This is a strange one

[captaindrey]

Apologizing and then rationalizing is the opposite of actual meaningful apology. She is basically saying sorry but really not sorry because she is justified in acting the way that she did. It's highly manipulative on her part and she knows good and well what she is doing.

 

So she realizes it but does it anyway. Look no matter how you want to spin it, she is not a very good human being. She is old enough to control herself, know better, and to go address her issues instead of taking it out on people around her. She does what she does because it works for her and because this manipulative "apology" throws some people off. She is still turning the tables on you by acting like a jerk and making herself out to be a victim that you feel sorry for. This entire thread is pretty much that - you wanting to feel bad for her and be more understanding of her "issues". You are not a therapist and she is toxic. What attracts you to this?

 

Now that you put it that way, nothing. I think it’s always the good times that stand out with me. And I try to see the good in people before I brush them off. I’m not a therapist though you’re right.

[Cherylyn]

You need to let her go. She has made it very clear to you that "our lifestyles, goals, distance and past experiences are too different." She made the decision to end it so end it.

 

Remain realistic. There's an old expression: "Love don't pay the rent." This means that it's important to have economic comfort in order to make a relationship less stressful.

 

There is a reason why people who are evenly yoked tend to have successful, more harmonious, stable relationships. (Personality, character, good money flow - incomes and financial security all need to be in sync for compatibility.)

[captaindrey]

You need to let her go. She has made it very clear to you that "our lifestyles, goals, distance and past experiences are too different." She made the decision to end it so end it.

 

Remain realistic. There's an old expression: "Love don't pay the rent." This means that it's important to have economic comfort in order to make a relationship less stressful.

 

There is a reason why people who are evenly yoked tend to have successful, more harmonious, stable relationships. (Personality, character, good money flow - incomes and financial security all need to be in sync for compatibility.)

 

I agree with you. It’s just very contrary to how she approached me in the beginning. Don’t get me wrong I have a stable job and own my home but I did have to make some sacrifices in order to leave a stressful career that I didn’t want to stay in. This was never reflected on our situation. We never didn’t do something because of my financial situation and I paid for 90% of everything we did. 10% because I when she “said let me it this time,” I didn’t give her a hard time.

That being said, I’m a realist and I know I can’t, in the moment, buy her whatever she wants. I know one of her ex’s got her a nose job. I don’t know why but if that’s what she was after I’ll pass. I saw her as a little more down to earth than to expect those kinds of gestures. She never asked for anything so I had no reason to think she was after that.

And she is very frugal with money which I liked. It went from “I support you and your decisions” to this isn’t going to work because of the mentioned reasons. I don’t even think we talked about what my goals are. Either way I know it’s over. It’s just a strange flow of events and actions.

[Hollyj]

You really need to address why you would accept, excuse, or rationalize any of this. This girls behaviour is messed up, and will likely not change for a long time. She is not treating you with care, love or respect. I thought she was in her teens when you shared her behavior.

 

Have you dated others that have treated you like this?

[captaindrey]

I appreciate all of your responses. Who knows what’s right or wrong I just know that I need to talk about it otherwise I’ll keep trying to rationalize it my way.

[captaindrey]

You really need to address why you would accept, excuse, or rationalize any of this. This girls behaviour is messed up, and will likely not change for a long time. She is not treating you with care, love or respect. I thought she was in her teens when you shared her behavior.

 

Have you dated others that have treated you like this?

I have but way worse. I never got an apology from the last one that didn’t really treat me with the respect I wanted until a year later when she reached out. I just told her I cherish the good times but I don’t want to repeat the bad.

The “not likely” to change is where I’m caught up. I kept thinking maybe this was all just growing pains. Looking back on it I was too soft. I just don’t believe in conflict and I thought that I could be kind and not be the guy that molds her in to how I want her to behave around me. In my opinion a woman shouldn’t have to apologize for her actions as she would just come around and realize them on her own. And she did to a degree. Maybe I was a pushover but it wasn’t because I was desperate. I didn’t find the things that happened difficult to manage. She didn’t piss me off. It was a defense mechanism and I wanted for her to understand that it was unnecessary.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with you. It’s just very contrary to how she approached me in the beginning. Don’t get me wrong I have a stable job and own my home but I did have to make some sacrifices in order to leave a stressful career that I didn’t want to stay in. This was never reflected on our situation. We never didn’t do something because of my financial situation and I paid for 90% of everything we did. 10% because I when she “said let me it this time,” I didn’t give her a hard time.

That being said, I’m a realist and I know I can’t, in the moment, buy her whatever she wants. I know one of her ex’s got her a nose job. I don’t know why but if that’s what she was after I’ll pass. I saw her as a little more down to earth than to expect those kinds of gestures. She never asked for anything so I had no reason to think she was after that.

And she is very frugal with money which I liked. It went from “I support you and your decisions” to this isn’t going to work because of the mentioned reasons. I don’t even think we talked about what my goals are. Either way I know it’s over. It’s just a strange flow of events and actions.

