from the path. Every three months, he would try to destroy the relationship, which he ultimately did. When we broke up? The morning after he surprised me while I was on vacation with my friends, having missed me enough to make a long drive for a short stay. Two days after he told me he had gone house shopping in a neighborhood we both liked.

 

Some people feel unsure of their own ability to maintain a healthy relationship, and are afraid of disappointing the other person, of being subpar, of being abandoned later because they aren't good enough. That fear is so strong that ending the relationship is preferable to staying in it and being afraid of it ending. This is true even if the relationship is the best one could imagine. In fact, the best relationships are the ones we most fear losing, and therefore the fear becomes overwhelming: we must end the ones that we want the most. The person doing this behavior may not understand this at the time; when I was this person, I did not see it in myself. My exBF was puzzled by his own behavior; it was like he was both compelled by and regretful of choices that were entirely his own.

 

In short, whatever her behavior, it is odd, and it likely has nothing to do with you. While odd, it also is consistent with a pattern that is seen somewhat often. One hopes she finds her way out of it one day. Until and if that ever happens, there is nothing you can do.

 

Thanks. I’m sorry that happened. I know it’ll pass but I won’t feel differently about how it could’ve been. And I don’t think it has anything to do with me either. A month ago she was asking me to look at houses with her so she could buy one and get roommates to help pay it off. Now she’s saying she’s too old and we have a different timeline.

She’s right- her family is wealthy. When her parents met her dad was entry level in his career much like I am now and her mom stuck it through and dropped everything to travel when she could and they eventually retired. The last thing I want to do is come on strong because I wasn’t ready to marry her. It’s been 5 months. She did say yes to an engagement after 6 months with a doctor (who tested her like crap). I’m rambling but I don’t know what else to do. This is very difficult because I truly don’t know what I could’ve done differently.

[captaindrey]

I say that I couldn’t have done anything better, with a clear conscience. The last time we saw each other was after we broke up and she probably just wanted sex which I didn’t turn down but we had a good heart to heart and spent the morning holding each other and texting through out the day. Then nothing. It boggles my mind.

 

Something else- the day she left (before she called me to tell me we should stop) she said She wasn’t my girlfriend. I’m the past she got upset because I “never asked her to be exclusive.” I didn’t think I should and eventually the first time I did around Christmas, I apparently didn’t phrase it right. I then rephrased it and everything was fine. I’m still so confused at all of this.

[Cherylyn]

Even though her father was entry level in his career at the time he married her mother, your ex-girlfriend had it ingrained in her that she was already accustomed to an affluent lifestyle. Hence, she married a doctor.

 

Don't take it personally.

 

Just know that even if you don't like it or perhaps don't necessarily agree, you need to grudgingly accept that a lot of women (including myself) want more than just a nice guy as a boyfriend, partner, fiance or husband. We're already thinking 20 to 40 jumps ahead in life way beyond the "nice guy" persona. Questions which come to mind (in addition to character) are: What type of life will I have with this man? What will be the standard of living? Will it be economically smooth, secure, stable, content or do I have to sweat bullets worrying about how to pay the mortgage every month? For some women such as myself, I wanted to be a SAHM (stay at home mom) for a few years while my sons were babies. I didn't want to dump them off at daycare at 6AM every morning, toil all day, fight traffic, pick them up at 6PM, dinner, bath and bed. I wanted a provider-husband who could afford to give me and our family a great, content, truly blissful suburban life without endless hardship and financial struggle.

 

I would say that I wouldn't mind just a nice guy at all if average income were satisfactory and that was good enough for me. However, I could already read the writing on the wall and I know it's not fun to struggle every month in order to pay the bills. Since I hail from a hard life and humble beginnings compared to my husband's background, I didn't feel like repeating my mother's miserable life. I've already lived it, breathed it and ate it. I wanted better for myself. I moved up in my career and both my husband and I had a great start from the very beginning.