 

How people approach you in the beginning and their mulling it over are two different things because reality sets in eventually. Even though you have a stable job and own your own home, it's still not good enough for some people who are accustomed to a more affluent lifestyle. That's the harsh reality check. I'm sorry for your hurt feelings but that's life.

 

It's good that you are realistic. It's always better to be with a person who is from the same socioeconomic background, demographics and obviously have more in common.

 

It's over. You are right. Life often times doesn't make sense, unfortunately.

[DancingFool]

Now that you put it that way, nothing. I think it’s always the good times that stand out with me. And I try to see the good in people before I brush them off. I’m not a therapist though you’re right.

 

Seeing the good has to be balanced by recognizing the bad as well. Only focusing on the good while ignoring the bad is detrimental to your own well being. It's basically code for I have really poor personal boundaries and will allow people to use me and abuse me at will. This does lead to you attracting women who will do exactly that.

 

As for her being down to earth. Think about this logically - unless she had some accident that disfigured her nose or otherwise had some serious health issue where surgery was necessary, going for surgery just to be prettier is as shallow as it gets. This is not a person who is down to earth. You've got to start paying more attention to these kinds of details about people and what it actually says about them. Can't just stick your head in the sand and hope for the best. As you can see, it's not working out too well for you.

[captaindrey]

I couldn’t answer that. I think it was something she got offered and went for. I don’t recall why she got it done as I didn’t really care or notice.

I’m just the type of person that thinks people are all inherently good and I try my best to bring that out. I haven’t exactly perfected that yet, clearly.

[captaindrey]

How people approach you in the beginning and their mulling it over are two different things because reality sets in eventually. Even though you have a stable job and own your own home, it's still not good enough for some people who are accustomed to a more affluent lifestyle. That's the harsh reality check. I'm sorry for your hurt feelings but that's life.

 

It's good that you are realistic. It's always better to be with a person who is from the same socioeconomic background, demographics and obviously have more in common.

 

It's over. You are right. Life often times doesn't make sense, unfortunately.

 

The only think I would argue there is the socioeconomic and demographics point. I would argue that while it is definitely easier its not always better. Not to challenge you at all as I know you’re only trying to help! Just my view point.

[Cherylyn]

The only think I would argue there is the socioeconomic and demographics point. I would argue that while it is definitely easier its not always better. Not to challenge you at all as I know you’re only trying to help! Just my view point.

 

Yes, socioeconomic and demographic similarities help a relationship. Most couples are from similar backgrounds. Sometimes easier is better because challenges are another word for 'difficulties' and not everyone enjoys unnecessary stress. Just my view point.

[captaindrey]

Yes, socioeconomic and demographic similarities help a relationship. Most couples are from similar backgrounds. Sometimes easier is better because challenges are another word for 'difficulties' and not everyone enjoys unnecessary stress. Just my view point.

 

I agree with your point. I know, at least from what she told me, is that her parents are from two opposite sides of the globe. Her father travelled a lot for work when he was advancing in his career and the family did also when they had to. When they met he wasn’t wealthy. It’s just something that I didn’t think was going to be an issue, that’s all.

I’m not saying that because she grew up moving or with parents being apart for work she’s not going to try to avoid those difficulties, I’m just saying that maybe she is taking the easy way out. Kind of like blocking.

Regardless, we’re not talking anymore. I didn’t loose much except one woman’s perception of me but I stand by my actions. I didn’t do anything out of my nature. I meant what I said and it turned out how it turned out. I’m upset but life goes on. It’s just nice to talk about it sometimes.

Weird how I’m not blocked now when she really means it’s done.

[SherrySher]

Why fall into the trap of checking on her and overanalyzing like crazy on what the block or unblock means? It won't help with you moving forward.

As difficult as it might be, it might be best to not let yourself fall back into seeing what she's up to. Keeping yourself busy with other things and refocusing your mind.

 

If she felt the same for you as you do for her, she would do everything possible to make it work. She finds it easier to throw you away. Are you okay with that?

[Spawn]

If she felt the same for you as you do for her, she would do everything possible to make it work. She finds it easier to throw you away. Are you okay with that?

 

that's the one , the realization that you didn't give up on her.

[Billie28]

Her ex paid for her nose job. !?!?

That was the reddest flag ever lol

 

Her goals in life are to use people as stepping stones to nothing.

 

She is a shallow freak show!

[Wiseman2]

No. She is being upfront sincere and honest that you are incompatible and can not bridge gaps in your back grounds.Trashing her is more of a sour grapes reaction from you. Just delete block and move on.

she is taking the easy way out. Kind of like blocking.

[captaindrey]

No. She is being upfront sincere and honest that you are incompatible and can not bridge gaps in your back grounds.Trashing her is more of a sour grapes reaction from you. Just delete block and move on.

No one is trashing. I don’t have any remorse towards her or regret. I’m just a little upset and I shouldn’t have said it that way.

[Hollyj]

Please block and delete this woman. It will help you move on.

[captaindrey]

Please block and delete this woman. It will help you move on.

 

We talked a little today. She just said let’s let thing rest for now and see what’s out there. She said there is a stigma against single women in their 30s and that our timelines are different And she needs to start looking for something sooner. I told her not to rush something like that and to reach out if she changed her mind. What else could I say? I’ve deleted her number although I still have it on the dog tags she got for my pups. I don’t remember it.

Ironically they ran away last night and someone called me thanks to them. Anyway, I’m am crushed but it is what it is.

I know it was real for both of us and that’s the worst part.

[Cherylyn]

Everyone has their reasons for breakup such as your ex-girlfriend.

 

You're right. Regardless, you're not talking anymore.

 

Even though you didn't do anything out of nature, being nice is sometimes not good enough. That's life. Some women (people whether male or female) prefer a very comfortable financial life.

 

I will tell you straight up. Even though my husband is a very moral man, I wouldn't have been interested in him in the least if he couldn't provide a very comfortable financial lifestyle for me and my sons. I have nothing against average or low wage earners. They are nice people. It's just that I didn't want a lifetime of hardship and struggle as I've already lived it ever since I was a small child. That's what "love don't pay the rent" means. Love and good nature is all well and good. However, usually a woman thinks of her future and what type of life she will have. And yes, I work, too.

 

It's nothing personal. Many times women think of their survival and men, too. Either we're satisfied with below average, average or want better than average when it comes to income in addition to character. It's a harsh reality check.

 

It's not all doom and gloom though. You will meet your match. It's just that your ex-girlfriend wasn't "thee one." One of these days you will meet someone who is compatible to you regarding personality, character, socioeconomic background and demographics.

[captaindrey]

Everyone has their reasons for breakup such as your ex-girlfriend.

 

You're right. Regardless, you're not talking anymore.

 

Even though you didn't do anything out of nature, being nice is sometimes not good enough. That's life. Some women (people whether male or female) prefer a very comfortable financial life.

 

I will tell you straight up. Even though my husband is a very moral man, I wouldn't have been interested in him in the least if he couldn't provide a very comfortable financial lifestyle for me and my sons. I have nothing against average or low wage earners. They are nice people. It's just that I didn't want a lifetime of hardship and struggle as I've already lived it ever since I was a small child. That's what "love don't pay the rent" means. Love and good nature is all well and good. However, usually a woman thinks of her future and what type of life she will have. And yes, I work, too.

 

It's nothing personal. Many times women think of their survival and men, too. Either we're satisfied with below average, average or want better than average when it comes to income in addition to character. It's a harsh reality check.

 

It's not all doom and gloom though. You will meet your match. It's just that your ex-girlfriend wasn't "thee one." One of these days you will meet someone who is compatible to you regarding personality, character, socioeconomic background and demographics.

 

Thank you. I just didn’t give her any indication of not being able to provide her with that lifestyle. I did tell her in the beginning that if she’s looking for someone that’s going to buy her everything I’m wasn’t that guy. She said it wasn’t what she wanted anyway. I got up to the highest level in my old company that allowed me many luxuries. I didn’t want to stay there for a long time as I feel I could do it again but do something I enjoy more. That’s where I’m at and that’s why it’s a little painful.

She got engaged after 6mo it dating a guy probably partially because he was a doctor. I don’t think that’s long enough and I didn’t want our relationship to be based solely on that criteria. She convinced me it wasn’t until I was blindsided like this.

[SherrySher]

Captain, even if she was like that, you don't want someone like that. It's a type of gold digger and that's not love.

 

Choose someone who will love you, no matter what..as vows say, for better for worse, richer or for poorer. If a woman only wants you if you have a certain bank account, run the other way. Love shouldn't have dollar signs attached to it.

 

The part about your whole scenario that bothers me though, is how easily she gives up on everything. Does it not bother you that whenever there is any kind of issue, she finds it easier to throw you away?

 

Even if she did change her mind and came back to you, you'd know that next time anything upsets her or anything comes up that might be an issue, she will be out the door once again.

Do you really want to live that way?

 

Love dos not give up on someone. Love does not run off everytime something comes up. She is not reliable and does not feel how you feel.

[jul-els]

It's good to be a nice person because the golden rule is something that ideally all people should live by, imo. It's something I always make a conscious effort to do. But you also have to remember why you're doing it. It's because you are maintaining your own personal sense of values and integrity. You won't get any rewards from anyone for it, nor should you ever expect to.

 

The reward is that your behavior is something you can own with a clear conscience, which is something greater than anything anyone can bestow upon you.

 

You just have to be aware at the same time to make sure you don't ever accept anyone else's crap. Totally doable.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Sadly it sounds like she was "going slumming". Google it. That's ok, let her dig gold somewhere else.💰

I did tell her in the beginning that if she’s looking for someone that’s going to buy her everything I’m wasn’t that guy. She said it wasn’t what she wanted anyway. She got engaged after 6mo it dating a guy probably partially because he was a doctor.

[SherrySher]

Sadly it sounds like she was "going slumming".

 

That's terrible that there's people out there like this.