 

I respect other people's choices and whom they choose to be with regardless of income. There are a lot of nice people out there and you're one of them, captaindrey. I was just extremely picky and very choosy. My mother obviously was not and neither was my sister. Sorry, whom they chose wasn't good enough for me. My wise choice in a man paid off while others surrounding me such as relatives, in-laws and friends experienced rampant breakups and divorce. Unfortunately, many problems revolved around financial struggles and hardship. I didn't want to become yet another statistic. My mama told me, "You'd better shop around!" I did.

[captaindrey]

Even though her father was entry level in his career at the time he married her mother, your ex-girlfriend had it ingrained in her that she was already accustomed to an affluent lifestyle. Hence, she married a doctor.

 

Don't take it personally.

 

Just know that even if you don't like it or perhaps don't necessarily agree, you need to grudgingly accept that a lot of women (including myself) want more than just a nice guy as a boyfriend, partner, fiance or husband. We're already thinking 20 to 40 jumps ahead in life way beyond the "nice guy" persona. Questions which come to mind (in addition to character) are: What type of life will I have with this man? What will be the standard of living? Will it be economically smooth, secure, stable, content or do I have to sweat bullets worrying about how to pay the mortgage every month? For some women such as myself, I wanted to be a SAHM (stay at home mom) for a few years while my sons were babies. I didn't want to dump them off at daycare at 6AM every morning, toil all day, fight traffic, pick them up at 6PM, dinner, bath and bed. I wanted a provider-husband who could afford to give me and our family a great, content, truly blissful suburban life without endless hardship and financial struggle.

 

I would say that I wouldn't mind just a nice guy at all if average income were satisfactory and that was good enough for me. However, I could already read the writing on the wall and I know it's not fun to struggle every month in order to pay the bills. Since I hail from a hard life and humble beginnings compared to my husband's background, I didn't feel like repeating my mother's miserable life. I've already lived it, breathed it and ate it. I wanted better for myself. I moved up in my career and both my husband and I had a great start from the very beginning.

 

I respect other people's choices and whom they choose to be with regardless of income. There are a lot of nice people out there and you're one of them, captaindrey. I was just extremely picky and very choosy. My mother obviously was not and neither was my sister. Sorry, whom they chose wasn't good enough for me. My wise choice in a man paid off while other surrounding me such as relatives, in-laws and friends experienced rampant breakups and divorce. I didn't want to become just another statistic. My mama told me, "You'd better shop around!" I did.

 

I’m not taking it personally at all. I want the same comfort for anyone in any way they see fit. Trust me I hear your point loud and clear. I don’t think I’m at that extreme but I can’t drop everything and fly to the Bahamas on a whim.

I am curious and please don’t misunderstand me as you have been a pleasure to talk to and you make a lot of sense. If a woman married someone and this criteria was one at the top of the list among all the others, and something unfortunate happened where the financial aspect was halted, does she change her situation or stay?

[Cherylyn]

Well, yes unfortunately, many women dissolve the marriage or relationship once finances become a real serious worry. All the love in the world can't take care of that, unfortunately. (Hence, "love don't pay the rent.")

 

My friend and her husband were married for over a decade and his failing business placed them in dire straits. They divorced and she and their children moved into my friend's mother's house. Her ex-husband was a nice guy, too. Unfortunately, their insurmountable financial troubles strained their marriage.

 

Some saintly women remain in a financially strapped marriage while others bail. My parents had money problems. They split.

 

Some women don't want an average lifestyle and learning to do without. They want the best life they can attain. This is the world we live in whether you like it or not.

 

It's not always "for worse and poorer." It's a real deal breaker for many.

 

As for you, your ex-girlfriend was accustomed to an affluent lifestyle and wished to continue with that same affluent lifestyle so she married a doctor. Some women are like that.

[captaindrey]

As for you, your ex-girlfriend was accustomed to an affluent lifestyle and wished to continue with that same affluent lifestyle so she married a doctor. Some women are like that.

 

That was a silly question. I knew that. And I don’t think it is relatable to me.

She never got married. Just engaged after only 6 mo of dating. I’m just shocked. It would’ve been nice to know from the beginning that she was “shopping around.” Totally threw me off from how she was with me.